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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another bloody school play one, sorry.

75 replies

Eyesonstalks · 15/01/2022 17:33

DD's is Y3. There's been one big school play and one "class assembly" play every year she's been in school, so 8 plays altogether.

DD (generally a good kid, speaks loudly and clearly, really, really loves drama, does lots of it outside school for several nights a week and generally told by her external drama teachers that she is pretty good at it) has never once been given a part. I don't mean that she hasn't been Mary in the Nativity - I mean that despite auditioning, she's literally never been picked as anything, ever. Not so much as a donkey, or a sheep - absolutely zilch.

The same few kids do keep getting picked, inevitably (including the teacher's child, who also goes to drama club with DD). When DD was younger, she would still try really hard despite the disappointment, and would sit at the back of the stage, singing her heart out. Yesterday was this year's play and it almost broke my heart to see her so sad. She was on the verge of tears through the whole thing - it felt a bit like the light had gone out in her.

Would you say something to the school? We have historically talked about the fact that everyone gets a turn and it will surely be her turn another time, but she's not stupid - she can see that the other kids are getting chosen every time.

If I'm being totally honest, I am furious with them for being so cavalier with my little girl's feelings and crushing all her enthusiasm so casually, but it is also true that she is having a very rough time of things in school at the moment with some difficult friendships and we have been very worried, so perhaps that's colouring my view. It is also true that I have been awake almost every night this week worrying about her, so perhaps I am being irrational and need to be talked down...? It has felt for a while like DD is "the invisible child" for a range of reasons unconnected to the school play and I am just so sad that she is so sad and nobody at school seems to care.

OP posts:

JayAlfredPrufrock · 15/01/2022 21:03

Hell yes to sports teams being on turn rather than merit at that age.

ConfusedBear · 15/01/2022 21:06

Even at older ages for a sports team if it was always the same person sitting on the sidelines as a sub then I'd suggest speaking to the coach especially if they played in a better team outside of school.

LynetteScavo · 15/01/2022 21:07

Every child should be included- and they shouldn't have to audition. Is this an independent school?

All children should have a part- they might not be the star of the show, but they should be included. It shouldn't be about how much talent they have- it should about how willing they are. The ones who really don't want to say anything can be the "sound engineer"/"light technician".

The only reason I can think of for this is that she is totally overpowering the other DC. But she should still have a roll. What was she supposed to be doing? Just watching?

Grida · 15/01/2022 21:14

I think some drama teachers fancy themselves as the next Steven Spielberg and take the casting very seriously, others are more into letting everyone have a go.

TheKeatingFive · 15/01/2022 21:16

A sports team of 6 and 7 year olds, yes I would. Matches should be teaching games at that age.

Fair enough.

I'd be interested to know when you think that should change? For both disciplines?

Maddiemoosmum0203 · 15/01/2022 21:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HelloDulling · 15/01/2022 21:50

I'd be interested to know when you think that should change? For both disciplines?

You can’t really compare. Sports fixtures happen several times a term, and there are often an A, B, and even C team, so everyone who wants to gets a chance to represent their school. Drama productions are once or twice a year, so far fewer opportunities to have a go next time.

However, since you have asked.

Most team sports don’t seem to be taught at all until Year 3, so to me it’s fair that in Year 3 and 4, they are all having a go, chosen in turn, matches as teaching experiences. By Year 5, the A team, B team applies. Some people might not be on the team sheet every week, and star players will be, but over the course of a ten week term, everyone has played a few games which seems fair.

In drama, they need to be able to try things out and find their talent (which in sports would happen in the weekly PE lessons, but few primaries have timetabled drama). I do think they should audition (as otherwise a talented but under-confident kid could be missed), but in Year 5 and 6, children who have learned the lines, shown up for the audition, and been brave enough to have a go, should be given the chance to perform. Not in the main part, but in a part. Two lines as a waiter, five lines as an inn-keeper. If you are not sporty, it might be your only chance to shine in front of your peers/parents.

