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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to talk me out of a third

30 replies

theqentity · 12/01/2022 15:51

I have a 7yo with complex additional needs, who happy and a joy to be around but attends a SEN school and requires a lot of support. A 3.5yo who is NT and brilliant, but very feisty and rambunctious.

I'm getting over three years of ill health, which started off as post natal psychosis and developed into severe anxiety, also a raft of health issues caused by being burnt out from a series of stressful life events.

I am 40. Overweight. Two previous c sections. HG through both pregnancies resulting in a lot of consultant-led care. Healthy babies though.

I'm getting 'the itch', which I genuinely never thought would happen. I was v much 'this shop is closed' after I had DC2 and it's really taken me by surprise.

DH does not want a third. We can afford a third but we would have to move house to accommodate them.

It doesn't make sense at all but it's all I can think about and I'm finding it hard to sleep at night now it's entered my mind that I could. I've started feeling sad when I see birth announcements again.

Can I get over this or will I regret it forever if I don't go for it? Obviously I wouldn't go for it without DH consent.

OP posts:
gwenneh · 12/01/2022 15:54

DH does not want a third.

That's pretty valid as far as a reason goes. That doesn't sound ambiguous.

DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice · 12/01/2022 15:56

Nobody can tell you whether you’ll regret it but it doesn’t sound like you have anything like the resources available to support another child alongside the two you already have, either in terms of money or your own health and energy.

Your two will need you just as much, even more perhaps although in different ways, as they grow up. Concentrate on your own health and on them, would be my thinking.

elelel · 12/01/2022 15:56

It doesn't seem like an option if your DH doesn't want another child, nothing to talk you out of.

DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice · 12/01/2022 15:57

Oh I’m sorry — I misread — you do have the money. But my other point stands (health/energy)

Original poster
theqentity · 12/01/2022 16:00

@elelel

It doesn't seem like an option if your DH doesn't want another child, nothing to talk you out of.
If I explained how much I wanted one there's a chance he would change his mind, but I don't want to have that conversation really. I know deep down that in his head he's done. I thought I was too, in my head. Apparently not. Though maybe it's just fleeting and I'll see sense.
OP posts:
cloverleafy · 12/01/2022 16:04

As a SEN parent who does have 3 - honestly, don't do it.

PleasantBirthday · 12/01/2022 16:05

My mother felt the same way. The result was my youngest brother, so tread carefully Wink.

Aria999 · 12/01/2022 16:13

It doesn't sound like a great idea tbh.

Your youngest is just getting to the point where you can actually do family activities together (anything from board games to kayaking).

It would be a big age gap especially as it can take a while to conceive at that age. (I had mine at 38 and 42). I started trying for the second when DC1 was two years 9 months and our eventual age gap is 4 years 1 month.

DC3 would always be holding you back from spending quality time with your other kids because different things would be age appropriate for them.

Even if DH reluctantly agreed so as to make you happy, in practice it could be a big strain on your relationship. Everything from having to have sex at the right time when he doesn't feel like it, to resenting the added financial pressure and extra childcare requirements afterwards.

And there is presumably a reasonable chance DC3 would also be SEN, given you would be an older mother therefore higher risk and you already have one SEN child. So possibly quite hard work.

Original poster
theqentity · 12/01/2022 16:15

@Aria999

It doesn't sound like a great idea tbh.

Your youngest is just getting to the point where you can actually do family activities together (anything from board games to kayaking).

It would be a big age gap especially as it can take a while to conceive at that age. (I had mine at 38 and 42). I started trying for the second when DC1 was two years 9 months and our eventual age gap is 4 years 1 month.

DC3 would always be holding you back from spending quality time with your other kids because different things would be age appropriate for them.

Even if DH reluctantly agreed so as to make you happy, in practice it could be a big strain on your relationship. Everything from having to have sex at the right time when he doesn't feel like it, to resenting the added financial pressure and extra childcare requirements afterwards.

And there is presumably a reasonable chance DC3 would also be SEN, given you would be an older mother therefore higher risk and you already have one SEN child. So possibly quite hard work.

