Please help me find my anger...

[maskedwoman]

I had another post on here which I had great responses from and advice that I needed to keep hold of my anger to keep me going

Today I have wobbled and shown my exH my vulnerable side and that I do still love him in some way - i have no idea why.

I have done nothing but cry today, I am emotionally drained.

However I am guessing I have wobbled because he has finally left me alone and I haven't been able to cope with it. Here's a bit of backstory:

I left 3 months ago have through therapy since realised I was coercive controlled by him and he is a narcissist- according to my therapist but after doing my own research, I 100% believe it too.

Every day pretty much since I left, he has been harassing me with messages. Saying he will change, promising me it will be different. He hasn't left me alone when I've asked him too. Used DS as a weapon - for me to speak during FaceTime, drop offs etc.

He has also been convinced I have someone else - I don't. He has also messaged an ex, gone back on to tinder and got back in touch with an old female friend - went to her house to talk apparently.

Meanwhile I have had to FaceTime him to prove i have no other man here. I've been called cruel. horrible and heartless by him.

He has talked about suicide and I've had to contact his family members to ask them to look out for him.

He was on a night out last night and hasn't contacted me at all today. I then began thinking of this female friend and wondering if he was out with her.

My emotions got the better of me for the first time in 3 months and I caved. I text him asking if he went out with her and told him I love him underneath all the hurt he's caused me.

His reply was that he is still in contact with his 'friend' for support but hasn't seen her. He sent me proof he was out with his mates and basically told me he was going to leave me alone to get better - something I've heard many times but he has continued to harass me. However this time I think he is serious and he's going to leave me alone....it like it's the first time he doesn't want me anymore.

And I'm heartbroken. Why? This is what I've wanted for so long! Honestly this time yesterday I was adamant that I didn't want him anymore and everyday previous to that. I've been so strong! The thought of him with other women didn't bother me but tonight I just can't stand it.

I'm not being too hard on myself, I was always going to crumble at some point.

Could it be trauma bonding?

I know how hard this is. I was in fear of my ex. But I had to draw a line for my mental health.

He left for ow and moved in with her he had made his choice after six
Months of dithering. Line drawn

Let him have his tantrum. Like a kid. Do not give it any attention. So he slags you off. To who. Who cares. You are doing nothing but keeping firm Boundaries. You and those close to you know the truth. You don't need to be convincing everyone he's an arse and you are justified. It doesn't matter.

You are doing great keep leaning on all those support systems you have and don't mess with your meds just yet.

Thank you all.

I know I will get there. It might sound it but I really have zero intention of ever going back to him.

These issues I am feeling now I can recognise are in myself and what's happened today for once has been caused by me.

To go back to the being scared of him and twisting things - I really wanted to never reply to any of the 'is there someone else' messages but it's absolutely awful to live it as you feel if you don't reply he will believe it and then the whole world and his dog would think the same. Which I know shouldn't matter but for me - someone with zero self esteem, it's a scary thing.

I need to get my boundaries in place and more importantly I NEED to learn how to respect those.
I'm working on these this week with my therapist

You will and you will have blips along the way.

But so what if you meet someone new. You are a single women.

I would go with that isn't your concern and shut it down.

I said last time that you would probably try to "help" him a few more times before you found your inner steel. This is the process you're going through I think. You feel strong & it's weird in itself to feel that so you test your new boundary out of curiosity, find it's still only new, still being built, get your fingers burned again & now you're here, learning to build again & stronger this time.
You're right, don't be hard on yourself for this inevitable wobble. You may yet have a couple more somewhere down the road but ultimately, you are getting there. You do know what you want, what you deserve & you have to plug away at finding your strength & confidence.

No-one can change ingrained emotional responses overnight, it's a process. And you are further along than last time & so you continue.

@unicornsarereal72

You will and you will have blips along the way.

But so what if you meet someone new. You are a single women.

I would go with that isn't your concern and shut it down.

I'm trying really hard to work on myself before putting myself out there for dating. Respecting myself, knowing what I want from a relationship etc and also making sure I have my red flag radar turned on! But I'll get there

@Owlink

I said last time that you would probably try to "help" him a few more times before you found your inner steel. This is the process you're going through I think. You feel strong & it's weird in itself to feel that so you test your new boundary out of curiosity, find it's still only new, still being built, get your fingers burned again & now you're here, learning to build again & stronger this time. You're right, don't be hard on yourself for this inevitable wobble. You may yet have a couple more somewhere down the road but ultimately, you are getting there. You do know what you want, what you deserve & you have to plug away at finding your strength & confidence.

