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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is barbaric?

97 replies

BippityBoppityBloop · 11/01/2022 23:23

Not sure if barbaric is the right word, but I'm really angry and upset.
My MIL has cancer, she is 75, it has spread and she's gradually gone downhill. She has had mcmillan nurses going to her home but she has decided enough is enough and she wants to die. She has requested to go into a hospice.
This is fine of course and totally her choice. I've heard they are amazing places.
But, big but! There are strictly no visitors, so DH and his sister will have to leave her at the door and will most probably never see her again.
I just can't get my head around it. DH has been strong for his sister but tonight he broke down😢
How can this be happening?

OP posts:
RedFlagsAllOver · 11/01/2022 23:25

That doesn't sound right. I know someone who's aunty was in a hospice and he was visiting her before she passed

Original poster
BippityBoppityBloop · 11/01/2022 23:27

I've got 2 friends whose parents are 'end of life' in a nursing home and they are allowed to visit! They do an LFT beforehand and wear masks.

OP posts:
JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 11/01/2022 23:27

DHs uncle died a couple of weeks ago and he was in a hospice he was allowed visitors, a limited number but his wife and adult child were allowed to visit. If there's a no visitor policy at that hospice it might be worth checking others locally

SituationCritical · 11/01/2022 23:28

I know for a fact the hospices in this area all allow visitors -it does seem awful to allow someone to die without the comfort of their closest loved ones. Is this a rule due to covid?

CaroleFuckingBaskin · 11/01/2022 23:28

That sounds horrendous. Your poor family. One would hope that hospices do allow visitors. I think barbaric is the correct word.

AnotherVice · 11/01/2022 23:32

Yes I'm guessing it's maybe a specific hospice with an outbreak? I've taken a patient to a hospice recently and their family were allowed Flowers.

Wasywasydoodah · 11/01/2022 23:36

Definitely find another hospice if you can. That sounds awful

Georgeskitchen · 11/01/2022 23:45

My sister passed away in a hospice last January when we were in lock down . Because she was on end of life care the visiting was unlimited. Only rule was that it was the same 2 visitors in each 24 hour period

FallingUnder123445 · 12/01/2022 00:06

Barbaric is the perfect word for this 😢😢 we really have lost our humanity as a society over the last two years - nobody should ever have to die alone, I don’t care how many viruses there are. Definitely look into alternatives run and staffed by actual human beings.

phishy · 12/01/2022 00:08

They should look for another hospice.

Reallycantbesarsed · 12/01/2022 00:13

My best friend has her Mum in our local Hospice...all her family are there !!Whereabouts are you ? We are in South East.

Reallycantbesarsed · 12/01/2022 00:17

Also I work at a care home and any resident that is at EOL can have relatives visit with negative LFT !It's called humanity. Flowers

SD1978 · 12/01/2022 00:30

I would clarify this, is it due to a current outbreak there? Hospices and hospitals have different rules for EOLC and do allow visitors. Maybe clarify this, and I'm sorry for your family.

Porcupineintherough · 12/01/2022 00:31

My friend's mother specifically chose to end her life in a hospice rather than a hospital so her daughters and granddaughter could visit. This was last January. Please take a look at alternative provision in your area, that is shocking Flowers

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 12/01/2022 00:36

My mom was admitted to hospital during lockdown (EOL care with vascular dementia) and we weren’t allowed to visit. My sister & I were invited to the hospital for her final hours but had to take it in turns by her bedside. What difference that made to the covid risk I will never understand. I feel robbed of any last fleeting but precious moments of lucidity in mom’s last two weeks.
I hope you can find another hospice Flowers

DerAlteMann · 12/01/2022 02:23

I have never heard of such a rule in any hospice I know of. Find another would be my advice.

Pugsnotdrugs101 · 12/01/2022 02:55

My auntie is currently in a hospice and is allowed 5 nominated visitors. I would definitely clarify this with the hospice, maybe just a temporary measure if they’ve had an outbreak? Thinking of you Flowers

LovePoppy · 12/01/2022 02:59

Is it possible that MIL has set this rule up and is blaming the hospice?

HeadPain · 12/01/2022 03:00

@VillanellesOrangeCoat

My mom was admitted to hospital during lockdown (EOL care with vascular dementia) and we weren’t allowed to visit. My sister & I were invited to the hospital for her final hours but had to take it in turns by her bedside. What difference that made to the covid risk I will never understand. I feel robbed of any last fleeting but precious moments of lucidity in mom’s last two weeks. I hope you can find another hospice Flowers
How the hell could they do that to you. I'm so sorry.
Monty27 · 12/01/2022 03:06

End of life care has a different set of regulations for visitors. From what I understand you will all be able to visit. I hope so.
I'm so sorry

LadyPropane · 12/01/2022 03:36

I would look at a different facility. They should be able to have visitors.

Aprilx · 12/01/2022 03:45

Find another hospice, not one making up their own barbaric rules. My relative was in end of life care in August 2020 before we even had vaccines and they let people visit, they waived all the rules when it really looked like the end.

ThreeLocusts · 12/01/2022 03:49

It makes no sense that restrictions aiming to preserve health should be so draconian in a place where ppl anyway go to die.

A friend of mine died in a palliative hospital ward last year and there the policy was to be less restrictive with visitors on the palliative ward than on others. Because the comfort of visitors is more important at the end of life than wringing out another few days (not an NHS hospital, for clarity; a German one).

Find a different hospice if possible.

AlDanvers · 12/01/2022 03:53

I can only imagine there's a specific reasons, such as a current outbreak they can't control. Or Mil is saying this and blaming the hospice.

It really does seem barbaric and total against what hospices stand for.

CakesOfVersailles · 12/01/2022 04:47

We had similar (though not the same) during the first outbreak. A relative wanted to be transferred to the hospice but hospice had a 2 visitor only policy (same 2 visitors for the whole time).

In the end my relative chose to be in a different non-hospice facility which was not great as they did not have as much experience with end of life care but which meant the whole family could come.

I would look for different provision if I was your DH. Also check with the hospice for their reasoning and whether she has her wires crossed or has even made up the rule herself (some people do not want relatives to witness their final decline).