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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want so many messages from bf

26 replies

Delawaregirl · 14/01/2022 20:36

Long distance relationship so I do get that you have to work at keeping the momentum going. But my bf is constantly messaging all day. If I haven't replied he will ask if I'm OK. Or ask what I'm up to. He works from home for himself and even when he has his son he is still texting me about what they are doing, sending pictures.
I have a job. I have kids. I have friends and its starting to feel like a chore.
On the other hand, I guess if its LD and you don't meet up much,how else do you connect?

Aibu? Yes...he's trying to keep it alive.
No...it's too much of a full time job.

OP posts:
Tal45 · 14/01/2022 20:49

It's tricky, I guess you could say things like 'going out for the day today will message you when I get back' type thing or 'how lovely that you've got your son, I'll leave you to make the most of it and text you after I've had dinner this evening' and then turn your phone off. That way he knows when you're next going to text and hopefully won't keep texting you so much in the mean time - and you can ignore it if he does. It might be that you've given the impression you're always available by almost always replying and he's a bit starved of adult company so texts you a lot. If you make it clear you're unavailable for a while but that you will contact him at a particular time then it might help reduce how much he texts.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2022 20:52

DH and I were LD for 18 months and no, we didn't do this.

Just fix your own boundaries and stick with them. It's either enough for him or not. I certainly wouldn't be replying in work hours or with a friend there.

TYTY4 · 14/01/2022 20:52

You just need to speak to him and tell him to ease back as you are ringing the messages too much. If he can’t listen to that and change his behaviour then he’s probably not worth being with.

TYTY4 · 14/01/2022 20:53

Finding not ringing

RoyKentsChestHair · 14/01/2022 20:55

I was the one who wanted more messages in my relationship. DP would phone whenever it was convenient for him, not considering that I may have been busy etc. I preferred to text as it could be answered whenever he was free, but he would read and then not reply all day. WHen he finally messaged at midnight I felt soo pissed off that he hadn’t had 30 seconds spare all day to reply to my text that I’d feel really unimportant. I knew full well he’d done nothing important all evening, just TV or gaming, so it was a real kick in the teeth that he couldn’t spare a moment to let me know he was thinking of me.

If you’re leaving him on read then I can see why he’s annoyed. If you don’t have time to reply then don’t read the message. If he’s still being needy even if you are replying or communicating then maybe it’s just a difference that you have to learn to compromise on. LDR need contact to keep working.

MooshWoosh · 14/01/2022 20:58

Can you swap texting throughout the day for a call each night instead?

Maybe start with a "Good morning" text, then give him a call when you are commuting / making dinner / before bed?

That way you can still enjoy your independent life without constant distractions but you can maintain a decent relationship?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2022 20:59

Assert yourself, op. Tell him clearly all this texting is way too much for you. He sounds like a tennager. Yuck.

TheGreatATuin · 14/01/2022 21:03

I'd really dislike that. A few messages, yes, but not constantly throughout the day.
I've ended a relationship because of this. It drove me nuts.
Expecting someone to constantly be available, glued to their phone and replying quickly to multiple 'chat' texts throughout the day even when working or looking after children is not reasonable imo.

Pinchofnom · 14/01/2022 21:11

I’ve had it both ways and I have finally found a happy medium. Like you, my life is too full and busy to be texting 24/7 and besides, what is there to talk about that much?

Maybe just manage his expectations and tell him.

Original poster
Delawaregirl · 14/01/2022 21:12

We do have calls! I've also told him when I'm going out etc but still get the " How's it going?" etc 20 mins later...followed by " you okay??'

OP posts:
Original poster
Delawaregirl · 14/01/2022 21:13

And no I don't leave the message on blue ticks either.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2022 21:14

Fucking hell, op. Speak up for yourself. He's not a mind reader.

MadMadMadamMim · 14/01/2022 21:25

This would do my head in, and I had a long distance relationship. DP worked away from home all week. He phoned every evening (unless I told him I'd be going out) and we chatted for around an hour, in our earlier life.

I could not be bothered with messaging constantly and neither could he. We both worked full time and were busy. I was a teacher - so I couldn't be constantly texting someone back. It's unprofessional, my phone was switched off in my handbag and I was working - not carrying on a romance with someone. He worked in construction. His phone was left in his van. It would be dangerous to be wandering around a building site checking texts. Besides which, we were being paid to work!

