Please help me find my anger...

maskedwoman · 2022-01-16T18:52:06+00:00

I had another post on here which I had great responses from and advice that I needed to keep hold of my anger to keep me going Today I have wobbled and shown my exH my vulnerable side and that I do still love him in some way - i have no idea why. I have done nothing but cry today, I am emotionally drained. However I am guessing I have wobbled because he has finally left me alone and I haven't been able to cope with it. Here's a bit of backstory: I left 3 months ago have through therapy since realised I was coercive controlled by him and he is a narcissist- according to my therapist but after doing my own research, I 100% believe it too. Every day pretty much since I left, he has been harassing me with messages. Saying he will change, promising me it will be different. He hasn't left me alone when I've asked him too. Used DS as a weapon - for me to speak during FaceTime, drop offs etc. He has also been convinced I have someone else - I don't. He has also messaged an ex, gone back on to tinder and got back in touch with an old female friend - went to her house to talk apparently. Meanwhile I have had to FaceTime him to prove i have no other man here. I've been called cruel. horrible and heartless by him. He has talked about suicide and I've had to contact his family members to ask them to look out for him. He was on a night out last night and hasn't contacted me at all today. I then began thinking of this female friend and wondering if he was out with her. My emotions got the better of me for the first time in 3 months and I caved. I text him asking if he went out with her and told him I love him underneath all the hurt he's caused me. His reply was that he is still in contact with his 'friend' for support but hasn't seen her. He sent me proof he was out with his mates and basically told me he was going to leave me alone to get better - something I've heard many times but he has continued to harass me. However this time I think he is serious and he's going to leave me alone....it like it's the first time he doesn't want me anymore. And I'm heartbroken. Why? This is what I've wanted for so long! Honestly this time yesterday I was adamant that I didn't want him anymore and everyday previous to that. I've been so strong! The thought of him with other women didn't bother me but tonight I just can't stand it. I'm not being too hard on myself, I was always going to crumble at some point. Could it be trauma bonding?

Original poster

maskedwoman · 16/01/2022 18:57

In fact maybe I've just worked it out....

Could it be because he couldn't stand me being the stronger one? He couldn't stand that I wasn't backing down?

And now I've told him that I do have some love for him, that's what he needed to hear so it's almost like he has won?

OP posts:

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 16/01/2022 19:00

Narcissists play games and this is exactly what he is doing.

He's left you alone and because of all the things he's said to you re: other women, it's sent your mind into over drive, you've told him you do love him, and now the balls back in his court so he feels some power again and he will play on this to get you exactly where he wants you.

Stay strong, remember why you left, all the things he has done and continues to do.

secreteatingteen · 16/01/2022 19:00

Yes to your second post. That was my thought as I was reading your first post. He's 'behaving' because he feels he's won.

You need to stop any communication other than clear and to the point arrangements about the DC.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 16/01/2022 19:03

@secreteatingteen

Yes to your second post. That was my thought as I was reading your first post. He's 'behaving' because he feels he's won.

You need to stop any communication other than clear and to the point arrangements about the DC.

It's so cruel but that's the real him all over. He's told me his 'friend' is just out of a controlling relationship and has mental health issues. I feel scared for her. But it's not my problem I know

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Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2022 19:08

Meanwhile I have had to FaceTime him to prove i have no other man here. I've been called cruel. horrible and heartless by him.

I'm sorry, op, but you in no way had to prove anything to him. You allowed him to continue to control you. The only way you are going to get your head clear is to stop communicating with him. You only communicate regarding your daughter. He says/texts anything about your relationship, you give absolutely no response. You have got to gain control of your life.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 16/01/2022 19:10

@Aquamarine1029

Meanwhile I have had to FaceTime him to prove i have no other man here. I've been called cruel. horrible and heartless by him.

I'm sorry, op, but you in no way had to prove anything to him. You allowed him to continue to control you. The only way you are going to get your head clear is to stop communicating with him. You only communicate regarding your daughter. He says/texts anything about your relationship, you give absolutely no response. You have got to gain control of your life.

I have been trying so much. I just failed today. But in a way, I think I had to because otherwise I would never of felt the pain of the actual break up.

OP posts:

LIZS · 16/01/2022 19:11

You don't have to accept face-timing or indeed any communication. If he persists report him for harassment and coercive control. He is looking for someone to control, you, his "friend" or another vulnerable victim. Protect yourself. Have you tried Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme?

Original poster

maskedwoman · 16/01/2022 19:14

@LIZS

You don't have to accept face-timing or indeed any communication. If he persists report him for harassment and coercive control. He is looking for someone to control, you, his "friend" or another vulnerable victim. Protect yourself. Have you tried Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme?

I am with my local womens aid and having therapy every other week as well as weekly therapy through a private counsellor.

Like I say, I've been doing so well. I know I would never go back as he hasn't changed and never will. I don't really understand what's gone on today but I will get there.

