To think neighbour & friend has ghosted you

[Ems11]

Looking for advice. For the last 6 years my dd has been friends with our neighbours two little girls. As they have gotten older my daughter & one of the daughters get on better. The other girl chooses not to call for my daughter & likes her own company ( her mother’s words).
The mother and me had become really good friends, we have been away together, nights out together etc & I classed her as a really good friend. Our girls are all in some activities together swimming & dancing.

There had been some squabbles with the two sisters in my home & one of the sisters always gets the blame sometimes when it’s the other.
I’ve noticed a complete backing off on the mother’s part in the last few months & the little girls have stopped calling all of a sudden. I thought it strange but didn’t know how to approach it. I did eventually and I am gobsmacked by why.
My daughter and one of hers were messaging each other & my daughter had said one or two not so nice things ‘bitch & I hate u. She actually had screen shots of this. This happened months ago. I asked her why she never said anything before & she said she’d just been busy. She lives 3 doors away.
I asked my daughter why she said those nasty things & she said her and the girl was messaging and all of a sudden the girl said I am not talking to you anymore, my daughter kept asking her why and eventually said what she said which was wrong. My daughter was so upset as she said she misses her friends & doesn’t know why they are not her friends anymore. The mother said one of the daughters misses mine too but she didn’t call as she was being loyal to her sister.

My issue is why didn’t she say it to me so we could deal with it and sort it out?

Why back off and say nothing when I valued her as a good friend.

Do you think it’s because when the 3 of them are together on occasion the sisters argue.

She has also said before that if one wants to call and the other doesn’t they both can’t as sisters have to stick together.

All sounds so petty but I am hurt & my daughter is hurt as they were a big part of our lives and now it’s just gone.

Should I leave well enough alone now?

Your dd should not have sent that message, no question about it. That said, I do feel sorry for the more extrovert sister if she is kept back if her sister doesn't want to do something. She should be allowed to develop her own interests and friendships.

It does sound like the other girl simply does not want to be friends anymore. She was avoiding your DD and your DD then lashed out, giving her a perfect explanation as to why she no longer wants to be friends.

I would just leave it. Your DD will make new friends in secondary school, and she will hopefully have learnt a lesson about how to treat friends.

Your neighbour wants you to back off, respect her wishes

I will. She was also my friend and I thought we could have talked about things if that was the case.

I am fully aware of what she said being wrong and it shouldn’t have happened.I am also aware these are all children we are talking about. I have two older children and I have seen stuff like this before. It’s not exclusive to my child, it happens every day of the week with children be it right or wrong.
This is the first instance of it I asked the mother was there anymore and I’m sure she’d have told me of there was.

I will take the hint and will teach my daughter a valuable lesson as I am in agreement with everyone, it was wrong.

I thought we were friends in our own right regardless of the kids but seems not

I can see why your daughter was angry and frustrated so said something she shouldn’t have.
You know what she said was wrong and she’s had a punishment for this so I don’t know why posters are harping on about it.
I would say the twin who wasn’t being included ( even if she didn’t want to be - to the mother it may have appeared she was being left out ) is probably why mum decided to distance from you:
Maybe the daughter who was more friendly with yours was also upset and frustrated by this so isn’t of explaining what was going on as possibly too young / immature to know how to word this simply role your daughter she didn’t want to play anymore which of course upset your daughter as she’s done nothing wrong from what you said.
Sadly parents are generally the issue rather than the kids but once the damage is done it’s very hard to rectify.
I really hope you and your daughter are ok

I posted just as you replied.
Honestly, sad as it seems friends are only friends as long as no issues between kids.
Been there many a time - it’s awful but parents naturally defend and believe their own children’s version of events.
The best thing I did was actually making friends of parents that weren’t my kids friends mothers - that way we were friends because we genuinely liked each other and no nonsense between the kids to fall out about!

It’s a learning opportunity for your daughter, use vile bullying language against someone, and you lose a friend.

This, I'm afraid. If another child spoke that way to my DD then I'd quietly back away from associating with them too.

@Ems11

What do you think the REAL issue is?

From this post, I would say YOU are the real issue tbh.

Thinking the other mother is wrong for not telling you, when actually she knows what was going on as she is obviously well aware of what her daughter is doing. You, it appears, are not aware of your DD's text - until you are told. How embarrassing.

And then saying you thought the other Mother was a friend and should have told you?! Stop blaming other people, and check what on earth you child is doing and saying.

God I hope you always stay perfect @TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes and your children also.
I hope you never have any issues with your children where you need advice. Is that not what Mumsnet is for?
Take your judgemental attitude elsewhere and know when you are raring you should be sparing as no one knows what is around the corner.

I think all you can do is have your daughter write a sincere letter of apology and let it go. Maybe time will fix it.

I think the mother just took the easy route of avoidance. It’s hurtful and not particularly mature, but that’s how she apparently handles things.

Op I honestly don't know why you are getting such a hard time here
If you were such good friends to go away together the mother should have said something to you, even if it was I think the kids are a bad combo but lets not let it affect our friendship etc
Also kids say mean things all the time, especially at that age, it doesn't mean anything most of the time

10 is still young, I would think it was much more sinister at 13 for instance and would discourage the friendship then