Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a moving in date

35 replies

confusedmummy123 · 12/01/2022 17:35

Partner and I are engaged been together 2 and a half years. Getting married in October. However we don't live together. Recently his mum died and it was the funeral on Monday and he is sorting the house out. Therefore I don't want to pressure him. But shouldn't he have wanted me to move in before now? March 2020 he said I could move in in the October of that year and that never happened. As we are due to get married in 9 months people keep asking when am I moving in. I feel a bit of an idiot saying I don't know. I mean it's only my life and I have no clue when things are happening. I have anxiety so like to know when things will happen. He said we will talk about it this week. Don't really know what will be said though

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 17:37

Yeah I'd say look, are we moving in before or after the wedding.

LittleOwl153 · 12/01/2022 17:39

Did he live with his mum - I.e. would you be moving in there? I think given his mum has just doed you do need to give him space to sort that out. However you are not unreasonable to want to progress things.

How far has the wedding planning progressed? I'd be reluctant to spend out on deposits and the likes which commit you to expensive weddings if you are not getting the noises you need from him. Maybe give it till Easter - if that doesn't alter expensive plans and see where things are then..

PonyPatter44 · 12/01/2022 17:41

Are you planning to live together after you get married? Have either of you lived with anyone before? Do you have religious reasons for not living together?

Original poster
confusedmummy123 · 12/01/2022 18:00

Well I assume we will live together when married. No religious reasons as to not to co habitate . So far 2500 been spent on deposits and my dress.

OP posts:
dancemom · 12/01/2022 18:01

Does he live alone?

Do you live alone?

Original poster
confusedmummy123 · 12/01/2022 18:01

I lived with my ex for 5 years. He has never lived with anyone before

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/01/2022 18:02

Why didn’t you move in with him in 2020?

StrangerThanSpring · 12/01/2022 18:04

I wouldn't marry someone I've never lived with. I think you need to have a talk with him about it. I get it's hard with his mum dying but maybe postpone the wedding?

Original poster
confusedmummy123 · 12/01/2022 18:05

He's on his own
Me with my two children

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedmummy123 · 12/01/2022 18:31

Don't know. Just never happened

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 18:46

@confusedmummy123

Don't know. Just never happened
So your kids have never lived with him? How do you know they all get on 24/7?
KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 18:46

@confusedmummy123

Don't know. Just never happened
I'm not sure how it could just never happened - did you not keep asking? I mean there was the whole of lockdown and stuff if you were in the UK.
Whatifitallgoesright · 12/01/2022 18:47

Are you not concerned with how he and your children will get along living together? Seems wise to check before you get married.

Original poster
confusedmummy123 · 12/01/2022 19:20

So I'm not unreasonable to ask are we going to be living together before we get married? That's what I mean I want to know we all get along together. Stayed at Christmas and that was it

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 19:21

@confusedmummy123

So I'm not unreasonable to ask are we going to be living together before we get married? That's what I mean I want to know we all get along together. Stayed at Christmas and that was it
You definitely need to know.

You've only stayed once? How many times have you met up with him? How much time has he spent with your kids?

Xmasgetaway · 12/01/2022 19:23

Should you be marrying him if you don’t feel able to ask him questions about your shared future?
Do you know how you will split finances, housework, where you will holiday?
There are a lot of unknowns here……

NewMessageFrom · 12/01/2022 19:24

Why are you marrying him if you can't talk about moving in?

I wouldn't marry anyone I hadn't lived with

OfCourseIDontMind · 12/01/2022 19:53

Can I offer up a suggestion?
If it's possible, when you do move in together, try to have a space in the house where he can be by himself if he needs to be. I mean, you should have your own space also.
If he's never lived with anyone he will be used to his own space and being alone, it may be a shock to live with a partner and 2 children.

KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 21:13

@confusedmummy123

Well I assume we will live together when married. No religious reasons as to not to co habitate . So far 2500 been spent on deposits and my dress.
Please tell me he is sharing the cost...
Original poster
confusedmummy123 · 12/01/2022 22:12

We have both put half into the wedding pot

OP posts:
billy1966 · 12/01/2022 22:22

You didn't move in because he didn't want you to.

OP you have two children to think of.

I would be very wary and I would not be planning to marry this man anytime soon.

He has delayed moving in with you.

It will be a massive change for him and for you and your children.

It often doesn't work out as the rough and tumble of a family takes getting used to, and isn't for everyone.

15 months after you were supposed to move in and still no conversation tells me you have absolutely no business planning a wedding.

Don't spend another penny on deposits.

You need to speak plainly with him.

You moving in with him and giving up your home puts you in a very vulnerable position.

You have two children to consider.

There is no place for a relationship where you have no idea what is going on.

Flowers
OfCourseIDontMind · 13/01/2022 21:22

@confusedmummy123
No you're not being unreasonable! Not in the slightest.
Please update us!

Original poster
confusedmummy123 · 13/01/2022 22:57

@billy1966

You didn't move in because he didn't want you to.

OP you have two children to think of.

I would be very wary and I would not be planning to marry this man anytime soon.

He has delayed moving in with you.

It will be a massive change for him and for you and your children.

It often doesn't work out as the rough and tumble of a family takes getting used to, and isn't for everyone.

15 months after you were supposed to move in and still no conversation tells me you have absolutely no business planning a wedding.

Don't spend another penny on deposits.

You need to speak plainly with him.

You moving in with him and giving up your home puts you in a very vulnerable position.

You have two children to consider.

There is no place for a relationship where you have no idea what is going on.

Flowers

I just keep thinking of this that he didn't want us to move in all those months ago 😢I'm bringing it up over the weekend cus I am just feeling so mad with the situation.
OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 13/01/2022 23:25

@confusedmummy123

Don't know. Just never happened
How can you not know? Why are you being a bystander in your own life? Why do you write as if you are seeking your fiance's permission to live together?

Talk to him this week as planned, & set your own date.
If he shillyshallys you again - forget the wedding, get your deposits back, sell the dress & ditch him for being a future faker.

This is a ridiculous way to live. Take the bull by the horns & get it sorted!

ChargingBuck · 13/01/2022 23:29

@confusedmummy123

So I'm not unreasonable to ask are we going to be living together before we get married? That's what I mean I want to know we all get along together. Stayed at Christmas and that was it
Yes, you would be unreasonable to ASK if you are going to live together, as if the decision is entirely up to him.

But I think you have put the cart before the horse with this marriage notion.
WTF are you doing, pressing ahead with the wedding, when you 1) don't know what he's like to live with 2) will be bringing your kids into it?

Pay attention to @billy1966 -
15 months after you were supposed to move in and still no conversation tells me you have absolutely no business planning a wedding.

Swipe left for the next trending thread