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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have ended this new friendship ?

52 replies

Honeyandlemonnn · 12/01/2022 01:07

I met this mum through a WhatsApp group chat with other mums on it . We had started speaking privately. One things we had in common was our sons ages so 90% of our conversations was about our sons or mum life . We are also both first time mums . I met up with her on three occasions where we took the kids to a local playgroup. And even though she is a nice person I just didn’t enjoy her company based on her comments . She would say how hard it is to be a mum and when I would agree would cut me off to remind me that I have a husband so I don’t know what she’s talking about since she’s a single mum. In reality my husband is never around which I explained to her but I told her he’s at work a lot as I didn’t want to go into too much details about my marital issues . Again in another outing she brought up how hard being a mum is and I agreed again and she explained how I can’t relate because Atleats I have a partner who helps me financially with my son whereas she’s a single mum and has to provide finically for her child and pay all her bills etc . Little does she know these past two years we have been struggling financially ourselves but I chose not to disclose that to her. Those comments did annoy me .
Also what did it for me was that everytime after coming home from a playgroup she wanted to call and text all the time . I really don’t want to be on the phone all the time . She was starting to get a little obsessive I felt like she wanted a bestfriend even Inviting herself over to my house on Christmas Day and New Years but I just nicely declined and said I’m with family . But honestly I don’t know her that well to invite her over . I’ve ghosted her by not responding to her messages, it was draining and the conversation never ended. A part of me feels guilty for ghosting but at the same time I feel like it’s better I end things now before things get deeper . Any opinions

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 12/01/2022 01:12

Hard to say who's unreasonable from this post
I can see her side of it
But maybe she is coming across like you say
I guess I can just identify with her

BobbieT1999 · 12/01/2022 01:13

Yes, my opinion is that it isn't a friendship I would want either.

Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 12/01/2022 01:24

@purpleme12 I see her side but I don’t think those comments are necessary. She lives with her mum. Her mum helps her out with her son a lot more than she let’s on . I don’t have any family near me but I won’t turn around and make a similar comment .

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 12/01/2022 01:24

No I'm not saying her comments are right
It wouldn't be right to respond like that

Bogeyes · 12/01/2022 01:31

Be careful. She may be targeting you for a loan.

Lucia23 · 12/01/2022 01:32

I feel a bit sad for her but also understand why you feel drained.

It is sad because she sounds genuinely sad/lonely and maybe not very good at friendships?

I can see why those comments would annoy you. Also fair enough if you don't want to disclose your financial struggle but saying something might have shut her up if she realised things aren't what she assumes they are.

I'm sure she does struggle. Was I in her shoes, I wouldn't have spoken to you like that. My mum is similar - not a bad person but lacks empathy. I probably would have said something and given her a chance but it's your life.

Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 12/01/2022 01:48

@Lucia23 this is what makes me feel guilty . I do feel like she is lonely and I so feel sad for her too. She isn’t a bad person either .

I do feel like she does lack empathy so blurts things about because in the playgroups she made a comment to a mum we didn’t know about her baby. The mum felt awkward and I just pretended I didn’t hear that but was shocked a little

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 12/01/2022 01:49

@Lucia23 I did think about giving her a chance multiple times thought about texting her . But what’s stopped me is the thought that it’s easier to end things now than if things got deeper . It would be harder for me to end things further down the line .

OP posts:
Lacedwithgrace · 12/01/2022 01:59

It sounds like she has a lot of issues she needs to sort out on her own rather than dumping on you. It's great that she can be open with you but friendships shouldn't be that much one sided hard work

Catflapkitkat · 12/01/2022 02:28

It sounds like she wanted more than you were prepared to give. It doesn't make either or you bad, it just makes you on different pages.

Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 12/01/2022 02:30

@Catflapkitkat this is a helpful way to look at it

OP posts:
UnsuitableHat · 12/01/2022 03:08

She sounds a bit overbearing and I don’t blame you for wanting to back off. The comparison comments would annoy me - what’s she expecting you to say when she says it’s hard to be a mum? And obviously the main thing is that, whatever its nature, the friendship doesn’t really work for you.

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 12/01/2022 06:31

Yanbu

She wants different friendship from you and has very strong views that her life is harder as a single mum than the "married single parent as Dad works long hours/ away" experience you have. She has family there to support her. You don't.

She doesn't want to listen to your experiences & makes judgy comments that sit uncomfortably with you . It's not equal sharing of mutual support, respecting each other, it's a one way train, on her track.

You don't have to "end" the friendship, you just don't need to be the close friend who supports and entertains her that she's trying to shoehorn you into. You can be acquaintance mums with sake aged children

Tbh I would respond "that's a bit judgemental as you don't know others experiences "
But it sounds like you don't want to challenge her comments and expectations. So ghosting is fine. Say hi in passing when you bump into her. And find mum friends that listen to each other. Life is far to short to become a prop in someone else's life.

Billandben444 · 12/01/2022 07:23

I think you've made the right decision and agree with all the pp. My only reservation is that I don't agree with ghosting - plenty of threads on MN about how hurtful it is - can you think of an innocuous text you could send to end the friendship so at least she knows you've not been abducted by aliens?

Lucia23 · 12/01/2022 10:13

Ok fair enough OP. It sounds like you've done what is right for you. All the best.

Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 12/01/2022 10:18

@Billandben444 I’ve not blocked her . She can still see me active on WhatsApp and I’ve changed my pictures a few times but I just stopped responding to her messages . I think she got the idea and stopped messaging . So I guess it’s not the type of ghosting where I’ve disappeared

OP posts:
Subulter · 12/01/2022 10:21

Frankly, it sounds like the 'friendship' was based entirely on three meetings and complaining about the difficulties of your lives while carping that the other person has it easier than they let on.

I wouldn't give it any more thought.

Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 12/01/2022 10:21

@verytiredofbeingshoutedat thanks . That’s how I felt . I would definitely say hi to her if I bumped into her. I wouldn’t be cold . But I wouldn’t want to continue the texting and calling and talking about each other’s personal lives I’d rather keep it about the kids .

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 12/01/2022 10:28

@Subulter yes that’s what it was

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/01/2022 10:30

I would take a big step back. You don’t owe anyone to be their best friend.

Billandben444 · 12/01/2022 10:45

You've made the right decision - glad you haven't actually ghosted her!

jackfrosttoes · 12/01/2022 12:55

I've a couple of friends a bit like this and I do swallow it as I know I'm very lucky and they are lonely and in one case a bit lacking in self awareness but they're not my close friends so I am careful what I commit to.

A friend you can't share with in the genuine expectation of mutual support without judgment isn't going to be a close friend, and only a close friend can text that level and expect a response!

You've made the right call, if you do see her, be nice but make it about the kids playing and not chit chatting. Gets easier when they get older and dropped off etc.

jeaux90 · 12/01/2022 13:07

She's right though, you do have no idea about being a lone parent. The fact she has to live with her mum is probably not the positive you view it as.

You are very different so just move on.

Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 12/01/2022 13:15

@jeaux90 yeah she’s right but it was an unnecessary comment . Almost felt like she wanted to prove a point

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 12/01/2022 13:19

@jeaux90 the only reason why I mentioned her living with her mum was just to highlight how different our lives are . She may be a lone parent but her son experiences being with his grandmother . My mum on the other hand has not even met my son yet. So we all have a different motherhood experience but it shouldn’t be a competition of who has it worst. I may not be a lone parent but l also have challenges I deal with that she doesn’t deal with . There’s no reason to prove a point on who has it worst etc

OP posts:
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