Do I speak to the doctor about this or is this normal? 3 year old hitting

[wingingit987]

I’m starting to become worried about my 3 year olds behavior. Especially how aggressive he’s becoming I seem to be getting the brunt of it.

During tantrums he will kick, bite, pinch and claw at me. These tantrums over the last week 4 have been happening multiple times a day mostly when we say no. Which I think is ordinary. However I'm concerned with how angry he is getting. He growls at you and will literally claw at you.

We are doing time out and lots and lots of praise for any little good thing but I’m really struggling with the hitting. We do sticker charts and that isn’t working.

I literally feel that I'm being beaten up my my 3 year old. Today I've been punched kicked smacked scratched and pinched multiple times.

I'm continuously on the verge of tears.

It's normal for them to push boundaries but this sounds extreme.
Remove yourself from him, if he attacks you move him away no negotiations just "don't smack" in a firm tone.
My nephew couldn't cope with the word no at that age, Dsis replaced no with not at the moment, or leave it alone, he is a 15 year old now he got over it.

Have a look at Biglittlefeelings on Instagram.

Can I run something past you? Might be way off the mark but you mentioned a baby. Could he be processing that? When he's showing that aggression, do you always bring him in close and share a snack? I wonder if he sees it as a way to get your attention and have a treat with you.

I'm a GP and if you consulted me I would advise you to contact your health visitor.

Hi, my so went through a kicking/hitting phase just after turning 3 and his tantrums were just awful with the screaming. He is speech delayed so I know he gets frustrated.

I think some of it was to get my attention ( I have a young baby). But if I give him attention for this behaviour it won't get better.

My solution was to tell him mummy won't play with him when he is kicking etc. i leave the room and he will calm down and follow me. 6 months on its much better

We've also been trying to say when he feels angry to breath like we're blowing bubbles to calm down we have a book about what to do if we want to hit as he was getting very handsy at nursery.

He now takes a toy in with him and they use it as a reward if he's good he can have the toy for abit so that is working for the most part at nursery

@Bagamoyo1

Thank you I think I'll contact the health visitor tomorrow.

Mine went through a hitting phase at that age. I think it’s quite common as they start testing boundaries and see what they can get away with.

We would immediately put him outside the room we were in or walk away from him, put toys away or turn the tv off. If he was at soft play or similar then we’d pick him up and take him straight home. Minimal eye contact, calm voice, repeatedly say “I’m not talking to you until you stop shouting/hitting/pinching/whatever”. He’d usually stop the behaviour pretty quickly and say sorry. We’d then give him lots of cuddles and talk about how hitting isn’t nice and doesn’t help anything, we understand he is feeling cross/sad/tired, let’s talk about how we can make things better etc. Took a couple of months but he grew out of it. Still has occasional tantrums but there’s no physical aggression now.

I would def talk to HV but I think it's quite common for kids to lash out a few months after a new sibling. I have a friend going through this at the moment and I remember similar with my DS. Good luck! It's a tricky age.

@WinnersDinner, where do you get 'poor parenting decisions' from?
That's out of order.

@WinnersDinner

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Wow you are out of order. The OP is asking for help and support. I am also going through similar with a child of mine.

This is supposed to be a supportive forum.

"if I thought there was a developmental issue and behavior can be linked to development."

Yes, often the two are intertwined. I am contacting my HV tomorrow morning about my own DC's escalating behaviour. She may be able to speed up paediatrician referral.

If you’re concerned about behaviour then go to the Health Visiting team rather than GP.

Have you tried different ways of saying no, such as you can have/ do it later on as we need to do X first? And maybe explaining why we can't do/ have it right now? Something along those lines? My son does not respond well to the word no. My other one might have a moan if he's told no but just gets on with it afterwards so it's nothing to do with "poor parenting". Some people are so bloody judgemental, don't take any notice.

I'm going through something similar with dd op. Her behaviour is more extreme than your ds. I spoke to my health visitor and nursery and we're now gathering evidence for a referral for autism assessment.

I'm not telling you that because I believe your ds is autistic, I'm saying you're not alone and you are right in approaching someone like your health visitor or GP for advice and further input.

@wingingit987 just to let you know you're definitely not alone! My little boy will be 4 very soon and the last year has being so hard, similar issues which we've dealt with quite similar to you, I have read so so many articles and tried every solution over the last year, I think I've eventually realised that his behavioual trigger was tiredness, when he is in any way tired he actually can be in really good form but the slightest thing can set him off so it was quite hard to pin down what was happening, has your little one started nursery/ activities recently maybe? if I were you I would buy a notebook make a record of the behaviour each day and what he did that day( activity/eat/sleep) and maybe you will find some correlation/ explanation!

