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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need a hand hold

38 replies

dumphies21 · 10/01/2022 04:56

My gorgeous, amazing DP died suddenly a month ago. I've gone back to work but I'm not coping well. My work have been fantastic up until now but I think I've made a mistake in going back so soon; I have to attend an external meeting in about 3 and a half hours and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it without crying; I can't stop crying.

AIBU to ask for a handhold?

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 10/01/2022 04:59

You can certainly have a handhold. Does it have to be you at the meeting? Could someone cover?

LadyLolaRuben · 10/01/2022 05:06

My dad died suddenly and I was off for 7 weeks. I probably should have stayed off work another month. I think you may have gone back to work a bit early OP. It takes a long time to process whats happened. It's a life changing event. I struggled at meetings and agreed restricted duties for the first few months - no presentations, no last minute deadlines and mainly staying at my desk. Take care OP x

Original poster
dumphies21 · 10/01/2022 05:07

@StopStartStop - unfortunately it does have to be me - it's a project I'm running and there isn't anyone as up to speed as me, so I have to go

OP posts:
Original poster
dumphies21 · 10/01/2022 05:08

@LadyLolaRuben how were your work when you were went back after that period? I thankfully had the Xmas week, but I think now I've been back for a week I'll look silly and let people down if I ask to go back off again now

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 10/01/2022 05:25

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Ivan understand that going back to work and the meeting seem hard.

It may sound a bit corny but how about if you walk into that meeting visualising your DP?

NewYearCalavicci · 10/01/2022 05:26

I really feel for you @dumphies21
I was in the same situation 5 years ago
I had 5 weeks off work and thought I was ok to go back but I you d anything even slightly unusual / stress ful / or with dead lines just compleatly the me I was like a dear caught in the headlights, I couldn't cope with even basic stuff for the rest of the day .
I asked for and foutnatly got another 3 weeks leave . And though when I returned I was still not 100% I was better .

Ask your manager/ HR for more leave.
If they can't/ won't grant it ask for reduced hrs or work from home ..

It is hard but you will get through it

NewYearCalavicci · 10/01/2022 05:28

Oh please excuse all the mistakes I hope that my post makes sense Blush

Original poster
dumphies21 · 10/01/2022 05:31

@Clarinet1 that doesn't sound corny at all; I know if he was still here he'd be telling me to stop being so daft and get on with it...but it's the "getting on with it" part I'm really struggling with

OP posts:
Original poster
dumphies21 · 10/01/2022 05:32

@NewYearCalavicci I'm so sorry for your loss, it's horrible isn't it? I totally get you with the "deer in headlights" situation; I have a very stressful job and even the littlest inconvenience at the moment is enough to tip me over into a full day of sobbing

OP posts:
Monty27 · 10/01/2022 05:48

Wishing you strength OP. I hope your meeting goes well.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I can
only imagine how it hurts.
Do it for DP. Everyone would be routing for you in that meeting but I imagine they'll be unaware.
Let us know how it goes.

UniversalAunt · 10/01/2022 05:53

@dumphies21 my condolences for your loss.

It is one thing to go back so promptly, another to go back to full-on duties & responsibilities.

Will you have someone with you from your team as your back up during your meeting, in case you tire or become overwhelmed. Can a colleague be up front in the meeting with you in the meeting, sitting back in ‘senior consultant’’ role?

You are in the early stages of processing the shock & sudden loss of your sudden loss. Your body is processing the shock & stress of sudden loss. You need more rest & self care as you get back into everyday life.

I agree you have gone back too soon.
Preparation for this important meeting & previous days have brought this home to you.

So yes, on the basis of going back too soon, speak with your line manager & HR to arrange more leave. If you do not have compassionate leave available to you - do not take paid or unpaid leave - arrange with your GP to be signed off with bereavement. See the GP before you consider returning work to check how you are sleeping, eating, your mood & how you are coping. You may need a week or so off, you may need more.

Arrange a phased return to work to ease back in, & focus on priority projects so the business has you back for high value work.

Showpan · 10/01/2022 05:54

I think you're well within your rights to ask for more time off, don't feel silly, just be honest and explain that it's more difficult than you thought. Good luck for the meeting - is the any way to avoid doing it in person, via zoom or sending notes, via telephone? I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you manage to get some more time off.

Original poster
dumphies21 · 10/01/2022 05:58

@UniversalAunt - there will be someone from my team sitting in - but they're junior to me and so can't take on the load, so I just have to grit my teeth and get on with it

To everyone has told me that I've gone back too soon: I think I'll speak to my dept manager later today and see what they say about taking more time off, because surely I cannot go on like this?

OP posts:
Livebythecoast · 10/01/2022 06:09

I'm so very sorry for your loss Flowers.
When my Dad died suddenly, I had two weeks off as I felt pressurised to go back to work. I really didn't cope well and ended up taking more time off. There is no set amount of time to take off as we're all different in the way we grieve. Some people prefer to throw themselves back into work, I think it depends on what kind of job you do too.

