Is my lack of sympathy to DH justified?

[MamaGaia]

We have a nearly 10 month old. He is a terrible sleeper. He wakes every 90 mins to 2 hours, and I am simply exhausted, but I power through (as this is MN, I know posters will come at me re sleep training - we have sleep trained with the Ferber method and it’s made no difference. He can put himself to sleep at nap time and at the start of the night, but he still wakes up a lot, and doesn’t settle unless he’s picked up and soothed back to sleep).

He’s EBF so all night wakings have been on me. At first I didn’t mind it so much as I knew it comes with the territory of EBF but now, it absolutely infuriates me. Since we started weaning, DS doesn’t need a feed overnight so I don’t need to be the one settling him. However, DH just doesn’t get up.

When it’s happening whilst we’re still awake, he tells me DS is waking up, and a few times I have asked him to see to him, which he does, and fails miserably. It’s not even that DS prefers me as a parent, DH has no idea what he’s doing so all it does is wake up DS more and it takes longer to put him back down. Overnight, DH either doesn’t wake up or pretends to be asleep. This is starting to cause tension.

The past few weeks DH has had a project at work which has kept him working until midnight to 2am almost every night, including weekends. He finally completed it a few nights ago, but is now complaining how tired he is, and how DS is affecting his sleep.

This morning, I made sure to tell him I completely understand, I’ve been dealing with it for 10 months. He’s now in a strop because I made a dig.

I know he’s exhausted with work, and I know how tiring it can be as pre maternity leave I had the same projects and deadline so I know it’s time consuming and demanding. So I do understand. However, considering he has done fuck all with DS over the past few weeks, apart from an occasional nappy change here or there, and he doesn’t do much more when he doesn’t have a deadline, I’m struggling with the sympathy.

Was I unnecessarily bitchy, or should I have been more supportive? I am the one on maternity leave so of course the childcare falls on me, and as I have no income and am dependent on DH, who doesn’t hold back in his spending for me or DS, I do wonder if I am being unreasonable.

My husband complains about lack of sleep too, I just tell him he is being a pissy little bitch.

Well you should both have equal spending money and equal access to all family income. So that’s a bit of a red herring.

But yes I can understand you being fed up. I would have probably have said the same thing!

Such a hard one op and happens to so many of us.

In his eyes I'd imagine he's providing and is struggling with the heavy work load which is exactly the same for you

I feel your pain

Neither of my two youngest slept through for years and trying to juggle and work and run a home on sleep deprivation is hell.

Don't let it cause a rift between you guys.

It will get easier but it's hard.

For a while I was the full time worker and was exhausted even though dh got up with the babies as he was home and it could get tense at times.

Dh on the odd occasion would say to me he thought I had it easier going to work and I would feel the same towards him.

Thing is neither is easy and when the babies are small and not sleeping it's relentless

We would just grit our teeth through it and agree to each one having a lie in on a weekend day and work together more.

Wasn't easy at times believe me but it got us through that rough time

Wtf does the spending money have to do with it?

I agree with you that he should be doing more, if you do all weeknights since you’re not at work the next day he should be doing the weekends and giving you a chance to catch up on sleep… However, you’re clearly both knackered so rather than getting into arguments about it I’d personally see about getting a sleep consultant in with the hope of actually getting it sorted.

I would co-sleep with baby so you can get more sleep.

@Bagelsandbrie

Well you should both have equal spending money and equal access to all family income. So that’s a bit of a red herring.

But yes I can understand you being fed up. I would have probably have said the same thing!

You’re right. I’m just conscious I’m not contributing financially to the household at all, and DH doesn’t even question anything and still books and buy nice things, etc. I do need to get out of that mindset.

100%
Lack of sleep is bloody awful.

I have no income and am dependent on DH, who doesn’t hold back in his spending for me or DS

• um, no. Just to shut that thinking down straight away. You are married and have a child. Therefore, the money earned is family money. You are both contributing - and hell how you are feeling your contribution right now, eh, getting no sleep while he snores away? - all monies coming in are equally yours and his.

The logical end point of thinking that the money is his simply because he's the one doing the activities at that end is you saying - well I gave birth and I'm the one keeping this child alive, so it's my baby not yours. Ridiculous, yes? You're on mat leave and not earning physical cash because you are providing the family you both want. It's essentially why marriage means what it does legally and why it's so important even today - it legally makes the money one person earns, and all their assets, just as much the property of the other.

On the sleeping - no he has no right to complain about you being pissy. Although, to go back to the original analogy, yes it's right that you do most of the night wakings while on mat leave - his main role is elsewhere.

HOWEVER. No parent is an island. Nope, he cannot expect to never be disturbed and never be asked to help. It's where the defined roles break down and where you just need to be prepared to help each other out in daily life so both can function. You cannot exist on no sleep. Just as it would be shitty for you to say 'My job is the baby and it's full time, I'm not going to cook for us - make your own food and wash your own stuff even though my day gives me flexibility' it's shitty for him to say 'I can see you are collapsing with exhaustion but I need full sleep, uninterrupted, all the time'.

He needs to help or it's going to start falling apart.

Yep, and my husband is/was the fairest, most reasonable man I’d ever met, in all other areas

APART FROM IT’S UP TO ME FOR ALL NIGHT WAKINGS BECAUSE OF HIS WORK.

thé baby is EFF so no reason why he can’t, just that as I’m on maternity it’s my domain and he’ll be tired at work

Thé arguments this has caused are the worst we’ve ever had in seven years of knowing each other.

I’m just conscious I’m not contributing financially to the household at all

You are contributing equally. Both elements of contribution are required for you to have the life you both want - adults with a family and an income.

@wtfisgoingonhere21

Such a hard one op and happens to so many of us.

In his eyes I'd imagine he's providing and is struggling with the heavy work load which is exactly the same for you

I feel your pain

Neither of my two youngest slept through for years and trying to juggle and work and run a home on sleep deprivation is hell.

Don't let it cause a rift between you guys.

It will get easier but it's hard.

For a while I was the full time worker and was exhausted even though dh got up with the babies as he was home and it could get tense at times.

Dh on the odd occasion would say to me he thought I had it easier going to work and I would feel the same towards him.

Thing is neither is easy and when the babies are small and not sleeping it's relentless

We would just grit our teeth through it and agree to each one having a lie in on a weekend day and work together more.

Wasn't easy at times believe me but it got us through that rough time

Thank you, I needed this head wobble. I’m usually much more understanding and loving to DH but the past week I’ve had to hold back saying something I’ll regret!

It isn’t easy at all. I need to remember it will pass.

I was a SAHM and I did all night wakings because I thought it was fair enough, and I could get them back to sleep quicker because I was BFing.
If I was working I’d have put them on the bottle and expected him to do his share.

@LakeShoreD

Wtf does the spending money have to do with it?

I agree with you that he should be doing more, if you do all weeknights since you’re not at work the next day he should be doing the weekends and giving you a chance to catch up on sleep… However, you’re clearly both knackered so rather than getting into arguments about it I’d personally see about getting a sleep consultant in with the hope of actually getting it sorted.

We have a sleep consultant booked. She has a waiting list though and we’re seeing her end of Feb.

@GoodnightGrandma what if you hadn’t been able to breastfeed? Would you have still done them all?

No sleep is a killer. I fully accept i have to do the lion’s share but it’s not as if I can just chill out and nap during the day.

I co-slept with all of mine to avoid this. So much easier when they’re EBF, I rarely lost any sleep bar the first few weeks.

Don’t let it cause a rift, you’re both knackered and it isn’t a competition. He needs to help out more though so tell him this directly rather than making passive aggressive digs.

I was a SAHM and I did all night wakings because I thought it was fair enough, and I could get them back to sleep quicker because I was BFing.
If I was working I’d have put them on the bottle and expected him to do his share.

This is perfectly sensible^

Glad to hear you have a sleep consultant booked, I really hope it works for you.

In the meantime tempting as it is, avoid passive aggressive digs. Instead sit down and agree a rota that gives each of you a chance for a lie in once a week and a clear split of duties- whether you go for split nightly shifts, alternate nights, you do the week/he does weekends is just personal preference but agree something concrete and stick to it. Then whoever is not on duty sleeps with earplugs, eye mask, in the spare room if you have one and is not to be disturbed.

@MamaGaia

It's so hard and I really don't cope with lack of sleep.

I'm worse than dh

Please get out of the mindset that your aware you don't contribute financially as I bet your dh isn't even thinking that by the sounds of it so that may be giving you a bit of an inner wobble.

Don't feel guilty for resenting him op but just try and work together.

Deep breath and share a bottle of wine and a chat one evening together.

It really does help you through that tough time.

We are both awake way before our dc now and I go in and prod them a lot like they used to do

Just remember it's temporary

Can you get a babysitter and have a couple of hours out even during the day for a walk and a pub lunch to recharge once a month or so?

We did make an effort to do that and it also helped.

I think he needs to do some nights. Not as many as you but why can't he do it at the weekend?

He should do it at weekends but not during the week. The person at home should do night wakings during the week because it's fine being tired at home when you're just hanging around in leggings but it's not OK to be exhausted at work where you can make mistakes. That was our thinking anyway!

Apart from sharing nights at the weekend, another option is to split the nights. If one of you is more a night owl, they take the bedtime to midnight shift, the early bird does midnight to 6am. But sleep training is the only proper fix for this. It is in the best interests of the baby to sleep through as well. Brian development occurs much faster with long uninterrupted stretches of sleep.

It is exhausting, can you grab an hour or 2 during the day when lo has a sleep?

I do need to get out of that mindset.

Yes you really do.

If your DH was off work for six months due to a serious operation/recuperation and was on illness benefit do you think HE would feel guilty 'not contributing'? Of course not, he would tell himself that he's ill, needs to recuperate fully and not feel a jot of guilt at it at any stage - and he would be right.

Right now you are off because you are doing another job and one that's even more intensive, longer hours and physically impacted you. You grew and birthed a baby and maternity leave is there to ensure you recover adequately but also more so that maternity leave is hugely beneficial to the child and early child development.

But you can't do it without support - especially with a non sleeper (I had one as well and it's bloody tough) so he does need to step up and let you get some sleep too before you break.

You’re contributing to the household by looking after your joint child and probably doing other household duties.

YANBU to point out to your DH that you are also going without sleep for much longer time.
Broken sleep is much worse than solid chunk of a few hours which he probably has every night.

Pretending to be asleep is absolutely appalling.

I presume your DH has at least one day off. You should be able to catch up on some sleep and your DH needs to learn how to look after HIS child.

Are you sure your DC is able to go through the night without a feed?
I ebf too and they had such small feeds that I did need to top them up in the night until they were 1 I think.
Just wondering if your DC is waking up frequently as they are hungry?

I don’t think YABU to need him to do more.