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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another bloody school play one, sorry.

75 replies

Eyesonstalks · 15/01/2022 17:33

DD's is Y3. There's been one big school play and one "class assembly" play every year she's been in school, so 8 plays altogether.

DD (generally a good kid, speaks loudly and clearly, really, really loves drama, does lots of it outside school for several nights a week and generally told by her external drama teachers that she is pretty good at it) has never once been given a part. I don't mean that she hasn't been Mary in the Nativity - I mean that despite auditioning, she's literally never been picked as anything, ever. Not so much as a donkey, or a sheep - absolutely zilch.

The same few kids do keep getting picked, inevitably (including the teacher's child, who also goes to drama club with DD). When DD was younger, she would still try really hard despite the disappointment, and would sit at the back of the stage, singing her heart out. Yesterday was this year's play and it almost broke my heart to see her so sad. She was on the verge of tears through the whole thing - it felt a bit like the light had gone out in her.

Would you say something to the school? We have historically talked about the fact that everyone gets a turn and it will surely be her turn another time, but she's not stupid - she can see that the other kids are getting chosen every time.

If I'm being totally honest, I am furious with them for being so cavalier with my little girl's feelings and crushing all her enthusiasm so casually, but it is also true that she is having a very rough time of things in school at the moment with some difficult friendships and we have been very worried, so perhaps that's colouring my view. It is also true that I have been awake almost every night this week worrying about her, so perhaps I am being irrational and need to be talked down...? It has felt for a while like DD is "the invisible child" for a range of reasons unconnected to the school play and I am just so sad that she is so sad and nobody at school seems to care.

OP posts:

Croleeen · 15/01/2022 18:53

YANBU. I would approach the teacher but pose it as a request for guidance. In other words, what can my daughter improve on in order to be given a part next time? She is very keen and willing to work on whatever skills she needs to improve on. Is it that her voice is not loud enough, for example?
Someone once told me their kid always got a part, as she told him to shout in the auditions. Usually teachers in early years drama choose firstly their favourites, and then the ones who will be heard. It's not usually just about acting or singing skills.
Then search up some online articles about famous people who were discouraged my teachers at school then went on to excel, and show them to your daughter... I've read several.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/01/2022 18:55

That's really strange - all the schools I know for primary just do everyone gets one line, those who want more audition for them, but it's not massively more. So it ranges from one line to about 5. None of them would notice who the 'lead' was because there never is one.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 15/01/2022 18:55

It’s fraught in the schools near us. There’s a family at DC’s school who are picked for everything (three children) there was a formal letter of complaint sent to the governors before summer because the eldest daughter was picked for EVERY major junior role throughout the spring/summer term. It’s not fair. At that age it should be on equal opportunity.

MeredithGreyishblue · 15/01/2022 19:18

@Bravenheart

Maybe she’s not as good as you think she is?

It's primary school. She doesn't need to be good.

They usually all get a chance, if they want one.

RandomDent · 15/01/2022 19:22

I hate this. Our school policy is anyone who wants a part gets one. I’d they want a speaking role they get one. If they want a silent role they get one. We have invented roles, split lines, whatever it takes. I have no words for schools who do not do this.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 15/01/2022 19:31

Not unreasonable. Little you can do about it.
The same 3 girls got picked at my daughters school, throughout the whole time there.
Every. Single. Time.
It became a joke in the end between all the other parents. The kids by year 6 knew the score.

Thinkbiglittleone · 15/01/2022 19:32

@Bravenheart

Maybe she’s not as good as you think she is?

It's not Broadway, it's primary school and all children should get a shot at being in their school play, it's just cruel not to.

Lillylikely · 15/01/2022 19:37

We had the same thing....every year the same few kids had the lead parts whilst everyone stood at the back. When she was eight she was desperate to have a speaking part. In fact she got very upset when they didn't give her any part at all, not even stand around in a costume. In fact the teacher told me how she had cried, she said they'd sort something that she'd probably be an angel. Weeks went by she came home upset each time saying she just sat on the side during rehearsal. I spoke to the teacher and asked if anyone drops out or is sick on the day if she could have a go at a part that would be great, they said of course not to worry they'd definitely give her something to do. On the day she was stood to the side with three other kids in their school uniform and what i hadn't realised was some kids had three parts and costume changes. When we asked them why they hadn't given her anything to do, they honestly couldn't give an explanation! They said they were sorry and hadn't realised it would upset her. The funny thing is the feedback we always got from them was what wonderful well behaved, hard working child she was, so it wasn't like they thought she'd be difficult! After that we removed her from the school (not just because of that but helped firm things in our mind), in retrospect they had never really seen her and this was just a symptom of that! Within six weeks of being at her new school they had picked up she was dyslexic, they did loads to boost her confidence. She sang a duet at the leaving concert. Sometimes nice, undemanding kids who do well enough slip under the radar in all sorts of ways!

UpDownRound · 15/01/2022 19:42

I teach Y3. Mention it to the teacher and point out the fact she'd really like a line or 2. I'd just write in some extra lines for a child if a parent did this. Although like pps have said I've always done plays where everyone who wants a part gets at least one line.

