To expect him to do jobs whilst having the baby?

[Allinadayswork80]

So me and DH had yet another row yesterday about the fact that when he is alone with the kids (my 10yr old DD from prev relationship and our 11mth old baby) he does f**k all else.

He works hard, full time tradesman, so pays the lion’s share of rent/bills. I work part time and contribute what I consider is a fair portion considering having the kids too. I appreciate I should do the majority of housework as I’m at home more than him but it really, really, pisses me off that if I work at the weekend, like yesterday, when I get home he’s done absolutely nothing around the house. Same if I go out for the day or something. If I point it out, he gets really angry and says “well I’ve had the kids!”
or “well I’ve been working hard all week” So what exactly does he think I do? I magically somehow manage to still shop, cook, clean, hoover, walk dog, do washing AND have the kids?!!! The place is a shithole when I get in, we have a mountain of washing that needs doing, dishwasher not unloaded and pile of dirty washing up sitting on the side waiting to go in, dog hair that needs hoovering, general mess everywhere. He’ll change the baby but just leave her dirty nappy/clothes on the side or floor of her room. He’ll make food but just leave the aftermath.

AIBU to expect him to help at the weekends? Especially if I’m working, but even if I’m out for the day/a few hours. It’s becoming something I’m really resenting him for and I feel he is lazy. Works bloody hard at work but so lazy at home. Always bare minimum. It’s kinda always been an issue between us as he has much lower standards of living than me, but it’s now a general undercurrent of burning resentment and I sometimes actually hate him for it. He gets so angry if I bring it up and accuses me of being OCD but I’m really not, I don’t live in any near immaculate conditions and don’t expect to with a busy working family and large dog. Just a decent level of tidyness.

Please tell me your thoughts/opinions/advice?

@jackiebenimble

If he says you have too high standards or have OCD can you agree a minimum expectation?

So that any pots used are dealt with and surfaces wiped. Any messy nappies binned. And dirty clothing in washing basket. The washer emptied if its been put on. Toys put away at bed time.

A brief list. That wont overwhelm him or alienate him. Hopefully you can build it up.

Dont disagree if you want to stay with THIS man given his current attitude to doing anything. However just know that you shouldn't be having to break it down like this. An intelligent adult male does know what needs doing around the house as a minimum and is capable of doing it. My own husband pretty much deep cleaned our home just before he went back from annual leave. I didnt ask him to. And I helped around looking after our DC

Cleaning up after himself is the least he could do after he has prepped meals or changed the baby.

I actually what's app dh with a list of things that need done. Then there is no excuse he didnt know

TBH you knew what he was like before you had a baby with him, so it’s hardly surprising that things haven’t changed.

Added to which, if the roles were reversed, while people would agree that you should be cleaning up, they would also be saying that you shouldn’t be expected to look after his kids and that it was either his or his ex’s responsibility, so on that score you’re fortunate to be with someone who is prepared to look after your DD. Did he look after her before the baby was born as well?

Fuck that shit op, don't fester about it, just fucking tell him every.single.fucking.time. 'why is a dirty nappy on the floor?', 'why is there dirty plates on the side?' 'Why haven't you hoovered?'. There isn't an answer beyond 'I'm a lazy cunt' so he will soon get fed up of being asked. I had to train DH, also a tradesman, also brought dd up as his own, also had another baby with a big age gap.

One of the issues I found in the early years was the pretty fucking toxic, male dominated culture takes a while to negate. 'Daz's wife does x,y,z' 'Steves mrs gets up at 6am to make his pack up' 'Trevs lass works full time and does all the house work '. I found a 'does she now, more fool her, but in this house we don't have fucking maid service so shift your shit or its going in the bin' works quite effectively. Plus 'is your penis preventing you from using the hoover?' Etc.

I also banned any form of visitors as I refuse to clean the house to accommodate people he invited around. And refused to go out on a weekend as I was too busy doing all the jobs that had mounted up in the week while I 'looked after the kids'. Took a while, also told him to pack his stuff and fuck off when ds was a baby. I didn't realise all that I did until I had a newborn and couldn't physically get out from under a breastfed cling on. But ds is now 8, I am at full-time uni and dh does his share. Still has the odd day when I walk into a mess but I just snarl and have a shower and by the time I am down its sorted. My stanards will always be higher than his tho. And I will always be able to find fault but I am not perfect either, we have a good standard of living because of his job and we are happy.

