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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think neighbour & friend has ghosted you

36 replies

Ems11 · 14/01/2022 08:25

Looking for advice. For the last 6 years my dd has been friends with our neighbours two little girls. As they have gotten older my daughter & one of the daughters get on better. The other girl chooses not to call for my daughter & likes her own company ( her mother’s words).
The mother and me had become really good friends, we have been away together, nights out together etc & I classed her as a really good friend. Our girls are all in some activities together swimming & dancing.

There had been some squabbles with the two sisters in my home & one of the sisters always gets the blame sometimes when it’s the other.
I’ve noticed a complete backing off on the mother’s part in the last few months & the little girls have stopped calling all of a sudden. I thought it strange but didn’t know how to approach it. I did eventually and I am gobsmacked by why.
My daughter and one of hers were messaging each other & my daughter had said one or two not so nice things ‘bitch & I hate u. She actually had screen shots of this. This happened months ago. I asked her why she never said anything before & she said she’d just been busy. She lives 3 doors away.
I asked my daughter why she said those nasty things & she said her and the girl was messaging and all of a sudden the girl said I am not talking to you anymore, my daughter kept asking her why and eventually said what she said which was wrong. My daughter was so upset as she said she misses her friends & doesn’t know why they are not her friends anymore. The mother said one of the daughters misses mine too but she didn’t call as she was being loyal to her sister.

My issue is why didn’t she say it to me so we could deal with it and sort it out?

Why back off and say nothing when I valued her as a good friend.

Do you think it’s because when the 3 of them are together on occasion the sisters argue.

She has also said before that if one wants to call and the other doesn’t they both can’t as sisters have to stick together.

All sounds so petty but I am hurt & my daughter is hurt as they were a big part of our lives and now it’s just gone.

Should I leave well enough alone now?

OP posts:
Josette77 · 14/01/2022 08:30

I think your friend didn't know how to approach it. Leave it alone. Also if one dd is being left out the mom may just decide a break is needed.
How old are they?

Original poster
Ems11 · 14/01/2022 08:40

10/11, she is not left out. She doesn’t want to play most of the time. Does that mean the other sister can’t either? I’m genuinely curious as I don’t have children close in age.

And I agree if a break is needed just let me know. I thought we were close enough that she could come to me.

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 14/01/2022 08:42

Leave it alone. How old are the three girls?

Depending on her age, are you checking your daughter's phone to see messages like this? Because you need to be. It's very hard important to discussion things like phone and Internet safety and how to have appropriate conversations including consequences of things like sending a mean message.

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/talking-child-online-safety/

SilverHairedCat · 14/01/2022 08:44

Also, just because the parents are friends doesn't mean the kids like each other. My mum used to force me to spend time with kids I absolutely loathed this way but it wasn't a convenient for her so I had to go along.

Original poster
Ems11 · 14/01/2022 08:50

@SilverHairedCat it started off with the girls being friends and we became friends through them.
I think that issue is one of the girls and my daughter get on better than the other. I don’t think that can be helped it’s just the way it is. But it’s a case of either both play or none play with the mother I think.

Also I have taken the phone from my daughter as a punishment and have told her in no uncertain terms that she is not to say the things she said again. Her explanation was she didn’t know why her friend didn’t want to talk to her anymore & she lashed out. She won’t get the phone back until I feel she is mature enough.

OP posts:
Seeline · 14/01/2022 08:52

Making the two sisters stick together the whole time is weird - unless the Mum just wanted some kid free time.

However the message your DD sent was horrible, especially for a 10yo. I hope you dealt with that. I also think you should be checking your DD's phone regularly. She is too young to be left unmonitored.

At that age, kids friends groups change frequently. I think you and she just have to move in from it.

Throughabushbackwards · 14/01/2022 08:53

Your daughter was nasty and so the mother has quietly backed out of the friendship in a quiet and dignified way. Leave it be.

phishy · 14/01/2022 08:57

If my daughter received messages saying ‘bitch’ and ‘I hate you’, I wouldn’t let them hang out again.

Awful language. I never spoke to friends like that. It sounds like these girls got sick of your daughter’s behaviour.

You seem more upset that your daughter is ‘hurt’ rather than her awful language.

phishy · 14/01/2022 08:58

[quote Ems11]@SilverHairedCat it started off with the girls being friends and we became friends through them.
I think that issue is one of the girls and my daughter get on better than the other. I don’t think that can be helped it’s just the way it is. But it’s a case of either both play or none play with the mother I think.

Also I have taken the phone from my daughter as a punishment and have told her in no uncertain terms that she is not to say the things she said again. Her explanation was she didn’t know why her friend didn’t want to talk to her anymore & she lashed out. She won’t get the phone back until I feel she is mature enough.[/quote]
I think that issue is one of the girls and my daughter get on better than the other.

I think the issue is your daughter calling her an bitch.

anon12345678901 · 14/01/2022 09:03

I agree with @phishy , the issue is what your daughter said. I'd be teaching her it's not appropriate to call a friend a bitch, and that it can lose her friends. The mother has behaved fine.

Holly60 · 14/01/2022 09:06

I agree that if I had seen a message like that sent to my daughter I wouldn’t want her to be friends with that girl any more. It wouldn’t even matter if the other girl apologised, I would never teach my DD that someone can say that to her but then apologise after to make it better.

If you translate it to a male/female relationship would you feel that a woman should be encouraged to continue a relationship with a man who had called her a bitch and told her he hated her, just because he apologised afterwards. Um, no.

It’s a learning opportunity for your daughter, use vile bullying language against someone, and you lose a friend.

Pinkdelight3 · 14/01/2022 09:07

Those things she wrote aren't 'not nice', they're horrible, at any age, but especially at 10. You're minimising and looking for blame on the other side (the sisters not getting on, one of them liking your DD more than the other, even being cross at neighbour for ghosting rather than dealing with it as well as you think you'd have done), which suggests even if she had come to you, you wouldn't necessarily have sorted it out to her satisfaction. At that age, they shouldn't be messaging unsupervised - clearly they're not capable of managing a relationship that way, as when someone wants out of the convo, they should be allowed to do so and not be hassled and 'lashed out' at. You only have to see the relationships board here for how much trouble and upset texting instead of talking can cause. Your DD went too far and has hopefully learnt a valuable lesson. But as far as this friendship goes, they're young and will be branching out into new friendships at secondary soon, based on more than living close by.

Original poster
Ems11 · 14/01/2022 09:08

I think everyone is missing the point.

The backing off and not playing together happened months before this incident. She messaged her friend and the friend said she didn’t want to talk to her anymore. There is no excuse for what she said but kids are immature and say things they don’t mean, I’m sure she isn’t the first or last. I have always monitored her phone but she obviously deleted this message as I didn’t see it.

OP posts:
phishy · 14/01/2022 09:11

So then it’s entirely possible that your daughter has been sending nasty messages to them months ago (deleting them afterwards so you didn’t know) and which is why they stopped playing with her.

3scape · 14/01/2022 09:11

I wouldn't do anything to encourage my child to remain friends with someone who was sending them insulting messages and I'd probably avoid the family too. Your child is obviously not ready to have a phone.

Original poster
Ems11 · 14/01/2022 09:13

I asked this question and the mother said that was the only message sent

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 14/01/2022 09:13

The timeline doesn't really matter - you can't force kids to be friends. If the girls wanted to be friends and they all live 3 doors away from each other, they would have knocked on each others doors.

Kids friendships at this age change rapidly. Secondary school is going to be a fright for you and your DD - definitely give her some support and teach her resilience when other kids are mean to her because if she responds similarly later on, she'll end up the social pariah even if she's not the one who started it.

Phones are such a minefield, especially for kids.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 14/01/2022 09:13

As the other mother I wouldn't want either of my children to be friendly with someone who was nasty to one of them

I'd also not want to spend my precious time discussing it with you at a very busy time of year

Unfortunately your DD has learned a lesson the hard way

A580Hojas · 14/01/2022 09:17

It's a real shame and I feel for you. It's horrible when adult friendships break down because the children no longer get on but it does happen a lot. Children can be absolutely foul to each other, especially when not face to face, I hope your dd has learned some life lessons from this - you will need to support each other in the loss of your friendships! New friends will turn up though, don't worry Flowers.

FizzyTango · 14/01/2022 09:25

Sorry but I’m totally on the other mum’s side and she did the right thing. As the quieter, more introverted sister myself, this is exactly what happened to me. And it’s horrible, even if your daughter naturally got on better with one of them. Loyalty between sisters should come first.

Also you excusing your daughter’s mean language isn’t on either. “Kids say things they don’t mean”. Bullshit! It was nasty language and she shouldn’t have done it. People make mistakes fair enough, but dismissing it the way you have only sets her up to continue to behave that way. Use it as a teaching moment. There is no excuse to be mean to people, talk to your daughter and nip it in the bud now!

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 14/01/2022 09:26

I think that issue is one of the girls and my daughter get on better than the other. I don’t think that can be helped it’s just the way it is

If you REALLY think THIS is the issue...then I think the other mother was 100% right not to bother talking to you about it Hmm!

Original poster
Ems11 · 14/01/2022 09:41

What do you think the REAL issue is?

OP posts:
Undecided1985 · 14/01/2022 09:41

I think its such a shame and your daughter probably does feel rotten about it.

Its not the other mums fault at all and i think she behaved as many would.

We had an incident with one of our children a boy made a false accusation it was a serious one but was probably meant by the other boy on a jokey way with him not understanding the potential consequences of what he said - they were both 10 at the time. The boys were friends but a lone had been crossed and that was that. Also got to be honest and say it really p*ssed me off when the other child's parent got in touch to say "oh x is really sorry and so upset about it all i will make sure he says sorry so it doesn't harm their friendship" the friendship was over the minute the boy said the false allegation which byw caused my son a lot of upset and the idea that some parents are so tone deaf that they think in every situation their child can be portrayed as the victim even when it is them being mean really was the end for me.

The shame was that the boy just was probably being a bit silly out of jealousy but a line had been crossed.

May be different for you but I would get your daughter to perhaps write an apology note and then move on.

Undecided1985 · 14/01/2022 09:42

apols for all the typos i meant a line had been crossed not a lone!!

JustLyra · 14/01/2022 09:49

@Ems11

What do you think the REAL issue is?
That your daughter lashed out in such a nasty way is the issue.

Your DD can’t have been that upset or she’d have told you about the text spat in the few months before you brought it up with the other Mum.

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