How do I leave my baby's grave?

[Onaloop]

Not really an AIBU but not sure where to post it.

I live abroad. I lost my first baby in 2020 at 19 weeks pregnant. After the birth the hospital said they could offer a burial service where he would be buried with other babies born too early in the previous couple of months with a joint coffin and funeral service. We agreed and we visit his grave every couple of months and on important dates like his due date, birthday, Christmas etc. Its been a useful ritual for me to work through the grief. I did think about seeing if he could be buried in England but we'd just started another lockdown and I couldn't cope with the logistics of organising that at the time.

I had a successful pregnancy last year and now have another baby boy. We are thinking of moving back home to raise our son near family but I feel heartbroken about leaving my first baby here and not being able to attend his grave.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can come to terms with moving away from him? I know its just a mental thing, he isnot really there, but I can't seem to let go of it, or the ritual of going there.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

I just wanted to make a practical point here - there really are some lovely suggestions about leaves and soil etc but I think before you do any of that you need to look into the legality of transporting that abroad. I don’t know whereabouts you are, but I know where I live I would not be able to transport soil. I think it would be worth checking the legalities first because it would be absolutely heartbreaking for something you’ve planned to be stopped by border control.

I really hope you do find a good solution. This must be so difficult.

Sorry for your loss op. Remember grief doesn't work in a straight line so feeling it fresh still is fairly normal and you should allow yourself to do so in your way. But do allow yourself to find happiness in your life as well.
If you do find a way to transport some soil you can get sand bracelets now so you could keep your baby close.
www.etsy.com/uk/listing/870160678/sand-capsule-bracelet?gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_uk_en_gb_c-jewelry-bracelets-other&utm_custom1=k_Cj0KCQiAoY-PBhCNARIsABcz773XbfJ4Mh5evoZ7roo0RrCFZkM_eRHntullYYEh3RdU1D68kbsjtuYaAkOZEALw_wcB_k&utm_content=go_12604681827_120069577859_508814468540_aud-1184048147899:pla-311089094589_m__870160678engb_469742196&utm_custom2=12604681827&gclid=Cj0KCQiAoY-PBhCNARIsABcz773XbfJ4Mh5evoZ7roo0RrCFZkM_eRHntullYYEh3RdU1D68kbsjtuYaAkOZEALw_wcB

leaving doesnt mean you cant go back and visit the grave

He is in your heart and your memory, and will always be with you.

I'm so sorry for your loss...

One idea I don't think has been suggested yet, Is maybe videoing one of your trips to the grave..... perhaps you can replay it when you want to 'be in that place' again.

I do also think the power of mind and soul is tremendous. Just sitting, quietly, transporting yourself back, taking each step and going there in your mind, being with your baby in any way that feels right, might also help?

@Blossomtoes

My second son was stillborn. I don’t know to this day where his body went so I’ve never had a place to visit. What I’ve done ever since is visit military cemeteries in every country we’ve visited and talk to the babies whose mothers had to leave them behind when they returned home.

I also light a candle on his birthday. As long as I’m alive he’ll be loved and remembered. As long as you’re alive your son will be too.

What a lovely thing to do 🥰

Could you have a memorial bench for him in a local park or beauty spot to visit? We have one for my grandma looking out to sea and I visit that more than her grave. I’m so sorry for your loss, it must be so hard

Would it help if you made a promise to yourself that you would go back every so often to visit ? Be it every year or every 5 years and try to make it part of something special like a regular tradition then you won’t feel like you’re leaving that part of you life behind ?

Maybe a photo of the grave in a lovely frame, a cutting of a plant from there you could re plant at home and just little things to keep a visual connection ?

I’m so sorry you are going through this , I lost my first at a similar stage. 21 years ago. The pain is still as raw as if it were yesterday but the time spent crying is less than it was those first few years so in a way although time doesn’t ever heal or reduce the intensity of the pain the gaps between the really awful moments of grief increase if that offers any comfort

Thinking of you x

Yes some beautiful suggestions here op.

I was also thinking perhaps you could grow something or plant a seed near his grave then see if you can take a little soil from near him...to grow something in England.

Somebody also suggested a leaf or petal from near his grave to keep.

I'm very sorry for your loss op. You are well and truly keeping baby's memory alive. Thinking of you all.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

He's in your heart - so wherever you go, he's with you. Always.

This. But the idea of a cutting from one of the plants to grow or press; or taking some soil with you, are lovely if you think that would help.

You won’t leave him, wherever you are. But it might help to lessen your visits and see how that goes, before you make the move - if you find it’s not something you can do right now, that’s okay too. Some people find massive comfort in visiting resting places.