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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm being unreasonable. Come and laugh

26 replies

Nosnogginginthekitchen · 12/01/2022 10:05

Kids had contact night with their dad last night. He and I have amicable co parenting relationship, mostly enabled by me biting my tongue a lot.

Today is our eldest's tenth birthday. Ex drops them off holding a bunch of flowers. I stupidly thought he was taking a moment to appreciate everything I've done raising our child over the last decade, esp considering he has some SEN which have required extra work, all of it from me, obviously. Because he's only the dad

Turns out the flowers were for the youngest as a not-birthday thing. So then I was both hurt and embarrassed by my own daft assumptions. Why would anybody appreciate me, let alone the father of my children?

I am aware I am being unreasonable to be upset, although my unreasonable to be embarrassed.
Just needed to tell someone and too embarrassed to tell anyone who knows me.

How unreasonable am I to think the father of my children (who feels guilty and owes me quite a lot, which he does occasionally acknowledge) who fucked off for another woman would say or do anything appreciative on this ten year anniversary of becoming parents?
YABU - oh come on woman, stop being a twat
YANBU - YABU, but I might have had a moment of misunderstanding too so I won't castigate you too badly.

OP posts:
lilikiki · 12/01/2022 10:07

tbh giving flowers to a child whose birthday it isn’t, seems very umm… I dunno…showy?? “Look at me Mr Senstive to all children’s needs and wants”

Mummy1608 · 12/01/2022 10:08

Yanbu, who gets a ten year old flowers? What a weirdo he is

Mummy1608 · 12/01/2022 10:09

Correction, the flowers are for your younger DC? Even weirder. Silly man

Mummy1608 · 12/01/2022 10:12

anything appreciative on this ten year anniversary of becoming parents

Yanbu (again). I will almost definitely get flamed for this hehe but an ex of mine had a psycho mum who used to say to him "your birthday isn't about you, it's really the anniversary of your mother's pain [in childbirth]. We used to think, whew what a loony, but now I'm a mum I GET IT lol. My daughter's birthday will always slightly remind me of her traumatic birth, even though she's the light of my life. So yeah, I'd like flowers on her birthday!

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 12/01/2022 10:14

Who buys flowers for the younger sibling of a child having a birthday? or even for any child 🤔

I can understand why you thought they might be for you, but you know he's a knob, so...🤷‍♀️

At least you get to enjoy them before they wither and die and are put in the bin. There's a metaphor there somewhere...

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 12/01/2022 10:15

@lilikiki

tbh giving flowers to a child whose birthday it isn’t, seems very umm… I dunno…showy?? “Look at me Mr Senstive to all children’s needs and wants”
No. Comment.

But can I just say how much I fucking love thr vipers of Mumanet and how very perceptive many of you are from just little snippets of information Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 12/01/2022 10:16

@pussycatunpickingcrossesagain

Who buys flowers for the younger sibling of a child having a birthday? or even for any child 🤔

I can understand why you thought they might be for you, but you know he's a knob, so...🤷‍♀️

At least you get to enjoy them before they wither and die and are put in the bin. There's a metaphor there somewhere...

I mean, they were the epitome of garage flowers, so it shouldn't take very long for this to happen....
OP posts:
Shodan · 12/01/2022 10:19

I bet they were for you.

I bet he had a blow to the head, which temporarily rendered him decent and made him think you deserved flowers.

Then he recovered from the dangerous edge of the decency abyss and pulled himself back to the safety of knobhood.

Hence the claiming that flowers were a totes natural gift for a young child.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 12/01/2022 10:20

I nearly said they'd be "afterthought" garage flowers! Grin

Nice to know he's lived down to a complete strangers perception of him.

He'll be wanting a "Dad of the Year" award next🏆

Mummy1608 · 12/01/2022 10:21

@Shodan

I bet they were for you.

I bet he had a blow to the head, which temporarily rendered him decent and made him think you deserved flowers.

Then he recovered from the dangerous edge of the decency abyss and pulled himself back to the safety of knobhood.

Hence the claiming that flowers were a totes natural gift for a young child.

This is a good theory actually
coodawoodashooda · 12/01/2022 10:22

Yeah. I thought that was a great post too.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 12/01/2022 10:23

I'm sure your younger child will really love playing with, sorry looking at their flowers. Bet they're glad they didn't get some sweeties/crafty thing/magazine/bubbles instead Grin

Wishful thinking on your part OP, that would have been a lovely gesture on his part.

Congratulations on a decade of successfully parenting Flowers

MadeOfStarStuff · 12/01/2022 10:24

It’s a bizarre thing to do at all, getting your younger child something on your eldest’s birthday! I could understand a small toy for a toddler on their siblings birthday, but a child old enough to get flowers is old enough to understand that they’ll get stuff on their birthday but today is their siblings birthday. But then getting flowers for a child is in itself bizarre.

YANBU but just be very glad that he’s your ex and you don’t have to put up with him full time anymore!

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 12/01/2022 10:24

OP, just for clarification, was he sporting a bandage to his head? 🤕

Shannith · 12/01/2022 10:25

@Shodan

I bet they were for you.

I bet he had a blow to the head, which temporarily rendered him decent and made him think you deserved flowers.

Then he recovered from the dangerous edge of the decency abyss and pulled himself back to the safety of knobhood.

Hence the claiming that flowers were a totes natural gift for a young child.

This absolutely. It's icactly what DD's dad would do.

Flowers are flowers. Enjoy

girlmom21 · 12/01/2022 10:27

Was the OW with him when he told you they were for your child?

DrSbaitso · 12/01/2022 10:30

Obviously you're not a twat. But he's only ever given you cause to doubt him.

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 12/01/2022 11:16

@girlmom21

Was the OW with him when he told you they were for your child?
Nope. I've not seen her since before I kicked him out. Happy for that to continue as I'm not sure my tongue-biting would be able to withstand the snide comments trying to escape Wink
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/01/2022 11:18

Ha!
I was just wondering if things aren't so rosy between them and he was preparing to try and worm his way back in.

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 12/01/2022 11:25

Nah. My DP has just moved in and Ex is keen to tell me all about how he and OW are moving in together soon etc etc. It is amusing that my life has actually moved on further than his since the split despite him instigating it.
And if he did want back even he is not so clueless that sad garage flowers would be the right start. Nothing short of a time machine or a blow to the head (mine) would be any kind of start tbh

OP posts:
C152 · 12/01/2022 11:31

God your post made me laugh out loud OP! You deserve flowers for taking the everyday shit of life with such good grace and humour! YANBU!

KurtWilde · 12/01/2022 11:37

Ah what a knob. It's the kind of thing my exh does to ease his guilt when he's cancelled on them for some made up reason and can't even be considered a nice gesture because what kid wants a bunch of flowers? Confused a bloody Mars bar would have had more thought to it!

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 12/01/2022 11:49

I mean, Youngest may actually enjoy the flowers, but I will have to deal with days of tears when they inevitably wither and die and Mean Mummy refuses to let her keep a bunch of dead flowers in memoriam for perpetuity. Whatever. Not the first time I've had to play Bad Guy to the Disney Dad.

I appreciate the compliments C152. I work as hard on my sense of humour as I do my waistline (possibly harder) and it's nice to hear that at least some of my self-improvement measures are paying off, because my jeans are not as positive about my attempts!

and yes, KurtWilde, he doesn't appear to have done much in the way of birthday prep or celebrations (asking me at the weekend what he could buy Eldest, like I should still be doing the wifework for him) so I suspect guilt was at play somewhere. He's also more about the gestures than the actions so buying flowers is an easy 'way out' for him.

It actually took me a while to adapt to DP who has never bought me flowers, but instead gives me squeezes, massages, kisses, cups of tea and other - actually useful - gestures of love and appreciation on a daily basis rather than discount flowers every couple of months.

I'm not sure what I was upset about now I have a bit more distance. Probably still mourning what I wanted/hoped for than what I ever actually had. Consider my head well and truly wobbled. I made myself a cup of proper coffee with frothy milk and the super fancy roasted hazelnut syrup I got for Christmas as a gesture of appreciation for myself. Well done me. Child no.1 successfully reached double digits. Huzzah.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/01/2022 11:52

I will have to deal with days of tears when they inevitably wither and die and Mean Mummy refuses to let her keep a bunch of dead flowers

Press them before they die - then she can keep them!

KurtWilde · 12/01/2022 12:10

Probably still mourning what I wanted/hoped for than what I ever actually had.

God yeah I do this too, then I think wait..nope, I'm good Grin

Your coffee sounds amazing, appreciating yourself means far more than a bunch of discount flowers any day. Plus I'd take coffee over just about anything Grin