To be upset about his Google search

[Babylird22]

First off I know it sounds bad that I was on my husband's phone but it wasn't in a stalker way. My phone was upstairs and we're both easygoing with using eachother's phones. I just went on Google to search a cleaning hack and the browser had two tabs open - "Why does my wife lose her patience so quickly with our child" and "Why is my wife so quick to criticise but not to praise". So now I feel like an absolute monster. There could have been more searches but I didn't want to then start trawling his history or go down a hole.

I don't think I lose my temper with my son quickly, and actively try to do gentle parenting but we're going through the terrible twos at the moment and I've been struggling with morning sickness / general pregnancy exhaustion. Lately mornings have been so difficult because I'm WFH but still do the nursery run, so I HAVE to be out the house on time in order to be home to start work at a set time. I purposely get up at half 5 to be ready before DS wakens, get him up, dressed, fed, sort the dog. Brushing my son's teeth and hair is a nightmare at the min so that takes a while, he loves running so runs around and then flops to the floor when I try to get his coat and shoes on and throws a fit getting into the pram. Meanwhile DH gets up 15 mins before DS, makes a packed lunch for DS and goes off on his merry way. Admittedly this frustrates me, I can raise my voice when I'm trying to get out of the house on time but I've never so much as thought of raising a hand to DS and we have a great relationship. Weekends are far more chilled because we're not out of the house on a strict schedule. And yes, I do criticise that DH could help more, could do more around the house (last week he asked what I do all day when I work from home...I work, then walk the dog on my lunch). I do the cooking of an evening, he sorts the kitchen while I bath and put our son to bed.

I suppose I have been a bit of a moody cow for a while - we argued yesterday when he offered to help me tidy up when he got back from seeing a friend, and I snapped that it's his job too, it shouldn't be a case of helping me. I moaned that the house was a mess a few weeks ago, and he said if I didn't go to bed at 8pm every night it wouldn't be. I said the world doesn't stop turning just because I go to bed, and he asked why he should do everything just because I'm not feeling up to it.

Basically I'm just incredibly hurt and feel like I must be a monster to live with. Despite recent arguments I love DH dearly, everything else in our relationship is great and he always tells me I look nice, I'm good at my job, we have lots of future plans but I'm really struggling with my pregnancy at the minute and this has really got to me today. I did confront him about it and he said I've been unbearable at the minute because all I do is moan, so now we've just not spoken all day and I've been guilt ridden and feeling sorry for myself.

Am I just being soft? I know this all sounds so trivial. Maybe it's my hormones.

On the upside, if he asked either of those questions on this board, he would be asked what he was contributing and then have his arse handed to him on a plate. Maybe he's finding other examples of the same, which might be good for you.

@Graphista

He very rarely looks after DS on his own, but is perfectly capable and would be happy to.

But if he rarely does it he doesn't know how the stress of childcare can build up

ALSO I'm betting dc does exactly as daddy says straight away?!

Dc tend to feel more comfortable with the primary carer more secure to push boundaries AND they know which buttons to push! With (rarely solo!) secondary carer they're generally more wary and better behaved!

This is a well known phenomenon surely

Hence "wait till your father gets home!" Stereotype

As a former nanny and childminder I've seen this play out loads

Also how long is "a few hours" golf is rarely a short game and frankly as you're pregnant (and certainly when dc2 comes along!) he needs to be giving his family more time and more support.

*and they have a great time together. What I will say though is that I come home to a tip^

Meaning he's Disney dadding RATHER than providing actual childcare and support! Not acceptable!

He's not sharing the domestic load AT ALL and he needs to - though tbh you should've addressed this before baby 1 let alone baby 2

because he wanted to be supportive.

Bull!

He was looking to blame his pregnant, working, primary carer and chief cook and Bottle washer wife rather than step up and pull his actual bloody weight at home!

I'm afraid op you're going to have to be very blunt and very clear to get through to a man like this that he needs to do a LOT more at home than he's currently doing!

I'd start by saying he needs to not be playing golf EVERY weekend for starters!

He also needs to be up and doing his share of getting ds ready each day and each evening for bed. Needs to do his share of basic household chores like laundry (and I don't mean just throwing a load on though as he is seemingly incapable of even that you've a battle on your hands!)

He's basically lazy! No wonder you're knackered and frazzled!

Is this how he was raised? How you were raised?

He needs to get off his arse and DO more!

You shouldn't have to but unfortunately with this kind of man it tends to be necessary that initially at least you need to point out to him in words of one syllable that he needs to do x y and z EVERY day. Perhaps even sit down and decide on sharing of chores - I had to do that with ex initially after he tried to take piss when we were first married, but he admitted he was taking piss and stepped up.

By the time we had dd he was much better I can't imagine parenting especially in early stages with such a lazy man!

I genuinely think we need to do this. I've mentioned this before and said I think we need to make a list of chores but he said it was ridiculous as we're adults. But honestly we need to do something because I'm frazzled!

Don’t be upset about his google search, he upset about him being lazy and treating you like a maid. Tell him you’re bad tempered because you’re exhausted and you’re exhausted because he’s not doing his share of the work. Then make plans for Saturday which don’t involve either of them and tell him since he’s an adult you don’t expect to come home to a mess.

I honestly think he just doesn't understand my frustration because he gets to do the nice bits and leaves the house earlier / comes home just in time for dinner. He misses a lot of the realities of getting a child out of the house or in bed for a certain time.

You’ve hit the nail on the head.

I do think you loose your temper with your child more than you realise but it’s because you’re struggling.

It would be great if your DH could work it out for himself that by him helping you you’ll be less stressed but he hasn’t and wont.

You can either say nothing and continue to be stressed and him worry about your parenting skills or you can just state the obvious to him and say I need you to do XYZ as I’m struggling.

Why not just start small like after 6pm he takes over and puts him to bed, does the washing up etc whilst you go upstairs and have a bath and watch TV.

I think it's excellent he's investing in your relationship by trying to understand you better.

I can't see how you think its OK for you to post about him on mumsnet but not OK for him to use the Internet to get perspectives?

This is so hurtful but I would be looking to engage with him and talk about this rather than go nuclear. He obviously cares but doesn't understand, dickishly, the herculean dimensions of your role. For this reason I think it's time for you to take some time to prioritize your needs and destress.

Ask him to switch around he gets up early and gets him ready you get up and do the lunch

I think that any results that came up would mention supporting the mum, relieving her stress, helping more etc etc - so I do t think it’s necessarily a bad thing that he realises you need a bit of support yourself.

I often google crazy things and I’m
Sure my google searches would cause a lot of laughter and angst !!

Don’t worry about it and certainly don’t think of yourself in any bad light - you just got to do the best you can but I would be asking your husband for a bit more help!!

I've previously said I see the irony in my posting on here. What hurts is that I've told him over and over that I need more help, I've explained that that's why I'm ratty and that things could be so much smoother in the morning if we worked as a team. And that's been disregarded and he's gone on Google instead. Having just spoken again, he said he thought he was going to see if it was just down to my pregnancy hormones. So my hormones are to blame, not his unwillingness to help more. I think he was just googling for a quick fix to turn things back on me.

I've also asked why he can't get up just 15 mins earlier, or do DS's lunch the night before, and maybe help by doing breakfast/teeth/hair instead in the morning. The response was that he doesn't need to because I'm up early anyway getting ready, plus we manage to leave on time so things are fine.

I've not made dinner tonight apart from for DS. So it looks like we're not eating.

Head. Against. Brick. Wall.

He’s being a total shit!!!

Tell him to google a takeaway for the two of you and next time you see your midwife or get any check come home and tell him you have to have complete rest for a week and watch him struggle !!!

The response was that he doesn't need to because I'm up early anyway getting ready,

Time you stopped getting up so early then. Get up when ds gets up and nudge dh awake to get up too. Tell him he needs to get ds ready while you get ready and then you will take over when you're done.

He really doesn't sound very nice. He doesn't take on a fair share, he ignores the fact you have asked for more help (loads of times from the sound of it) and is happy to add to your burdens.
He is choosing not to hear your cries for help while you are pregnant for goodness sake!

I would reopen phone and open up a couple of Google tabs along lines of “why is my husband so lazy” and “why does my husband not understand the emotional workload”.

At the end of the week I would present him with a list of everything house/child related that you have done, and everything he has done, along with a 'we are making a list of chores, clearly us being adults just results with me doing the vast majority and you not sharing the load. This is not going to continue as it is' (hard stare)

Wow, that is very upsetting. He has you run ragged whilst he swans off to play golf, doesn’t contribute to the household anywhere near to what he should, and then goes and Googles that shit? Does he not have half a brain to think what it could be?
You will have to sit him down and talk to him. Get him very involved with your toddler and leave him to care for your toddler on his own for a day here and there. You need to do this before baby arrives. You’ll have two then and he really will have to pull his weight!

I’m pregnant and have a child a similar age. I need to be out of the house by 7.30am at the very latest every morning to do the nursery drop off. I get up at 6 and get myself ready, then my dh gets up at around 6.30 and helps/gets dd ready- he often makes my lunch too! I literally don’t know how you’re doing it by yourself.

Your dh needs to pull his weight. My dh also takes dd for a few hours every Saturday morning so I can get some rest/time completely to myself and since I’ve been pregnant (whenever he can) he takes dd as soon as she wakes and gives me a lie in.

Writing this down is making me realise I need to appreciate him a bit more 😆 but ACTUALLY I think women just need to expect better and he is simply doing his share!

everything else in our relationship is great

But everything you've written really doesn't reflect that. A man who is prepared to leg his exhausted, pregnant wife do the majority of the housework and childcare, as well as working, is not a great husband.

As a start, could you agree that you should share the mornings? So one week, all you have to do is get yourself ready and make DS's lunch whilst he toddler wrangles, has him ready for a set time and you swap the week after?

Just read the rest of your posts and he clearly has no idea how much you are having to do/how stressful it is getting a toddler ready in the morning and out the door on time. How about he take over the nursery drop offs for a week?! Or you split them 50/50? Why does it have to be you doing all of them?

Despite my dh doing so much I’m still off with my dd more due to working part time and he still gets a shock when he has to spend a full day alone with her. He had a battle with her having an epic tantrum yesterday for the first time in forever and I had to fight the urge not to say ‘yes, it’s hard isn’t it? I deal with this every other day!’ I think it’s so easy for people to forget how bloody difficult it is when they’re not doing the majority of the care!

If you ever get around to making a list OP of the things you do for your family you might find this thread useful. Just a list of all the things you have on your head on top of the housework.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feminism/4274326-Can-you-help-me-compile-a-list-of-tasks-that-are-emotional-labour-life-admin?pg=1

I do the nursery run just because DH starts work before nursery opens, so he physically can't take him. But he literally wakes up half an hour before he leaves for work and my argument is if he just woke 15 mins earlier he could help me with other things.

He does point out that I could save time by driving to nursery in the morning, but with traffic it would only save me about 15 mins and I enjoy the walk, singing and chatting with my little boy. I really don't enjoy working from home either and I feel the walk helps my mental health, even just seeing familiar people when we're walking in the morning.

Were those the phrases he searched, or the results he got?

@Forrandomposts

Were those the phrases he searched, or the results he got?

The phrases he searched. I didn't even look at the results. I saw some under the search were sort of highlighted, you know when you can tell which have been clicked on? But I couldn't tell you what they were or how many he'd looked at, I just put the phone down because I didn't want to see anything else.

@HardbackWriter just because he didn't verbalise that blame doesn't mean it isn't there or isn't expressed to op!

He's expressing it in his actions if nothing else! and actually ops further posts show he DOES blame and criticise her.

@AlternativePerspective we only ever have the ops side of things to go on - but quite honestly we also have the fact that an awful lot of men unfortunately don't pull their weight with home tasks and childcare. This is hardly unusual

because he gets to do the nice bits

Yep! Disney dad!

comes home just in time for dinner

What time is this generally? Is he dodging bed times altogether at least in the week?!

On the upside, if he asked either of those questions on this board, he would be asked what he was contributing and then have his arse handed to him on a plate.

Yep!

He's fobbing you off when you raise the issue of organising a more fair division of labour because right now he has it cushy! Time to make it less so! Certainly before baby 2 comes along or you'll be more than frazzled you'll be broken

Why not just start small like after 6pm he takes over and puts him to bed,

Sounds like he's not even home at that point!

Is he actually working op or is he skiving elsewhere?

I think that any results that came up would mention supporting the mum, relieving her stress, helping more etc etc - so I do t think it’s necessarily a bad thing that he realises you need a bit of support yourself.

Not necessarily male dominated forums can be shockers on such subjects

I think he was just googling for a quick fix to turn things back on me.

I agree

The response was that he doesn't need to because I'm up early anyway getting ready, plus we manage to leave on time so things are fine.

Aka "the status quo suits me just fine, I don't actually care how it's affecting you and dc so I have no interest in changing it whatsoever"

A man who is prepared to leg his exhausted, pregnant wife do the majority of the housework and childcare, as well as working, is not a great husband.

And is a pretty shit dad too

Mum tells me early on my dad was a LITTLE this way inclined. Then when she was in hospital having my brother (complicated circumstances she ended up in hospital over 2 weeks) he was having to look after me then aged 2. When mum came home I'm told he was much more appreciative of all she did and made more effort himself from that point forward.

Just because you're the one doing the nursery run doesn't mean it's all on you to get dc ready - he's a parent too.