There will always be a risk for SEN, as I am autistic and my DH is autistic and has ADHD. That has been factored into consideration since Day One.
OP posts:
Rodion · 12/01/2022 16:16

Is the itch about having a baby to care for? Because I get that a lot and even feel envious seeing pregnant women and newborn babies. But I sure as heck don't want another child. Watching a tantruming toddler or remembering the bone-crushing lack of sleep snaps me back!

Emerald5hamrock · 12/01/2022 16:18

It's a terrible idea a bit selfish given that you're overweight with fragile MH and responsible for two living DC. Sorry x.

Aria999 · 12/01/2022 16:18

I understand. I wasn't trying to be offensive, sorry!

TizerorFizz · 12/01/2022 16:20

You can’t always get what you want. Your DC won’t have the easiest of lives ahead of them. DC2 will assume some responsibility for DC1 at some stage. I think your DH is sensible. Manage what you have and give them the best of you.

Idontbelieveit14 · 12/01/2022 16:21

It’s not worth it when you’ve been so ill. I have 3 and it’s difficult.

gogohm · 12/01/2022 16:23

Get practical, cars don't fit 3 car seats easily (lots of posts about that) there's another current post that hotel rooms only sleep 4 maximum. Kids cost lots money when they get older, there's a current post about university costs and driving lessons. Finally are you happy as a family unit, a third would increase the stress a lot and with a child with Sen things can get tricky as they approach puberty

LampLighter414 · 12/01/2022 16:24

Focus on what you have got and being happy with that

You are not missing out on anything, you already have 2 and presumably a good DH

Kbyodjs · 12/01/2022 16:26

I have 3 - a teen and two young ones and the mental load is massively increased, I live in fear of forgetting something at school or just generally and with the age gap you’d have with the youngest and oldest the harder it is to find things that make everyone happy. Even if you feel you can afford it then it’ll still have impacts on cars, holidays and things like how many clubs they can do.
The amount of time to yourself is massively reduced and in the kindest way you’d be high risk for experiencing poor mental health again which seems a risky position to put yourself in.

gogohm · 12/01/2022 16:26

Btw, I too have that itch. I'm considerably older so incredibly unlikely to be possible (not menopausal yet though) and have a great child free life as they are at university! Wanting a baby is irrational, but I am consoling myself with nice holidays (fingers crossed, postponed from 2020) and the thought of retiring at 54

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 12/01/2022 16:29

I had two and also went through a fierce desire to have another. Health and practicality meant I chose not to. Obviously can't speak for anyone else but I have no regrets about stopping when we did.

Comedycook · 12/01/2022 16:33

Honestly, it sounds like a truly terrible idea.

DSGR · 12/01/2022 16:35

I have three and it’s amazing but they are all NT, we have good incomes, our heath is good. You don’t even sound sold on the idea yourself?

Bluebluemoon39 · 12/01/2022 16:38

I think it's probably more about being 40 than anything. I felt the same when I turned 40 last year - it felt like "it's now or never" and i experienced a real urge to have just one more before it was too late.

I talked myself out of it though by imagining myself as a 50yo mother at the school gate - not saying there's anything wrong with it but it's not for me. I visualised all the things I want to do in a few years when the dc's are old enough to be left alone, travelling and dh and I having more time together.

The urge has passed now and I'm so glad now I didn't go for just one more!

dandydear · 12/01/2022 16:39

In your individual circumstances I agree not a great idea. However, I did want to offer a different perspective for families with a SEN child. Our eldest has SEN needs though in mainstream and we also know a family who also has three, with the eldest being non verbal and in a specialist school. We would say (and I think my friend would) that having a third child is the best thing we could have done, especially for the middle sibling.

TimBoothseyes · 12/01/2022 16:39

The best reason not to have a 3rd. You can only put your arms around 2 of them at the same time.

SituationCritical · 12/01/2022 16:39

With all the information you've given I think it would be an awful idea OP. It sounds like it would detrimental to your health, your lifestyle (and your childrens) and your DH doesn't want one. It's a no brainer really. Sorry Flowers