TheKeatingFive · 15/01/2022 22:38

You can’t really compare. Sports fixtures happen several times a term, and there are often an A, B, and even C team, so everyone who wants to gets a chance to represent their school

That's not how it worked in my schooldays. There was a league team and that was it. The best were chosen and if that wasn't you, tough shit. Absolutely no 'taking turns' about it.

Not in the main part, but in a part. Two lines as a waiter, five lines as an inn-keeper.

Well I expect that does happen, depending on the play chosen.

Larryyourwaiter · 15/01/2022 22:53

Apart from nativity in primary the same 3 children in DDs year were picked for shows. It does start to wear you down and I know DD and her friends started to feel like there was no point even trying because they wouldn’t be picked.
DD was always in the choir and that’s it. In year 6 the Christmas show is at night and I actually didn’t send DD as she was in another show for an outside group. Her teacher actually had a go at her about it (and I left a message that he should ring me to discuss but he didnt).
It becomes incredibly boring as a parent to see the same children (not even just not seeing mine).

MeredithGreyishblue · 15/01/2022 22:56

@TheKeatingFive

She’s in Year 3. 8 plays in 4 years; she doesn’t need to be good, she just needs to get a turn.

Would you say that about a sports team? In my experience they're very dependent on merit rather than 'turns'. I never understand why people think drama should be any different.

You don't compete against another nativity. It's not glee club

MissTrip82 · 15/01/2022 23:04

@TheKeatingFive

You can’t really compare. Sports fixtures happen several times a term, and there are often an A, B, and even C team, so everyone who wants to gets a chance to represent their school

That's not how it worked in my schooldays. There was a league team and that was it. The best were chosen and if that wasn't you, tough shit. Absolutely no 'taking turns' about it.

Not in the main part, but in a part. Two lines as a waiter, five lines as an inn-keeper.

Well I expect that does happen, depending on the play chosen.

When you were six or seven? Really?

I’m 43 and that certainly wasn’t how it was more than 35 years ago at my school. Everyone who wanted to play was on the team and got a turn, even in late primary. High school was different.

‘Tough shit’ for a six year old? I don’t think so.

LittleOwl153 · 15/01/2022 23:09

I think this is nasty on the schools behalf.
I too have a dd who just wanted to join in. She didn't care how. By y4 she had given up trying. We tried to change schools but it would have meant a 30min plus drive, then covid so we gave up. In yr8 she's been diagnosed dyslexic and is finally beginning to find her feet. But the self confidence hit that her primary school left her with has caused no end of damage. Schools should absolutely not be allowed to get away with this favouritism.

nopenotplaying · 15/01/2022 23:09

I always find the drama class kids a bit cringe and ott. I'm surprised she's not had a part at all? Surely they all get one? Is she made to sit out. Or do you class not having a part as not a main role?

TheKeatingFive · 15/01/2022 23:13

You don't compete against another nativity. It's not glee club

I don't understand why that means they can't strive for the play to be as good as it can be.

When you were six or seven? Really?

Read the exchange and you'll see the conversation went beyond that age group.

SquidMonkey · 15/01/2022 23:35

@ThreeLittleDots

Our DD's primary school's unspoken policy on Star of the Week was that it wouldn't be offered to those who were already successful and achieving. I wonder if something similar could be going on here?

Definitely worth an enquiring email anyway at least, it could be a simple oversight.

That's horrendous. So kids who are working hard and doing well should be excluded from being recognised and praised for that? What a messed up idea!

Workin8til6 · 15/01/2022 23:42

This used to happen to me at school. The teachers knew that my parents could afford send me to dance classes and weekend theatre school so they decided I “didn’t need the confidence boost” that other kids might need. It really upset me though because I felt like I was being left out of it all. Definitely say something.

DropYourSword · 15/01/2022 23:45

She’s in Year 3. 8 plays in 4 years; she doesn’t need to be good, she just needs to get a turn.

Would you say that about a sports team? In my experience they're very dependent on merit rather than 'turns'. I never understand why people think drama should be any different.

