Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is barbaric?

97 replies

BippityBoppityBloop · 11/01/2022 23:23

Not sure if barbaric is the right word, but I'm really angry and upset.
My MIL has cancer, she is 75, it has spread and she's gradually gone downhill. She has had mcmillan nurses going to her home but she has decided enough is enough and she wants to die. She has requested to go into a hospice.
This is fine of course and totally her choice. I've heard they are amazing places.
But, big but! There are strictly no visitors, so DH and his sister will have to leave her at the door and will most probably never see her again.
I just can't get my head around it. DH has been strong for his sister but tonight he broke down😢
How can this be happening?

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 12/01/2022 09:57

It is worth checking if this is a permanent rule or a rule for now. Even before Covid DMiL's care home regularly went into lockdown if there was any sort of stomach bug working its way through.

Lipsandlashes · 12/01/2022 10:14

What! That is absolutely not right at all. My SiL is a senor nurse in a hospice and she told me that basically all rules put in place by normal hospitals go out of the window for hospices. They do everything in their power to make the final journey as peaceful and unproblematic for the patient and their family as possible.

Phyllis321 · 12/01/2022 10:14

That's surely wrong - I can visit my mum in a nursing home, as can two other 'named people'.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 12/01/2022 10:17

I don't know of a hospice in the UK that has those rules . Daughter works in the sector and I've asked.
I thinks there's been a mix up in communication somewhere

Munchies123 · 12/01/2022 10:27

I'm so sorry you're in this position.
My mum went into a hospice last April. She was allowed 2 nominated visitors for her stay, 1 person at a time, 1 hour per day. My dad was obviously one, my brother, sister and I had to draw straws to be the other. In the end we all decided home was best for her so we could all be together for her last few weeks. It is barbaric

ShepherdMoons · 12/01/2022 10:46

I think different hospices have their own set of rules. I totally agree that it would be heartbreaking for your MIL.

Are there no other options to help keep MIL at home with the help of extra care, pain relief? Perhaps if the hospice is the only way forward then there may be one that will allow visitors to come in.

DwightShrutesgirlfriend · 12/01/2022 10:58

Yes, do check with the hospice @BippityBoppityBloop. I volunteer in a hospice specifically to check that visitors have done a negative lateral flow that day. We don't limit numbers and if someone comes through the door in a rush because they've been called in, we don't even stop them to ask for their test result. Covid is massive, but some things are bigger. Flowers

MeredithMae · 12/01/2022 11:11

Phone hospice and check this is the case- if it is, find another one, even if it's further away- sounds like she may not be around for long, so a longer journey for a short amount of time is doable.

Tink626 · 12/01/2022 11:14

That is awful and I don't think barbaric is too harsh a word for it.

Topseyt · 12/01/2022 11:37

If this is correct rather than being a breakdown in communication then yes, it is barbaric.

My Dad died in hospital last March, not Covid related. He was 87 and very ill will pneumonia (as an exacerbation of COPD) and also had a long list of other health problems. The hospital he was in did not make the call that he was at end of life until far too late. I'm not trying to be too critical there as I realise it must be an inexact science, but it does still rankle because it meant that none of us were with him when he died, only hospital staff. Who I am sure did their best, but if only we could have had a few days being able to at least visit!! Sad

Beseen22 · 12/01/2022 11:59

Meant to add...if this is what the hospice are saying don't go there. You cannot have that. Is it NHS or macmillan or independent charity? If you had more time a wee letter to MP would overturn that.

You shouldn't have to deal with this at this time, you should be round your MIL not worrying about this nonsense.

I'm usually the world's biggest hospice advocate, they are lovely amazing places but you cannot drop her off to die alone. Could they increase/commence a syringe driver to better manage her at home? I've had a few agency offers to be a private nurse at home for end of life, so I would stay at the patients house and make sure their pain is managed etc and they are clean and dry but I would imagine that option may be costly. I would absolutely do it if you were scotland though rather than have her in the situation she is in. Worst case scenario you can present to hospital to receive end of life care and I think now every trust must be allowing 1 named visitor.