Also - I felt I had to answer the FaceTime because I was scared of him. I can't win. If I didn't answer to prove there was no other man here, he would obviously think that there was and I'd be scared of that reaction.

So I answered but then felt equally shit that I had.

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Judith0000 · 16/01/2022 19:19

So you want him to want you? But you dont want him?

StoneofDestiny · 16/01/2022 19:27

Why don't you cut all contact, delete all numbers of him and his family and get a new number yourself. Live your life without his puppet strings controlling you.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 16/01/2022 19:27

@Judith0000

So you want him to want you? But you dont want him?

It's how it goes when you have spent years been abused and controlled...trauma bonding

OP posts:

LIZS · 16/01/2022 19:32

Surely your counsellor can advise you how to overcome his manipulation and codependency. It is not up to you to prove you are alone or allay his "suspicions".

pickingdaisies · 16/01/2022 19:41

Hi, OP. I remember your last post. You were struggling so hard to keep your distance, so many people were telling you then not to do the face time, not to contact him, not to reply. I think you know it in your head, but your heart hasn't caught up yet. But you HAVE to understand this. He's going to play with you like a cat plays with a mouse, while he thinks he can reel you back in. You have to harden your heart, and disengage.. Then stay disengaged. Because he's only in this for the game. Stop playing. It's your only chance.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 16/01/2022 19:52

@pickingdaisies

Hi, OP. I remember your last post. You were struggling so hard to keep your distance, so many people were telling you then not to do the face time, not to contact him, not to reply. I think you know it in your head, but your heart hasn't caught up yet. But you HAVE to understand this. He's going to play with you like a cat plays with a mouse, while he thinks he can reel you back in. You have to harden your heart, and disengage.. Then stay disengaged. Because he's only in this for the game. Stop playing. It's your only chance.

Yes they did and believe me, I did stop the FaceTimes. I became very grey rock like - I've been doing so well like I said. He's been asking me to go round, I've been saying a firm NO. During FaceTimes if he tried to turn the call into being about me more than DS, I was putting him straight - I was doing it!

It's just today I've wobbled. I need to maybe admit that I do still have feelings for him - I can't help those but I do 100% know the way he has treated me is appalling. I'm not second guessing myself on any of it.

OP posts:

WonderfulYou · 16/01/2022 20:01

I was wondering how you got on and hoped you stayed strong.

You need to delete his number! Get rid of every text and call history so there’s no way of possibly contacting him.

Every time he texts or ring ignore it and delete it straight away.

Tell yourself you won’t contact him for 7 days. After that if you really want to them answer his call/text.

But right now he is laughing at you because you’re playing right into his hands.
Next you will be inviting him around and you’ll get back into a relationship that you can’t get out of as you were the one who initiated it, he will also treat you like shit and chest on you knowing you will never end the relationship properly.

unicornsarereal72 · 16/01/2022 20:02

You are under no obligation to engage with him on any level. You are no longer significant to each other. If he asks who are with I would ignore him but if you have to respond I would say it is no longer his concern. And vice versa. He can go off and be with whoever he wants to be with.

3 things you need to communicate on and how to minimise these.

Contact with children. Contact is eow or whatever. Pick up time is x drop off time is y. Communication is only about confirming timings and cancelled visits. Just an ok in reply is fine . Neither of you need any other details.

Money. Support through CMS. Let them do the chasing. You do not need to get involved.

House/divorce. Solicitor. If a question is asked the answer is I will get back to you. Or I will speak to my solicitor.

That is it. Nothing else needs to be discussed. You need stock answers. That is not Your concern covers most things. My ex hated this he wanted to be seen as the great ex husband doing right by his child's mother. Whilst not seeing the kids or paying support

Get strong if you have things you need to get out. Journal them Or write emails and draft them. Do not reply immediately. Sleep on things etc.

Keep yourself busy. Redirect your thinking. When he drifts into your head don't run with consciously stop yourself and think about something else. How you want to decorate your house or holidays you would love to go on. You have to retrain your brain.

It takes practice but gets easier in time. And you taking his control away will drive him wild.

Serenschintte · 16/01/2022 20:07

Have you done the Freedom program? Highly recommend it
You haven’t failed - because you are recognizing what you did.
Keep going with your therapy and the techniques that were working for you in the past.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 16/01/2022 20:10

@WonderfulYou

I was wondering how you got on and hoped you stayed strong.

You need to delete his number! Get rid of every text and call history so there’s no way of possibly contacting him.

Every time he texts or ring ignore it and delete it straight away.

Tell yourself you won’t contact him for 7 days. After that if you really want to them answer his call/text.

But right now he is laughing at you because you’re playing right into his hands.
Next you will be inviting him around and you’ll get back into a relationship that you can’t get out of as you were the one who initiated it, he will also treat you like shit and chest on you knowing you will never end the relationship properly.

