To be upset about his Google search

[Babylird22]

First off I know it sounds bad that I was on my husband's phone but it wasn't in a stalker way. My phone was upstairs and we're both easygoing with using eachother's phones. I just went on Google to search a cleaning hack and the browser had two tabs open - "Why does my wife lose her patience so quickly with our child" and "Why is my wife so quick to criticise but not to praise". So now I feel like an absolute monster. There could have been more searches but I didn't want to then start trawling his history or go down a hole.

I don't think I lose my temper with my son quickly, and actively try to do gentle parenting but we're going through the terrible twos at the moment and I've been struggling with morning sickness / general pregnancy exhaustion. Lately mornings have been so difficult because I'm WFH but still do the nursery run, so I HAVE to be out the house on time in order to be home to start work at a set time. I purposely get up at half 5 to be ready before DS wakens, get him up, dressed, fed, sort the dog. Brushing my son's teeth and hair is a nightmare at the min so that takes a while, he loves running so runs around and then flops to the floor when I try to get his coat and shoes on and throws a fit getting into the pram. Meanwhile DH gets up 15 mins before DS, makes a packed lunch for DS and goes off on his merry way. Admittedly this frustrates me, I can raise my voice when I'm trying to get out of the house on time but I've never so much as thought of raising a hand to DS and we have a great relationship. Weekends are far more chilled because we're not out of the house on a strict schedule. And yes, I do criticise that DH could help more, could do more around the house (last week he asked what I do all day when I work from home...I work, then walk the dog on my lunch). I do the cooking of an evening, he sorts the kitchen while I bath and put our son to bed.

I suppose I have been a bit of a moody cow for a while - we argued yesterday when he offered to help me tidy up when he got back from seeing a friend, and I snapped that it's his job too, it shouldn't be a case of helping me. I moaned that the house was a mess a few weeks ago, and he said if I didn't go to bed at 8pm every night it wouldn't be. I said the world doesn't stop turning just because I go to bed, and he asked why he should do everything just because I'm not feeling up to it.

Basically I'm just incredibly hurt and feel like I must be a monster to live with. Despite recent arguments I love DH dearly, everything else in our relationship is great and he always tells me I look nice, I'm good at my job, we have lots of future plans but I'm really struggling with my pregnancy at the minute and this has really got to me today. I did confront him about it and he said I've been unbearable at the minute because all I do is moan, so now we've just not spoken all day and I've been guilt ridden and feeling sorry for myself.

Am I just being soft? I know this all sounds so trivial. Maybe it's my hormones.

What does he do at the weekends/on his days off? You’re pregnant, working and have a second job of looking after your child so it’s understable that you’re stressed.
Does he ever look after DC by himself?

He typically plays golf on a Saturday for a few hours, then on a Sunday we do family things. He very rarely looks after DS on his own, but is perfectly capable and would be happy to. It's just we live away from family and friends so I don't really have a social life here. But like if I want to get my hair done or whatever for a few hours there's not an issue with him being home with DS and they have a great time together. What I will say though is that I come home to a tip. He was overseas with work for 6 months and I managed to keep a home and work alone, but he cannot care for our son and put things away / chuck a wash in the machine.

Sounds like you need to redress the balance. Tell hi myo I accept vyorue moody etc atm but you're exhausted and feel like the work load isn't even. Soon you'll have another baby to are for too and you feel it's mostly on you.

Why do you have to get up at 5.30 because he won't help get DS ready or do the nursery run?
Of course you're going to bed early, you're having to get up so early to get DS ready and he basically wakes up and walks out.
Why are you cooking and doing bed routine every night?
Why is the house so untidy every night when you're all working / out that he can't get it sorted in the time it takes to do bed and bath?

He's going to have to get used to doing more with DS when you've got a newborn attached to you

YANBU sounds like he’s not pulling his weight yet expects you to have the patience of a saint. Perhaps he should be the one who gets your DS ready and takes him to nursery and see how he copes. I’d be really pissed off if I were you.

