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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex and his girlfriend

46 replies

Cakequeen1988 · 15/01/2022 10:48

Myself and my ex got on ok co parenting for the last 2 years. However since he got his new girlfriend he has changed. He has stopped paying maintenance and despite CMS ruling he should is contesting this.

We video chat with the kids on the nights we aren’t with them. Now he doesn’t want to on the weekend. So he doesn't have to bother with the kids and can swan off without his children ‘interrupting’ and he doesn’t want me to call them at weekend either. He stated to me ‘it’s happening’

We agreed to trial not speaking to the children Saturday nights. Thus yesterday (Friday) I explain to the children that we will be doing this as they are having so much fun at whichever parents it’s nice for them to not have to interrupt playing to call. I was neutral about it and did not express my feelings (I am never too busy to call them and would like to!)

When my son Spoke to his dad last night the first thing he said was I want to call mummy on Saturdays. I then hear his girlfriend start shouting in the background, in front of the children they both start shouting on video chat at me saying it didn’t need mentioning, I’ve blown it up into something it didn’t need to be. That I’ve been ridiculous.

Firstly if a change is occurring I want the children to know, otherwise what will they think? Mummy and daddy don’t bother calling anymore??? They will have no explanation for it.

Secondly I think shouting in front of the kids was unreasonable and I quickly went into another room and asked the shouting to stop. It didn’t.

His girlfriend grabbed the phone shouting at me. I hung up on her. She is not in this co parenting arrangement I believe it is between me and Ex and don’t expect her to be shouting at me, it’s nothing to do with her

AIBU - I shouldn’t have said anything and the calls just stopped on Saturdays. Their reaction was justified.

YANBU - it’s important to explain to children a change and show you support it (kids aged 7 and 4) their behaviour was unacceptable.

OP posts:

KiloWhat · 15/01/2022 10:51

I'd insist on email contact with your ex only now.

Ovenaffray · 15/01/2022 10:53

It’s important to explain a change yes.

But I doubt you were as neutral as you think you were (you say you want to call).

The GF definitely shouldn’t have been involved and you shouldn’t have been shouted at.

Why did the calls start? I never did video chats every day when my kids were with the other parent - personally I would have found that intrusive.

givemepiece · 15/01/2022 10:54

I don't think it's necessary to video call every night you don't have them tbh

But EVERYTHING else he IBU and the girlfriend is a twat

Saddm · 15/01/2022 10:56

Calls can be deemed intrusive - judge's opinion ime.
Expecting an ex to keep his word to you when his dick is working again is unreasonable imo.
Take a step back. Make it fun without df around. He will reap the repercussions.. Make sure your dc do not.

RedCandyApple · 15/01/2022 11:04

I wouldn’t like daily phone calls I agree that’s intrusive to me and ott. Maybe he wants to stop that which is fair enough

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 15/01/2022 11:10

YANBU OP, pp seem to miss the point that you BOTH did these calls when you didn't see them. It's okay that ex wanted to stop them but of course you need to explain that you are stopping them for the children otherwise it would upset and unsettle them.

Ovenaffray · 15/01/2022 11:13

The op says she would like to call them in her post so it’s fair to assume that she is the driver behind it.

I wouldn’t like that if I was her ex and perhaps having a gf has solidified that because the gf feels uncomfortable with it (I would).

Doesn’t make the shouting ok.

phishy · 15/01/2022 11:14

The girlfriend shouting in front of the children is inexcusable.

I’d be very worried what kind of home this is now.

Cosmois · 15/01/2022 11:17

I wouldn't want daily video calls either. Far too intrusive! It is his time with the children, not yours.

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2022 11:19

I agree the daily calls are too much and would probably interfere with any plans they have.

I'm also not entirely sure you remained as neutral as you're making out. There's two sides to every argument but they shouldn't be shouting in front of the kids.

Hemingwayzcatz · 15/01/2022 11:19

The daily calls are a bit extreme, I don’t think most parents do this. I understand that you miss them but it’s time to spend with their Dad so it’s a bit intrusive to call them every day they’re with him.

The CM obviously isn’t on and I hope CMS sort this out for you. It’s sadly quite common for men to change when a new girlfriend comes on the scene, I hope their relationship is short lived and he realises what a twat he was.

Newmumatlast · 15/01/2022 11:21

The calling is intrusive and should stop. But that isn't OPs query. It's about whether she should've told the kids it was stopping and yes of course she should've. But ideally they should've explained it neutrally together. And there is no justifiable reason for the shouting

Uuuuuser · 15/01/2022 11:23

I think daily calls are a bit intrusive unless the child is wanting / asking for them. But I wouldn't like it to be an expectation of "every night we must call mummy / daddy at X time".

But yeah the girlfriend should have wound her neck in, absolutely nothing to do with her.

I have step children and I don't always agree with their Mum but I just roll my eyes in private and leave my husband to get on with it. I'd never dream of shouting at her down the phone.

MarshmallowSwede · 15/01/2022 11:25

Children should be able to call their parents whenever they want. I don’t understand why a schedule is needed.

If my husband and I spilt there is no way he would be able to tell me my child can’t call me. That’s ridiculous.

And I don’t understand why people let their girlfriends and boyfriends get involved in parenting decisions. That is between the actual parents of the child.

Jossbow · 15/01/2022 11:43

How do you explain to a 4 and 7 that you wont be ringing them when they are at dads, without framing it ''Daddy doesnt want me to''?

of course theyare going to say to daddy thats what they want.

I dont think I would have even tried to explain. Just not done it. Theyare perfectly fine without speaking to me for 24 hours- and if I dont believe that of their dad, they shouldnt be going, however much I miss them

Santahasjoinedww · 15/01/2022 11:45

Sadly your dc aren't going to have the childhood you envisaged. Don't give ex the power to ruin that even more.
Concentrate on you being a great parent. Leave him to his choices.

ivykaty44 · 15/01/2022 11:49

I wouldn’t want an ex’s girlfriend shouting & making a nuisance in front of my children during their call with their dad

MzHz · 15/01/2022 11:50

@RedCandyApple

I wouldn’t like daily phone calls I agree that’s intrusive to me and ott. Maybe he wants to stop that which is fair enough

Exactly- this is so intrusive on a weekend when someone has moved on. It interrupts everyone

Leave them be, they’re old enough to forgo the calls, each parent has to allow the other to have their own space and time with the kids.

Dumblebum · 15/01/2022 11:54

He should be paying the maintenance but I don’t think it’s necessary the video calls every night like that, so agree with him there. None of you should be shouting and arguing in front of the kids but the fact your child mentioned it immediately could indicate you’ve been talking to them about it and not dealing with it between adults.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 15/01/2022 12:02

I agree the calls are a bit much

On what grounds is he contesting CMS ordered maintenance? Request that they collect it directly if he's going to be a twat about it

AlDanvers · 15/01/2022 12:02

The whole mess is not good for the kids. She shouldn't be getting involved, but do think there's wrong on all parts.

Now he doesn’t want to on the weekend. So he doesn't have to bother with the kids and can swan off without his children ‘interrupting’ and he doesn’t want me to call them at weekend either. He stated to me ‘it’s happening’

Its perfectly acceptable for a parent to want some time that's nor interrupted by their kids. Plenty of parents who are still together get their own time.

I find it odd that you judge him for wanting to be able to go out and not have to work around a video call, every night. And you appear to judge how hebfeels about his kids because he wants to 'Swan off without his children interrupting'.

I am nor with the father of my kids. And yes I will speak to the kids during that time. Especially, now they are older and got their own phones. However, I have no issue telling them I wont be available as I am busy, when they are at their dads. If they are here and want to speak to their dad, before they had phones I would message amd ask when was a good time. Then give them my phone. It never occurred to me that either of us had to plan around the kids, when the kids weren't with us.

Video calling because the kids want to is fine. But it's clear it's something you want too. But having to it every night regardless of plans was always going to end in tears.

I think you have both got this awkward situation where you feel the calls must take place. The kids now think that and maybe come to rely on it more than they should. Personally, I would have just said 'I can't call you Saturday, as I have plans but you will be having fun with dad'.

But then the situation on the phone sounds awful. So I dont have any sympathy for them. But I don't think you are blameless and I think your expectations of him, when he doesn't have the kids are unrealistic.

phishy · 15/01/2022 12:06

@MzHz

Exactly- this is so intrusive on a weekend when someone has moved on. It interrupts everyone

Leave them be, they’re old enough to forgo the calls, each parent has to allow the other to have their own space and time with the kids.

It’s not about the calls, though? OP said yes to that.

It’s the girlfriend shouting in front of tye dc.

Hankunamatata · 15/01/2022 12:08

They dont need to video call you, a quick phone call if they want to. There was no need to sit kids down and 'explain it' you made it into a drama.

C152 · 15/01/2022 12:23

YANBU. Your kids are young and if they're used to regular calls and were expecting a call that never came, they would be upset and wonder if you were mad at them.

My ex and I used to skype with our child when we first split. Not every night, but quite frequently and at least every weekend, because that's what our child wanted. Now the calls just seem to have naturally dropped off as more time has passed, but our child knows he can call either of us whenever he wants to, or ask us to call him when he's with the other parent. I don't see the issue with this. If I had plans on my parenting 'night off', I would either call my son earlier (if he wanted me to), or simply say I couldn't call because I was working, but I would see him the next day. This situation doesn't need to excalate into such drama. If the kids want to talk with the parent they're not currently with, a 2 minute call is not going to disrupt the flow of the evening.

Arabelladrinkstea · 15/01/2022 12:25

Unfortunately the whole point is, you get to say what happens when your child is with you and he gets to say what happens when his child is with him.

That’s the basic facts and there’s really nothing you can do unless it turns abusive in any way towards you or your shared child together.

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