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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws in grandparents role driving me mad (slightly lighthearted although feel so sorry for my children)

39 replies

JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 11:15

Unfortunately and to my regret, relations over the years have broken down with the in laws.
We have tried so many times, especially when I had a cancer scare as they are unfortunately the only living gp. But the dc don't enjoy going to them and they want all contact to be at theirs which is a very controlled formal uncomfortable environment.

Dh has had an extremely troubled relationship with them and now I have. It brings pain.
So... We are v low contact and with covid this has all been fantastic. But they do spring on us and pop around unexpectedly like this am. And it riles me so much Grin

So they don't come in, they are hugely critical and would be mentioning all the bad things like mess etc. They stand at the door but it's fils questioning tone and clear annoyance with what he doesn't like to hear that drives me mad. I don't speak to them so I didn't go to the door but I can hear fil questioning teen dd.
On her language choices at school for instance. He's been repetitively going on and on to dd about learning mils mother tongue since the poor kid could speak. Relentlessly going on about it, so again... Are you learning mils mother tongue. When she said no, his voice, the astonishment! " BUT WHY er why is that? How come you've made that choice?? " deadly serious tones.
Dd just said, I prefer blah.
Then asking her if she's still into his subjects (maths) again she says no... I like x... I can hear fils voice constricting with displeasure.

To think they have not seen dc in the flesh for a good year and this is what he does when he gets his hands on her so to speak! Interrogation about mils mother tongue again!

It took me all my strength to stop tearing down there to tell him to bloody well back off.
We are extremely lucky that dd is an excellent student and is doing very very well with her preferred language. Not everyone finds language easy! Her teacher also seems to adore her and there is no need to learn mils tongue. Mil has lived here for 40 years and speaks perfect English as well as her family.

What's wrong with some people!!

What's going through his head! Go around... And find out what's happening to my grand daughters language choices!! It's like he always relates what they can do back to themselves with fil surprised she's not as into maths as him? It's like he can't see her as separate and he definitely doesn't see his son my dh as separate at all! It's like we are all an extention of a them and not people in our own right!

Anyway.. Got that off my chest. Hopefully we won't get sprung on again for a while!!

It just staggers me the trying to control etc even in these circumstances!

OP posts:
Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 11:26

Although a friend said I should have gone down and backed dd up. But I've learned the hard way you can't get through to them and they will never change.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 09/01/2022 11:31

It took me all my strength to stop tearing down there to tell him to bloody well back off.

I can't believe you left your DD in the firing line.

Appreciate you know what FiL is like & there is no reasoning with him - but for goodness sake, what was to prevent you from swooping in to retrieve her from the doorstep & being harangued by a nasty old man she doesn't even like?

Next time - use your strength as a force for good!
Sounds like you rarely see them anyway, so what's wrong with telling FiL "that's enough hectoring, we're all happy with DD's choices" ?

Hoppinggreen · 09/01/2022 11:33

Why aren’t you protecting your DD from this man?

MsTSwift · 09/01/2022 11:42

In our family if one is attacked the others swoop in to defend. It’s important your dc see you standing up for them!

A family member uncharacteristically recently attacked our teens clothing choices in front of all of us and it meant a lot to our dds to see both Dh and I (politely) disagree with her and defend them to the hilt.

Excited101 · 09/01/2022 11:45

Ffs op, you put yourself first and ‘won’t talk to him’ but let dd bare the brunt of it??

BarbaraLoganPrice · 09/01/2022 11:45

Your poor DD. Why are neither you or her dad at the door with her backing her up?
If you don't want to speak to them you shouldn't be leaving your DD to do it alone. Either go together or don't let her see them either.

WorraLiberty · 09/01/2022 11:48

YABU

I can't believe you didn't at the very least call her away from the door, by pretending someone was on the phone.

If you weren't going to back her up, that was the very least you could've done.

Purplewithred · 09/01/2022 11:49

They come and just stand in the doorway? How bizarre.

You know your DD, I'm quite sure your judgement about not interfering was fine - I assume she is old enough to speak for herself and you had a good eye-rolling session afterwards.

BeetyAxe · 09/01/2022 11:55

I noted YABU because I don’t see why you are giving this man so much headspace and reacting so strongly about him being a weirdo. You know he is a weirdo, seems like it’s nothing new. Surely you can just nod along and then do whatever the hell you like, especially since you’re low contact and your DH is low contact. You are letting these people have far too much power over your emotions. If they call to the door and won’t come in say something like, well it’s too cold to stand out, nice seeing you, bye and close the door. You hardly need to worry about offending them since you do not even like them. Just laugh off their weirdness or you’ll be driving yourself into an early grave.

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 11:58

Dh was at the door with them.
I don't know if I can control myself with them and I was upstairs with headache already, greasy and in pajamas.
I have a physical reaction with them and fil always seems to slither out of it whatever I've said then they win the pr war.
Nasty mum being horrid to gp etc.

Dd said she was fine and she's quite switched on, she's told me in the past about a few things Mil has said and dd recognises it as unhealthy.

