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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands birthday

26 replies

ilovewaxmelts · 16/01/2022 15:53

Name changed as possibly outing.
My husband made no effort for my birthday last year. I picked my present, sent him the link for it and he ordered it. Paid for through our joint account. He booked us in to a buffet place that he wanted to go to for the afternoon. As it turned out, I was too poorly to go anywhere, but he could obviously see the disappointment on my face when he told me where he'd booked and said we could go elsewhere. He also got a card done with the most random picture of me that was slightly blurry and a terrible one at that. He got me no cake as he said he didn't have time, got me nothing else as he said he didn't know what to get, nor had the time.
Aibu to hardly bother to do anything for his?? It's his birthday soon!!

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 16/01/2022 15:54

I'd do exactly the same

Santahasjoinedww · 16/01/2022 15:54

Surely you regift him an awful Xmas gift?

Original poster
ilovewaxmelts · 16/01/2022 15:57

Well Christmas was a whole other ball game. He got me another terrible card. I pulled him up on it and said you've just changed my name in that card. The wording inside was something you'd send to a neighbour! Got from an online card shop.
I asked for pjs and knickers. He got both from Amazon. The pjs shrank after the first wash and were ripped after I'd worn them.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/01/2022 15:57

Does he actually want you to do anything for his?

frazzledasarock · 16/01/2022 15:57

Well if that’s what he wants I would do the same for him 🤷🏻‍♀️

But, your marriage sounds so sad, why does he not want to do things that make you happy, he could have added a bunch of flowers and booked a lovely restaurant that you would enjoy.

Are you both happy together?

I love thinking up gifts for my husband and making a fuss for his birthday, and it’s the same for him, when we don’t have enough money we get creative and work out lovely surprises for eachother. Surely that’s what you do for one another when you love someone?

Original poster
ilovewaxmelts · 16/01/2022 16:00

We used to make a massive effort, and go away for the night for our birthdays but we've had covid and then another baby so it hasn't been possible.
Also moneys a bit tight. I just feel a bit mean not bothering. I said last week pick something for yourself and you can have that. He said that's miserable, yet that's exactly what I did for mine!
Otherwise a happy marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovewaxmelts · 16/01/2022 16:00

@WorraLiberty he always says he doesn't want a fuss etc.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 16/01/2022 16:02

Well I that case tell him he needs to pick something as you’re reciprocating his effort.

I’m feel quite upset about the PJ’s Christmas gift. What a effort would it have taken to order M&S pjs?

Bluebluemoon39 · 16/01/2022 16:02

I know how you feel OP.

DH always buys me a nice gift but it's usually always something I've asked for - even going as far as sending him a photo of the actual item.

In the past for him I have arranged weekends away (so arranging childcare etc too) champagne and cakes sent to our room, dinners in posh restaurants.

Last year on his 50th he was pissed off bc I was really ill and didn't want to go out to the posh restaurant I'd booked - so I ended up dragging myself there feeling horrible. He also sulked because I hadn't bought a cake for the restaurant (because I'd been ill in bed) and made a big show of buying himself one the next day and saying "I've bought my own cake seeing as I didn't get one". I did point out that at the age of 41 - he has never, nor has anyone ever bought me a birthday cake.

I'm determined to put as little effort into his birthday as he does for mine this year.

frazzledasarock · 16/01/2022 16:04

Also in my experience the first year or so after having a new baby there’s a bit of a disconnect in the married relationship as you’re both concentrating time, effort, energy and money on baby.

Hopefully things will get back on track.

I do feel he needs a taste of his own medicine though. Make him pick his own gift and give him a blurry card too and book into a restaurant you want to eat at.

Original poster
ilovewaxmelts · 16/01/2022 16:07

@Bluebluemoon39 sorry it sucks for you too.
He won't sulk but it will just be awkward. I've literally got him two gifts. His mom has just dropped round the exact same gift to him. So he's got something that's not the same. No one else bothers with his birthday either, so I guess I feel bad for him whereas I have lots of family and friends who make the effort for mine.
He also had plenty of time to go out and get me a cake and other presents.
He said he ordered off Amazon so he didn't pay delivery. The pjs were £20. He could have got me some from asda with delivery for less than that. Just sad at his lack of effort I guess.
Thinking about it, he didn't go out once to get anything for Christmas for anyone. He just ordered everything off Amazon!

