To wonder about giving up career?

[Goosethemoose]

I’d be very interested to hear about any experiences of giving up relatively “high flying”, City-job, professional services type roles to be a SAHP.

Repeatedly hit by the realisation of how much easier life would be if I did - nursery runs/ school runs, no need to pay for all the childcare, time to cook more, sort out house renovations, see ny DC, spend more time on my small side-business…

But would I miss the adrenaline of client-facing work and the pressure? (And the money?) Anyone done it and loved it? Or regretted it?

No experience, but having seen similar threads I think that you need to find out from people who are a good few years removed from the decision: it's one thing when you're in the middle of it with very young children, quite different when they're grown up and you're comparing how things turned out from a different vantage point.

I totally agree- and it’s that long term perspective that’s holding me back. Yes, it would be great for the next few years, but in the long term, 20y down the line, I think I’d be full of regrets…

I couldn’t, I’d be too bored after about 3 months.

I agree you need the long term perspective, but fwiw I considered doing this when dc1 was born. In short I didn't (and went for promotion instead!) I still consider it sometimes but the even higher level more gives me greater flexibility for time with the DCs and obviously the money brings extra choice. I also love my job and would seriously miss it. It's got easier as DC have got bigger, so overall I think this was the right choice for me as I suspect by the time both leave primary I'd be bored without my career.

v different role but i gave up a full time/demanding/high profile role 18 months ago due to a combination of reasons (diff kind of family pressures). and now i'm bored... i still work part time but it's not enough and i am going to need to work out what's next!

would your side business have the potential of consuming your drive/ambition/ability or is it always destined to be a side business?

Being honest, all my friends who have done this have regretted it. Their partners (often sub consciously) hold them on less regard and it has created issues in their marriages of resentment and inequality. The money is the least of what they lose. A sense of self, friendships and support, self esteem, equality, security (both personal and financial). The list goes on.

As well as being bored witless with the lack of intellectual stimulation, and loss of status, you need to consider the serious financial implications, OP.
You will not be contributing to your pension pot, you will be totally financially dependent on DH, like a child instead of an autonomous adult, and you will slowly become out of date and unemployable in your previous career.
How long were you intending to be out of the career market, and what is your re-entry plan?

@Haggisfish3

Being honest, all my friends who have done this have regretted it. Their partners (often sub consciously) hold them on less regard and it has created issues in their marriages of resentment and inequality. The money is the least of what they lose. A sense of self, friendships and support, self esteem, equality, security (both personal and financial). The list goes on.

@Haggisfish3 has articulated everything I was coming to say perfectly.

I stepped out of a different, but equally challenging and fast paced industry 5 years ago for childcare reasons, with the intention of going back later, and Christ, I am a shell of the person I was before, and the reality of looking at my peers who have 5 years of progression on me is sobering and little bit sickening! I am lucky in that I will definitely be able to reach the same position eventually, but the financial hit has been enormous, and my progression will remain slower than it would have been if I hadn’t stepped out.

My DH is generally a good egg and respectful and supportive, but I find myself even with him sometimes having to remind him that it is ME facilitating HIS career progression, not him facilitating me pissing about at home (I don’t, for the record, piss about at home!)

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the start I have been able to give my children, and my DH has achieved a lot during this period, but if I had my time again I would have stayed on part time in some capacity.

Can you go part time maybe? All of my friends who did this, without exception, really regretted it but many liked the balance of dropping some hours. Its a very individual choice though, for me I'd be bored, I'd worry about how easy it would be to a job at a similar level again when ready as my industry changes quickly, I like having my own financial stability and not relying on DH, children love nursery, I feel like the balance of being me and being just mum is a good one and the best of both worlds.

Part-time may be the way forward.

I was made redundant when mine were three. The time not working was nice, but boring and soul destroying.

I found another role in my area of work at 40, p/t and it was the happy medium. Now, at nearly 50, I am glad I contributed to my pension and continued my career as I am hoping to go freelance.

Think about the long term. One day I was 35 with three year olds, and now I'm nearly 50 with teens. It goes quickly. I changed as a person, became more aware of what was important to ME, not just serving others.

Hi OP
I never had a career so on that bit I cannot comment,but I did have a job I loved,working with nice people for 15 yrs, Over the last 8 months my health took a bit of a nose dive,thankfully nothing too serious and I handed in my notice on monday of this week, I still have a few issues that are going to take a bit of time to sort out health wise but oh my goodness do I feel great,after agonizing with the decision to just let it all go or try to keep on going, I feel 20 yrs younger literally, I too juggled as we all do,school runs,house hold,job,parenting etc and I felt I was on a merry go round at times,So many plates to keep spinning and to be fair just about doing an adequate job of each,Already my life is easier,in just a short week, I should have taken this leap of faith years ago, I am so so beyond happy now to be able to devote a bit of time to me ,more to the home,more to my daughter, I am 50 tomorrow and I genuinely feel I have done enough trying to split myself in pieces for everyone and getting by on just enough will do,..Luckily we are in a position where DH can support this lifestyle which is a huge bonus,and whilst I know people advise never to leave yourself open to rely on a man this isnt the case here. I have tried to have it all and I dont want it all anymore.it came at too high of a price for me!! In a week I genuinely feel a million times better since I resigned,

Honestly they are little for such a short period, soon they are off to school etc, and for me it would have been incredibly dull to just do housework and childcare, but others enjoy it, plus our standard of living was so much higher with both of us working.