Obvious search on his phone "why does my husband have to be asked to entertain/occupy his own children knowing his I'm pregnant, tired and feeling isolated"

Oh heck no - I’m currently suffering extreme pregnancy sickness so daddy does all mornings - dressing, teeth etc. I feed my boy porridge and waive them off, then sit down to work.
You are losing your temper because you are fatigued and doing far too much, and then guilt eats you up - he needs to do a lot more in the mornings.

@C8H10N4O2

Obvious search on his phone "why does my husband have to be asked to entertain/occupy his own children knowing his I'm pregnant, tired and feeling isolated"

Oh yeah please do this

@Ohmycron what do you even get from posting something like that?

It sounds like there may be some broader issues in your relationship but on this specific one: this is what can happen when you see things not meant for you. He perhaps searched rather than just confronting or criticising you precisely because he wanted to be supportive. He's allowed to privately think thoughts that aren't about how wonderful you are - you clearly have thoughts about him that aren't entirely positive!

Do a Google search for ‘Why does my husband search random stuff on the internet instead of helping me?’ on his device, and leave it open.

Can’t think that anyone will be able to top the advice HardbackWriter has given, to be honest.

And how is writing about him here any different to him going on google?

@HardbackWriter

It sounds like there may be some broader issues in your relationship but on this specific one: this is what can happen when you see things not meant for you. He perhaps searched rather than just confronting or criticising you precisely because he wanted to be supportive. He's allowed to privately think thoughts that aren't about how wonderful you are - you clearly have thoughts about him that aren't entirely positive!

That does make complete sense. I'm just frustrated because I've been open about wishing he could help more and feel like if he'd just take that on board he wouldn't need to Google. But then again he probably wouldn't understand why I'd post on here. Swings and roundabouts I guess.

I agree, I see the irony so I know I'm sounding very silly.

@Ohmycron

you are being a nosy cow to be honest

What a pointless twatty post. Did it make you feel smug and superior?

I think you do have an issue.
It must hurt but it’s a good thing for you to realise. It’s hard to know how we act without someone telling us.

I would reflect on your behaviour and make an effort to not lose your temper/stay calm.
I would say to DH that you are stressed out and want him to help out with DC more - he will probably be glad you are being open and honest.

He very rarely looks after DS on his own, but is perfectly capable and would be happy to.

But if he rarely does it he doesn't know how the stress of childcare can build up

ALSO I'm betting dc does exactly as daddy says straight away?!

Dc tend to feel more comfortable with the primary carer more secure to push boundaries AND they know which buttons to push! With (rarely solo!) secondary carer they're generally more wary and better behaved!

This is a well known phenomenon surely

Hence "wait till your father gets home!" Stereotype

As a former nanny and childminder I've seen this play out loads

Also how long is "a few hours" golf is rarely a short game and frankly as you're pregnant (and certainly when dc2 comes along!) he needs to be giving his family more time and more support.

*and they have a great time together. What I will say though is that I come home to a tip^

Meaning he's Disney dadding RATHER than providing actual childcare and support! Not acceptable!

He's not sharing the domestic load AT ALL and he needs to - though tbh you should've addressed this before baby 1 let alone baby 2

because he wanted to be supportive.

Bull!

He was looking to blame his pregnant, working, primary carer and chief cook and Bottle washer wife rather than step up and pull his actual bloody weight at home!

I'm afraid op you're going to have to be very blunt and very clear to get through to a man like this that he needs to do a LOT more at home than he's currently doing!

I'd start by saying he needs to not be playing golf EVERY weekend for starters!

He also needs to be up and doing his share of getting ds ready each day and each evening for bed. Needs to do his share of basic household chores like laundry (and I don't mean just throwing a load on though as he is seemingly incapable of even that you've a battle on your hands!)

He's basically lazy! No wonder you're knackered and frazzled!

Is this how he was raised? How you were raised?

He needs to get off his arse and DO more!

You shouldn't have to but unfortunately with this kind of man it tends to be necessary that initially at least you need to point out to him in words of one syllable that he needs to do x y and z EVERY day. Perhaps even sit down and decide on sharing of chores - I had to do that with ex initially after he tried to take piss when we were first married, but he admitted he was taking piss and stepped up.

By the time we had dd he was much better I can't imagine parenting especially in early stages with such a lazy man!

Why is he out playing golf every Saturday when you have a toddler and you’re pregnant? What sort of parent does this?

He sounds like a wanker to be honest and not much of a prize.

My DH does at least half of the parenting and wouldn’t ever consider cleaning and tidying to be wife work. He needs to pull his socks up OP. Stop letting him get away with living the single life!

@Ohmycron

you are being a nosy cow to be honest

You're being a nasty twat to be honest

He was looking to blame his pregnant, working, primary carer and chief cook and Bottle washer wife rather than step up and pull his actual bloody weight at home!

But he didn't blame her. He didn't say anything to her. He had some entirely private thoughts, which he kept to himself and which the OP only knows about because she looked at her phone. You can't and shouldn't police your partner's thoughts.

I agree that it doesn't sound like the division of labour is fair in the relationship and that he should step up. But that's a separate issue.

Oh OP I really feel for you. It sounds as though he’s being a bit of a shit, and that must have been so horrible for you to see on his phone. Everyone loses their temper sometimes (especially with a toddler!) and instead of seeing that as you needing more help from him, he’s seeing it as a flaw in you which is so unfair. I am pregnant at the moment too and my DH is really picking up the slack. He let me lie in this morning, has played with our two DDs all day, taken them out to the shop for a couple of bits, done a big shop online and is making tea. I cleaned the bathrooms and then had no energy the rest of the day! It feels very unbalanced but then again so is me doing all of the child-growing 😂

He was looking to blame his pregnant, working, primary carer and chief cook and Bottle washer wife rather than step up and pull his actual bloody weight at home! no he wasn’t.

He asked a question on google. A question which is possibly not even relevant to their division of looking after the kids.

If the OP shouts and loses her temper then he’s not wrong to question that. Plenty of posters post here that they don’t like the way their partners speak to the kids etc and they are supported.

And if the dh came on here and saw what they’d posted people would say he shouldn’t be looking at her internet etc.

She snooped through his phone. She doesn’t have the right to decide what he’s allowed to think.

And maybe there is something which needs addressing. None of us know. Instead we’ve jumped on the “he does nothing at home,” narrative without wondering whether there is some truth to what he’s seeking help for.

I don't snoop on his phone. I've explained what happened. We both openly use eachother's phones and those tabs happened to be open. I also asked him about it straight out, I didn't snoop or be sneaky.

I'm the first to admit I could keep my calm more when I'm stressing in the morning, but I honestly don't think it's cause for concern over my parenting. Obviously I would say that and it's a subjective thing, but I don't swear or curse. I get frustrated and flustered and he wonders what the fuss is. Which he would, because he just goes off to work without having to get a tantruming two year old out of the house by a set time.

@AlternativePerspective

He was looking to blame his pregnant, working, primary carer and chief cook and Bottle washer wife rather than step up and pull his actual bloody weight at home! no he wasn’t.

He asked a question on google. A question which is possibly not even relevant to their division of looking after the kids.

If the OP shouts and loses her temper then he’s not wrong to question that. Plenty of posters post here that they don’t like the way their partners speak to the kids etc and they are supported.

And if the dh came on here and saw what they’d posted people would say he shouldn’t be looking at her internet etc.

She snooped through his phone. She doesn’t have the right to decide what he’s allowed to think.

And maybe there is something which needs addressing. None of us know. Instead we’ve jumped on the “he does nothing at home,” narrative without wondering whether there is some truth to what he’s seeking help for.

If you were concerned about your partner's parenting, would you leave the morning routine to them so you could have longer in bed, and go off to play golf for four hours at the weekend? Would you have another child with them?

I honestly think he just doesn't understand my frustration because he gets to do the nice bits and leaves the house earlier / comes home just in time for dinner. He misses a lot of the realities of getting a child out of the house or in bed for a certain time.