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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this a manipulative message from my ex?

30 replies

dearlord · 12/01/2022 20:30

I co parent with my ex. I am male, she female we usually get on very well but we have had some problems recently. She sent me this text today and I find it manipulative. Basically you forgive me and coparent with me or our daughter (8) will be fucked up.

Text :

I'm sorry about today, I know you are used to me coming to your door and starting arguments, that's not my intention. I don't want to argue with anyone, it doesn't bring me joy. I was worried about Amelia, I still am, I want her dad to be 100 percent, but I know I don't have control of that. But please don't start disengaging with me. If you had answered your phone/texts then this would have probably been avoided. I want us all to have a good relationship, I told you the other night, it's good for Amelia to see. I know I've been untrustworthy in the past - but you are Amelia's dad, I don't want people gossiping about you. I'm not stupid, I also know my friends strengths and weaknesses and I know who can be trusted and who can't. I have lost a lot of sleep the past few nights about this, I worry not just for Amelia but for you. I care about you as Amelia's dad, I genuinely do. I don't want bad things to happen to you. I want you to be healthy and happy and regardless of what you think of me, I want it for Amelia. I would love if you would stop thinking we were enemies, I don't think you are my enemy - and I'm not yours. We both just want to raise amelia to be the best person she could be. Am I perfect? No. Are you? No. But I think that's okay, I don't think amelia needs to be raised around perfection, just love. And we love her, she knows that, but she needs to see us respecting each other, or else she's going to struggle with her own relationships when she is older.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

dearlord · 12/01/2022 20:31

Names been changed I may add

OP posts:

Ironingtsunami · 12/01/2022 21:36

She's not asking you to forgive her. She's asking you to put it to one side for the sake of your child.

Bintohellandback · 12/01/2022 21:37

I don't know. It doesn't jump out as manipulative to me (although hard to tell without a backstory) but the talk of arguments at doorsteps does suggest dysfunction. The 'if you had just answered your phone this could have been avoided' is potentially a refusal to take responsibility for their own bad behaviour and blame others instead ('look what you drove me to' sort of thing) but that depends on what they actually did, and that isn't clear in the message.

What are the recent problems? Do they constitute extenuating circumstances for an otherwise good parent or suggest someone really struggling? If you generally coparent well then that message isn't dreadful, it sounds maybe a bit... distressed/desperate? Some of the things sound very reasonable, like wanting parents to work together and behave well towards each other for the child's benefit, but could be missing the point if that person has (for instance) been abusive and needs to leave.

Very hard to say without context is the bottom line (in my opinion).

Woofwoofbarkbark · 12/01/2022 21:41

It sounds like a reasonable message but I've no idea what either of you have done to have hurt each other in the past/present.

Sounds like she just wants to put every bad thing that's happened to the side and just get on with shut for the sake of your child.

notacooldad · 12/01/2022 21:43

It sounds like shes been reading a self help book from the 90s!

UserBot989 · 12/01/2022 21:44

It sounds very reasonable to me. How is it manipulative?

Do you feel manipulated in to co parenting amicably for the sake of your child

CheshireCats · 12/01/2022 21:44

Doesn't seem manipulative at all to me.

UserBot989 · 12/01/2022 21:46

I could have sent this to my x (not as flowery mind you) but he cast me in the role of his ENEMY just because I left him. And no amount of time has ever made him see that I'm not his enemy. But he needs an enemy.

Bouncer500 · 12/01/2022 21:47

Seems like she is wanting the two of you to work as a parenting team for the sake of your child. What do you think is wrong with the message?

DysmalRadius · 12/01/2022 21:47

On the face of it, it seems very even-handed - she's admitting her faults and apologising and making apparently reasonable requests to keep lines of communication open, but it depends on the details as to whether that's reasonable.

Skeumorph · 12/01/2022 21:49

Ok, depending on the background, it could be.

BUT.

What she says in her last sentences and you paraphrase as 'forgive me and co-parent with me or our dd will be fucked up' - that is pretty much 90% true. Whether or not it's being said by someone difficult and manipulative.

If you can't co-parent well it's your DD who suffers.

If you can't co-parent because she is manipulative or difficult, then you set in place measures to parallel parent - you make rules and patterns for contact and handovers and a rule for EVERYTHING and you stick to it, which means you don't have to speak to one another and messages are strictly managed. But no, you don't play silly buggers in return.

Your daughter does indeed need to see you respecting one another.

RoyKentsChestHair · 12/01/2022 21:55

Seems more than reasonable to me. There’s clearly some backstory here but the message itself reads as someone trying their best to put aside personal issues to keep things stable and communicative for their child.

Ponoka7 · 12/01/2022 21:57

"Basically you forgive me and coparent with me or our daughter (8) will be fucked up."

That's a factual statement. However you don't have to forgive her, you just need to put what's gone on aside and co-parent. You aren't co-parenting for her, it what you should be doing because you are a parent.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 12/01/2022 21:58

It sounds fine to me.

I always wonder about men posting identifying things on MN and trying to get others to berate their ex or their partner though.

That seems quite manipulative imo.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 12/01/2022 22:07

Why is she worried about your health? Was the argument about drink/drugs/lifestyle?

PurpleThursdays · 12/01/2022 22:09

Seems reasonable to me. I don't see her as asking for forgiveness. Just that you both stop being clowns and look after your daughter and show each other basic respect. Modelling healthy habits for your daughter to emulate.

titchy · 12/01/2022 22:11

Don't be silly. It says 'Let's both stop being dicks because Amelia is the one that will suffer.'

HTH

oviraptor21 · 12/01/2022 22:43

I don't think she necessarily wants you to forgive her but I do think she wants you to ignore what she did (presumably cheating?) so that you present a healthy relationship to your DD.
Like PP have said, without a context its difficult to judge how reasonable or achievable that is. Do you think it's a reasonable request in the circumstances?

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 12/01/2022 23:01

It doesn’t seem particularly manipulative to me. We don’t know the background.

Ultimately if the two of you don’t work together it is your DD who suffers.

Gymrats · 12/01/2022 23:04

It sounds reasonable to me. Regardless of male/female, it’s a message with the child’s best interests at heart

Wishitsnows · 12/01/2022 23:06

She sounds too reasonable and is being really open. Hopefully you can see she is trying to ensure the child doesn't get messed up

JovialNickname · 14/01/2022 14:17

It sounds pretty reasonable to me - albeit a little repetitive and possibly she's had one small drink! However it just sounds like she's saying let's get along for the sake of the kid. Don't over analyse or pick holes for the sake of it; she wants to get along for the child, just say yes. That would be a good thing.

DrSbaitso · 14/01/2022 14:18

What's she trying to get you to do?

AsYouWishButtercup · 14/01/2022 14:21

Am I the only one who thinks I can’t answer without some proper context?

ReadySteadyTwins · 14/01/2022 14:21

How is it manipulative? Because she's trying to "manipulate" you into acting in the best interests of your child? Really?

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