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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member keeps borrowing money, AIBU to say no?

35 replies

WoodSageandSeasalt · 14/01/2022 10:36

I earn slightly above average but as I'm single I don't have loads of spare cash - running a house on one salary isn't cheap! I do have enough for the odd treat though and also have some savings from my divorce settlement which I rely on for emergencies.

Family member who I'm fairly close to has been in and out of work most of their life and is not the best with money or being responsible.

They keep coming to me (and I know the ask other family members as well) to borrow money when they are short. They always pay it back but within a few weeks they're back asking for a short term loan again. It's only ever £50-100 but I usually need to borrow this from my savings as I don't always have it to spare depending on how far away payday is.

They have asked to borrow some money again today. AIBU to say no this time? On the one hand it doesn't really affect me as I have the money to lend but on the other I feel like a bit of a mug and also that it doesn't teach them anything about managing their finances if I keep bailing them out. But is it my responsibility to 'teach' an adult and should I just be a nice person and glad that I'm in a position to help?

OP posts:
BlowDryRat · 14/01/2022 10:39

YANBU. You are never obliged to lend money to anyone. They are an adult and you are not a bank.

Topseyt · 14/01/2022 10:40

I wouldn't lend it. Just say that you personally are no longer in a position to keep helping out because your own finances no longer allow it.

There could well come a point where they stop paying it back. Don't run that risk any longer.

Rainbowshine · 14/01/2022 10:48

YANBU. Adults are responsible for their own finances and if it was a one off emergency that’s one thing, but your describing habitual behaviour.

My response to this would be a clear no but signposting support:

“I know I’ve helped in the past but I can’t cover your shortfalls any further than I have already. I have a budget for each month and all of my expenses, known ones and for emergencies, and don’t have spare money these days given the increase in energy bills and so on. I suggest you look online for a budgeting tool to help you with your own outgoings. It’s really worked for me.”

Hope you get it sorted @WoodSageandSeasalt

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/01/2022 11:09

Yes do say no.

Probably easiest to have a reason - pension contributions have increased, and energy bills up.

You also might suggest they book an appointment with step change to help them manage money better, and also offer to take a look at any written job applications they need to do (if you want.)

Kelly7889 · 14/01/2022 11:13

"Neither a Borrower Nor a Lender Be" - from Hamlet.

£50-£100 and you are having to take it from your savings????

Don't lend or borrow money! It always leads to trouble. Let the person use a bank or a credit union and start saying no. And - asking to borrow anything more than a tenner for an emergency is absolutely abuse of your kindness.

Notimeforaname · 14/01/2022 11:17

Stop it now . I got sucked into this with the family of a friend. I felt bad..only €20 -€50 always paid back the next week then they asked for a large amount. Said they'd pay it weekly. I got one week and after 2 years got 80% back in a lump. Still during those two years they would ask me for the 20...50...I just kept saying no or not answering them. They ask someone else now.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 14/01/2022 11:18

Sending them links to offers and other saving ideas would be better. They are too reliant on you.

Crabwoman · 14/01/2022 11:19

Just say,

"sorry I can't afford to, it's leaving me short every month". (Which it is, if you are using money from savings)

If they question it, just say bills have gone up.

You shouldn't to explain it any more than that.

FabriqueBelgique · 14/01/2022 11:19

“Yes but this will have to be the last time! Starting to feel like a bank lol” will do the trick.

Original poster
WoodSageandSeasalt · 14/01/2022 11:25

@FabriqueBelgique I said that the last time and thought the message had hit home but clearly not 🤦🏻

OP posts:
errnerrcallnernnernnern · 14/01/2022 11:28

YANBU. I know ‘No is a complete sentence’ but I would say something like I’ve increased my pension contribution or got a new cost (e.g. life or contents insurance payments) which means you no longer have money to lend.

Gassylady · 14/01/2022 11:31

Well if you already said the last time last time as it were then that has to have been the LAST TIME. Otherwise when you say last time what there here is "I always give the money so please keep asking!"

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 14/01/2022 11:32

Respond to their request for a loan by saying you had intended to ask them for a loan as you're short this month. Leave it hanging there.

puffyisgood · 14/01/2022 11:35

YANBU. Asking a family member for money puts them in a really invidious position, i hate it.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/01/2022 11:38

Not mean at all. Suppose another family member fell on truly hard times and desperately needed a loan but you couldn't help because you'd already lent it to the regular sponger? Or even, your fridge broke and you couldn't replace it until they paid you back? Savings are for emergencies. This is clearly not an emergency, more like a budget plan insofar as Feckless Relative has one.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 14/01/2022 11:40

@Gassylady

Well if you already said the last time last time as it were then that has to have been the LAST TIME. Otherwise when you say last time what there here is "I always give the money so please keep asking!"
This!
BooksAndGin · 14/01/2022 11:45

I had this from an family member. Constantly asking to borrow money, In the end I bluntly told them I'm not a bank and they needed to sort their bills out and stop asking. Ingored them after that.
Now they borrow off their aunt instead, and got her into thousands of pounds worth of debt. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Natty13 · 14/01/2022 11:47

[quote WoodSageandSeasalt]@FabriqueBelgique I said that the last time and thought the message had hit home but clearly not 🤦🏻[/quote]
The message will only hit home when you stop lending money. Remind them that last time you said it would be the final time you could lend them as you are dipping in your savings.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/01/2022 11:52

The message will only hit home when you stop lending money. Remind them that last time you said it would be the final time you could lend them as you are dipping in your savings.

I'd leave off the last part of that sentence as all they will hear is "I have savings", and that will translate into "so I am ok to keep lending to you" even if the rest of what you said was the opposite.

pansypotter123 · 14/01/2022 11:56
  • @FabriqueBelgique I said that the last time and thought the message had hit home but clearly not* 🤦🏻

So now is the time for you to set your own boundaries and follow what you said through, otherwise where will this all end?

Everyone's bills are set to rise, including, I assume, your family member's. It is almost inevitable that they will start to increase the amount they are asking for. Under no circumstances let them know about your savings.

Why are they in this position, by the way?

Original poster
WoodSageandSeasalt · 14/01/2022 12:02

Thanks all, I have said no without making too many excuses just that I'm not in a position to help. Luckily they accepted it with no apparent hard feeling.

@pansypotter123 they've never been very good with money or sticking to a job but I don't think all of us bailing them out helps, they need to stand on their own two feet like the rest of us have to - harsh but true

OP posts:
godmum56 · 14/01/2022 12:03

Its not your responsibility to teach and adult, neither is it your responsibility to be nice to them. If you are having to pull it out of your savings, I would suggest that you can't afford it unless you have got millions saved. I'd be saying no.
as an aside, i wonder if they are borrowing off others to pay you back or borrowing off you to pay others back?

BashStreetKid · 14/01/2022 12:09

Of course you should say no. Ultimately you'll be doing your family member a favour by teaching them how to keep within their income - provided, of course, other potential lenders do the same.

longtompot · 14/01/2022 12:11

Yanbu. I would just say I'm sorry but I can't help you out this time. What happens when one day they can't pay you back? You'll be the one struggling despite being the one who is careful with their money.

HikingforScenery · 14/01/2022 12:12

I’d not mind because as you say, thru always pay it back.

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