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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cut off my family member for this?

37 replies

adviceneeded300385 · 08/01/2022 23:49

not fully cut off (to clarify), but i’m thinking maybe i should just start saying no to seeing this person as i feel like i am just a shitty backup option to them.

basically this person has a new partner and is totally absorbed in their relationship. she has a little boy with her ex and will ditch him at her mums house so she can stay with the new boyfriend etc - only pointing that out as i think it shows her priority is new boyfriend > everyone, including her own toddler. so i don’t think it’s personal. she seems to be annoying her whole family at the minute with this behaviour judging from what has been said.

but anyway, she will keep making plans with me and then just blanks me on the day of the plans and doesn’t show up. the reason is always that she’s with the new boyfriend instead. the only time i see her is if she phones and says “oh (bf) is out for the night can i pop over?” not that this happens often.

anyway tonight she was meant to be coming over for dinner. she gave me a time but through the day did not respond to me double checking she was still coming. she didnt turn up at the time she said so i phoned her sister (as she wouldn’t respond) to see if she’d heard from her. she said ‘oh yeah she’s going out with bf instead’. surely she could’ve told me this?? it’s shitty enough to override your plans with someone nevermind to just not even tell them.

i’m so sick of it and feel like i need to gradually go no contact because everytime i feel like such an idiot for thinking they might finally stick to our plans

OP posts:
HoneyBlahBlah · 08/01/2022 23:52

I wouldn't have her anywhere near me after the first time she treated me this way. What a cf

HoneyBlahBlah · 08/01/2022 23:52

Have you spoken to her tonight?

Justananimalcrossing · 08/01/2022 23:52

Absolutely put yourself first & stop making plans. Also, don't be there when / if it all falls to shit for her with her boyfriend.

Original poster
adviceneeded300385 · 08/01/2022 23:54

@HoneyBlahBlah

Have you spoken to her tonight?
no, i feel quite upset by it as i just feel like such a mug. i went out and bought food and wine etc thought we’d have a lovely night, i don’t really want to even speak to her right now
OP posts:
UserBot989 · 08/01/2022 23:54

Be unavailable from now on but in a low key way. No big announcements. Let her figure it out you're not always available.

If her mum will babysit her toddler when she's out then the toddler is safe, so i wouldnt see leaving your child with your mum as any kind of unusual behaviour.

HoneyBlahBlah · 08/01/2022 23:59

I wouldn't bother with her again, I would just pass myself with her and be polite from now on. She's a complete arsehole

Aubriella · 09/01/2022 00:11

YANBU, she was just going to flake on you to see her boyfriend, even though she knew you were going to cook for her.

OP, I don’t treat my enemies this way let alone family or friends!

Don’t make any more plans with her and don’t let her pop over, she is just using you.

Mich1986 · 09/01/2022 00:16

I used to have a friend like this! She was only available when she was single or her boyfriends at the time were away or busy. So I stopped contacting her and whenever she messaged me to ask if i was free for a drink, I would say I was busy.

DroopyClematis · 09/01/2022 09:46

This isn't a friendship at all.
I'd start to back off and be busy whenever she asks to meet up.
I would also be expecting an apology from her but that probably won't happen.

Butchyrestingface · 09/01/2022 09:57

I would mentally check out of this friendship and ghost her from now on. No dramatic flouncing (I've done this in the past) - don't waste your energy on her.

Lunificent · 09/01/2022 09:59

She is not your friend.

Brigante9 · 09/01/2022 10:00

Stop organising stuff with her, she’s clear not prioritising you even when she has plans . Rude.

CaperCaper · 09/01/2022 10:01

Just stop making any plans with her and let the friendship drift, she's not your friend because she treats you badly. An old boss of mine used to say 'you get the treatment you accept'. You don't have to be the person who she knows she can let down and it will still be okay. For that behaviour - she should be losing friends.

It took me a long time to learn that I should build friendships and invest my emotional energy with people who gave back what I put in.

IamnotSethRogan · 09/01/2022 10:06

Have you text her telling her how shitty her behaviour is ?

EnterFunnyNameHere · 09/01/2022 10:10

Honestly, I would tell her. When she next asks for a meet up or whatever say no and say why you're saying no!

ShadowGirls · 09/01/2022 10:18

100% bin her off

You're just a second option. When the b/f dumps her she'll come crawling back no doubt

I had a friend like this. Always around then a new b/f appears and you get ditched. In the end I blocked them, it had happened many times before. That was 2017 and not seen nor heard of them since

ErrmWTAF · 09/01/2022 10:21

Ayup, back off and stop letting her use you. You deserve better than to be anybody's Plan B.

I am wondering, though, if what she's going through is a new (soon to be) controlling relationship: love-bombing now with the added bonus that he gets her to cut off friends and family, etc. You know her best, OP - is this behaviour out of character for her? If so, maybe keep an open mind for later on down the line and/or voice your concerns with her mum and sister.

Be that as it may, as I said (and everybody's said!) you deserve better than this.

pictish · 09/01/2022 10:33

Rude as fuck, she’d be hearing it from me. I hope you’re assertive and self respecting enough to tell her how rude she is.

pictish · 09/01/2022 10:35

Honestly, if she left you sitting there like a lemon having made the effort and spent money to make a nice meal for her, she needs to know how unacceptable a no show is.

pictish · 09/01/2022 10:39

Even IF, EVEN IF the new boyfriend is an intoxicating and controlling force, she still possesses the means to let OP know she’s cancelling.

Antsgomarching · 09/01/2022 10:54

I’d be a bit worried tbh that she’s becoming isolated from her family and friends. If she has form for selfishness I’d ditch her but if she’s generally a nice person I’s be concerned on her behalf. Either way stop making plans with her.

Cakecakecheese · 09/01/2022 10:59

Yeah don't make plans with her anymore.

Therealjudgejudy · 09/01/2022 11:01

She is a user

CMhater · 09/01/2022 11:06

Next time her boyfriend is out for the night and she wants to come over I'd say yes then when she turns up I'd be out - and don't answer your phone. Tell wider family you're out with a friend so that when she calls them they can pass on the message.

Chely · 09/01/2022 11:06

I wouldn't plan anything with her going forward.

I would be a bit worried for her if she's never behaved like this with other bf's though.