To think if I’m doing nights, DH should do more in the day?

[Onetiredmum22]

We have a DS who doesn’t sleep through, although he has got a bit better lately. Since birth I’ve always done nights. We did try sharing it but it just doesn’t work and ends with me up anyway so now I just do all night wakes whilst DH snores away. So AIBU to think he should be picking up more of the day to day stuff if I’m ‘on’ all night, every night?

YANBU. This is essentially what me and DH did. I breast fed so it made sense for me to do nights. DH was more than happy to do more during the days to balance things out including shopping, cleaning, cooking and back rubs on demand! It really worked for us so there was no resentment brewing away. It gets better OP.

YANBU. I do nights with the baby (and toddler who's been a nightmare the last few weeks) so DP does mornings with the toddler, gets her up, fed, dressed and off to nursery then comes home and takes the dog before work then fits in bits around the house when he can.

Yes, you're not a machine, you need a rest at some point

It depends a bit on how old the baby is, are either of you working, is there a long commute or is the work something that could be dangerous with sleep deprivation thrown in, do either of you have medical conditions...

I don't think you should aim for the same time caring for the baby, the goal should be 1. enough sleep for you both (min 4-5 hours a day) 2. a roughly the same amount of leisure time each per day

If DH is basically leaving nights to you, working in the day and thinking the pre- and post-work morning and evening are also baby-free for him, that's wrong. Babies don't only exist on weekends!

Yup. I did nights (I was just much better at them, and I couldn't sleep if DH was up with her anyway) so he did mornings and gave me a "lie-in".

Both of us work but I’m the only one with a commute, although it isn’t very far. I’m just feeling a bit like I never catch a break, although in fairness nights are better. It’s up early and getting myself ready and then taking DS to nursery, working, then picking DS up, keeping DS entertained until DH finishes, then bath and bed, then I’m tired so only an hour or so before I’m ready for bed myself!

My xh used his inability to help in a helpful way as a strategy to run me down. I'm sure your husband isn't stupid. If he's thoughtless and hasn't realised then explain it to him. Other than that get rid of him.

Of course he should be doing more. Why isn't he sharing the getting DS ready and the drop offs/pick ups?

I suppose because it’s a hangover from maternity leave - it would be me sorting DS and since I go past the nursery on the way to and from work it’s evolved that way. I don’t mind doing it but when I look at it I do so many child related things but don’t really know how to cut down any of them!

He should be your partner, he's equally DS's parent, so of course should be pulling his weight.

If you are doing the drop offs/pick ups then he should be getting DS ready in the morning.
He should also be doing his fair share of entertaining, cooking, cleaning and bedtimes.

To be fair he does dress DS in the morning.

Sorry your finding motherhood so hard.
Do not expect him to step up.
What you can do is delegate. Like you do at work.
DH are you going to wash up or put baby to bed.
Here change baby or put washing load on.
Do you want to go food shopping with us, or stay home with baby?
Baby wakes at x time if bottle feed, kick him out to do the feed. So you get lie in for hour.

@Bollindger

Sorry your finding motherhood so hard. Do not expect him to step up. What you can do is delegate. Like you do at work. DH are you going to wash up or put baby to bed. Here change baby or put washing load on. Do you want to go food shopping with us, or stay home with baby? Baby wakes at x time if bottle feed, kick him out to do the feed. So you get lie in for hour.

Why should she not expect him to step up? He's a parent too.

We did try sharing it but it just doesn’t work and ends with me up anyway so now I just do all night wakes whilst DH snores away.

How do you mean - "just doesn't work"?
Was is that DH simply wouldn't get up, or was strategically unable to soothe the baby ... making you the default parent?

Apart from dressing DS in the morning, what does he actually do, childcarewise & around the house?

I don’t know that I’m finding motherhood tough so much as working if I didn’t have to work it would be nice!