Of course you should also say this about a sports team. It’s a primary school, not the olympics! How are kids supposed to improve if they don’t get a chance to participate?
It’s much more important to nurture interests and let them be involved.

LaChanticleer · 15/01/2022 23:54

I wonder if it’s because the school knows she does extra-curricular drama and so thinks that she gets enough performance opportunities outside the school?

Or that it’s very petty -minded people trying to “take her down a peg” because they judge her to be trying too hard?

It’s unfair and shouldn’t happen, but primary schools are often quite nasty places in this respect.

Potatopotate · 15/01/2022 23:55

@Bravenheart

Maybe she’s not as good as you think she is?

I would have thought that if a child has a clear interest in performing the school would encourage her by giving her a part. Or have more small parts in the play so more children get to do something.

Ljmumun · 16/01/2022 00:26

Talk to the teacher now and.ask why. Bet they won't be able.to give you an answer. My child was the invisible.one at primary. Quite well behaved hard working took till year 6 for her to get a part (the lead) when the teacher realised she could do it. The normal lead was not happy....

SnowDropMania · 16/01/2022 09:10

@SummerHouse

I would probably wait till the next parent teacher meeting and say that you know there is lots of kids to consider but this is her particular interest and it's knocked her confidence. Is there anything she can do to help her chances. Then slide a folded £20 note across the table and wink.

SnowDropMania · 16/01/2022 09:17

My children's primary school wasn't like this with plays, but dd was bullied by a girl whose mum volunteered a lot and was pally with staff and I felt they didn't deal with the bullying that well because of who her mum was. The good news is she's now in her last year of sixth form in a big comp and there's never been any sign of this sort of thing. It doesn't matter who your parents are. So hopefully your dd will shine at secondary

SnowDropMania · 16/01/2022 09:19

But yes I think you should ask about it and mention it before the next plays

Monsterpage · 16/01/2022 09:30

@Lillylikely

We had the same thing....every year the same few kids had the lead parts whilst everyone stood at the back. When she was eight she was desperate to have a speaking part. In fact she got very upset when they didn't give her any part at all, not even stand around in a costume. In fact the teacher told me how she had cried, she said they'd sort something that she'd probably be an angel. Weeks went by she came home upset each time saying she just sat on the side during rehearsal. I spoke to the teacher and asked if anyone drops out or is sick on the day if she could have a go at a part that would be great, they said of course not to worry they'd definitely give her something to do. On the day she was stood to the side with three other kids in their school uniform and what i hadn't realised was some kids had three parts and costume changes. When we asked them why they hadn't given her anything to do, they honestly couldn't give an explanation! They said they were sorry and hadn't realised it would upset her. The funny thing is the feedback we always got from them was what wonderful well behaved, hard working child she was, so it wasn't like they thought she'd be difficult! After that we removed her from the school (not just because of that but helped firm things in our mind), in retrospect they had never really seen her and this was just a symptom of that! Within six weeks of being at her new school they had picked up she was dyslexic, they did loads to boost her confidence. She sang a duet at the leaving concert. Sometimes nice, undemanding kids who do well enough slip under the radar in all sorts of ways!

This really resonates with me. My son is the kid who the teachers and sports coaches etc know won’t kick up a fuss or be disruptive if not picked. They also do things like saying “you’re not in it this time, you don’t mind do you?” And he will politely say “no that’s fine” because it’s an adult saying this and he doesn’t want to get into trouble for disagreeing. However he comes home to us and shares his disappointments. We’re trying to teach him ways to respond with them explaining what he wants and not being fearful about getting into trouble. It’s made worse that in school and outside activities there are some very strong characters who if they don’t get their own way disrupt activities for everyone and no-one seems to be coming down effectively on their behaviour.

gogohm · 16/01/2022 09:46

All depends what they are casting I suppose. Are they picking the older kids? My DD's junior school tended to not pick year 3, but she was in it (well lead part, she was singing outside of school as a chorister too) from year 4

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