How do I leave my baby's grave?

[Onaloop]

Not really an AIBU but not sure where to post it.

I live abroad. I lost my first baby in 2020 at 19 weeks pregnant. After the birth the hospital said they could offer a burial service where he would be buried with other babies born too early in the previous couple of months with a joint coffin and funeral service. We agreed and we visit his grave every couple of months and on important dates like his due date, birthday, Christmas etc. Its been a useful ritual for me to work through the grief. I did think about seeing if he could be buried in England but we'd just started another lockdown and I couldn't cope with the logistics of organising that at the time.

I had a successful pregnancy last year and now have another baby boy. We are thinking of moving back home to raise our son near family but I feel heartbroken about leaving my first baby here and not being able to attend his grave.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can come to terms with moving away from him? I know its just a mental thing, he isnot really there, but I can't seem to let go of it, or the ritual of going there.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Can you take some soil from near where he is buried and bury it under a plant in your new garden? Or create another ritual.

My DH has watched over the years his parents being tied to repeatedly visiting his older brother’s grave and in the long run it doesn’t seem to be helping them.

I'm very sorry for your loss. This may be a terrible idea but do you have any keepsake or poem or photo of where you live or something tangible which you could frame and could come back with you and be the focus/ 'place' you remember them. I hope this isn't a totally inadequate idea - it is just a thought.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I wonder if you could perhaps consider having a piece of jewellery, tattoo, or object of some kind to remember your lost one with that you can take with you?

That must be so utterly heart breaking for you I’m so sorry to hear that but glad you managed to have another baby. It must be so hard for you to make the choice in the first place to leave your baby’s grave but if it’s best to be close to your family could you make a memorial garden when you move back? Bring things that you have placed on your babies grave and maybe hold a little ceremony of your own or plant a tree that you you could visit and watch grow. God bless you ❤️

Could you ask the hospital if you could have a leaf of flower from the remembrance garden (if thats where the grave is) and then press it and have it in a frame or something similar? Some thing tangible to take with you from where baby is ?

He's in your heart - so wherever you go, he's with you. Always.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Our local church has a wall for memorial plaques, that could be worth investigating. Or as fallagain said maybe take something tangible too to help start a new ritual. One of my dearest friends lost her daughter almost 30 years ago and still goes back to her grave on every birthday, Christmas and other anniversaries - she now has a fair drive to do it but still does. If you can make your memorial a personal thing and something you can move with you if you move again I think that would be lovely x

My first child was stillborn 18 years ago. During the first couple of years we went to visit his grave a lot but now we only go occasionally to check it is tidy. I feel now that he is not there but always with me in my heart. I light a candle every year on his anniversary and make him a card which I put in his rememberence box.

Oh you poor love ❤️ 😞 your baby is in you and you darling son. He will be with you always wherever you go, you don’t have to worry about a place where he is buried he never leaves you x

Is there a flower or tree where he is buried that you take a cutting of and plant in your new home? Or take some soil and plant a rose bush or tree in it?

you can never be parted. You carry his DNA

Take a small box of soil from the area of his grave. Find a beautiful large pot and plant a miniature tree in it, mixing the soil in with the extra soil and compost. I have a miniature Japanese cherry tree.

My second son was stillborn. I don’t know to this day where his body went so I’ve never had a place to visit. What I’ve done ever since is visit military cemeteries in every country we’ve visited and talk to the babies whose mothers had to leave them behind when they returned home.

I also light a candle on his birthday. As long as I’m alive he’ll be loved and remembered. As long as you’re alive your son will be too.

Op so sorry for your loss. I'm a raised catholic and visiting graves of loved ones was always a part of my childhood. I never really made the association tbh. I've lost loved ones as an adult and don't feel the need to go to the graveyard. To me the people we've lost are in our heart. Your dc won't be any less loved or remembered by not going to a graveyard. Perhaps when you move, plant something in their memory in the garden, think of a way you can create that quiet loving place. Give yourself permission to change how your remember your child- it is ok.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

There are some lovely suggestions on here about how you can bring a piece of his resting place home with you. That is all it is though, he is in your heart and your mind, and will never leave you ❤

I understand the need to visit a place though, it can be cathartic. Our local crem has a lovely memorial wall or my nana has a tree with a plaque, so you could look into something like that near to where you will settle.

I am so sorry for your loss. My baby died at 20 weeks 3 years ago and initially like you I visited regularly but somewhere I got caught in life with my living child I found myself remembering my baby but just not in the graveyard. I found the graveyard took me to my grief but when I remembered away from there there are more smiles. Could you find a park or a new special place to visit near your new home? Your baby will always be with you and always in your heart.

" Goodbuys are only for those who love with their eyes,
Because for those who love with their heart and soul there is no such thing as seperation. " (Rumi)
I am sorry for your loss, your son is always with you, he will stay forever in your heart.
I grew blue forget- me- nots in my garden as a beautiful reminder.

I'm so sorry OP. Fo you think maybe taking something of yours and leaving it at your sons grave would help? You could leave something from all of you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm 100 miles from my baby born asleep and my other losses never had graves. We have 7 plants in the garden under a tree by a bench and that's where I sit and visit when I feel lost or miss them. You don't have to have something as big as that, just something meaningful. A teddy with a bag of soil from your baby's grave inside, a certain candle holder where you light a candle when you miss them. A piece of jewellery or keepsake trinket with something meaningful to you in it- their date of birth, name if they have one.

It gets easier to be away from them x

I'm sorry for your loss.
I completely understand.
My dd died 6 years ago. In the very early days when I couldn't sleep, I would go to the cemetery during the night and sit beside her grave in the dark. I was obsessed with going there I went every day and would feel guilty if I didn't go.
DH didn't feel the same way and would only go on birthdays/ anniversaries/Christmas.
6 years on I go 2/3 times a week but now I will go on holiday and be ok about it.
Your beautiful baby is in your heart and will be with you wherever you are.

Sorry for your loss OP

I haven’t experience anything similar myself so I hope this isn’t a totally unhelpful suggestion but do you think it would be possible / helpful to reach out to someone else who’s baby is buried with yours and ask if they could “keep and eye” on Him for you?

If part of your concern is about leaving Him then that might help ease that a little bit. There seem to be some lovely suggestions on this thread of ideas of how could feel connected to Him if that’s your concern.

I hope you find something that works out for you and the move goes smoothly

Sorry for your loss OP. As others have said, your beautiful boy will forever be with you in your head and in your heart.

I would also want a quality photo taken of my whole family together at the graveside. It would help me connect the soil/plant/stones that you bring home to the graveside.

I lost my second child at 21 weeks and he's currently in the cemetery 10 minutes away.
This was 2019.
I went every week until recently.
It's actually my main reason why I don't want to move city let alone country.

My local funeral director said I can get his grave relocated as a costly price.
Maybe look into this?
But let me say, this thread has good ideas.
The soil one especially!
He will always be part of you
Research fetal chimerism.
X
Xx

When a family member passed away, I found a plant with their name. I have one planted in my garden, it helps me feel like they are a little bit closer. So sorry for your loss

My sweet friend back in 1998 felt exactly the same as you. I think she felt it was a second betrayal to leave her dead child.
The living need you more.