CrotchetyQuaver · 12/01/2022 12:09

I'm shocked at that. We had my father in a hospice in mid Ictober and their policy then was negative Lateral flow tests administered by them (or do your own beforehand and the results uploaded to the NHS website where they could check it) twice a week for all visitors. I think there was no restriction on the number of visitors so long as they'd done a negative lateral flow test.

lazarusb · 12/01/2022 12:21

My dad was admitted to a hospice on Monday. He had to nominate a maximum of 5 visitors, with a maximum of 2 people visiting each day. We have to book in advance and have negative LFTs before going in. I understand that when EOL is imminent, more of us will be allowed to visit at the same time.

I would suggest contacting the hospice manager directly and asking them to explain and reconsider this rule. It’s cruel, both for the family and the patient.

Sending you best wishes.

EllaVaNight · 12/01/2022 14:12

It's ridiculous that people who are dying are not allowed unlimited time with their loved ones.

I run a care home, we've never had covid in the building and I let anyone who is end of life to have unlimited time with their loved ones. Visitors do LFTs, have been vaccinated, wear full PPE provided by us and enter and exit through the nearest door.

During the lockdowns we were told by CQC we would be held accountable for any outbreaks and were "advised" to not allow end of life visits. I couldn't live with myself so said I'd take the heat if it came to it.

I don't know how the people running things can sleep at night when they're depriving people of such valuable time.

My friend couldn't see her husband until he was right about to die. She was on the phone to me when she was being driven to the hospital, barely able to breathe through the crying because she knew he'd hardly have any time left as they had denied every request to visit. It was just awful.

shinynewapple21 · 12/01/2022 16:17

Could it be a temporary rule because of high Covid numbers due to omicron ?

Just thinking of my mum's care home which has had various periods of opening and closing to visitors over the past two years - but they have always allowed room visits at end of life or serious illness .

Original poster
BippityBoppityBloop · 12/01/2022 21:33

So, MIL has gone to the hospiceSad DH and SIL drove her there. They were allowed briefly into MIL room.
They were told that someone will phone DH tomorrow and according to how things are then 1 visitor may be allowed but its not guaranteed.
MIL seemed happy in her room and was sat out on a chair.
I just can't believe she's in there all alone, but it's her choice. DH said saying goodbye was the hardest thing he's ever done😢
I'm sorry for those going through/been through the same thing.Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
BippityBoppityBloop · 13/01/2022 11:48

Apparently there is a phone in her room to receive calls and she seems to be quite settled. Still waiting for visitor rules tho.

OP posts:
LittleGwyneth · 13/01/2022 12:17

If that's true then that is beyond awful, absolutely unforgivable.

Onlyhuman123 · 13/01/2022 12:43

My DM was in hospital October to mid Dec where we couldn't visit. No visiting whatsoever to the ward she was on. Even one of the consultants said to me that it was 'inhumane' to not allow ANY visits. We offered to do LFT's everyday and to wear full PPE but no. I had to take stuff into her whilst she was there and I was about 20ft away from her bed and was still told NO visiting... She's now in a care home on EoL care and we can visit anytime we like providing we produce a negative LFT.

So sorry for you OP/your family and everyone else who are or have been in similar situations. It is absolutely horrendous; it's a situation I will never recover from and whilst there's nothing you can do, you still manage to feel guilty that you can't visit. It's indescribably sad.

Original poster
BippityBoppityBloop · 13/01/2022 12:44

I've calmed down abit now, I was so angry about it all, DH was in a right state but now he's been "allowed" to settle her in her room he feels better.
If they now say no visitors the s* is gonna hit the fan!

OP posts:
Topseyt · 13/01/2022 16:58

I'm glad you are feeling a little better. Hope MIL is comfortably settled still.

I do think that this potential of banning of visits to people who are definitely on end of life care should be outlawed, whether in hospitals, hospices or care homes. A few examples of it have been cited on this thread.

It is horrendous and inhumane, Covid or no Covid. People could maybe just do LFT tests and be allowed in if negative. Many would be willing to wear masks and other PPE if provided too.

I'll never forget that the only time we got to visit my Dad in hospital and it was to see and say goodbye to his dead body.

Original poster
BippityBoppityBloop · 13/01/2022 17:26

@Topseyt so sorry you had to go through that with your dadFlowers
My dad died in a busy, less than clean hospital ward 5 years ago, but I feel privileged that I could be with him in his last days and hours.
It is just inhumane to not be able to be with a dying loved one.
Apparently DH has been told he can phone MIL anywhen, there's a phone in her room, but can't visit unless she takes a turn for the worse😏

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread