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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend at DD's birthday party

64 replies

steph8877 · 13/01/2022 12:54

I recently held a birthday party for DD (age 9) at home with a few of her friends from school. Unwrapped presents, had games, food, music etc and all seemed to go well.
One of her friends who attended bought her a present which I saw her unwrap at the time. Fast forward to bed time after the party I was tidying up and helping DD take presents to her room. Present from said friend was missing. Checked in case it had been accidently thrown in water waste bin but wasn't there.
A few days later, my DD was at said friend's house and noticed it there (same item, complete with packaging intact). Didn't say/do anything as was too shocked and upset.
Looks like friend gave the present to DD but then took it back straight away before leaving party. WWYD?

OP posts:
verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 13/01/2022 15:00

No one said OP should accuse the friends DD of theft! . It's not unreasonable to state then facts though as suggested earlier

Just message the parents and say 'Thankyou for the pressie of xyz with her initials XX for DDs birthday. (..We think friend may have accidentally taken it home with her as ..) it disappeared after birthday party and DD saw same item with her initials XX on them at your house yesterday and was really confused. Could you please check for us? Thankyou"

ittakes2 · 13/01/2022 15:01

"I don't understand how people can think it is acceptable to not say anything to her parents."
...because all we care about is the effects of a possible fallout on her innocent daughter. Not a present that will not change her daughter's life. As previous poster said - if OP was close enough to the other mum she would have mentioned it to the other mum already and not have posted on mumsnet.
The other girl is a thief - but something to leave the other mum to deal with. A thief will not take kindly to be called out and will likely then target this innocent girl in school.

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 13/01/2022 15:01

Aunt it would be better to word it like this
'Thankyou for the pressie of xyz with her initials XX for DDs birthday. We wonder if friend may have accidentally taken it home with her as it disappeared after birthday party and DD saw same item with her initials XX on them at your house yesterday and was really confused. Could you please check for us? Thankyou"

BettyOBarley · 13/01/2022 15:07

Totally agree. At the end of the day it’s a gift they gave rather than the child stealing something of yours or a gift another child gave your DD. Just tell your DD that that’s very strange behaviour to take back a gift but I don’t really think it’s worth saying anything.

This.
It is very weird behaviour but as it was a gift and not something she'd stolen from your daughter, personally I'd let it go and not invite that child again.

CallmeIT · 13/01/2022 15:08

I’m with ittakes2 on this as well. My own DD had a friend who in this situation would have lied to their parent and said that the birthday girl was rude about the present and returned it. (And their mother would believe anything, no matter how improbable).

It might nit be the same here but I’d not risk a poorer outcome for your daughter. I assume it wasn’t a high value gift. Your DD can make her mind up about this friend as time passes.

Branleuse · 13/01/2022 15:10

@Valeriekat

She stole it! I don't understand how people can think it is acceptable to not say anything to her parents. She knows that your daughter knows. You have to say something to her Mum.
Because if you get involved in every kids squabble, where does it end? Who has time for that?
Anoisagusaris · 13/01/2022 15:11

Not the point of the thread but no one opens presents at parties here. It’s not a nice thing to do, embarrassing for a child who didn’t bring a present.

wolfstarling · 13/01/2022 15:11

I wouldn't mention it tbh.

Sally872 · 13/01/2022 15:21

It's shit but I wouldn't bother speaking to the mum unless a close friend who I cared about.

I would use it as a learning experience, tell dd that's not tue behaviour of a good friend. Perhaps she is having a hard time but if she often treats you like that distance yourself. And I would replace the gift so dd hasn't lost anything.

BoredZelda · 13/01/2022 15:54

Very strange that nobody saw her take it away, doesn’t sound like a tiny pocket sized gift, especially as you are so observant you could tell from a pile of gifts it was missing. I couldn’t tell you what my daughter got at her last party. Also strange your daughter never mentioned it to the girl, that would be an obvious conversation to have.

I’d replace it and move on. Not worth the drama. Certainly not worth banning the other child, just be more observant when they leave in case they have stuck the TV down their jacket on their way out.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 13/01/2022 16:28

2 choices.. Text the dm or never invite the girl to your home again.
She is a thief...
Obviously mention to her dm thanks for the gift of x but your dd noticed her dd had taken it back.

topayornottopay · 13/01/2022 16:33

@verytiredofbeingshoutedat

Aunt it would be better to word it like this 'Thankyou for the pressie of xyz with her initials XX for DDs birthday. We wonder if friend may have accidentally taken it home with her as it disappeared after birthday party and DD saw same item with her initials XX on them at your house yesterday and was really confused. Could you please check for us? Thankyou"
I'd agree with this. Also you don't know that the parents are unaware the gift is back in their house. I expect they have seen it there. They would have questioned their dc on it surely. And I expect were given an answer such as I have it because friend didn't like it/want it so said I could bring it home. If that is the case they are probably thinking what a rude and ungrateful child your dd is!!
RainbowBridge21 · 13/01/2022 16:34

Maybe say that your dd took it to friend's house and left it there, could she have a look for it? Then you're not accusing anyone but you're tackling it.

Colderthanever · 13/01/2022 16:40

Hmmm, what’s the odds of your daughter seeing it but not the mother? Doesn’t seem it was hidden, and most parents at least cursory look in their child’s room.

StellaDarkley · 13/01/2022 16:49

Nothing

phishy · 13/01/2022 16:50

Does dd want to ask her friend why she took the present back? If yes, let her, this is a good lesson in being assertive.

If she doesn’t want to ask then you should ask friend’s mum.

If the present is returned, then they can stay friends but I wouldn’t give the friend a present at her next birthday party. Turn up empty handed.

phishy · 13/01/2022 16:50

*isn’t returned

HandWash · 13/01/2022 16:52

I wouldn't say anything. I find it hard to believe that the girl's parents haven't seen the gift is at their house if your DD has seen it and she's obviously not hiding it. So she knows and you won't gain anything by highlighting the issue.

I would talk to DD about what makes a good friend and leave it there.

CustardCreamsAndMintTea · 13/01/2022 16:52

The family have seen it and think your DD has a duplicate or didn't want it. I wouldn't bother messaging but if you have to, you should say that she loved it and thank you but unfortunately its gone missing!

scaredsadandstuck · 13/01/2022 16:57

Do you have a group chat going already about the party arrangements? I'd use that to send a message saying your DD is really upset as she thinks the present from X might have been accidentally caught up in the wrapping papers etc, could everyone do a quick check it didn't accidentally get picked up by anyone by mistake. This probably only works if it's quite a small thing though!

1forAll74 · 13/01/2022 16:58

I would leave things as they are, no fuss making.

Mama1980 · 13/01/2022 17:00

I don't think there needs to be a huge drama. This message from earlier in the thread is perfect

"Thank you for the pressie of xyz with her initials XX for DDs birthday. We wonder if friend may have accidentally taken it home with her as it disappeared after birthday party and DD saw same item with her initials XX on them at your house yesterday and was really confused. Could you please check for us? Thankyou"

RandomDent · 13/01/2022 17:03

Was the friend embarrassed because she perceived it as inferior to other gifts? Took it to hide it? 9 year olds do funny things.

Comedycook · 13/01/2022 17:05

@SlowBoiledFrog

Nothing. It's not worth it.
Absolutely this!
3mealsaday · 13/01/2022 17:08

Kids are weird. I wouldn't make a big thing of it. Message saying thank you for the lovely thoughtful gift which your DD loved but you think her DD may have accidentally taken it home with her. Then leave it there.

I wouldn't be banning this child or anything drastic like that. She won't be the first 9 yo with sticky fingers who has given into temptation and she'll probably grow out of it quite soon. Your DD can decide whether she still wants to be friends or not.