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovewaxmelts · 16/01/2022 16:08

@frazzledasarock I agree with you, but we've just had our second. He wasn't like this with our first. Maybe he just can't be arsed?

OP posts:
WinnersDinner · 16/01/2022 16:11

Christ, this is a sad, sorry excuse for a relationship where it's so tit for tat.

frazzledasarock · 16/01/2022 16:12

When I first got together with DH I remember going out of my way and giving him thoughtful gifts that he loved and making a fuss over his birthday.

On my birthday he went out to the Christmas sales… the morning of my birthday and got me a Christmas scented candle etc.
What totally upset me was he then refused to do same for his stepsister insisting she’d be upset and bought her a lovely thoughtful gift (we have the same birthday).

After the birthday, I told him calmly to not bother getting me gifts as it hurt my feelings that he got me tat he had bought on the morning of my birthday. So I’d rather he didn’t do anything if it put him out so much.

Then on his birthday we made a fuss and he was shocked (& I think a bit sheepish) when we had a crazy fun celebration. My DC wanted to mark DH’s birthday I wanted to also so we did. After that he’s always put in equal effort.
I did tell him when he was surprised, that I meant I didn’t want thoughtless tat that I wouldn’t use that he was buying me begrudgingly. I’d rather have a thoughtful bunch of flowers over that.

It’s fun, in the run up to birthdays and celebrations, there’s lots of whispering and arrangements going on. And sometimes celebrations spill over as we book shows or dinner on different days.

frazzledasarock · 16/01/2022 16:16

@WinnersDinner

Christ, this is a sad, sorry excuse for a relationship where it's so tit for tat.
As a one off so he knows how it feels. It’s a lesson.

But I wouldn’t keep doing it.

I do think you need to sit down after his birthday and talk it through. But he needs to know exactly how it feels. And you both need to agree on expectations.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 16/01/2022 16:16

I think you should have a conversation where you lay all this out, say you’ve been disappointed with his recent efforts and don’t feel like you should continue to make an effort when it’s not reciprocated. Be clear.

Then see how he responds.

Original poster
ilovewaxmelts · 16/01/2022 16:24

Totally agree with you all about it not continuing etc and it is tit for tat. That's why I wanted opinions about whether I make the same effort or just not bother.
I do need to talk to him about it, I just don't want to come across as ungrateful.
Bizarrely for Valentine's Day he got me these lovely little vouchers for at home, so things like a massage, a romantic dinner etc. then last year was awful. At Christmas he could see I was disappointed again and he said he felt really bad about it.

OP posts:
phishy · 16/01/2022 16:28

@ilovewaxmelts

We used to make a massive effort, and go away for the night for our birthdays but we've had covid and then another baby so it hasn't been possible. Also moneys a bit tight. I just feel a bit mean not bothering. I said last week pick something for yourself and you can have that. He said that's miserable, yet that's exactly what I did for mine! Otherwise a happy marriage.
He said that's miserable, yet that's exactly what I did for mine!

We’ll, he’s a hypocrite. Stand your ground. OP.

He needs to learn you reap what you sow.

Original poster
ilovewaxmelts · 16/01/2022 16:34

@phishy thanks. I think I will this time

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 16/01/2022 16:37

I would return the lack of effort and then have a discussion with him about it. If you don't discuss it, it will get into tit for tat which isn't healthy.

Original poster
ilovewaxmelts · 16/01/2022 16:37

@harriethoyle I completely agree.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 16/01/2022 16:44

I also think he's been a cock @ilovewaxmelts in case that wasn't clear! Grin

Mary46 · 16/01/2022 16:54

Not nice op. I would do minimal for his. Got card from my mum that was it. Its tomorrow!! Im not doing fuss of people going forward

Devon1987 · 16/01/2022 17:59

Do f all for his. He need to understand how it feels to have no effort made. I’d be furious if my dp behaved like that. It’s being ungrateful, it’s the complete lack of effort. Your OH obviously does not give a shit. He sounds lazy and selfish.

TameDucksAtChatsworth · 16/01/2022 18:30

I wouldn't do tit for tat. As someone said, what a miserable way to live.

If you ignore his birthday then next year, he'll ignore yours and so on.

If you want to celebrate his birthday then go ahead but don't link it to who got what.

if you don't think he is worth marking his birthday, then don't.

If it is the latter though and neither of you thinks the other is worth celebrating then resign yourself to a miserable watchful marriage or give each other the gift of a divorce.