You have to go with how you feel. Maybe ask for some more time off but in the meantime, I hope the meeting goes as well as it can for you. Sometimes the fear of something is worse than the actual event itself.
We'll all be thinking of you

Whatayear81 · 10/01/2022 06:14

Get through this meeting
And then talk to work urgently
Get off this thread
Tea breakfast focus
So tough
You can do it

Whatayear81 · 10/01/2022 06:16

Begin the meeting explaining that you’ve only recently returned to work due to a bereavement so building back up to full speed

NigellaLawdaughter · 10/01/2022 06:19

Oh, @dumphies21, so very, very sorry for your loss. FlowersFlowersFlowers
Yes, perhaps a bit more time off would have been better; but for today, you're commited to the meeting.

I have learned the "push back" thing:
when you start feeling a surge of grief, just tell yourself, "ok, I will just hold off until after the meeting (or after I get home), and then I can fall apart as much as I want!"
It actually works, to some extent.

And one of the best little gems of advice I was given long ago is,
"Just take deep breath and do it."

Also, you may surprise yourself!
At no time will the situation be "great", but you can still do a great job.

And afterwards, yes, it might be best to ask for a bit more time off.

It really, truly sucks, @OP, but try to block it for just a few hours today.
Let us know how it goes.
Someone is cheering for you, from here Japan!
💙

Monty27 · 10/01/2022 06:23

Routing for you in London OP xx

Mindymomo · 10/01/2022 07:20

My sister in law took about 3 months off after my brother died. She nursed him at home before, so was off for about 6 months in total. Even then, she didn’t want to go back, she has a civil service job she was given a verbal warning. She did struggle with work, but also struggled at home, but unfortunately she did have to work as she needed to earn money. No real advice, but so sorry for your loss.

marykitty · 10/01/2022 07:22

Sorry for your loss, no real advice here, just a hand hold. You are doing your best.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 10/01/2022 07:58

It sounds like you want permission to go back off op.

It's ok. If you aren't able to work you aren't. There is no shame in that. The meeting and project will be ok without you as well.

Look after yourself. Grieve how you need to. There's no pressure so take it off yourself.

ThanksThanksThanks

LadyLolaRuben · 10/01/2022 19:29

[quote dumphies21]@LadyLolaRuben how were your work when you were went back after that period? I thankfully had the Xmas week, but I think now I've been back for a week I'll look silly and let people down if I ask to go back off again now [/quote]
I told close colleagues that I was struggling to recall words (e.g. couldn't recall "milk" so asked for white stuff or "bubble water" instead of sparkling) etc and that I was distracted by fleeting thoughts and memories triggered during the day. They understood, rallied around. Im known for being calm and tough in work so they knew I must have been struggling to ask for help. I swapped work with them if it was too much for me. They were just pleased I was back doing basics and could see I was trying.

Thing is, its a totally unfamiliar scenario and you don't know how you feel. Then you think you do. Then you go "back to normal"...well try but, its not normal any more.

There's been a big life change, work is the same as always but you're not the same and won't be for a long time. You learn to live with what happened and carry it.

I have a big fast sports car. I had a panic attack 4 weeks afterwards. I realised I'd been driving at 30mph to and from hospital for a month. Then normal motorway speeds with everything whizzing past were too much. That's when I took week 5 and 6 off. I was still back too soon but phased return helped. It took me 6 months to get my mojo back in work. It took me a year outside of work x

UniversalAunt · 11/01/2022 13:50

@dumphies21 I hope that the meeting went well, & that you arranged some more time away from work to give you time & space to greave.

UniversalAunt · 11/01/2022 13:50

grieve!

Lemonyfuckit · 11/01/2022 14:11

OP I'm so so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you've gone back to work incredibly soon after a completely life changing and devastating event. I'm glad your work have been supportive thus far and I sincerely hope they continue to be. There is absolutely nothing silly in saying actually you've come back too soon and requesting further compassionate leave (and hopefully they won't ask for a return date at this stage as it's impossible to know when you'll feel ready). And then when you do go back, as others have suggested it's absolutely reasonable to request reduced hours / tasks - nothing too pressured like last minute deadlines or external meetings or presentations etc.

When my DF died last year work were great, and told me to 'take all the time I needed' but I didn't really know what that meant (as in, I felt ok that's nice but there will be a certain point when you're expecting me back) so I started feeling guilty in the second week and went back after two weeks. With hindsight I should have asked to take more time, it was too soon and I found last year unbelievably hard, and there were many points when I just felt like I wasn't coping. My hindsight advice is therefore if you feel like you need more time please please do ask for it. I know that asking for help for some reason is one of the hardest things to do but I hope you can find the strength to do so.

Are you getting support in other ways? I have been speaking to someone who describes what she does as 'grief guidance' - not counselling, but she explores things which you might find helpful with you. I have found her incredibly insightful and compassionate and helpful in navigating this and would happily message you the details if that is something you would like to consider.

Thanks