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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

toxic ex mother in law

36 replies

cheesytoast666 · 16/01/2022 18:17

Could do with some advice.

STBEXH has said he wants our 10 month old infant 3 days a week. I agreed. I acknowledge the fact that he is our childs dad and I support that. Despite me doing everything alone including pregnancy and birth and despite all the shit he put me through, I know i will have to share our child.

The main thing that is eating me up inside is the thought of my child being with Ex's narcisitic mother in-law. I always heard of the word narcisit and never really knew exactly what it meant until i met her.

She is the most negative and toxic person i have ever met and many others agree. She played a HUGE part in this divorce. Knowing she will be around my child almost every time in those 3 days makes me feel really uneasy. I dont trust her. Ex is a coward and doesnt say anything to his mum because then she starts emotionally blackmailing him and would hit herself, cry, leave the house etc when things dont go her way.

Shes the type of toxic who told her own children to lie in court so that her ex doesnt get any visitation rights. Shes the type of toxic who till this day 25+ years since her divorce goes out of her way to chat shit about her ex to her now grown children. Shes the type of toxic who refused to see her grandchild because she didnt want to see me after i intiitated the divorce and expected ex to bring her the newborn without my presence. The type of toxic who told ex not to pay child maintenence out of spite (which btw is £150 a month).

I dont know what kind of games she will play to try get back at me in my life now. I know she will do exactly what she did with her own children, with mine. Thats just how she is. She holds grudges and will go at any level to be petty.

Im scared at loosing control over my child. Im scared about how she will try be petty and make things difficult. I know its easy for her because she fully controls and manipulates Ex who is a few years away from turning 40.

I feel sad and hurt that my child would be around such people. I feel sad that my child would be away from me half the time.

In my mind im looking for excuses to reduce the time like...is 3 days a week too much for such a young infant? Maybe if taken through the courts, they would rule in my favour? I sometimes think like this to make myself feel better.

Sorry for the long post. I just feel really sad.

OP posts:
cheesytoast666 · 16/01/2022 18:18

*The main thing that is eating me up inside is the thought of my child being with Ex's narcisitic mother.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 16/01/2022 18:19

No 10 month old infant needs to be away from its mother for 3 days a week.

Please reconsider this.

Theunamedcat · 16/01/2022 18:21

Itstoo much all in one go courts don't usually do 50/50 instantly

titchy · 16/01/2022 18:25

Shock Why the fuck did you agree 3 full days a week for a baby? That's the sort of pattern for a pre-schooler - not a baby.

He needs to build up to that level of context over a year or two, not leap directly into it.

YoComoManzanas · 16/01/2022 18:28

3 days a week is practically 50/50 and you won't get any child support.

cheesytoast666 · 16/01/2022 18:28

So I wanted to clarify that 3 days a week is not 3 consecutive days. Its 3 different days eg monday, wednesday, friday from like 11pm to 7pm.

Is this still too much?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 16/01/2022 18:30

If you agree to 50/50 or similar he won’t have to pay you and support.
It’s quite a disruptive schedule for such a small child as well, abd that’s taking your ex mil out of the equation

HelpMeHiveMind · 16/01/2022 18:33

You were obviously trying to do the right thing but that is an unusual amount for a baby. You can reconsider- just go back to him and say you fully intend him to have shared access (hence the 50/50 split) but have since learned it is not the norm to do so much quite so young and have been advised it's not in a baby's best interests. As such, you'd like to build up to that level more slowly. However, none of these posts really help with uoir original q re: toxic MIL. I do sympathise as had v similar situ myself years ago. Unfortunately the bottom line is, she's the child's grandmother like it or not and you won't be able to control who your ex shares his time with unless you have a solid reason to believe your child is at risk, in which case take it to court. In my case - as I hope will be yours- even though the woman is nuts and was always vile to me, she adores our child and has been fabulous with them.

scorpiogirly · 16/01/2022 18:34

I wouldn't agree to this.

whatsthecraic91 · 16/01/2022 18:38

No way should you have agreed to this! One day a week for a few hours & maybe one night EOW. That's far too much disruption for a baby of that age. I wouldn't consider 50/50 until the child is in school.

cheesytoast666 · 16/01/2022 18:38

@HelpMeHiveMind Thank you for your advice.

I thought 50/50 would be if he has the baby literally 50% of the time which i count in hours. Eg. if theres 168 hours in a week then he will have the baby half that time.

So is 3 days a week, different days for about 7 hours a day too much?

Seeing peoples reactions im actually more concerned about this now?

Scared to approach it with him aswell now because i verbally said it was fine.

Shall i say that i spoke to a solicitor who advised this was too much?

If we take it to court then what if they rule in his favour or give him more than what was initially agreed to!

ahhh im so scared and worried

OP posts:
cheesytoast666 · 16/01/2022 18:43

im still abit confused

monday, wednesday and friday from 11-7pm is very close to being 50/50?

OP posts:
FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 16/01/2022 18:50

I totally get what you're saying and sympathise, it must be horrible knowing she has access without you being there.

I don't understand those saying 3 days is too much though. Most people have their 10 month olds (or 1 yr olds) in childcare 3 days a week or more. Rightly or wrongly it's very normal for babies to be away from their mums for that time so I think that's a moot point really.

I really feel for you. Not sure there's anything you can do though 😢

KhaleesiOfChaos · 16/01/2022 18:50

OP there are 168 hrs in a week. You're suggesting ex has your child for 24 hours total across three days. It's no way near 50:50.

Aimee1987 · 16/01/2022 19:02

7 hours a day 3 days a week is perfectly fine for a child that age to be away from mum and be with their other parent.
The original post made it sound like 3 consecutive days and nights.

I think it's a good way for her to build the relationship with dad. Regarding MIL theres not much you can do I dont think. I'm guessing he lives with her? Does he have any plans for his own place?

Merryoldgoat · 16/01/2022 19:06

Why are you sending a baby overnight three times a week?

You keep the baby with you, he can visit but there’s no need for overnights.

I personally would get a court order because as you both have PR (presumably) he could keep the child and you’d have to go through court to get the baby back.

He doesn’t have ‘rights’ - he has responsibilities.

cheesytoast666 · 16/01/2022 19:06

@Aimee1987

Yes he does live with his mum and also regularly sees his dad. So the baby will be between 2 houses when he has the baby

OP posts:
cheesytoast666 · 16/01/2022 19:09

I think i confused everyone in my origional post.

When i said 3 days i meant monday, wednesday, friday from 11pm to 7pm.

No consecutive days or nights yet

How much does it cost to get a court order and how easy is it?

I didnt think he would keep the baby and not return the baby back to me as planned etc but i think im being too trusting..

OP posts:
mismigraije · 16/01/2022 19:12

@cheesytoast666

I think i confused everyone in my origional post.

When i said 3 days i meant monday, wednesday, friday from 11pm to 7pm.

No consecutive days or nights yet

How much does it cost to get a court order and how easy is it?

I didnt think he would keep the baby and not return the baby back to me as planned etc but i think im being too trusting..

Do you mean 11am-7pm. ? I think you do. I think that's fine tbh. But I think you should do 2 days.
cheesytoast666 · 16/01/2022 19:12

Im just trying to do the right thing

This is why i thought what i had agreed to was ok and reasonable for a baby but im having doubts now

Wish i had spoken to a solicitor before agreeing to anything

OP posts:
cheesytoast666 · 16/01/2022 19:14

@mismigraije yes i do mean 11am-7pm.

I know ex will NOT be happy with 2 days and wont agree to it

OP posts:
Underthestairsbears · 16/01/2022 19:17

You really need to speak to a solicitor. Your first hour is usually free.
Without anything on paper sometime down the line your ex can paint a very different picture of what was agreed at this point and could try to go for a more permanent custody.

Restart10 · 16/01/2022 19:24

I too think you need to speak to a Solicitor. 2 days seems more reasonable given your baby's age.

RB68 · 16/01/2022 19:29

fine he is not thinkong of the child here but of himself having access. I think its called a child arrangement order and it needs to go to court you can self represent but if he has a solicitor I would try and make sure I do to so I didn't get brow beaten etc.

Curlyreine · 16/01/2022 19:35

Please
Seek legal advice

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