I don't get the neediness of some folks.

Original poster
Delawaregirl · 14/01/2022 21:39

Just trying to gauge if it's red flag stuff, I'm not so good at boundaries. I have said I'm busy etc but then get more messages and 😢 faces sent if I've not responded.

Something else too...when we facetime, if I look elsewhere or thoughtful he'll ask what I'm thinking ..or say something like oh you've got something on your mind, I can tell, go on say what it is etc. It makes me really uncomfortable as I'm quite a shy person and an often just trying to think of something to talk about.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2022 21:54

He's not great with your boundaries.

That's a deal breaker for me Sad

MadMadMadamMim · 14/01/2022 21:54

I have said I'm busy etc but then get more messages and 😢 faces sent if I've not responded.

Yep. That right there is a red flag.

You've told him you are busy - but he is damned if he's going to be ignored. Your wishes are apparently meaningless. Who cares if you are busy? You should prioritise him and he will keep pushing, and paint himself as the victim and guilt you into responding.

I'd throw this one back, OP. He's ignoring boundaries.

SlashBeef · 14/01/2022 21:56

Oh god no the crying faces would finish me off. So unattractive!

Cakecakecheese · 14/01/2022 22:02

He sounds far too needy. You are going to have to tell him the messages are too much.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 14/01/2022 22:04

@Delawaregirl

Just trying to gauge if it's red flag stuff, I'm not so good at boundaries. I have said I'm busy etc but then get more messages and 😢 faces sent if I've not responded.

Something else too...when we facetime, if I look elsewhere or thoughtful he'll ask what I'm thinking ..or say something like oh you've got something on your mind, I can tell, go on say what it is etc. It makes me really uncomfortable as I'm quite a shy person and an often just trying to think of something to talk about.

I would say in future that you don't check messages when you're out with friends as it seems rude to ignore the people in front of you. Ignore the crying faces. If he still pushes it that's a bad sign.

Think up some random questions to throw back at him when he asks what you're thinking. 'I was just thinking of how Miranda was a much better Sex and the City character than Carrie, do you agree?' 'Which do you prefer, Adele or Ed Sheeran?'

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2022 22:11

@Delawaregirl

Just trying to gauge if it's red flag stuff, I'm not so good at boundaries. I have said I'm busy etc but then get more messages and 😢 faces sent if I've not responded.

Something else too...when we facetime, if I look elsewhere or thoughtful he'll ask what I'm thinking ..or say something like oh you've got something on your mind, I can tell, go on say what it is etc. It makes me really uncomfortable as I'm quite a shy person and an often just trying to think of something to talk about.

Jesus, op, raise the bar. He's a fucking child. Time to rid yourself of this anchor around your neck, learn about yourself, and start making better decisions about who you have relationships with.
WhatAShilohPitt · 14/01/2022 23:09

He sounds really needy and clingy. Sad face emojis because you have a job and can’t text constantly? Tell him you are concerned that it looks unprofessional at work to be constantly sending texts to him and that you’ll message at lunch and lunch only. The fact that if he doesn’t get a reply he actually chases you for one rather than getting it into his skull that you are busy would drive me nuts. It’s really off putting and if it continued yes, I’d get rid of him because along with the repeated comments on your thoughts when you pause to think, it sounds like he has a need to just be really irritating, controlling, draining bloody limpet.

WhatAShilohPitt · 14/01/2022 23:15

Actually, having reread all the posts, I think that he needs stronger words. Tell him it is utterly selfish of him to send crying faces when you don’t reply - he’s not a six year old little boy ffs. And tell him it’s bloody irritating and unattractive to be constantly asked inane questions such as ‘are you on’ when you have just told him you are busy. If you have an iPhone, there’s a new function where you can set do not disturb for specific people. It can also be set to tell the person that you are on DND. set one up that just mutes him between 9-5. Really, even having to consider this is beyond a joke.

WhatAShilohPitt · 14/01/2022 23:16

*ok, not on

2Rebecca · 14/01/2022 23:17

I'd hate this and would tell him the constant texts are intrusive and you just want a few texts at lunch and on an evening and no pestering if you're busy. It sounds as though he needs a busier job or a hobby. I'm not a fan of face timing and just do it occasionally

shivabeaver · 14/01/2022 23:23

Tbh the only person I haver been in love with I would have loved any text from. Others I was I a relationship with used to irritate me beyond belief Grin

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