Should I have ended this new friendship ?

[Honeyandlemonnn]

I met this mum through a WhatsApp group chat with other mums on it . We had started speaking privately. One things we had in common was our sons ages so 90% of our conversations was about our sons or mum life . We are also both first time mums . I met up with her on three occasions where we took the kids to a local playgroup. And even though she is a nice person I just didn’t enjoy her company based on her comments . She would say how hard it is to be a mum and when I would agree would cut me off to remind me that I have a husband so I don’t know what she’s talking about since she’s a single mum. In reality my husband is never around which I explained to her but I told her he’s at work a lot as I didn’t want to go into too much details about my marital issues . Again in another outing she brought up how hard being a mum is and I agreed again and she explained how I can’t relate because Atleats I have a partner who helps me financially with my son whereas she’s a single mum and has to provide finically for her child and pay all her bills etc . Little does she know these past two years we have been struggling financially ourselves but I chose not to disclose that to her. Those comments did annoy me .
Also what did it for me was that everytime after coming home from a playgroup she wanted to call and text all the time . I really don’t want to be on the phone all the time . She was starting to get a little obsessive I felt like she wanted a bestfriend even Inviting herself over to my house on Christmas Day and New Years but I just nicely declined and said I’m with family . But honestly I don’t know her that well to invite her over . I’ve ghosted her by not responding to her messages, it was draining and the conversation never ended. A part of me feels guilty for ghosting but at the same time I feel like it’s better I end things now before things get deeper . Any opinions

@jackfrosttoes yes I agree

Well exactly, friendship isn't a measuring contest, everyone loses in that dynamic.

Like dating, you’re just not compatible. I remember meeting a woman at a baby group snd we had lunch. I texted afterwards and she never replied. I’ve done the same myself with other potential friends. Don’t feel bad

It's an unnecessary comment? So she's not allowed to say how tough she has it? Look, as a lone parent of 13 years I can't tell you how awful those early years are. It's lonely and scary at first and I was lucky, I had a decent career.

She's lucky to have her mum around yes but she might not view it that way, she probably doesn't have any other financial choices.

Both of you are better off making other friendships, you probably can't relate to each other particularly well.

Nah you've done the right thing. Everyone has their own individual challenges and she wasn't interested in hearing about yours or finding common ground, just wanted someone to talk to about how tough she has it. Fine, We all need someone to listen at times but a new friendship needs building, not just dismissing the other person and turning the attention back to ourselves. Plus inviting herself round at Christmas etc is extremely pushy. You're grand. Just be polite if you do see her.

She sounds tedious tbh. Its not a friendship id work hard to keep

YANBU to end the friendship as it’s sounds draining and you don’t sound particularly compatible with one another.

YABU to have ghosted her. You could send her a message saying something along the lines of “sorry I have not been touch. I have a lot going on right now and don’t have time for meet ups or regular chat. I wish you and DC all the best….”. That’s a better note to end it on. If she doesn’t take the hint from that, you'd be justified in ignoring future messages. But to just ghost completely is a bit rude IMO.

Competitive misery is boring, YANBU to not want to take the friendship any further.

[quote Honeyandlemonnn]@Billandben444 I’ve not blocked her . She can still see me active on WhatsApp and I’ve changed my pictures a few times but I just stopped responding to her messages . I think she got the idea and stopped messaging . So I guess it’s not the type of ghosting where I’ve disappeared[/quote]
This is terrible and childish way to handle it. At the very least send a message saying you dont see the friendship going anywhere blah blah blah. Then stop messaging. Blocking someone is shit behaviour.

Blimey. I'm so sorry OP. The guilt is awful with stuff like this. You meet someone with great friend possibilities who then attaches themselves far too quickly & slightly inappropriately to you & you're then stuck knowing what's best to do. If it were me though, I would feel something wasn't right & red flags would go up. I'm very sorry for her, but disagree with something posted above - that it's just you not wanting to hear her difficulties. I don't think you easily win friends or draw people in if you don't listen or appreciate anything anyone else has to say. Or compare & dismiss. Hideous! And she doesn't do boundaries, does she?! That's a big red flag. It sounds likely that she is having a awful time, absolutely. But to reject away discussion or contemplation of the experiences of others is not a healthy way to build relationships. She probably doesn't know how to. A strong victim stance. I wouldn't be surprised if she gets this reaction a lot & doesn't understand why it keeps happening. And she probably wouldn't understand if it was explained to her. You'd become the arsehole.
If it were me, do what your doing with bit of grey rocking. But don't feel guilty. (Hard). Something isn't right here. Good luck OP!!

