To ask for your help with a strategy for not drinking on a night out

[JustAnotherDayWorkingAtHome]

I posted a while back about recognising I needed to take a break from alcohol, it hasn’t been an over riding success. Anyway I decided to seriously try to cut down this year. I didn’t drink all week and then decided to allow myself a few on Saturday with friends which had disastrous consequences, I got carried away and got extremely drunk spent next day in bits. Next Saturday I’m going for dinner with friends. Do I

1. stick to alcohol free drinks
2. set a limit for myself of say 3 drinks…

I think I’d be better with option 1 as I seem to be an all or nothing person but DH thinks I need to learn to just be able to have a few. I feel self conscious saying I’m not drinking…ridiculous I know…but don’t want to draw attention to it.

Any tips? I would drive but it’s much easier to get there by train.

Absolutely Option 1 OP. I struggle with moderation too so I recently quit. I recommend listening to the 'Sober Awkward' podcast for motivation. Good luck

1. For sure. Can't you just say you're starting dry Jan a bit late after an excessive festive period? That's perfectly acceptable and gives you a pass for a month. At the end of the month, you could wax lyrical about the benefits if you want to extend.

At some point you might be able to factor the odd drink in, but it depends on your relationship with alcohol. I was a classic binge drinker but 9 months off alcohol and then with a baby, my relationship with alcohol completely changed. It's not the same for everyone though.

Honestly, I think the answer is not to go on a night out so soon into going sober. I am an alcoholic and made the mistake of thinking I could have a few drinks recently. Disaster. Imo the only way to do it is to not pick up the first drink. I'd suggest not going out on Sat and try AA.

@Potatopotate can I ask how long you'd been sober for before your relapse if you wouldn't mind? One day at a time

Firstly find a non alcoholic drink that you like. This can often be the difficult bit. I don't know many people who want to drink coke or orange juice all night. My drink of choice is soda with fresh lime. I never go out to drink, only to eat and I can manage a couple of these and then tea! Don't take notice of what other people are doing just stick to your drink of choice.

Like everything this is all about breaking a habit.
Good luck.

Fanta and alcohol free wine worked for me

I struggled with this when I was trying to get pregnant OP, and was shocked by the pressure! People seem weirdly insulted if you don’t want to drink alcohol. I found that if I said anything about trying to drink less, people would increase the pressure.

I found that refusing to drink didn’t work well for me at work functions (is different with close friends). Strategies I found helpful were:

• going to the bar by myself and getting something that looked alcoholic, like a mocktail or grape juice. This worked great.
• accepting an alcoholic drink, holding it for an hour as I’m chatting, then ditching it somehow (abandon on a nearby table, pour into nearby vase / on floor etc) or if someone notices just say “tastes a bit weird, never mind.”
• saying I’ve just started a one month detox. This worked better than saying I’m trying to drink less. It’s all about the psychology of it. If you say “I’m trying not to drink alcohol at the mo” people feel like you’re morally superior to them and they’ll try hard to bring you back down to their level. But if you say “I’m on a detox” people judge that as an uncool faddy thing and don’t try to compete with it.

Having 2-3 drinks doesn’t work.

My DIL is pregnant and she discovered alcohol free prosecco over Christmas. I absolutely love it. I don't know of if it's available in restaurant settings but for social events/celebrations at home it's fantastic. The nicest one is Freixenet. Available in all supermarkets. Tastes like the real thing, looks like the real thing, but no booze. I am doing dry January and we have a family lunch next week. I will be buying some for that.I tried alcohol free wine for a dry January a couple of years ago. I didn't like the taste so I drank Schloer instead. With ice and sliced up grapes, raspberries in it tasted delicious and stopped me wishing for a G and T. I was married to an alcoholic and it affects forever how you see booze. I like to cut it out completely, periodically, just to prove to myself that I don't need any of it, ever. I also like the fact that I am not consuming any empty calories so my clothes will feel looser after a month too. My skin looks better too. Its a win win really

Option 1 for sure! January is a good time to use the Dry January excise. You might be surprised that people don’t really bat an eyelid. I’ve tried moderation in the past but it didn’t work and find it so much easier now I just don’t drink at all. It’s very liberating! People do ask questions but I’m quite honest with them, if they don’t like it I’ve come to realise it’s their issue!

If you think you're all or nothing then you have to do nothing surely.

Other alternative is to have say low alcohol wine, turn it into a spritzer so it's even lower alcohol and then have a rule that you have a big glass of water between each glass of wine. Then you probably physically can't drink enough to be drunk. You have to have a strategy for if they have other drinks after dinner though

Loads people are doing dry Janurary

@MinnieJackson 5 weeks. Went to AA for the first time 5 weeks ago and it was a game changer. Went to meetings for 3 weeks. But the last few weeks I didn't go due to covid anxiety etc. And my self care started to slip. Decided to push myself to go to this event and slipped up. My advice of not going out was from my pre AA life of trying to moderate, and basically I've learnt that trying to moderate is futile (for me). So if there's any doubt in OP's mind about whether or not to drink, my advice would be not to go until you're feeling totally strong in your sobriety. And go to a meeting instead. This is the advice I am also giving to myself.

Moderation is far harder than abstinence in my experience.

Just say you are doing Dry January.

I choose not to drink at all, and honestly, 1 is by far less stressful than 2. Like PP have said, use dry jan as an excuse or say you’re taking a break. I drink non-al beer and it’s great. But if you’re like me, the moderation route is more of a struggle than just not drinking and much more agonising. Good luck.

You need to just abstain on Saturday.

3 drinks is not keeping your drinking to a minimum. I know stating that risks turning this into a competitive under-drinking thread and that is not my intention. I’m trying to point out that if your goal is to have a drink to not draw attention to yourself, you should aim to avoid getting intoxicated or even tipsy. So have 1 and nurse it over a very long period. You can also have that drink be something like a gin and tonic and then switch to just tonic water and no one will notice.