Is my lack of sympathy to DH justified?

[MamaGaia]

We have a nearly 10 month old. He is a terrible sleeper. He wakes every 90 mins to 2 hours, and I am simply exhausted, but I power through (as this is MN, I know posters will come at me re sleep training - we have sleep trained with the Ferber method and it’s made no difference. He can put himself to sleep at nap time and at the start of the night, but he still wakes up a lot, and doesn’t settle unless he’s picked up and soothed back to sleep).

He’s EBF so all night wakings have been on me. At first I didn’t mind it so much as I knew it comes with the territory of EBF but now, it absolutely infuriates me. Since we started weaning, DS doesn’t need a feed overnight so I don’t need to be the one settling him. However, DH just doesn’t get up.

When it’s happening whilst we’re still awake, he tells me DS is waking up, and a few times I have asked him to see to him, which he does, and fails miserably. It’s not even that DS prefers me as a parent, DH has no idea what he’s doing so all it does is wake up DS more and it takes longer to put him back down. Overnight, DH either doesn’t wake up or pretends to be asleep. This is starting to cause tension.

The past few weeks DH has had a project at work which has kept him working until midnight to 2am almost every night, including weekends. He finally completed it a few nights ago, but is now complaining how tired he is, and how DS is affecting his sleep.

This morning, I made sure to tell him I completely understand, I’ve been dealing with it for 10 months. He’s now in a strop because I made a dig.

I know he’s exhausted with work, and I know how tiring it can be as pre maternity leave I had the same projects and deadline so I know it’s time consuming and demanding. So I do understand. However, considering he has done fuck all with DS over the past few weeks, apart from an occasional nappy change here or there, and he doesn’t do much more when he doesn’t have a deadline, I’m struggling with the sympathy.

Was I unnecessarily bitchy, or should I have been more supportive? I am the one on maternity leave so of course the childcare falls on me, and as I have no income and am dependent on DH, who doesn’t hold back in his spending for me or DS, I do wonder if I am being unreasonable.

What happens on weekends? He should be responsible for nights then.

And do you get a lie in?

You’re right. I’m just conscious I’m not contributing financially to the household at all, and DH doesn’t even question anything and still books and buy nice things, etc.

You might not be bringing in a full wage at the minute, but you have grown, birthed and are now single handedly keeping a small human alive, which is only 50% yours. You don't need to be grateful that he's not withholding money from you.

I put YABU because you say he 'fails miserably' and instead of explaining to him how to do it and showing him the best way to do things it seems like yo're just pissed off that he doesn't just know.

He's working till god knows what time then 'failing miserably' at settling his child - who would be keen to keep going under those circumstances? I bet he feels like shit, and you're behaving like he's out on a jolly while you do all the work.

You've got to be more thoughtful and considerate of what each other are going through, you're both struggling and you need to be there for each other. Start talking and working together.

You both do 1 night each at the weekends and both have 1 lie in, that way is equal.

He needs to step up. I would have given zero sympathy to his moaning. With regards to the finances, you’re saving the cost of a day nanny and night nanny (especially night nanny if he isn’t getting involved at night)