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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to do jobs whilst having the baby?

48 replies

Allinadayswork80 · 09/01/2022 20:48

So me and DH had yet another row yesterday about the fact that when he is alone with the kids (my 10yr old DD from prev relationship and our 11mth old baby) he does f**k all else.

He works hard, full time tradesman, so pays the lion’s share of rent/bills. I work part time and contribute what I consider is a fair portion considering having the kids too. I appreciate I should do the majority of housework as I’m at home more than him but it really, really, pisses me off that if I work at the weekend, like yesterday, when I get home he’s done absolutely nothing around the house. Same if I go out for the day or something. If I point it out, he gets really angry and says “well I’ve had the kids!”
or “well I’ve been working hard all week” So what exactly does he think I do? I magically somehow manage to still shop, cook, clean, hoover, walk dog, do washing AND have the kids?!!! The place is a shithole when I get in, we have a mountain of washing that needs doing, dishwasher not unloaded and pile of dirty washing up sitting on the side waiting to go in, dog hair that needs hoovering, general mess everywhere. He’ll change the baby but just leave her dirty nappy/clothes on the side or floor of her room. He’ll make food but just leave the aftermath.

AIBU to expect him to help at the weekends? Especially if I’m working, but even if I’m out for the day/a few hours. It’s becoming something I’m really resenting him for and I feel he is lazy. Works bloody hard at work but so lazy at home. Always bare minimum. It’s kinda always been an issue between us as he has much lower standards of living than me, but it’s now a general undercurrent of burning resentment and I sometimes actually hate him for it. He gets so angry if I bring it up and accuses me of being OCD but I’m really not, I don’t live in any near immaculate conditions and don’t expect to with a busy working family and large dog. Just a decent level of tidyness.

Please tell me your thoughts/opinions/advice?

OP posts:
HippeePrincess · 09/01/2022 20:50

Did you not say this stuff to him?

Personally I'm petty so I'd give him a taste of his own medicine and do nothing the next time you're looking after the kids and he is at work.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2022 20:53

As similar to another post on here... write a post of EVERYTHING you do during a week. Stick it upon the wall or send him a photo and ask him to do the same.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2022 20:53

Or even every day!

SpilltheTea · 09/01/2022 20:58

I'd do fuck all from now on and say "Well I've had the kids" when he comes home.

TooMinty · 09/01/2022 21:02

Or whenever you are home with the kids, you should create some work for him to do when he gets home. As that's what he's doing to you. Alternatively you get to keep all the money you earn from working. As his pays for you to tidy after him but he isn't doing the same.

Stillfunny · 09/01/2022 21:05

Gosh , another selfish entitled man that thinks because he works FT that weekends are for arse sitting. Because of course at weekends , meals are not needed , clothes can wait and kids don't need anything but basic care. Where do these guys come from ? Surely it is more enlightened times. What a useless that he sounds.

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 09/01/2022 21:29

Thanks ladies. The problem with “doing the same to him” and just leaving stuff - he wouldn’t care! It really wouldn’t bother him, hence why he just leaves everything. I have tried it and the only one that suffers is me! I can’t stand it!

OP posts:
Chloemol · 09/01/2022 21:32

So when you get back, gather the kids for a bath or whatever and tell him to crack on with the tidying

Tee20x · 09/01/2022 21:34

Men are annoying. "But I've had the kids" - ok but when I have the kids and manage to do a million other tasks what then!!!

Cheesewiz · 09/01/2022 21:42

If you stopped doing his washing would it bother him? I know you say he doesn't care but I would stop loading the dishwasher or washing up, just wash up single items that you and kids need to use and don't cook for him. He will soon be pissed off that's there isn't a clean saucepan to make his dinner or a clean plate to put it on or clean cups for a coffee. You need to go on strike.

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 09/01/2022 21:46

@Tee20x

Men are annoying. "But I've had the kids" - ok but when I have the kids and manage to do a million other tasks what then!!!
Yes! Exactly this!
OP posts:
Valeriekat · 10/01/2022 11:45

The oldest isn't his?
What were you doing workwise before you had the baby?
Did he want the baby?
If you are married presumably baby was planned.
It doesn't sound like a happy or healthy relationship for either of you.
It certainly doesn't sound like a loving relationship.
Perhaps you should leave?

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 10/01/2022 12:39

@Valeriekat

The oldest isn't his? What were you doing workwise before you had the baby? Did he want the baby? If you are married presumably baby was planned. It doesn't sound like a happy or healthy relationship for either of you. It certainly doesn't sound like a loving relationship. Perhaps you should leave?
No the oldest isn’t his but he loves her like his own, always wanted a family/children and desperately wanted our baby, who was planned. I’ve returned to the same job after maternity leave. Nothing is a surprise to him, he knew exactly what he was taking on and as a household, we need my financial contribution. It’s not very often I work a weekend and it’s only a Saturday daytime - we’re not talking 48hrs here. Even so, surely I should be able to have a day away from the home/kids for whatever reason, without returning home to a shit tip? He’s very happy, he’s got what he always wanted, including a cook/cleaner/maid! His only complaint is that I “criticise him all the time”. Well a) I don’t and b) that’s because he doesn’t help! There are other many good aspects to the relationship and him, it’s just this area which I fear will always be an area of contention between us. I guess we just have different standards and yes - I suspected this in the early days of our relationship but he assured me that he can be clean/tidy if he has what he wants in life ie. a family (his house was a pig sty, his excuse was that he barely spent much time there and he never considered it ‘home’).
OP posts:
Valeriekat · 10/01/2022 19:42

Ahhh his house was a pigsty!
They never change and it sounds really frustrating for you.
In my relationship I am the pig, it isn't that I want it to be like that but I am disorganised and lazy and much prefer it if someone else does it.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 10/01/2022 19:44

OMFG yes! My husband actually managed to make out that looking the DOG is a job. Like she literally just exists in our house, you mayne filled a bowl with water congratufuckinglations.

Valeriekat · 10/01/2022 20:02

What will it be like when you do more work hours/days?
It isn't really about different standards though, I would be worrying about the fact that he complains that he is being criticized when he should be grovelling and apologetic for making more work for you when you come home from work.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2022 20:12

From his perspective you knew what he was like and tolerated it. You moved in with him and added a baby and all the additional workload knowing the deal.

Having a baby is his current excuse for doing sod all but he had different ones beforehand, as you acknowledge. He’s not going to change. Very few people ever do. He has no reason to. He’s lazy and has very low standards. That’s who he is.

If everything else is good enough I expect you’ll keep putting up with it.

jackiebenimble · 10/01/2022 20:30

If he says you have too high standards or have OCD can you agree a minimum expectation?

So that any pots used are dealt with and surfaces wiped. Any messy nappies binned. And dirty clothing in washing basket. The washer emptied if its been put on. Toys put away at bed time.

A brief list. That wont overwhelm him or alienate him. Hopefully you can build it up.

Valeriekat · 11/01/2022 06:16

Oh come on, how low are his standards if he won't even bin dirty nappies?

SamanthaVimes · 11/01/2022 06:37

What’s he like with the kids? Is he actively engaging and playing with them? If he is is I’d cut him some slack because he must miss them in the week.
On the other hand if he’s sat on his phone I’d be quite cross.

Babyfg · 11/01/2022 06:48

Lol at the comment above that you added a baby like you snuck one into the house on day and he had no idea 🙄

And at the comment that you need to break everything down like he's a bloody toddler.

The fact he's leaving dirty nappies around says it all. Your not OCD his standard of living is the problem (and is a hazard to you and the children).

I'd get petty and put the dirty nappies in his work bag or drawers (after all you e tried reasoning with him), put his dinner on the dirty on his dirty plate, etc. Then when he says something just say sorry I was looking after the baby or sorry my OCD is playing up and as a supportive partner of you think I have a mental health disorder you should be supporting me.

I'd be burning with rage too

Crazydoglady1980 · 11/01/2022 07:16

This is not going to change and you need to decide if this is a deal breaker. It will wear you down, which it sounds like it already is.
Talk with him and explain that some of why he isn’t doing is a danger to the children, dirty nappies are a health risk as well as dog hair on the floor, for a mobile baby.

workingtheusername · 11/01/2022 07:17

I would explain that certain jobs need to be done as part of the day. My husband knows that the dishwasher need to be on, a load of washing in, meals cooked and mess tidied away plus dog walked. Everyday regardless of who is home. The extras hoovering, mopping, dusting etc I tend to do in week. I'd try not to say it in a "you need to do this" way as he will probably get defensive more explain they are daily jobs so need to be done within the day.

Newmumatlast · 11/01/2022 07:42

@HippeePrincess

Did you not say this stuff to him?

Personally I'm petty so I'd give him a taste of his own medicine and do nothing the next time you're looking after the kids and he is at work.

Agree. I would just only look after the kids when I have them for a bit and inevitably he will mention something. I'll then say well as you consider looking after the kids is task enough, I realised I'd been running myself ragged for no reason and we will have to split all housework between us after our respective working days, mine with the kids. Unless of course you think you can look after kids and do housework. In which case I expect you'll now be doing some.
user1471604848 · 11/01/2022 07:51

I would look after the kids, but do NOTHING for him. No washing his clothes, no dinners cooked, no shopping for special food he likes.