I feel that my friend is overstepping my boundaries.

[helbel34]

Hi I've had a friend for the past 10 years, we met when our girls where at baby group.

I've been off work since my youngest daughter was born 2 years ago. My friend was a carer for her partner due to his health issues.

My friend pops up to my house almost every day can sometimes be twice a day, almost always unannounced eg no invertation or prior phone call. This can be quite akward as your not always guest ready, or in the middle of doing something or going out.

My youngest daughter doesn't sleep well, we often up most of the night, my oldest daughter has been diagnosed as autistic and can be quite a handful expecialy in the mornings getting her out to school. I often go back to bed for a couple of hours with my youngest when my oldest gets picked up.

My friend pops in she'll make comments to me like, are you not dressed, your lazy still sleeping at this time ect. She is aware of the struggles I have with sleep ect. This has been going on for a while.

My problem is that I feel really quite intruded on at times, it's not like I've made arrangements for her to visit.

Late last year her partner passed away and feel that I don't know how to approach this with her. I know that I'm going to have to as I feel like I'm going to blow and I don't want that.

Next time she arrives unannounced, keep her at the door, tell her it is not convenient and you will text her layer to arrange a meetup. Then close the door.
Whatever her difficulties in life she has to respect your right to your life and your privacy.

I assume she is lonely and struggling with her partner dying and no longer having a purpose.
Rather than telling her not so come round you need to get to the root of why she is doing it and go from there. Softly softly and get her to access proper support and more suitable ways to spend her time.

Keep the door locked and don't answer it.

It’s very sad that her partner passed away but a piss taker is a piss taker. I’ve suffered deep grief and I can honestly say it didn’t alter my understanding of what’s socially acceptable. You might need to have a difficult conversation with her. It’s very imposing and far too frequent.

Next time she turns up just don't answer the door, simple! Or send her a message explaining that due to your own personal issues, you are very sleep deprived and have to grab sleep when you can, so can she please stop calling for a while. Tell her that you will contact her when -you- are free. If she doesn't respect that, then she's not a friend worth having.

She’d love me- my DC are teens, have no sleep issues and I still go back to bed after they’ve gone to school simply because I want to.

Lock the door, don’t answer it, keep the blinds closed, put your phone on silent.

Or answer the door and say “sorry pet, I’m busy, I’ll give you a call later.” And close the door.

Why do you open the door for her, and why do you let her in twice a day if you don’t want to?

You need to actually have boundaries for her to push them. Take some control, so when she's leaving tell her that you can't see her tomorrow but let's go for coffee on Friday... plan the times you will see her in a proactive way, so you're not just being negative.

I knew someone like this. In the end I stopped answering the door and put my phone on silent. She used to look through my letterbox if I didn’t answer the door and call my name. It is rude and intrusive.
In your situation it is more difficult as she has had a bereavement, but I think your best option is still not to answer the door. You need to prioritise your own health for your DC. Sleep deprivation can have a huge impact on your general health.

If her partner passed away late last year then her partner passed away a couple of months ago if that? Honestly I couldn’t even begin to imagine what she’s going through if she has young children, I’d put up with the inconvenience for a few months for the sake of supporting her then broach it then. Doing the right thing isn’t always about doing the right thing for yourself. MN is all about asserting your own boundaries but when a good friend is dealing with a huge amount of traumatic grief, I’d just get on with supporting them.

If she was caring for her partner before their death, she's probably lost all idea of what to do for herself.

I'd have a gentle chat, mention that she calls round often and seems very lost/lonely. Then help her find some direction...... join a gym, book club, find part time work. And arrange to meet for a walk/coffee so she's got no excuse to just turn up. Then you can not answer the door if you don't want to.

I had neighbours who did this, appearing unannounced in our our back garden or sending their children round for me to supervise. It became really intrusive.
I had to have the hard talk and say that I didn't want anyone calling unless it was via the Front Door, and knocking not just walking in and even then, I wasn't going to be inviting visitors unless it was pre arranged.
Predictably they reacted as if I was a horrible human being curtailing their free childcare. They were not friends. They were CFs.
These days I'd probably send a text and wouldn't give a damn what they thought.

What happens if you just don't answer the door? If she knocks just text her you are napping /bath /having a lazy morning and will text her later..

Thanks for your replys, I feel really bad for her and her daughter, I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through.

If fact quite often she says that it's her daughter that wants to come over, our girls are the same age and even though they go to different schools they are close friends.

Its often around meal times, so your feeling obliglized to cook more for them. Giving me more work cooking washing up.

I'll need to have a sit down and talk to her.

Lock the door and stop answering it when it's an inconvenient time.

I had a similar friend. Her dh was jailed. She stayed during dc's tea time. And bathtime.. And bedtime came and she still sat there with her 2 dc. She lived across the street!! Daily visits.

So she drops in unannounced and then insults you. That does not sound life enriching.

I think you need to find a gentle way to tell her to text or call before coming over.

It's one thing supporting a friend who's partner has died, but that friend shouldn't be coming round making comments about op being lazy etc, that's plain rude and I wouldn't stand for it in my own house.

You can be gently blunt.

“We are really struggling with Little Elizabeth up most of the night, and if I stand any chance of managing her and Tiny Lily for the rest of the day I have to sleep on in the mornings. Im sorry; I know this is a hard time for you too, but I can’t have people calling in before lunch. I have been advised to catch sleep where I can, and this is my only chance really.”

And then maybe get some fixed meets in the diary, set times when you are free to meet up and enjoy her company, or times when you’d be happy to do something together. And fix an after school or weekend date for your girls to play.

Having them fixed means if they do pop in unannounced at another time you can push back without being rude - “now’s not a great time actually but I’ll see you on Thursday, yeah?”

She will be all over the place if she’s just lost her partner and was his full time carer. But you also have full time caring responsibilities, and hopefully you can find a path which helps her without swamping you.

Just text and say that as you’re having sleep problems right now does she mind texting first as you might be asleep

I suggest something like this...

Dear Friend,

Please understand that as much as I want to be a good friend & support to you, I can't do that if I don't look after myself first. You are well aware of my struggles too & though not a bereavement, they still have a very significant impact on my life & like you I'm getting by the best I can.

I need you to understand that I cannot have visitors, any visitors, popping up when they please without checking I'm able to entertain them first. I also need you to understand that when you do just turn up & I'm not dressed etc, it's because I am exhausted you have just disturbed the rare chance I get to sleep undisturbed, so comments on things like that are offensive as I'm just trying to get by with my struggles, just like you. I'd be grateful if you'd keep that in mind & not pass such comments anymore.

From now on I'd be grateful if you would accept my need for space & arranged visits only from now on. Love you, but I need to do this for me, if I don't, I'm not looking after myself properly, so can hardly look after others & that includes you.

& yes, she would drive me nuts

Tell her you know she'll understand that you are having some sleep issues and to please text before coming round. Tell her if she doesn't hear back, it's because you've finally been able to fall asleep /get dd to sleep and you're not available. Tell her you will get back to her as soon as you can. Thank her profusely for being so understanding.
Also make sure you contact her first sometimes so that she knows you want to see her.

There is an online support organisation that you can suggest to your friend - WAY, Widowed And Young which she might find helpful.

Having been in your fdiends situation, I think having a chat with her about boundaries so soon after bereavement would be devastating for her.

instead, I would suggest “managing” the issue, to subtly reeducate her way of thinking - as in “I won’t be able to see you tomorrow, but shall we go for a coffee the day after” and pin it down to specific dates and times.

There is currently a good thread over on Gransnet with a similar issue - and other helpful replies