To think if I’m doing nights, DH should do more in the day?

[Onetiredmum22]

We have a DS who doesn’t sleep through, although he has got a bit better lately. Since birth I’ve always done nights. We did try sharing it but it just doesn’t work and ends with me up anyway so now I just do all night wakes whilst DH snores away. So AIBU to think he should be picking up more of the day to day stuff if I’m ‘on’ all night, every night?

@Onetiredmum22

I suppose it’s things like brushing teeth - DH doesn’t bother because DS screams and fights it - and when he gives DS a bath it only lasts for a few minutes, it’s nicer when he has time to play and wind down a bit.

He did take him swimming last week for me as I have a cold but even then I had to pack everything so it wasn’t much of a break!

Then you need to tell your husband his behaviour is neglectful and it's time for him to grow up and properly care for your child.

In theory I should be able to do one wake up and DH the other but in practice he never wakes up so id have to wake him and then prod him out of bed and I’m not sure he’d be as effective as me at settling DS so id end up awake for hours whereas when I do it myself I can be back in bed in twenty minutes!
So ... strategic incompetence then.
DH deliberately made it harder for you to get his to accept his responsibility, than to just do it yourself.

But I wish he’d realise I have broken nights every night and do a bit more in the day to compensate.
He does realise.
He simply doesn't care.
He sees you as the default parent, whose time, sleep, rest & wellbeing is less important than his own.

I think he needs a major bollocking.
If you gave him one, how do you think he would respond?

About the teeth that is - it doesn't matter if he's having quick baths as long as he's clean.

It wont hurt your ds to have quick bath a few times a week, it just means your dh will need to find one other way to occupy him before bed and work out how to calm him down and get him to sleep.

He needs to step up. You need to step back.

If he works from home, I'd that DH gets DC ready in the morning (he can get himself ready later) so that you have a bit of peace and quiet and time to just focus on yourself.

Do you have the option to leave DS in nursery for a bit longer on the odd day, so that you can have some time when you are not working/childcaring?

I suppose it’s things like brushing teeth - DH doesn’t bother because DS screams and fights it

Why are you accepting the fact that DH simply doesn't want to do the hard part of parenting, & is happy to let his exhausted wife pick up his slack?

Why are you so bothered that pointing this out might be seen as an "attack"?

Your DH is taking you for granted, & you seriously need to raise your bar.

Not really @RedskyThisNight - he’s in nursery five days a week as it is.

It is easier now he’s more settles at night and hopefully it won’t be long until he does start to sleep through.

OP,

"He brought him swimming for YOU".....there is your problem.

That you would think like that.

Surely he brought HIS son swimming for HIS son, not you.

He sounds selfish and lazy.

He sounds as if he is doing very little in sharing the load.

Why isn't he doing the weekends.

You have very low standards, that you would accept such selfishness.

He sounds like a shit partner and a shit father.

He should be doing far more and he definitely should be giving you extra rest as you are doing the night wakings and working.

Don't have another child with this selfish man, he will only get worse.

You have made a very hard bed for yourself by tolerating this bullshit.

Watch your health, women with shit partners often get sick through doing it all.

Oh and not good that you are nervous of mentioning it.

Not good at all.
He knows bloody well that he isn't doing his bit, but he doesn't care.

A good man would do more.

Doesn't your Dh work?

@Onetiredmum22

Both of us work but I’m the only one with a commute, although it isn’t very far. I’m just feeling a bit like I never catch a break, although in fairness nights are better. It’s up early and getting myself ready and then taking DS to nursery, working, then picking DS up, keeping DS entertained until DH finishes, then bath and bed, then I’m tired so only an hour or so before I’m ready for bed myself!

What does you DH actually do at home?

Yes, he works from home.

@Onetiredmum22

I suppose it’s things like brushing teeth - DH doesn’t bother because DS screams and fights it - and when he gives DS a bath it only lasts for a few minutes, it’s nicer when he has time to play and wind down a bit.

He did take him swimming last week for me as I have a cold but even then I had to pack everything so it wasn’t much of a break!

HE DIDN'T TAKE HIM 'FOR YOU'!!!!

Sorry, I hate this mindset.

He took his son to an activity that meant he spent some time with him.

You have a DH problem. He seems to think he has a housekeeper/nanny/night nurse.

Talk to him properly about it. His response may be eye opening (and not in a good way)