Blood Groups

[DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight]

I’m not married but will use the in law abbreviations for ease.

I went to a family dinner at my PIL’s house on Saturday and FIL was playing ‘Supermarkets’ with the kids there and he used his blood donor card as a pretend credit card; I noticed that his blood group is A. Now a few years ago MIL and SIL donated blood at a drive I was volunteering at and I know for a fact that they are both blood group A as well. The thing is, my DP is AB.

I did some googling and know there can be rare variations in blood type when the O blood group is involved (either the parents or the resulting children) but as far as I can see random B’s can’t just pop up without a biological parent carrying it, is that right? I didn’t do too well in biology so I’m hoping some of you lovely people can give me a definitive answer either way as I can’t help but jump to conclusions here.

(I left out the +/- as I don’t think they make a difference but can add them if they do).

If the situation is as I suspect though, should I tell DP? There’s a whole complicated backstory involved and I don’t want to cause any trouble but at the same time, I would want to know if it was me and DP is very much that type of person too.

YABU - Leave well enough alone and keep your trap shut.

YANBU - Speak to DP about if it if there isn’t a simple explanation.

Thank you!

Thank you very much to all of you who were kind and helpful and have shared your stories, I really appreciate it and you’ve given me a lot to think about!

To give more insight, DP has always had a bad relationship with MIL, she has always been cold / uncaring towards him and treated him differently to his other siblings (by the siblings’ own admission too). He’s been in therapy for years and has made peace with the fact he will never have the relationship he wants with MIL but the part that still troubles him is the ‘why’. Why does she treat him differently, why does she not love him etc. It’s the not having answers which is the worst part. It’s ruined his self esteem and to this day on some level, he thinks he’s doing something wrong or there’s something fundamentally wrong with him that makes him unlovable / unworthy as she’s obviously capable of being a loving, caring mother to his siblings therefore he must be the problem. This has leached into every part of his life and governs his behaviour as he tries to be perfect / a people pleaser in order to be liked and it got to the point that he had a breakdown a few years ago as he couldn’t keep up the pretence. He’s also medicated for anxiety and depression.

It breaks my heart seeing how he struggles everyday and if there is a question mark around his parentage (still conjecture at this point) then it may give him the answers he’s looking for and bring him some peace. Of course it could make everything 10 times worse too which is why I’m struggling with this. As PPs have said, I do know my DP better than the Internet and I do think he would want to know, he’s even said as much albeit in a different context.

I’m also aware that there might be some trauma involving MIL here and I want to be sensitive to that but at the end of the day, my priority has to be DP.

I’ve decided I’m going to speak to him but in a very casual way and will just point out what I’ve observed (and not make any insinuations) and I may also suggest ancestry DNA kits as well so thank you to the posters who have suggested that. After that the ball will be in his court and it’s up to him what he does with the information.

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

No your response doesn't change things. Literally the only reason you had that info/had that discussion afterwards, was due to your role at a health event for which you should have displayed more control over your nosiness.

Read my posts, I’m not arguing about my nosiness or self control, I’ve admitted as much and clearly said I should I have kept out of it. My explanation was in direct response to those accusing me of breaking GDPR / misusing confidential information / not abiding by the law, none of which applies to me which is why I clarified.

It could quite easily have been both donor cards being used in the play shopping. I only know DH and I's blood type as its on our ID tags for deploying. I think the "how" the OP gained this info is actually a red herring. She could have just easily have asked every adult in the room playing the game just for shits and giggles.

The fact DH has a fractured relationship with his mother and the blood type issue, I would be more inclined to talk with him about it as it clearly holds the answers he needs to be content in life. I certainly would get a DNA testing kit that would outwardly make it obvious, that would be callous IMO.

OP I have been a Mumsnet lurker for over a decade and this is the only thread I have ever felt compelled to get involved in - in order to say that I don't think you are a despicable person, and I don't think you have breached GDPR! Clearly you care deeply for your husband and this is definitely a tricky situation, and I think keeping information like that away from my own DP would be very hard indeed and not something you could 'just forget about'. Good luck in trying to navigate this situation.

Thank you @CombatBarbie and I take your point, I didn’t look at it from that point of view. I was going to approach it in a ‘can’t genetics be a funny thing, maybe we can do an ancestry kit to find out more’ type way but I think you’re right and I will just have a talk with him and not mention anything about DNA unless he brings it up.

@PuppyPerson

OP I have been a Mumsnet lurker for over a decade and this is the only thread I have ever felt compelled to get involved in - in order to say that I don't think you are a despicable person, and I don't think you have breached GDPR! Clearly you care deeply for your husband and this is definitely a tricky situation, and I think keeping information like that away from my own DP would be very hard indeed and not something you could 'just forget about'. Good luck in trying to navigate this situation.

Thank you so much for this, I feel so many people are misconstruing my intentions when I honestly am just trying to do the right thing by my DP so I really appreciate your post.

I think you are 100% doing the right thing. Of course its your business

Could your DH be his dad's child to another woman, brought up by him & his wife - hence the poor relationship between them?

@CombatBarbie

It could quite easily have been both donor cards being used in the play shopping. I only know DH and I's blood type as its on our ID tags for deploying. I think the "how" the OP gained this info is actually a red herring. She could have just easily have asked every adult in the room playing the game just for shits and giggles.

The fact DH has a fractured relationship with his mother and the blood type issue, I would be more inclined to talk with him about it as it clearly holds the answers he needs to be content in life. I certainly would get a DNA testing kit that would outwardly make it obvious, that would be callous IMO.

Obviously I meant I wouldn't get an ancestry kit, but think you got my point.

Purely speculation but it's either illegitimate child of dad or child conceived out of abuse. Both would explain why mum is so cold.

Of course you say something to him!!! You’re his partner, your loyalty is to him.

Hope it goes ok

I personally would have to tell him, because surely it’s worse having to keep a secret from your other half than it is to tell them and there be some initial upset. That’s just my opinion though

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

No your response doesn't change things. Literally the only reason you had that info/had that discussion afterwards, was due to your role at a health event for which you should have displayed more control over your nosiness.

Exactly. It was really not on, however from the off it sounds like you had already made up your mind to tell him. Let the shit storm begin.

Perhaps next time, you’ll be more professional and keep your nose out of others’ conversations.

Perhaps next time, you’ll be more professional and keep your nose out of others’ conversations.

She was volunteering handing out tea & biscuits in the room where people were freely discussing their blood groups. Not sure what's 'professional' about that.

I am B-, my mum says she's A+, my dad was O- "universal donor with something special about it so they always wanted him to donate". I don't know if he was Bombay blood group or something, or if mum remembers hers wrong (v unlikely) but I definitely came from them. There are so many people on this earth that highly unlikely things do happen fairly often.