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Original poster

Someone help me out straight my misogynistic acquaintance !

61 replies

mummyquestions · 09/01/2022 11:02

I've had a few discussions with an acquaintance about various current topics which have left me a bit stunned.

Most recently we discussed the me too movement and Harvey Weinstein's crimes. My friend said he was sick and tired of hearing about the me too movement and that he also deserves his own me too movement, as a man.

He said that the women who actually slept with Weinstein had a choice not to do so and are basically slags for having done it. I explained about the control he had over them etc, but he didn't want to hear it and said there will have been some women who would have said NO to him, because they're basically not career slags and have morals. Whereas the career slags are now crying about having no morals.

He said he deserves his own me too movement, as women get an easier ride all the time, just because they're women and often flirt their way to the top at work and take advantage of their sexual ways.

This guy has a daughter and a son and said he can already tell ( daughter is 4 ) that she's always wanting preferential treatment. Just like all women do, apparently and this is apparently a genetic thing l.

Due to circumstances I can't avoid this person. I try to avoid these topics, but every time stuff like this comes up- I am absolutely furious, but I don't think any arguments I bring, make any difference.

Any advice in dealing with someone like this ??

OP posts:
Wandawide · 09/01/2022 11:36

This person need not be fixed by you.
If it is difficult to cut off from him entirely, reduce contact. Explain to others what you are doing and why.

Original poster
mummyquestions · 09/01/2022 11:39

@Wandawide

This person need not be fixed by you. If it is difficult to cut off from him entirely, reduce contact. Explain to others what you are doing and why.
It's not that I want to fix him. He hurts me with his comments because he includes me in that and his daughter too. He does it to hurt me personally I think.

To basically tell me he thinks I get better treatment etc and use my sexuality to my advantage etc.

He always says his daughter is just like I was.

OP posts:
SpinsForGin · 09/01/2022 11:39

Just respond 'ah, so you're a misogynist' every single time.

He'll never listen to evidence or reason but at least you're making it clear who he is.

Original poster
mummyquestions · 09/01/2022 11:42

@SpinsForGin

Just respond 'ah, so you're a misogynist' every single time.

He'll never listen to evidence or reason but at least you're making it clear who he is.

Good idea
OP posts:
FlowerFlour · 09/01/2022 11:42

He does it to hurt me personally I think.

Why are you letting this man into your life? He is purposefully hurting you and denigrating you. You don't need to keep people around just because you're related to them. People treat you how you allow them to treat you.

Taoneusa · 09/01/2022 11:43

He actually needs therapy, doesn’t he. He has a grudge against women. The mother of his daughter has a real problem here and it would be great if she were able to , alongside you, flag his need for a consciousness shift. Maybe all the women in your family could get together and stage an intervention?! Because he sounds toxic.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/01/2022 11:44

Absolute waste of time trying
He’s a hateful individual
Just state the truth firmly if he brings it up, and then move away
If he’s a family member focus on supporting his daughter and his son

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2022 11:45

Gosh his poor daughter.

I’m not sure you can do anything but I hope his wife stands up to him and the Dd sees him for what he is.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2022 11:47

As they say, if you’re used to privilege, any move towards equality feels like oppression.

Obviously we don’t have anything like equality yet but it’s amazing how resistant some men are to having to get places on merit/ not having a massive advantage.

Chunkymonkey13 · 09/01/2022 11:47

You can’t avoid him but you can say you don’t want to discuss that topic as you both have different opinions. If he’s mature enough he should agree to avoid that topic but I have a feeling he might not be…

EishetChayil · 09/01/2022 11:49

Just tell us what relation he is and how often you see him, in what contexts, etc. Then we can offer some useful and targeted advice. Why so coy?

Schlerp · 09/01/2022 11:55

OP my dad and brother are both like this. I used to speak up but they took pleasure from winding me up. Both are very proficient (master) debaters and manipulate your words to prove their points so it does feel like you can never win the argument. It is possible if you play tactically but I rarely had the time or inclination to do that.

I found the best response was to just say yeah sure in a really bored I’m not really listening to you manner and reflect on how pathetic and irrelevant they are if they genuinely feel like that. Realising my dad was a pathetic angry old man really helped me deal with his misogyny, racism and discrimination. Realising my brother was going to end up sad, old angry and alone like my dad also helped.

It’s horrible facing that and there are stock put downs you can use questioning their security in their masculinity but that would make you no better than them so why lower yourself to their level? Bored responses work best and change how you think about them

Schlerp · 09/01/2022 11:58

I should also add my reason for giving up the debate was because they will never change. There’s no point spending emotional and intellectual energy on trying to get them to see your point of view. Address it every so often when you are armed with your evidence and responses in advance and walk away and don’t engage at other times. It’s so draining of you constantly try to change them.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 09/01/2022 12:01

Why dont you comment on what he is doing - 'there you go trying to goad me again' and then move on to something else.

IcicleIcicle · 09/01/2022 12:10

Agree with SpinsForGin, something like 'yes BIL, everyone knows you're a misogynist, no need to keep reminding us' or 'Christ BIL, the 1950's called, they want their attitudes back!' and change the subject/turn your attention elsewhere. If he's doing it to hurt you then you need to stop allowing him to get what he wants. Or would misogyny bingo help? See how many predictable phrases he comes out with per visit? This one is more fun if DH or someone will join in with you so there's lots of smirks and knowing looks going between you and it's obvious to BIL you're both taking the piss out of him.

Squills · 09/01/2022 12:11

He's entitled to his views, as you are to yours.

You disagree with him and I expect he disagrees with you. It's no big deal.

titchy · 09/01/2022 12:13

How about either going NC or LC, or simply ignoring him, or ignoring those sorts of comments but responding to comments about the weather.

EveningOverRooftops · 09/01/2022 12:18

My responses would be

Oh so you blame women for you being a mediocre male? How cute.

Ok dickhead.

Uh huh, so why is it globally that’s 96% of all sex offenders are male?

Uh huh, I guess you didn’t like it when they changed the law to make it illegal to rape your wife then?

I would continue to use very blunt statements like that. Every single time.

Fwiw a cousin of mine couldn’t accept that a 15yo girl (who was honest she was 15 btw) was not responsible for an adult male sending her explicit messages and propositions for sex. Every time he bought it up I’d just respond ‘it’s OK Dave thinks it’s ok to tell minors he wants to fuck them and doesn’t see what all the fuss is about’ funny how quickly his attitude changed when his views were aired publicly.

mbosnz · 09/01/2022 12:26

I've got two main lines.

'Let's agree to disagree'.

'I'm not discussing this with you'.

Actually, I've got a third, especially for my father in law.

'Yeah, FIL, we get it, you want to pick a fight with me and wind me up. How's about you get a new game, huh? This one is now boring for everyone, except, apparently, you. Bless'. Then get up, go and sort the dishwasher (noisily), and refill everyone's wine except his.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 09/01/2022 12:30

Brother?

"Yes, we've heard it all before, poor you"

Or just GROW UP!

FlasherMcGruff · 09/01/2022 14:09

I just wouldn’t have these conversations with him. What’s the point? He’s offensive and ignorant, but refuses to be educated. I really would tell him that I’m not interested in discussing the topic with him because it’s a tedious conversation that goes nowhere new.

Ponoka7 · 09/01/2022 14:23

If it's your brother and he thinks that you were given better treatment growing up, couldn't you specifically challenge that? Was there unfair treatment of him and he's struggling with it? Other than that, you just don't engage. My answer is usually 'I wish I had the headspace for random stuff', anyone who has extreme bias isn't worth debating with.

DontBlameMe79 · 09/01/2022 14:52

I think most men, and many women have this view about the Weinstein victims but don’t dare say it. Sad on many levels.

Sexnotgender · 09/01/2022 14:57

A sarcastic yeah, won’t someone think of the poor oppressed white men with an eye roll works for me.
Don’t rise to it, don’t debate him as he’s so entrenched in his bullshit the only one that will get upset and hurt is you.

CSJobseeker · 09/01/2022 14:58

Honestly? I wouldn't even try.

He doesn't see women as fully human. That's not something you're going to change with a well reasoned argument.

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