I need to keep the texts just so I have them incase it ever turns really nasty and goes to the police/court. I don't know if there's a way to delete them but still keep them on my phone. If there was then id happily do it.

I don't spend my days reading through all the messages though. I got to a point where I was fully functioning again, it was great. Even yesterday I was like that! I sorted through all my things that are in my mums garage and came across all the bday/ v day/ Xmas etc cards from us both. Going back years - I threw them all away.

I really don't understand what's happened today - well
I do, it's been the first time he's really ignored me and I started thinking about the other woman.

I also need him to go to the bank to sign a form to take my name off the joint bank account. I've done it but they won't take me off without his signature. I can see all the transactions he makes and last night while in a bar, it was obvious from the amounts spent that he was buying drinks for 2 people.

But anyway...yes I know. I need to get back to how I was. Luckily I have kept a diary the whole way through this so I'm going to sit and read through it all tonight and I have sent him a message to say contact re DS is now through my mum.

I will not be going back, I've come this far now. I've dreamed of being away from him for so long.

OP posts:

Original poster

maskedwoman · 16/01/2022 20:13

@Serenschintte

Have you done the Freedom program? Highly recommend it You haven’t failed - because you are recognizing what you did. Keep going with your therapy and the techniques that were working for you in the past.

No I have been meaning too though! I will give it a go.

I've been writing things down in my diary, posting on here, watching YouTube videos on narcissist's, having therapy from a charity and private. Also bought a couple of books.

I was so proud of myself

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thepeopleversuswork · 16/01/2022 20:14

Sorry OP but the real issue here isn't his behaviour, its your mindset.

You know he's a narcissist and is trying to play with your head. You know this is not what you need, that he's controlling and not trustworthy. You have been separated for three months. Why are you feeling you have to prove to him that you are not with other men and telling him you love him. This is exactly what he wants.

You have to learn to be a lot more ruthless here. What @unicornsarereal72 recommends is all spot on. But more than this you need to disengage from him. You need to start faking it until you make it, maybe, but you need to learn that he is not important, his views don't matter. You need to teach yourself to move on.

WonderfulYou · 16/01/2022 20:31

and I have sent him a message to say contact re DS is now through my mum.

If he replies don’t message back.

You messaged him acting jealous about another women and are now saying not to message you when it was you who messaged him first.

It’s hard but you just need to stop contacting him.

I think the diaries a great idea. When you pictured him with another women you got jealous even though you should have felt relief. Remembering why you’re not with him will hopefully make things easier.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2022 20:34

If he replies don’t message back.

PLEASE take this advice. You have got to stop communicating with him, and you absolutely need to stop justifying anything about your life to him ever again. He has no right to question anything you're doing.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 16/01/2022 20:35

@thepeopleversuswork

Sorry OP but the real issue here isn't his behaviour, its your mindset.

You know he's a narcissist and is trying to play with your head. You know this is not what you need, that he's controlling and not trustworthy. You have been separated for three months. Why are you feeling you have to prove to him that you are not with other men and telling him you love him. This is exactly what he wants.

You have to learn to be a lot more ruthless here. What @unicornsarereal72 recommends is all spot on. But more than this you need to disengage from him. You need to start faking it until you make it, maybe, but you need to learn that he is not important, his views don't matter. You need to teach yourself to move on.

Because I'm scared of him I think. And I know what he can be like - he will twist everything to make it my fault.

I completely agree that this time it hasn't been him, it's been me. Yesterday he finally paid maintenance for DS and was nice about it. Then left me alone. It was just panic for me but like I say, I'd never go back.

Tomorrow is a new day, I'm emotionally exhausted after crying all day today so hopefully I'll sleep well tonight and wake up feeling better.

I also have a gp appointment tomorrow where I was going to ask about coming off my antidepressants (as I honestly thought I was ready for that) but clearly I'm not.

OP posts:

Original poster

maskedwoman · 16/01/2022 20:38

@WonderfulYou

and I have sent him a message to say contact re DS is now through my mum.

If he replies don’t message back.

You messaged him acting jealous about another women and are now saying not to message you when it was you who messaged him first.

It’s hard but you just need to stop contacting him.

I think the diaries a great idea. When you pictured him with another women you got jealous even though you should have felt relief. Remembering why you’re not with him will hopefully make things easier.

When I initially found out about her, I felt relief but that was in a time where he wasn't leaving me alone.

Now I'm seeing a different side of him where he is backing off and obviously he was going to at some point.

I believe he has done a classic narcissist trait by having the next one lined up when he finally gets fed up of pestering me - and this is where I have failed!

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Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2022 20:39

Because I'm scared of him I think. And I know what he can be like - he will twist everything to make it my fault.

This is exactly the mindset you have to change. Let him twist any fucking thing he wants to. Nothing is your fault and you can do whatever you please. Let him have a tantrum if he wants to because you won't be listening to it. You have to show him clearly that is opinion is now, and forevermore, irrelevant.