@ChargingBuck the problem we used to have was DS would not go back in the cot once awake so it wasn’t so much many wakeups as one long stressful wake-up which was horrible. Now he wakes twice but he will go back to bed so I don’t mind doing that as I know I can go back to bed in twenty / thirty minutes. In theory I should be able to do one wake up and DH the other but in practice he never wakes up so id have to wake him and then prod him out of bed and I’m not sure he’d be as effective as me at settling DS so id end up awake for hours whereas when I do it myself I can be back in bed in twenty minutes!

But I wish he’d realise I have broken nights every night and do a bit more in the day to compensate.

It's fair enough you doing the drop off/pick up since you pass the Nursery anyway - however, he should then be helping more in the mornings and at night after Nursery.
You say he gets him dressed but what about everything else - teeth, waking him up, breakfast if he has any etc?

Same at night, he should be spending time with him, dinner, doing his bath/bed etc so you can get some rest before the night wakings.

You say he's not got a commute, does he WFH? If so, could he have dinner going in the slow cooker or similar so that when you get back from the nursery run there's dinner ready for you? Then take over with son once you've all eaten.

When you say sharing nights didn't work - was he not getting up or was it that he couldn't settle him or you couldn't sleep anyway? How often is he waking in the night?

My DP works offshore so when he's off, he's on his time off if you get me (2 weeks away, 2 weeks home) and I'm still on Maternity, we take a night each with our Son, he's in his own room so I wake partner up when I hear him stir and he goes through on his nights. I do have to wake him up because he doesn't wake up to the sound on the monitor but he gets up and goes straight through. It took me a while to be able to actually get back to sleep while he was feeding him as I was so used to doing all the nights myself until 6 months but even just getting to rest in bed without having to get up helped

Can he do dinner/bath/bed? As a standard routine.

Dinner isn’t a problem as we both just tend to sort ourselves out (very different tastes) - he WFH so it has landed that I think I’m probably doing about 90% of childcare related stuff. But then a lot of that is because I’m not sure DH would do it properly!

Have you talked to him about it?

I think I’m probably doing about 90% of childcare related stuff. But then a lot of that is because I’m not sure DH would do it properly!

Well, there's your problem!

I do need to talk to him but I don’t want it to sound like an attack.

And he is probably doing more round the house, or at least I think he thinks he does more, but that’s because there are only so many hours in a day!

@Onetiredmum22

Dinner isn’t a problem as we both just tend to sort ourselves out (very different tastes) - he WFH so it has landed that I think I’m probably doing about 90% of childcare related stuff. But then a lot of that is because I’m not sure DH would do it properly!

YANBU to want him to do a bit more and should talk to him about it. I think he can either take DS when you get home in afternoon or cook dinner for all of you. I think he should do bath or bed as well, leaning towards bed because he needs to learn how to settle DS. You can’t be only person who can do that. And DS needs to learn to settle for bed with different carers - good practice for when having a babysitter later when DS is older so you and DH can go out some evenings.

But you do need to let go of the “doing it properly” idea. Mothers and fathers have different parenting styles. Yes you should agree on behaviour management and basic things like food restrictions, etc. But other than that, you have to simply leave your DH to it. Don’t hover. Don’t try and make him do everything the way you do it. Don’t worry about setting up a schedule of activities like walk, park, then building blocks...leave everything to your DH to plan and execute. That way you can hand off DS and actually relax.

I think I’m probably doing about 90% of childcare related stuff. But then a lot of that is because I’m not sure DH would do it properly!

By not properly do you mean dangerously? Or ineffectually? Or differently?

If either of the latter stand back and let him learn and accept he'll do stuff his own way.

If he's dangerously incompetent then you have a much bigger problem.

I suppose it’s things like brushing teeth - DH doesn’t bother because DS screams and fights it - and when he gives DS a bath it only lasts for a few minutes, it’s nicer when he has time to play and wind down a bit.

He did take him swimming last week for me as I have a cold but even then I had to pack everything so it wasn’t much of a break!