No-one can change ingrained emotional responses overnight, it's a process. And you are further along than last time & so you continue.

Ahh yes I remember you did. I was so set in my last post that I just wanted him to leave me alone.

But then he nice to me...well normal - he paid maintenance for DS left me alone he did and I wobbled. Then speaking to him today was like he just didn't want too and admitted he's still in contact with his 'friend' although that's all she is.

I just want to be out of this stage but I know I'm making the process go on longer.

I have so many things that I want to do. In fact I did one last week....I got a tattoo! Somewhere I can see it to remind me to keep going forwards. It's working great so far 🙄🤔

When you think about it, you havent really been broken up for 3 months. You say he has been contacting you every day and you have been engaging with him. He's been doing the same old manipulative stuff and you have been reacting the same old way to his behaviour.

So probably what happened is when he went silent, it felt real for the first time and you panicked/felt upset. Now that first time is done, you can start to move forward properly by not having him in your life.

@GrumpyTerrier

When you think about it, you havent really been broken up for 3 months. You say he has been contacting you every day and you have been engaging with him. He's been doing the same old manipulative stuff and you have been reacting the same old way to his behaviour.

So probably what happened is when he went silent, it felt real for the first time and you panicked/felt upset. Now that first time is done, you can start to move forward properly by not having him in your life.

Yes I agree. It's the first time I've realised I'm actually going to lose him. Which is what I wanted but it just hasn't happened due to the constant messages etc.

I'm just telling myself tomorrow is a new day and i can start again

I believe he has done a classic narcissist trait by having the next one lined up when he finally gets fed up of pestering me - and this is where I have failed!

He’s done the classic narcissistic thing by going from harassing you and asking who you’re with to all of a sudden being nice and leaving you alone - which means you’ll end up thinking about him and wanting to contact him.
I guarantee if you don’t contact him for a few days he’ll start messaging you again.

As PPs have said you’re bound to have blips so just put this down to one of those and as you said tomorrow is a new day.

You need to reframe your language and thoughts. You are not "losing" him, that is too passive. You can miss the relationship and how it might have made you once feel but replace "lose" with some of the things you and your ds will gain without him. Be more positive about the split so that you can take control of your feelings and reactions.

He is deliberately undermining your resolve by harrassing you and forcing you to think about him. Can you get another phone, use the existing sim only for contact over ds and limit how often you check it.

Morning, thank you for all your messages. I feel much better today.

It was almost like I needed to get it out of my system - I have been very strong but everything had just built up inside.

He is now very cold with me and defensive of everything - where as he was sorry before. That's fine, I can still see him for what he really is which is an abusing controlling narcissist.

He never has been able to be alone. He's never been single so he just has to have the next one line up to replace me but she is his problem now not mine.

Today I'm going to buy myself a new diary as I feel it's the start of a new chapter. Now he has her to focus on, he won't be at me all the time anymore which means I can really move on with my life.

It's sort of the part I've been dreading but I am now ready to block him and have contact with DS through my mum. I will leave the contact up to him - people have been telling me the less contact he has with DS the better which i agree.

I know I'll get there. Yesterday was just a blip on my part but it's made me realise what his relationship really is with this other women and although it hurts, I need to feel it to be able to move on.

It's clear from reading each new post that you HAVE made progress, however much it's hurting you. You see him clearly now, and your therapist can help you with the tools you need to rebuild your boundaries. Like you said, he's taken your self-esteem to rock bottom. You can build it back up, you're beginning to see what you need to do. That's the start, it must look very daunting and scary right now, but it's one step at a time. Wish I could give you a hug ((()))

@pickingdaisies

It's clear from reading each new post that you HAVE made progress, however much it's hurting you. You see him clearly now, and your therapist can help you with the tools you need to rebuild your boundaries. Like you said, he's taken your self-esteem to rock bottom. You can build it back up, you're beginning to see what you need to do. That's the start, it must look very daunting and scary right now, but it's one step at a time. Wish I could give you a hug ((()))

Thank you, I think that's all I need half the time. A hug and for someone to tell me it will be ok x

It will be. One day at a time