My eldest used to be like this with her father around a similar age. What worked for us was to make sure she was in a safe space and give her some space. Still be there so we was there when she was ready, but far enough away that she couldn't hurt him. He would usually say that he is there to help her calm down when she's ready and for a cuddle when she's ready. She would usually bang around for it a bit and then run over for a cuddle. She used to get so overwhelmed with her emotions she just needed to let it all out. Giving her space meant she could do that safely and know that we were still there for her

As pp said, being told no was a big trigger. We would try and avoid it say things like 'we can't do that right now, shall we try this instead'

Thanks for all the post and I'm going to contact the health visitor tomorrow and talk to nursery.

I will write down when he does become aggressive and see how I get on. I'm hoping it's a phase it's so difficult.

I can deal with the crying about things that's fine I can distract him it's just the hitting I'm struggling to deal with.

It seems to be mostly me that he hits on purpose. He doesn't do it to my oh maybe will kick his legs. If you were picking him up but that's it.

How did you get on OP?

Time out and “naughty step “ strategies only tend to work in your own home. In social situations you may have to use zero tolerance, it works far better.
At the moment a lot of your time is taken up with your younger child and your DS has noticed. He has also worked out that when he misbehaved he gets more of your attention. All the gentle reasoning and one to one is making it worse. When you say no it has to mean no and must have further consequences. When my DS is as very small if he tantrums over a no I would ignore the behaviour but be around to stop him hurting himself. When he realised his behaviour wasn’t going to change my mind he gave up, however my DH wasn’t so consistent, he would give in frequently so DSs tantrum strategy was worth a try because it was more likely to work than not.
The mistake you are making is not removing him completely from the situation when out and about. You may be enjoying it but if his behaviour is causing stress you have to do something. Before you get there you lay down the boundaries, any misbehaviour results in you leaving immediately. It’s sounds like your DS has already worked out cause and effect so will probably only need to be totally removed a handful of times.
At home, you can use anything you want to sort out his behaviour but having a zero tolerance no is by far the easiest way to avoid “no” tantrums.
The nursery my DS went to, rather than using no ( which didn’t always have the effect they needed) taught them “stop”. It has much less negative effect and great if they are a runner. By the time DS was 3 if you said ( you didn’t have to shout) “stop” he would stand completely still or stop what he was doing. It may be an alternative word to use.
Finally, you mentioned he dribbles, this can be a sign of difficulty swallowing due to the discomfort of low grade inflammation of the middle ear, chronic middle ear infection “ glue ear” can cause intermittent hearing difficulties and low grade pain. Symptoms can be very subtle but often lead to frustration because the child often only partly hears what you say and may misinterpret you.

I took my son (a child at that time) to a developmental behavioral pediatrician for his behavior.(his primary doctor referred us) and we kept in contact with him for years and also got referred to child psychiatry by him. The man was head of the department at the children's hospital and a godsend for us. The behavior my son exhibited wasn't due to parenting it was due to a brain injury from a stroke he suffered in NiCU-@wingingit987 I think you sound like a loving mother and I wish you the best.

"The mistake you are making is not removing him completely from the situation when out and about."

Impossible to do whilst waiting on a school bell to ring, waiting on the child's older sibling to get out of class. I can't go straight home, I need to stay put. Just one example of how this can't be applied to all cases....

"The nursery my DS went to, rather than using no ( which didn’t always have the effect they needed) taught them “stop”"

We have also been recommended to use "stop" by nursery staff too. I have just started using it with varying success so far but will keep using it.

Also I meant to add @wingingit987, you seem to be upset that it's primarily you that he hits ( totally understandable!) But just remember he's doing that because it's you! You're clearly his safe space & he's simply letting his frustration (& whatever emotion he's finding too hard to handle) out on you as you're his number one he knows you'll love him unconditionally!! I always found that helpful to remember after a "busy" day!!!

Thanks for the replies.

The hv advised us to give up on a naughty step instead we stay stop once then if it doesn't stop I need to remove myself from the situation. Then overly praise when he does anything good.

Sort of ignoring it. Then later on I'm telling him how sad it made me when he did this earlier.

Seems to be working.

When out and about if he hits anyone or anything hv said that we need to go home.