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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why aren't they scared of going to prison?

57 replies

Sportslady44 · 12/01/2022 20:38

When people abuse/kill their children/stepkids as we have heard alot recently why aren't they scared of being hated and having to go to prison. They know they are going to be hated and run the risk of getting attacked.

I'd be terrified, why aren't they?
Before anyone says they don't think they will be caught I don't believe it.

They know eventually it will come to light what's been happening. Also why do they want to split up their relationship. Once tough to prison your separated and you don't even see each other again.

If anyone really does know please enlighten me.

You loose your freedom
You lose your relationship and other kids.
Everyone hates you and wants to beat you up.

Think I'd rather be dead than live like that.

Just awful there's been another one today on the news. A woman and her partner have Been charged with murdering her 9 year old son.

OP posts:

sayanythingelse · 12/01/2022 21:20

I think there's lots of reasons - personality disorders, low IQ, a history of being subjected to violence and substance abuse in childhood.

Either they don't think they'll get caught or they've already sustained abuse without consequence in the past, so the pattern has just continued.

Lockheart · 12/01/2022 21:27

Why do you think someone capable of committing such crimes is thinking rationally and calmly? Do you really think they're in a good, healthy mental state?

Abusers don't wake up one day and think "hmm, should I kill my child today? Better not, I don't want to go to prison. Actually I don't care, I'll do it."

That's not how they think. The idea that these people view their actions in the same light as most would is very naive, but incredibly common. It's why we don't have mob / vigilante justice and why a judge in a court will consider all the circumstances around the crime when sentencing.

Dandymax1 · 12/01/2022 21:57

In my honest opinion, if you can go to the darkest part of your mind and kill a child and think 'it's ok' regardless of the prison time, you are messed up in ways you don't care what happens.

3mealsaday · 12/01/2022 22:01

I think it's a combination of a failure to take personal responsibility, poor impulse control and anger issues.

They justify it to themselves - the child's behaviour 'made' them do it so it's not really their fault.

And they get away with it - no one notices the minor fractures or the less serious head injuries. The bruises can be given an innocent explanation (a fall, caused by another child etc.).

It only comes to light when one day they go too far. But they've been building up to that moment for a long time and the abuse has steadily been becoming more serious. So when they did it previously, the child seemed OK (even if there were hidden internal injuries). So they think they will get away with it this time as well.

Ponoka7 · 12/01/2022 22:04

"However, I grew up surrounded by abusive bastards and I can tell you that most of them have an astounding level of arrogance; a mentality of being untouchable, of being right in their behaviours & beliefs and that it's nobody else's business what they choose to do. When you have that level of narcissistic qualities, it's not hard to see why they feel the system can't ever touch them."

There's a level of that, in most cases and in DV cases.

SantaClawsServiette · 12/01/2022 22:34

While the thought of being caught probably deters some people, obviously the people who do it anyway are the ones it doesn't deter.

Generally I think there are a few reasons. One is they don't think they will get caught. They are arrogant, or they don't have enough awareness to think about it at all.

For some it may just be so normalized in their life or community that they may not think about what they do as abnormal. They may imagine most others live much the same way.

And then there are people who know it's wrong, and the risks, but for some reason have poor self-control. They may or may not figure out ways to justify it to themselves, but the basic problem is around thinking before doing and diverting things like anger.

Pedalpushers · 12/01/2022 22:39

Because they don't think in the same way that you do.

Greenblue12 · 12/01/2022 22:43

Chaotic lives, drugs, mental health problems, learning disabilities, have been abused themselves when young. Any combination of these and add in relationship stress makes a horrible situation that can go from bad to catastrophic very easily

AuntyBumBum · 12/01/2022 22:43

Look at it the other ways round. If the penalties for abuse were reduced and no custodial sentences were to be imposed would that make abusing your own kids start to seem like a more appealing idea to you?

Hornetfarmer · 12/01/2022 22:57

As has been pointed out on previous threads, those children who have a been abused and survived will go on to be the abusers. They will likely have suffered significant trauma which alters their emotional, behavioural and intellectual capacity. They will have no positive relationship modelling as a frame of reference and we have an expectation that as a teenager and then an adult that they are able to function to the level of our expected societal norm.
Prison only acts as a deterrent for those who wouldn't commit crime anyway. People who are rational and can reflect on their own behaviour.

Ionlydomassiveones · 12/01/2022 23:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

SantaClawsServiette · 12/01/2022 23:07

Yes, the ones with those issues are also the ones more likely to get caught. Psychopaths who just don't care on the other hand are better able to cover their tracks.

Sally872 · 12/01/2022 23:17

I don't hurt or kill people because I am a decent person not because I am scared of prison. These people are so sick there is no way to know what their thought process is there is no logical explanation. My best guess is they didn't think that far ahead or assumed they wouldn't get caught.

Sally872 · 12/01/2022 23:21

@Hornetfarmer

As has been pointed out on previous threads, those children who have a been abused and survived will go on to be the abusers. They will likely have suffered significant trauma which alters their emotional, behavioural and intellectual capacity. They will have no positive relationship modelling as a frame of reference and we have an expectation that as a teenager and then an adult that they are able to function to the level of our expected societal norm. Prison only acts as a deterrent for those who wouldn't commit crime anyway. People who are rational and can reflect on their own behaviour.

I hope you didn't mean what you have written. Plenty of abused and traumatised people would never hurt another person.

Many abusers have been abused themselves is a completely different statement to "all children who have been abused and survived will go on to become abusers"

Yummypumpkin · 12/01/2022 23:21

Sadly abuse builds up.

It gets more extreme until the child dies.

Because they've abused the child hundreds of times before they don't expect the child to die.

They also think everyone hits their children and that it is normal.

saraclara · 12/01/2022 23:41

And the reality is as humans were very irrational beings and make really poor risk assessments. So as much as you don't believe it they really do think they won't get caught.

That. It's a similar thought process to that of some of those who won't get vaccinated. They simply can't imagine that they will get Covid/get ill/possibly die. Bad things happen to other people. Not them.

I think it's linked to the lack of empathy that cruel people have. They can't imagine themselves in a different situation. They can't feel what their victim feels. They don't have the imagination to do so. Likewise they can't imagine going to prison. That happens to other people. It's a kind of egotism.

VolvicHenry · 12/01/2022 23:44

@Onlinedilema

They aren't thinking straight. They act in anger. They need educating rather than a deterrent. Humans are not fundamentally nice. Humans are not cut out to have children then be lumbered with them for years and years. Who knows.

This.

I don't think most people who abuse or kill their kids do so in a well thought out or premeditated fashion.

EdinaMonsoon · 12/01/2022 23:46

@Hornetfarmer

As has been pointed out on previous threads, those children who have a been abused and survived will go on to be the abusers. They will likely have suffered significant trauma which alters their emotional, behavioural and intellectual capacity. They will have no positive relationship modelling as a frame of reference and we have an expectation that as a teenager and then an adult that they are able to function to the level of our expected societal norm. Prison only acts as a deterrent for those who wouldn't commit crime anyway. People who are rational and can reflect on their own behaviour.

@Hornetfarmer Not every abused child becomes an abusive adult. That's an incredibly damaging and false statement to make.

Similarly not all adults who abuse were abused themselves as children. The cycle starts somewhere.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 13/01/2022 00:01

But unfortunately they do think they will get away with it. And many do get away with it. How many cases are not taken on the by the CPS I wonder.

Emma Tustin pleaded not guilty to murder.

They think they will be the clever ones to fool everyone, because they got away with abusing a child for months.

Blossom64265 · 13/01/2022 00:15

I’m not sure that all of the people committing these crimes actually understand the long term consequences of any of their actions. Whether it is intentional ignorance or a lack of mental capacity, it is hard to say.

Emerald5hamrock · 13/01/2022 00:18

They're not expecting to get caught, the DC becomes a punching bag long before their murderers takes the final blow.

Saradegrey · 13/01/2022 00:19

People who do terrible stuff like that don't think that far ahead. They probably don't think beyond the end of that day. They also have poor impulse control. They do what they want and don't link actions with consequences.

I have met a lot of villains and criminals in my life. Not one has been afraid of going to prison.

Original poster

Sportslady44 · 13/01/2022 17:47

Does the same go for the fact they might lose their other children too. Not see their partners again.

It just all ends they go to prison and lose everything.

OP posts:

PearlD · 13/01/2022 17:52

Because they hold overriding beliefs that enable them to justify their actions. More importantly, staying out of prison shouldn't be the driver for not commiting hideous acts.

TheGreatATuin · 13/01/2022 17:59

I genuinely don't understand it, OP. Even if they are the most self-absorbed psychopath who doesn't care about the child, you'd at least think they cared about what happened to themselves.
I can only imagine that it's because the type of mind that can treat a child like that is also incapable of considering the consequences for themselves too.
That said, we need to understand it. We need to know how and why someone can go so badly wrong so we can find the warning signs earlier and prevent it happening to other children.

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