I did this and don't regret it. I was at home until my youngest was 10, although was doing p/t freelance work by then. I didn't have my first DC until I was 38 so had savings.
My kids are at uni now and I now work in a completely different sector full time and earn well. I also live close to work so that gives me more time in my life.
I didn't get bored at all as we were doing the house up etc. and it made sense for me to be at home. My DH had an all-consuming job during that time so I was able to lighten the load at home.

I’d look at other work options that might fit in with having young children, rather than give up my career entirely to become a SAHP.

I took a break from a full on, full time managerial role when mine were small, but always ‘kept my hand in’ with part time roles, freelance work etc. It wasn’t easy and my career still took a hit, but far less so than it would have done had I completely stepped away and been a SAHP.

Be cautious, OP. When you’re stressed from juggling a career & family it’s easy to see being an SAHP as a gentler option, but it can be stressful in a different way - isolating, boring, undervalued - as well as affecting your career prospects, confidence and finances.

I think if you love your job then you have to stick with it. If you don't long to be a SAHP and love cooking, homemaking, childcare etc then it would be the wrong choice for you.

Instead look to reduce the stress wherever possible. Maybe work from home some of the time, flexible working, part time?

It depends on the industry you work in. I work in the financial sector and took 6/7 years out when I had DC. I had no problem getting back into work and had a decent career until I had to give up work again to be a full time carer to DD (then 14) when she fell ill. 6 years later, I'm still being contacted for jobs and could get one at the same level I left at. Though I can't because of our home situation, and I hate that. But that's not the point of the thread.

No way would I do this - they are little for such a short amount of time and soon they will be expensive teenagers!
Think of all the potential negatives - what happens if you divorce and need to get another home, what if your DH lost his job or got ill, what if you can’t get back into work, what about pensions/helping DCs through uni?
The positives would of course be lovely but it’s all short term

I wouldn't. My own career and money making potential is something I really value. I earn equal to my husband if not slightly more so we'd be down 50% if I stopped. I'm looking to the long term - I want to buy my child things she wants as a teenager. I want to buy her a car and give her a house deposit. It doesn't make much of a difference to her if I'm off now but those things will be life changing for her later. Also, I trained hard for my career. I have two degrees and I'm very experienced. I like using my knowledge and experience to forge a profession. Think carefully about what you might give up if you stop.

I wouldn’t give up my earning ability. Too much financial for me and the DC.

Have tried hard to avoid jobs with long hours, as those are too much risk in other ways!

I did it and then managed to undo it after some years (DS is now 16). I would advise being very cautious about it and thinking about all the other options first (part time or a role which keeps your hand in even if not as full-powered as your current role). If it’s a positive decision because you want to be a sahp, that’s one thing, but I think doing it simply because it would make life easier is too much of a short term approach and undervalues your career and the work you’ve put in to get where you are.

Happy to discuss privately if it would be helpful.

Me. You can PM me if you like. I was full-time professional in the City for 20 years. DH similarly in a different profession. I am now not working in the City, but have a similar career contracting for clients on deals with periods when I turn down work to be a SAHP (holidays mainly, but DC1 needs extra support). I have 3 DCs under 12. I couldn’t stack up senior management demands with client needs and family stuff, so needed to recalibrate and I was fed up working in a partnership.

But I wouldn’t give up totally if I were you. Very difficult to claw back in.

“ Be cautious, OP. When you’re stressed from juggling a career & family it’s easy to see being an SAHP as a gentler option, but it can be stressful in a different way - isolating, boring, undervalued - as well as affecting your career prospects, confidence and finances.”

This.

School gate politics isn’t fun. I have nothing in common with the SAHP round here, many of whom have never really worked. I’d be cautious about giving up my financial independence. My dad left my mum with 3 kids under 10, refused or “forgot” to pay maintenance and committed mortgage fraud leaving her in the financial sh*t. Luckily, she was a teacher, went full time and went on to be a deputy head. Retired now and with a comfortable teachers pension. She nagged me and my siblings about always working and being financially independent.

Not the same situation but similar.
When i lived and worked in the UK i had a relatively good career. It was full on and far exceeded a 9-5. Out of work hours and weekends were spent attending events and overtime to hit targets. I thrived on that life for years however I realised if I settled down and had kids I would never see them and be stuck in the rat race so I gave it all up. Quit my job and moved abroad for a slower pace of life. Loved it and job was enjoyable - completely different industry than i worked in UK. Had ds and also quit that job to be a SAHM. I absolutely love it, I get to spend time with him and watch him grow, get to focus on our house reno, get to learn to cook and always have time for my family.

Caveat is that covid hit dh job hard and now I have to go back to work in a couple months however if we had the money and i didn't need to work I wouldn't.

I am in a bit of limbo at the moment. 3 days didn’t make me happy. Felt like it was best for the children but awful for work and I’ve been much better doing 4 days. I’ve got the opportunity to do a full on, amazing job but would have to go full time plus and I don’t know if I can do it. I have dreams of being a sahm but I think I’d be bored once youngest at school.

Basically I would like a high powered job that is school hours only, 3-4 days a week and has loads of holiday. Basically doesn’t exist though.

Bunnycat, I experienced similar and went full time but was firm with myself about minimising overtime. For me it was actually much better FT, except covering school summer holidays. from working PT with DC I’d learned to crunch through work fast, prioritise etc, so when went FT found had enough time to get stuff done.