Tho I will launch pots out of the sink instead of the dishwasher one day.

@user1471604848

I would look after the kids, but do NOTHING for him. No washing his clothes, no dinners cooked, no shopping for special food he likes.

Yep this. Unless it actually inconveniences him he won’t give a shit. He’s a lazy arse.

Depends how easy your 11-month old is to watch, is she at that stage of just walking (and toddles into everything/pulls things/opens everything in sight without constant supervision?) Do you have a baby pen or travel cot she can safely go in while he does jobs?

I think he should definitely do the basics like cleaning up after cooking, keeping dishwasher loaded as he goes along so surfaces stay clear, nappies in bin, dirty laundry in the right basket/left to soak etc.

Is the dog his? Or yours? Does it need to live indoors? I’d hate to be hoovering up dog hair daily.

Can your older daughter not help keep the house clean and tidy, wash up the stuff that can’t go in the dishwasher etc?

@Allinadayswork80

Thanks ladies. The problem with “doing the same to him” and just leaving stuff - he wouldn’t care! It really wouldn’t bother him, hence why he just leaves everything. I have tried it and the only one that suffers is me! I can’t stand it!

Talking is clearly not working with this dick head. For a start stop cooking for him and stop washing his clothes or tidying up.

Just cook for you and DC and make sure there are no leftovers for him.

Stop doing his washing and if the washing basket is full, put his clothes in a black bin bag and dump in his space. Same for his crap, don’t put it away, dump it on his space.

Fight fire with fire.

Is your baby quite clingy to him when your not there? I struggle here to get stuff done when the baby wont be put down.

I used to find it really difficult to do the housework when I was looking after my 11 month old. He was into everything and had to be watched constantly otherwise it was dangerous. It used to annoy me if my partner would come home and moan that the housework hadn’t been done.
When my partner was left alone with my son he would completely ignore him in order to do the housework. I’d rather he’d played with him or took him to the park but that never seemed to be an option.

@Getyourjinglebellsinarow

OMFG yes! My husband actually managed to make out that looking the DOG is a job. Like she literally just exists in our house, you mayne filled a bowl with water congratufuckinglations.

To he fair, by Mumsnet standards he could argue he carries a mental load for Ddog. Like, he checks the water bowl, fill it if required, rinses out when it's dirty etc.

I'm on the fence

On the one hand my husband is similar and it is very annoying eg making mess and leaving it, leaving nappies and generally thinking he doesn't need to do anything on a weekend.

On the other I am wondering whether he gets any free time as it sounds like you do even if only one day a week or have I misunderstood?

I also think if he pays the lions share or all the bills and expenses and treats your daughter as his own you should appreciate that.

He should be able to clean up enough that he's not leaving the house a pig sty though.

Stop doing his washing and if the washing basket is full, put his clothes in a black bin bag and dump in his space. Same for his crap, don’t put it away, dump it on his space.

And should he in return only buy food and clothing for himself? It sounds like he pays for the majority of things for himself, OP their shared child and her child.

OP Yanbu. You have to make it his problem as pps have said. Don't complain or nag, just decide you won't do anything for him for a day or two after he leaves a big mess - and stick to it. No cleaning up his stuff, dump anything he leaves around in a box and put in the garage/spare room. Don't wash his clothes. Don't cook food for him. Any complaints from him - 'I was busy sorting out the leftover nappies/washing up/whatever from yesterday. Next week I can do more for you as long as I'm not cleaning up from the day before". Not angry, just matter of fact. And repeat. I've done something similar - for me it worked as long as I didn't become angry and spoke in a neutral, respectful tone always.

Of course he should be cleaning up after himself. Drives me insane when men leave all the washing up on the side and do nothing apart from what they have to, feed and change nappies. No it’s not acceptable

I have an 19 month old and tbh I don't get much cleaning done when he's awake. He's stopped being clingy but is in to everything and I find it hard to do jobs while making sure he's safe too.
On top of that he's looking after your daughter and as we're always being told on here that's not his responsibility (only when it's a woman looking after her partners children).
Either tell him what you expect him to do, you shouldn't have to but it sounds like you need to. Or as others have said just don't cook for him or do his washing. I can see your point about mess not worrying him but surely he'd notice this.
If your youngest naps then he's got plenty to time to wash up and do some washing. Maybe you could ask your eldest to do something to help too. Not in place of your husband doing things but because in a family everyone should help out.

It's not just men - my DW used to do this all the time too. It would happen if she was alone all day with DS, or just for a few hours, or on a lesser scale it would happen if she just did one thing (If she bathed DS, I would actually run the bath and then tidy up the bathroom, towels, dirty clothes etc afterwards).
She genuinely didn't see that she was doing it. We spoke about it quite a lot and at some point it just sunk in. I think I explained that anything she doesn't do is left for me to do, it doesn't just disappear. I felt fundamentally unsupported by her and it was undermining other areas of our relationship.
When he gets home from work are there ever tasks waiting for him? I don't mean stuff that he can pick and choose / longterm projects - is there stuff mounting up that he needs to deal with urgently when he gets through the door?

Sit down and talk to him and tell him this resentment will eventually end your marriage if it carries on.
Why does he think it's fair that he does nothing when he has the kids but you do household tasks
He cant have it both ways - if working outside the house is hard and working inside the house is easy...then looking after the kids and tidying up should be easy. It's either hard to look after kids in which case he should help out because you're knackered from it, or it's easy to look after the kids in which case he should manage a few other tasks as well.
You need to agree minimum standards like stuff cleaned up from meals and nappies put in the bin. I mean that's the absolute minimum. And if he won't then I'd take it as a massive fuck you, that he expects you to work on a Saturday then put his dishes away and pick up nappies that he cant be bothered to.

I know people have different standards but nappies strewn over the place ans food not cleaned up stinks and is a health hazard and if social services went to a house with that all over the floor I'm not sure they would think it was a great environment for kids. So I dont think he can claim it's just your standards that are high.

Ultimately you might need to think about leaving, it sounds like living with him makes your life harder and his life easier

Some people have lower cleaning standards than others but leaving dirty nappies strewn all over is vile. I’d expect some mess with an 11 month old around, they can be quite clingy and it can be hard to get things done but failing to do something as quick and basic as putting a dirty nappy in the bin is just sheer laziness.

I’ll mirror what others say and stop clearing up after him. Help your DC but do fuck all for him including his washing. It’s petty but necessary so he actually understands how much you do for him.

Thank you for everyone’s comments and opinions.
In answer to some of the comments, my eldest daughter does help around the house, she probably does more than he does sometimes! She’s pretty self sufficient and makes her own breakfast, gets herself up/dressed (with some encouragement!) so it’s not like he’s actually “looking after her”.
The baby isn’t clingy and generally a happy little thing, naps for 45-60mins twice a day and even tho she is mobile and into everything now, she does has a playpen that she’ll happily play in for good periods of time too.
I fully appreciate that he wants to spend quality time with her when he’s off rather than do housework but he’ll also often dump her in the playpen and sit on his arse on his phone or watching some crap on tv.
The dog is also ours, we got her together, he is as much responsible for her as me.
It’s such a difficult situation, because he does work really hard in the week and does pay the majority of bills, for a child that isn’t his, which I do appreciate. But then he wanted this life and went in with eyes open. I warned him how hard it will be and that he’ll need to be on board if he wants a baby. I said he won’t be able to sit on his arse and chill after work anymore etc. Sigh. He does respond well to calm kind conversations about things, so I think another is overdue. I also like the idea of listing everything I do in a morning or day when I’ve got the kids to show him what’s achievable.
Thanks everyone. (Sorry for the essays!)

Thanks for answering that :) Then he does need that list! If shes happy to sit in her playpen for 10 minutes then he could get multiple jobs done in that time. If you had a baby that didnt leave the hip then a different scenario

YANBU it's not like you're asking for an immaculately clean home when you get home from work. He should be able to do basic things like unloading the dishwasher and putting clothes in the laundry basket ffs. And leaving used nappies out is vile

The baby isn’t clingy and generally a happy little thing, naps for 45-60mins twice a day and even tho she is mobile and into everything now, she does has a playpen that she’ll happily play in for good periods of time too.

In this case he absolutely should be doing more round the house!