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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate my neighbour so much, should I get counseling?

63 replies

TunaGuitar · 15/01/2022 12:57

We bought the dream house, worked hard on it. Respected the neighbours but over 15 years relations are very sour. - dogs, 'right to roam' roosters, blocked drive, rats from their chickens
We thought life had got better during Covid after one died but have just arrived home to find a large extension without planning being built on the boundary.
It's totally triggered me, I hate them with such a passion, it's ruining my weekend, my life, my home. It's all consuming. My heart is filled with hate.

What's the solution?

OP posts:
Emerald5hamrock · 15/01/2022 15:05

Challenge the build and accept it isn't the perfect home, it could be without the neighbours however they are there.

The disappointment will get worse, I'd start looking at similar properties without the dickhead neighbours, I'm not sure is fair on the buyer.

Counselling might help you learn how to ignore them if you want to stay or cannot move.

Original poster
TunaGuitar · 15/01/2022 15:09

My expectations of a dream home faded a long time ago. It's muddy, we've all got chainsaws, I get on with everyone else north, south, east and west.

When the bloke next door died, no one spoke ill but nor did anyone say the usual neutral or positive comments. He' d managed to fall out with everyone.

She, it was felt was less to blame, but I'm now feeling doubly betrayed.

How can I find a zen approach to ignore this.

I have suggested moving but kids and DH very settled.

OP posts:
Santahasjoinedww · 15/01/2022 15:09

Keep a diary. Report everything. Keeping a rooster isn't always a given. Our council said no. Yes to hens but no male...

Tay17 · 15/01/2022 15:13

I agree about moving, I think it’s the only way forward. You can find another dream home and like a previous posted said it’s not your dream home anymore.
I’m sure it would be hard especially having put so much into your home but life is too short to feel so miserable in what should be your happy place.

Blue4YOU · 15/01/2022 15:28

I don’t know why I’m invested in this thread - OP is it the noise that’s bothering you? (You mention chainsaws).
How do the other members of your family view the things that irritate you?
Is it because you work from home?
Is your neighbour elderly and living alone?
If you are so sure the build is not within legal limits speak to the council and get a direct answer.
Similarly with any /whatever the animal issues are (is it noise?)

WonderfulYou · 15/01/2022 15:44

Did you move from a city to the country?

I think many people have an image in their head of what country life will be like but when they get there it’s nothing like they thought.

Do you work or have any friends? Or are you home most of the time?

Lou197 · 15/01/2022 16:31

Totally understand how you are feeling, we are in a similar situation with our neighbours, planning are currently involved and started enforcement action. I spent the night awake wondering if the situation will get resolved or if we are going to have to live next to this eyesore forever- it feels so unfair. Trying of get things in perspective today and focus on lots of positive things in our lives, but each time I look out of our windows and see their building I just think what selfish f..kers they are!!

3scape · 15/01/2022 16:56

You thought it would improve because one DIED ?!?? You are one hard nosed unfeeling person aren't you.

newnameforthis76 · 15/01/2022 17:03

People are perfectly entitled to keep chickens if they want to, and I don’t see how you can possibly know that there wouldn’t be rats without them. And what’s your issue with their dogs? Are they noisy? Are they on your property? None of this stuff seems like a big deal to me.

Idontbelieveit14 · 15/01/2022 17:06

I thought you meant a chicken had died 🙈

Mountaingoat12 · 15/01/2022 17:13

Just move. We had horrid neighbours. It felt so suffocating. We could never, ever, relax. Just one simple move and life is blissful again! No regrets whatsoever.

Escapetothecatshome · 15/01/2022 17:20

You hating them / her is not going to make her move - is it ?
Moving is risky anyway - what if you don't like your new neighbours, I've moved a lot and the saying "you take your luggage with you" is so very true. I've had horrible neighbour after horrible neighbour.
And before you think it - its not me its them !

The only thing left is to accept the situation, just before christmas I found out in the field across from my house their building 31 new houses, I've been through every emotion possible and have settled on acceptance. Just want them to hurry up and build the bloody things now.
You don't have to love your neighbours most people don't actually, I certainly don't. But I went through a stage of hating them and understand your feelings.
But then I realised why am I wasting so much energy on people I wouldn't give the time of day to in any other circumstance.
We have nothing in common, and I owe them nothing.
You need to reset yourself, don't allow yourself to look at their house, watch the comings and goings etc - why would you - you have better things to do and whatever they do has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Stop allowing this outside influence to effect you inner sanctum.
Spend time in your garden, turn the radio on high, start to dominate your space again. I got the feeling my neighbours felt my garden was somehow their domain as the previous owners never used it and the wall was only waist height, they had plenty of opinions on the place. Well now its got a 6ft fence and I potter around the garden constantly. Push back those mental boundaries its your house - its your home. Try looking at it from a different perspective.
I doubt you'll stop her building this extension - but a lot can be done with planting so you don't have to look it.
We can only focus on the things we can change and the rest we just have to accept.
Hope this ramble helps x

hopeishere · 15/01/2022 17:28

Yes it sounds like you have some issues and it would be worthwhile exploring those. It's probably about more than your neighbours though.

Santahasjoinedww · 15/01/2022 17:44

Actually you have to be approved by your local council to keep chickens.

Original poster
TunaGuitar · 15/01/2022 17:56

Thank you everyone. I have a job outside the home that I love, work with a big range of people so I'm not in an echo chamber and I genuinely find something to like about my colleagues even if I personally disagree on their different outlooks.

I don't want to go into nearly 20 years of neighbourly baggage, you'll have to trust me that it was pretty bad. People in the local community would shudder when they found out where we lived and it's a pretty robust area. The previous owners kept in touch because they changed their plans due to next door, it was supposed to be their forever home. We were naive to think we could over come it.

Having invested so many years and being so pleased that the last two were more positive. It seems like I've had a more extreme reaction than if it was a new stranger.

Thank you everyone and @Escapetothecatshome, I will claim the garden. It can be liberating not having to worry about upsetting this neighbour. I can put my compost heap on the boundary, play music etc. But I was brought up to always consider my lovely childhood neighbours so I have to weigh up if the guilt is worth it!

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/01/2022 18:01

Which the OP has acknowledged, I think, and is asking therefore whether she should get counselling

TheOccupier · 15/01/2022 18:03

I don't know why you want to be "zen". I'd be fighting the fuckers on everything. Ring the council daily.

Woeismethischristmas · 15/01/2022 18:08

It sounds awful. For those in doubt chicken food can attract rats which then become a massive issue for neighbouring buildings. I’d push with the council

rrhuth · 15/01/2022 18:47

@Santahasjoinedww

Actually you have to be approved by your local council to keep chickens.
I'm not sure this is true, I know many people who keep them (including relatives) and never heard of this?
Greenbather · 15/01/2022 18:53

It is miserable living with hate/anger/rage and spending your time fighting with others (even if most of the fighting is just inside your head).

So yes I would try counselling to try and get your mind to approach this problem in a different way.

Cherrysoup · 15/01/2022 18:55

Get onto the council urgently. I’d say move, things won’t get better.

Kitkatchunkyplease · 15/01/2022 19:00

My next door neighbour built without planning. People complained and they were told to take it down. They appealed twice and can keep it how it is. It wasn't worth the emotional energy whatsoever.

ImpossibleDetails · 15/01/2022 19:00

I had a similar situation with our old neighbours, my level of hatred for them was disproportionate and was ruining my life. I was consumed by our feud and it was souring everything.

We moved last year, my world is a bright and sunny place again, my mental health has returned to normal.

Put the house on the market, get your life back.

cherrypie66 · 15/01/2022 19:13

Move

bellabride · 15/01/2022 19:37

My DSis was like this, and was like a different person once they moved.

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