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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at this comment from dh

46 replies

Broodymomma · 26/12/2007 15:15

After a rotten xmas morning where dh did not even get me a little gift from our 9 month old son let alone anything from him he sat at the dinner table infront of all our family and said that "new year's eve has been crap since i met H (me!!). It really upset and embarrased me. He says I took it the wrong way but if im honest he has been a pig for 3 days and he knew fine that would upset me. AIBU??

OP posts:
discoverlife · 26/12/2007 15:19

Tell him to grow up, he isnt a child any more, if he didn't want the downside to being a parent (ie babysitting, he should have worn a condom. PRATT.

poppy34 · 26/12/2007 15:19

in context non yanbu -is he often quite blunt or is this cos something is bothering him?

new years eve always been overrated in my opinion

UniversallyChallenged · 26/12/2007 15:19

Doesnt sound like your NYE has been a barrell of laughs either. What an odd thing for him to say, and how could you have taken it the wrong way

YANBU

nannynick · 26/12/2007 15:22

As a bloke, I can understand that he may not have thought about getting you a gift from your son... but him not getting you anything - he should be big trouble.

I'm not surprised his comment upset you... why would he say such a thing? Surely it is up to him to make New Years Eve special, if that is what he wants. Some men hey!

No you are not being unreasonable to be upset.
Maybe as he feels previous years have been so crap, that he can treat you to a night out in town on new years eve.

juuule · 26/12/2007 15:23

YANBU about the NYE comment. Why would he say that? Are you both not getting along very well at the moment anyway?
Not getting you a gift from your 9mo son. IMO YABU unless he specifically knew that you would have expected one and he deliberately didn't get you one. Did you get him one? Is it something that you both normally do?

Granny22 · 26/12/2007 15:23

Have you got any stuffing left over? Well you know where to stuffit now.

Original poster
Broodymomma · 26/12/2007 15:25

Thanks for reassuring me Im not going mad. It really hurt. He is down as he missing his dad who died of cancer 2 years ago but this has been our first xmas with our baby who we went through 3 ivf;s to get. Im so bloody angry the more i think about it. Im just sick of him taking it out on me - have looked forward to this xmas for so long and im still upset he didnt even get me a little gift from the baby. I didnt expect anything from him as we had said we were not going to buy for eachother with me still being off work but a little gesture on the babies behalf would have meant the world to me. Then to come out with that at dinner just hurt so much . He says Im being crazy and im over analysing what was said - i dont think so!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Broodymomma · 26/12/2007 15:32

LOL re the stuffing.

About the gift from our son yes i got him daddy slippers and a daddy mug. He knew we have waited so long to be parents and i was dying for just a little something that had mummy on it or even a picture with his handprint or something. I know it sound pathetic it just would have meant a lot if he had thought to do something like that for me.

I have told him to go round up the boys and go out this NY - ever one of them is a new father this year so let him just see how many of then choose to go out and act 22 again.

We get on ok but tbh i feel kind of invisible to him these days - have done for a while now. God im sat here bawling my eyes out typing this - am so new to this website and already am pouring me heart out. Sorry! I just miss the relationship we had before infertility and ivf and parents dying. Having our little boy has just been wonderful but something is wrong with us - i know it is. I try to talk to him about it but I get nowhere. Sorry for bleating on.

OP posts:
juuule · 26/12/2007 15:37

I really think you both need to sit down and talk this through. If talking isn't helping then maybe just give each other a bit of time to recover from what you have been through.
As much as you have gone through 3 ivfs, so has he. Although you have endured more physically than he has, he has also gone through the mental trial of it, too. Some men also find it difficult to watch helplessly the suffering that their partners go through to achieve pregnancy and a baby at the end. Did he really want a baby and did he suffer the sense of loss with each failed ivf? Along with his father's death maybe it is all catching up with him.
I'm not trying to make excuses but just trying to give you a different perspective.
You can't call him for not getting you a present if that's what you agreed to do.
If he's saying that he meant no harm with the comment, why not give him the benefit of the doubt (it is christmas) and ask him to watch what he says in future. Try to be nice but point out the times that when he says/does things that hurt but without getting too upset. I think you both need to adjust to what's happened to you both in recent years.

Original poster
Broodymomma · 26/12/2007 15:43

Thanks juuule - you make sense. I tend to forget he has been through it all too. I just need to get a grip on how much it upset me yesterday and as you say try and talk it through with him - again. I just wosh he would open up to me.

OP posts:
whispywhisp · 26/12/2007 15:44

He should have bought something for your baby and something for you - there is no excuse for that.

However, I lost my Dad just over two years ago. Christmas will never be the same for me either. It's hard losing a parent and I'm guessing he still misses his Dad dreadfully? I miss mine a great deal especially as he loved this time of year...and two years isn't that long at all, especially when you've lost someone you loved so much.

Please don't be too hard on him.

KITTYmaspudding · 26/12/2007 15:45

Sorry, you are having a tough time BM.
The ivf and then being new parents will have put a HUGE strain on you both. Don't underestimate it. Lots of new parents take a good while for their relationship to settle into its new position and there may well be a lot of grumbling and complaining along the way
Your dh does sound as if he has 'issues ' he needs to deal with though.
Re the present thing, yes it was thoughtless and hurtful but men can be really thoughtless and stupid gits when it comes to present buying.
They don't mean to wound, they just don't think and they don't "get it", really, when we are sad because of things they have done, mainly because they wouldn't have been sad themselves iyswim.

I hope things start to improve for you both soon, I'm sure it will

juuule · 26/12/2007 15:46

He might not be ready to yet. Don't be upset if he doesn't want to discuss as much as you do. A lot of men don't 'talk' about things in the same way that we do. Give him time but let him know just how much he's upset you and ask him if that's what he meant to do. I really think it's unlikely that he wants to deliberately hurt you.

Original poster
Broodymomma · 26/12/2007 15:49

I wont - I just dont know how to help him when he wont open up to me - his dad was only 57 and died very quickly after learning he has cancer. It broke all our hearts as it was so unexpected - I miscarried also days before he died (our 1st ivf baby) and both my parents beacme sick the same month, my mum needs a transplant and dad was diagnoes with parkinsons. Its been a horrendous few years i just hoped our baby finally arriving would help. I just dont know what to do to help him when he wont let me. It just feels like he takes it out on me. I cant begin to imagine his sens of loss and shock at what happened but how long can we go on as a couple when he shuts me out

OP posts:
Original poster
Broodymomma · 26/12/2007 15:51

excuse the missed letters - my baby has pulled a few keys off my laptop.

Thanks to you all for taking the time to answer me - Im really new here and hope you dont all think I am a totaly misery guts now xxxxx

OP posts:
whispywhisp · 26/12/2007 15:52

I hold my hands up to all this....I don't open up either especially to DH. I always think 'you don't know how I feel...how can you when you've still got both your parents?'.

It is hard to get someone to open up and talk. Sometimes talking helps, sometimes it doesn't. When I lost my Dad I didn't talk to anyone. When I had a miscarriage I bottled up my feelings and I could feel myself going down hill.

BUT.....when I lost my baby it was his baby too - when I lost my Dad it was his FIL too (although he was more a Dad to DH than his own Father).

I think you need to let things settle down over the next few days. Don't push him into opening up - he will do it in his own time. Pick your moment to chat to him. You are angry at the moment - that is completely understandable but don't add to your anger or rock the boat with him anymore at the moment. Just wait and try to enjoy the rest of your Christmas - your first Christmas with your baby....xxx

whispywhisp · 26/12/2007 15:54

You're not a misery guts....you're human and us humans have feelings and yours have been hurt. xxxx

juuule · 26/12/2007 15:54

He won't shut you out forever but he will need time to get himself together. Having a baby can be a huge lifechanging event in itself under the most straightforward of circumstances. Given what you both have been through then it's not surprising you are both a bit punch-drunk with it. You both need time to adjust. Be kind to yourselves and each other, enjoy your baby together and try not to be upset if your partner doesn't second guess what you need. Tell him. Spell it out. Eventually he might tell you what he needs, too.

Original poster
Broodymomma · 26/12/2007 15:57

Thank you so much - Im so glad I logged on here today you guys have made me see things more clearly. Thank you xx

OP posts:
whispywhisp · 26/12/2007 16:02

Just make sure you push him out the door tomorrow, with a list of things you'd like and a list of things pressie wise for your baby and his credit card and send him on his way...!!!!!!!! xxxxxx

whispywhisp · 26/12/2007 16:46

Oh and one other thought....he may be feeling pretty down at the moment because I'm sure he'd have loved it that his Dad would have loved to have met your Son, his Grandson, before he passed away, especially at Christmas. Just a thought but one that may be why your DH is feeling low. x

mmmcneil · 26/12/2007 17:07

I think it's a dangerous assumption to make that when you both agree to do without presents that your other half is going to read between the lines and give you something for all your hard work and effort in bringing up your loved one. Been there and done that myself, first you're angry with your DP then you think that you're being stupid for getting upset.

I've been reading through some of the older MN talk stuff and I've got a pg friend who keeps on talking about what present her DH is going to get her when she gives birth. Now envious that DH didn't even think to get me anything (other than some Asda lilies!) and that was over 2 years ago! It can be a dangerous thing to think that men do think about these things!!!

Big hugs though, and please enjoy the rest of the holidays with your husband and your son (my own husband would probably say that was the best gift of all )

juuule · 26/12/2007 17:17

Have to say, mmmcneil, I'd have to agree with your husband. Definitely the best gift of all.

HonoriaGlossop · 26/12/2007 17:18

i think juule has hit the nail on the head; the longer I am married, the more I realise that men need these things completely and literally spelled out. Agree you can't be upset he didn't buy you anything as you'd agreed not to, and I have to say I think 99% of the male race would not actually think of buying you something 'from' the baby. Yes it would be great if they did, but....marry a woman if you want sensitivity to gift giving I think you need to have said to him word for word as you have here, "For christmas I want a little something with mummy on it or a handprint, please. You can get this sort of thing at (name of shop) here is a map, and here is a list of their opening hours"

I do believe you will need to spell things out more. I've certainly done this over the years with DH. It works.

Hope you have a lovely time for the rest of chrismtas.

makemineadouble · 26/12/2007 17:22

Maybe come Christmas morn he wished he had got you something after all????

when my dh feels awkward at something he's done himself he always grumps at me..?

I think its embarrasment?? especially when we have company drives me mad but I end up feeling sorry for him (maybe thats his plan)