Tbh I don't agree, it was a casual acquaintance that you didn't end up wanting to persue so you've cooled off the contact. She's got the message. You may cross paths again through your children. I think better to leave it this way rather than send a 'breakup text'. She sounds a bit aggy and overbearing so best just to back away politely. Obv don't leave her hanging if she asks you to meet etc but I don't think you need to formally sever this type of friendship.

I don't agree with PPs saying you ended it wrongly, that should say!

I have single parent friends who never do this, and I know they have it hard. I had a friend who moaned and droned about how much worse her life was than everyone's. I couldn't take it, as I found her to be an emotional vampire! I binned her off (ignored messages), she stopped contacting me and we never acknowledge each other, anymore. Best thing I ever did.

There doesn't seem a balance of normal friendship, fun and a shoulder to cry on.
Friends should lift you when you need it , have fun and laugh together.

Agree totally about the emotional vampire bit. They really do drain your energy. I have known 'friends ' like this and they are always so negative. No matter what solution you try to offer their problems they place obstacles in the way. Trust your instincts and leave this friendship alone.

You'll meet huge numbers of people as a mum. You can't be friends with all of them, so just be friends with the ones you actually like. I would probablu have told her I.was too busy to reply to messages for a while and then let it fade away, but it doesn't really matter.

Ive heard friendships described as radiators and fridges before. Radiators give you a warm feeling and leave you happy. Fridges take warmpth without giving back.

Be friends with radiators!

@jeaux90 she can say how tough she has it without comparing our situations . She’s expressed the difficulties she faces being a single mum in the past and I have been sympathetic. But the conversation went from her saying ‘ mother hood is so hard sometimes ‘ which I said ‘ yes I know’ for her then saying ‘ you wouldn’t get it you don’t have to deal with what I deal with blah blah blah etc’ I think in that context it wasn’t a necessary comment. She doesn’t know challenges that I deal with as well as a mother even though I’m not a lone parent.

@KittyRedSocks yes it does seem like she is going through a lot , even thought she hasn’t told me all that she’s going through I can tell and I do feel sorry for her . But I do believe she gets this a lot because she did tell me that she doesn’t have any friends and cut off all her group of friends do a part of me feels guilty due to that too. But I’ll just try to not feel guilty about it.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene maybe if would have taken that approach if we had gotten closer and knew each other for longer . But it was still very new so I felt like not responding to her previous text was easier . If she does message me again I would respond I wouldn’t ignore but I’ll probably keep the conversation short and not make any future plans

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

Ive heard friendships described as radiators and fridges before. Radiators give you a warm feeling and leave you happy. Fridges take warmpth without giving back.

Be friends with radiators!

That’s a great analogy I’ll think about this in future

[quote Honeyandlemonnn]@Letsallscreamatthesistene maybe if would have taken that approach if we had gotten closer and knew each other for longer . But it was still very new so I felt like not responding to her previous text was easier . If she does message me again I would respond I wouldn’t ignore but I’ll probably keep the conversation short and not make any future plans[/quote]
Yeah thats a good idea. Its sad that she gets this type of thing all the time, but with people that are so socially unaware its really hard. Ive worked in an office with on of those types once and it was difficult. It the end everyone politely distanced themselves from her and she was sort of frozen out. It made me feel super guilty, so I sympathise!

I am going to say you did the right thing for you. I stayed friends with someone who sounds very similar, constantly wanted meet ups, extremely judgemental about everyone else, school, basically anyone that wasn't her, and then compared our kids continuously. I felt hideous telling her that I needed space but I also couldn't tolerate her anymore as I felt constantly guilty about everything I did, which I have issues with anyway. So we weren't a good match either. I still feel bad now as it ended friendships between our kids too but I started dreading hearing from her and also if I didn't reply she would chase me up which also felt too clingy.

Perfectly reasonable @Honeyandlemonn. I don't do competitive misery, it's not a race to the bottom as to who has the toughest life. Can't be bothered with that. We all have challenges, I wouldn't remain friends with someone who thinks theirs trump everyone else's.

@coffeeisthebest interesting to hear. Sounds very similar . She has done the kids comparison thing too a few times but it wasn’t anything bad, only our last meet-up she made a comparison between the kids sizes and I felt uncomfortable about it.