Yuckypretty · 15/01/2022 19:43

@Bravenheart that's not the point though is it.

Change123today · 15/01/2022 19:50

I’ve been there - it’s hard as my daughter also attended musical theatre and as much as she auditioned she was never picked (the tears we had in year 6) it did feel like the PTA children always had good parts and the same ones picked from the class.
I never said anything wasn’t any point. Built up her resilience that she won’t always get a part she wants. We’ve (before covid) have seen her perform on stage as part of her musical theatre.

Now in year 7 recently auctioned again through the school drama club - just hope this time she at least gets a speaking part but whatever she gets we will be proud!

PaperMonster · 15/01/2022 19:51

My daughter’s Y6 and is invisible because she’s quiet and doesn’t yet feel comfortable to go and speak with her teacher. She desperately wanted to have a role in Christmas which involved reading out loud. I didn’t speak with the teacher but dropped a hint during conversation. It happened. She was far better than I expected her to be! So, I’d casually drop it in conversation rather than make it an issue.

MargaretThursday · 15/01/2022 19:56

@arethereanyleftatall

Not strange if you have 150 children in the year. They did try the everyone gets one line one Christmas play. At least all the parents agreed with the feedback-it was dead boring and they all hated it.

WonderfulYou · 15/01/2022 19:57

YANBU I feel sorry for all of the kids that aren’t getting a go. I’m really shocked this is happening.

In my DDs primary school the same few be the main parts as they were very confident and could remember lines but the others including my DD were always given parts like the sheep etc.

I’d hate to be ‘that’ parent but I probably would in this situation and just say could she be something in the background like a sheep next time as she’s really excited to have a go and hasn’t had chance yet.

LittleMG · 15/01/2022 20:05

Don’t care if she’s good at drama and singing or not she should be included if she wants to be (ex music teacher here) get in there OP and put a rocket up them for this, a child shouldn’t be put down like this whatever the reason. There should be rolls for everyone or if it’s that big a school more plays. Whatever excuse they give it wouldn’t be good enough for me.

LittleMG · 15/01/2022 20:07

Remind them they’re not the bloody west end!!!!

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 15/01/2022 20:17

In terms of how to handle your daughter, I saw this suggested on another similar thread and I thought it was good advice: tell her that drama is her out of school activity and it’s good to do a broad range of things so she’ll focus on something else in school. (Obviously this depends on chess club or whatever being available for her to focus on!).

It doesn’t make it any less shit and yes you should challenge the school but it’s a way of handling her which avoids emphasising the rejection.

jellybeanteaparty · 15/01/2022 20:25

Oh that is hard - say something or find options out if school. Our experience was that the favoured few got parts (children of people who worked in the school) plus some really shy children (to help them - which is a good thing) My DD got to lead the dancers most often but she really wanted a part. It did mean she did things out of School instead and built the good resilience needed if you go into this area. I finally got my moment when the head teacher started gushing about her being in the West End and I said No thanks to encouragement at school ...you do know the first lines she ever said in a play were with the royal Shakespeare company!

cheeseismydownfall · 15/01/2022 20:26

There is absolutely no excuse for a primary school production to not include decent parts for every child that wants one.

DD's Y6 play last year (staged outside due to covid) was amazing. Absolutely all the children had meaningful role/s matched to them as individuals and they all absolutely shone. It was just such a fantastic team effort by all of them and the pride just radiated out of each and every one of them.

Your DD's experience is shocking and would make me really question the ethos of the school to be honest.

DesdemonaDryEyes · 15/01/2022 20:32

And further to my previous post I was PTA as well!

Ciaram55 · 15/01/2022 20:39

I've often thought that the kids that get picked a lot are the ones whose parents seem to be well in with the teacher, often monopolising them at the doors etc. I used to get annoyed sometimes at home time because certain parents would stand in the doorway chatting to the teacher, distracting/ blocking off kids trying to get out. Always the same ones too.

HelloDulling · 15/01/2022 20:45

@Bravenheart

Maybe she’s not as good as you think she is?

She’s in Year 3. 8 plays in 4 years; she doesn’t need to be good, she just needs to get a turn.

HelloDulling · 15/01/2022 20:49

@Mamette

You seem to live in a Covid free universe but that aside, yes I would speak to the school.

Just about every theatre in London has a performance running right now, tickets on sale with no social distancing required. Why shouldn’t kids put on a play and have their parents come and watch?

TheKeatingFive · 15/01/2022 20:55

She’s in Year 3. 8 plays in 4 years; she doesn’t need to be good, she just needs to get a turn.

Would you say that about a sports team? In my experience they're very dependent on merit rather than 'turns'. I never understand why people think drama should be any different.

HelloDulling · 15/01/2022 20:58

@TheKeatingFive

She’s in Year 3. 8 plays in 4 years; she doesn’t need to be good, she just needs to get a turn.

Would you say that about a sports team? In my experience they're very dependent on merit rather than 'turns'. I never understand why people think drama should be any different.

A sports team of 6 and 7 year olds, yes I would. Matches should be teaching games at that age.

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