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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

4 year old refusing activities

58 replies

Frizzyhairhelp · 12/01/2022 10:41

Uses to love them. Now refuses. Swimming lessons although He loves swimming with us. Very despondent. Any advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Frizzyhairhelp · 12/01/2022 11:48

One is something he has loved for ages. The other is swimming lessons which are pretty important in our family due to what we do (nautical family stuff). I agree many over-schedule their kids! Just annoying when they suddenly refuse when they've previously loved it

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Lou98 · 12/01/2022 11:48

@Frizzyhairhelp

It's an activity he has always loved. I prefer to leave it after having tried a few times to encourage him. I'm very tired with an ill baby last night so knew I might have said something which wouldn't have helped.

Thanks for the supportive suggestions and thank you (Not!) to those who are obviously perfect parents who never get annoyed ever by anything!

How old is the baby? How has he adjusted to a sibling? It can be normal for kids to get "clingy" (for lack of a better word) when a new baby comes in, it could be that he wants to be close to you so doesn't want to be left at the activity.

If he's not enjoying it, I would give up on it for now. If Wednesday is his day off Nursery he maybe just wants to spend the time with you

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 12/01/2022 11:48

My two mostly love their activities but some days they don't. At 6 and 3, if they don't want to do something on a particular day, I never force it because it just causes more stress.

Swimming is a difficult one. I don't know a single child of that age who has liked swimming lessons and it's massively different from swimming with your parents.

Is it activities plural? So Swimming and something else? Has anything changed, new teacher, new sibling?

HunkyPunk · 12/01/2022 11:50

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt over nearly 3 decades of bringing up my dc (youngest will be an adult next year!) it’s that you’ve got to let them be their own people, unless doing something puts them in direct danger. Does it actually matter if he doesn’t do the organised activity you want him to do? Maybe he’d enjoy it more if you just took him swimming?

elelel · 12/01/2022 11:51

Thanks for the supportive suggestions and thank you (Not!) to those who are obviously perfect parents who never get annoyed ever by anything!

This is so rude OP. You have been offered advice here by posters who have most probably been through it themselves. Even if they haven't it's very easy to sit and form a reasonable and balanced opinion when you are not in the middle of a fraught situation. Nobody said they were perfect - in fact the reason I was able to advise you simply take him home is be due I have been in your position, tried so hard to get them to stay, to join in, to like it but then I realised what I have told you. It's better to just take them home. It wasn't a judgment on your parenting it was advice on what to do, which is what you posted for?

Volhhg · 12/01/2022 11:54

People are keen for their kids to do activities because when you have a young child there's only so many hours of the day that you can occupy them with TV. Playing by themselves whilst you deal with a baby doesn't cut it for a four year old. Even if you play with them one to one for an hour you still have a lot of time to occupy them.

WoodenReindeer · 12/01/2022 11:55

He's only 4. Let him stop! Spend time snuggled up on the sofa together with baby and connect with him. Read a story etc.

I dont see how getting cross or annoyed helps.

Swimming - take a break for a few months. My second made amazing progress witha term of 1-1 and then could join in a class swimming properly rather than the beginners classes where you wait and have a turn. It made me think there's no point in years to get to that point unless they avtively enjoy it. I'd recommend swimming for fun when you can. Term of 1-1 with someone who they click with at 5 and ease back into it.

Don't stress rushing around now at 4. After a new babynit sounds you're frazzled and the time might be better for him just "being" with you.

Take some deep breaths and remember hes a little boy, all the things you love about him and give him a cuddle and spend time qith him x

Original poster

Frizzyhairhelp · 12/01/2022 11:57

Thank you very much really appreciate the comments! The only ones I didn't appreciate were the ones saying I had a temper etc.

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Original poster

Frizzyhairhelp · 12/01/2022 12:00

Exactly @volhhg

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Original poster

Frizzyhairhelp · 12/01/2022 12:03

Baby is 11 months so not that young! Just disappointing to plan stuff they have always enjoyed. Completely take on board comments and will see what it's like next week then try cancel if not. Shame as i used to love watching him have lots of fun

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converseandjeans · 12/01/2022 12:15

frizzyhair

I can't watch as I'll just say something I'll regret

This is ridiculous. What might you say? Why would you have a go at a 4 year old who doesn't want to do an activity? Just let him have a couple of weeks off & see if he is better then. He might be tired post Christmas?

Seeline · 12/01/2022 12:19

Is it just this week he hasn't joined in?
Was there a break over the Christmas holidays and this is the first week back?

Original poster

Frizzyhairhelp · 12/01/2022 12:24

Yes first week back. I know it's ridiculous. It's just disappointing when you plan something nice and then it's not great. And you're tired!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Frizzyhairhelp · 12/01/2022 12:28

It's just this week he has always loved it. It's just this plus the swimming the other day. The arms crossed and refusing

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esloquehay · 12/01/2022 12:32

You seem more concerned about how this impacts on you, rather than how it affects your DC.

Seeline · 12/01/2022 12:35

If it's just been one week, in the nicest way, I think you're being a bit dramatic

Maybe it was a bit overwhelming after the Christmas break
Maybe he was feeling a bit tired, or under the weather
Maybe he just didn't fancy it last night
Maybe if he's been doing it for a while he has just got a bit bored of it

Don't make a fuss, just try again next week. If he really doesn't want to do it anymore, accept it and wither try something new, or let him have a break from activities for a bit.

skgnome · 12/01/2022 12:38

First week back - just persevere a couple more weeks to get back in the routine
Even at 4 they are allowed to change their mind on things they have always enjoyed, if it’s meant to be for their enjoyment just let him out
Swimming, that I would agree with you… however my DD has always loved/enjoyed water… been swimming since baby lessons… we had to take her out at 3, since lessons at that age were not an enjoyable experience for anyone… and we were paying for her to sulk on the side of the pool (although she did had the best time on the weekends with us) - we did took her out, keep swimming as a fun weekly family activity, she went back at 6 and still going strong at team level at 11 - so I would say, give him a break from lessons, but keep swimming as a fun activity

Original poster

Frizzyhairhelp · 12/01/2022 12:38

That's a strange comment!!! @esloquehay please explain how you got that ....

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SmellyOldOwls · 12/01/2022 12:39

@Frizzyhairhelp

Yes first week back. I know it's ridiculous. It's just disappointing when you plan something nice and then it's not great. And you're tired!!

Hello, welcome to parenting? You are the adult so it's up to you to look after your DC, listen to what they are telling you, hide your disappointment and take them home when they don't want to join in rather than flouncing out of the room, starting a mumsnet thread and generally being over dramatic about it. Take the kid home, spend a bit of time with him and talk to him about why he didn't want to join in rather than stamping your feet about it.

Original poster

Frizzyhairhelp · 12/01/2022 12:44

Thanks @seeline :)

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Original poster

Frizzyhairhelp · 12/01/2022 12:47

Lol.i didn't flounder out of the room!! Most parents leave. After trying to encourage him nicely I thought it would be best to leave to see if he was better without me there!

And I think some are assuming I was going to shout at him. I was just worried I would say something stupid which wouldn't help.

Thank you for the reality check! You're right it's just 1 class and the tiredness is clouding my feelings!

OP posts:

Incywinceyspider · 12/01/2022 12:48

When you say it's something he's done for years, is it largely aimed towards toddlers (e.g. a dance class or similar)? Could it be that he's just growing out of it?

Original poster

Frizzyhairhelp · 12/01/2022 12:50

And @skgnome thank you. These are really useful comments which help!

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SVRT19674 · 12/01/2022 12:54

Curious. My daughter kicks up a fuss going in to swimming lessons, doesn´t want to go to the "station" as she calls it and it really got to me. The only reason she goes once a week to swim on Saturdays is because our block has a swimming pool by it and we are concerned she is near it and can´t swim and we think it is an important skill. She is 3.5 years old. The thing is when you pick her up 45 minutes later she is all smiles and thumbs up and she had "a very good time" at lesson. Sometimes I want to strangle her :-) So I can relate where you are coming from. It is sometimes difficult to be calm and collected. Reading the responses you got I have also taken them on board. Be kind to yourself. You aren´t killing her just taking her to swimming lessons!

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 12/01/2022 12:57

Give it a couple more weeks, he might just be exhausted after Christmas. Mine go moody when they are exhausted.

If he’s still not budging pull him out. You don’t want swimming to become a negative experience for him, especially if you do a lot of water related stuff. Focus on swimming as a family and having lots of fun - we had to with dd and she’s very confident swimmer now, loves her lessons.

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