But... People forget..

I just don't think I could contain myself, I'd launch into nearly twenty years of frustration but it wouldn't get me anywhere.

At least this way they stand there and go.

The idea was supposed to be not answering the bloody door. We've managed to avoid them a lot by not answering the door! But dh flew to it and I was upstairs it's really, really annoying!!

We can all live without his interrogation!

OP posts:
Frederica852 · 09/01/2022 11:59

I can't believe you just left her to take the brunt of it. My DM did this to me with her particularly unpleasant MIL throughout my childhood and teen years and I've never really forgiven her for it

Brigante9 · 09/01/2022 11:59

Why on earth didn’t you put a stop to his stupidity? You need to protect your dc.

ANameChangeAgain · 09/01/2022 12:01

By not intervening you are teaching your daughter a very valuable lesson in dealing with difficult characters and standing up for herself (assuming she's 15 and not 5, of course).

2pinkginsplease · 09/01/2022 12:02

I would never allow my children to be grilled or spoken to like that, I would have been there defending them whether I liked the other person or not!

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 12:03

@BeetyAxe

I know. I've got much better now I've made the firm decision to never see them again.
They don't come in because frankly they are not welcome to come in. We don't need to hear another word of negativity or criticism from them for as long as we all live. It's all they seem to be capable of!
It will take me a few days and then I can forget them again.
I don't know why they affect me so much.
I guess it's been the sheer frustration I've had to deal other the years whilst they have been horrid..they hold a themselves up and sil as the pinnacle of life success that we must learn From them...
And yet I've never met such miserable people.

OP posts:
Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 12:07

A name change

Yes.

She's very good like that and I've been told before she's got good healthy boundaries.

Hopefully the door won't be breached again but if it's mentioned yet again... And I'm well I will be there but he'll act all innocent "oh its normal surely to want gc to talk grandma mother tongue, what's wrong with that etc"

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 09/01/2022 12:08

So what if you let rip? Frankly what have you got to lose? Your relationship is already pretty much over stop pandering to this bossy ridiculous old man.

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 12:08

2pink gins.

Shouldn't dh have done that??

OP posts:
Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 12:11

Mrs t.

It's the optics for dd isn't it.
She hasn't seen or experienced much of the back story... Mil is massively emotionally black mailing ect.. The last time we saw them more regularly dd was only about... 10/ 11.

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SkiingIsHeaven · 09/01/2022 12:31

My dad is like that with my DS. We just say that it doesn't suit what he wants to do in life.

Then we remind the kids that old people can be stuck in their ways and unreasonable and tell them that it is important that they make their own decisions.

Maray1967 · 09/01/2022 12:33

Your DH needs to speak up. I do with my father and he’s not unpleasant about it and my stepmum intervenes to knock it on the head. With him it’s mostly about musical instruments - but I still say he’s doing fine and working on what he wants to do. He’s not going to play what you want him to etc.
But if there was any insistence or unpleasantness I’d be having words very directly.

ChargingBuck · 09/01/2022 12:38

fil always seems to slither out of it whatever I've said then they win the pr war.

What PR war?
If you barely see them, & have no friends in common, it's hardly a war anyone's going to hear about is it?

As per PP above - you are giving them far too much head space.
Let them be as bonkers & unpleasant as they wish. Unless they start on your kids, you simply do not need to engage with them.

Skeumorph · 09/01/2022 12:43

Tell your DH that the next time he opens the door to them, you will fill a bucket of cold water and throw it over both of them from an upstairs window. And be deadly serious about it.

Artesia · 09/01/2022 12:46

I appreciate there's a lot of history, but as other posters above said, you seem to be giving this massive head space. So what if he asked (repeatedly) about her school choices? He can't affect them in any way, it's not his decision. I think the best gift you can give DD is to role model not letting others' opinions bother you. "He'd prefer you learned German? Well it's your decision, you prefer french so stick with that". End of.... if you don't care wha they think, they have no power.

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 09/01/2022 13:02

@Artesia hard so describe he's been the vice president of a large company. He's got there using hard techniques, very pushy.
I feel like I've got older dd through it now and in spite of his decade long campaign she's gone for her in choices.
Now... When she's 14 and has not seen them for a long time, no it won't influence her so much but since she's been little it's been relentless," so how's the language going" , relatives giving her games in their languages, brain box games, they send post cards in their language etc even in post cards how is the language going Grin

Mil has said he likes to "win" at all costs.
So on this occasion he has lost his campaign. A family friend of theirs once said half jokingly "be carefully of the this man he tells you want he wants you to be think before you think it".
I've been light in front of dd except to laugh at silly gp going on about it... Yet again!!

They won't get the opportunity with dd 2 as how we don't seem them.. It's why I'm ranting here because I don't want to mention them again to family.

But I must admit I do worry about the mental strain fil will put into older dd when dd hits 17/ 18 and may have contact without us.. It's not just about languages or studying his favourite subjects it's also largely a campaign to drum up an audience for Mil...

OP posts: