to cut off my family member for this?

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not fully cut off (to clarify), but i’m thinking maybe i should just start saying no to seeing this person as i feel like i am just a shitty backup option to them.

basically this person has a new partner and is totally absorbed in their relationship. she has a little boy with her ex and will ditch him at her mums house so she can stay with the new boyfriend etc - only pointing that out as i think it shows her priority is new boyfriend > everyone, including her own toddler. so i don’t think it’s personal. she seems to be annoying her whole family at the minute with this behaviour judging from what has been said.

but anyway, she will keep making plans with me and then just blanks me on the day of the plans and doesn’t show up. the reason is always that she’s with the new boyfriend instead. the only time i see her is if she phones and says “oh (bf) is out for the night can i pop over?” not that this happens often.

anyway tonight she was meant to be coming over for dinner. she gave me a time but through the day did not respond to me double checking she was still coming. she didnt turn up at the time she said so i phoned her sister (as she wouldn’t respond) to see if she’d heard from her. she said ‘oh yeah she’s going out with bf instead’. surely she could’ve told me this?? it’s shitty enough to override your plans with someone nevermind to just not even tell them.

i’m so sick of it and feel like i need to gradually go no contact because everytime i feel like such an idiot for thinking they might finally stick to our plans

He sounds very good at isolating her.

Bet she didn't even know she was going out with him untill he turned up at her door just as she was about to leave to meet you. You know, one of those 'romantic' surprises. Or accusations that she was going out to pick up men/an affair partner, out on the pull with you, you're a bad influence, probably a lesbian, things like that.

Did she actually have her phone or was it taken off her? Might have been, might be more subtle than that.

Well as she’s just using you, I wouldn’t call her a friend. No big announcements, just don’t contact her and say you’re busy if she contacts you. And make this the year to find nicer people to go out with.

I've stopped contact with someone a bit like this. I feel like I've reclaimed the headspace they used to take up. The last couple of years have been shitty enough to try and make plans in, without someone actively making things worse.

thanks everyone! no tbh it’s not out of character for her - she’s always been a bit shitty at replying and sticking to plans etc, it’s just been worse with this new boyfriend. i do think there is an element of him cancelling plans of his own to make sure she changes her plans - a couple of months ago she was meant to come to a meal out with me and a few other family members and cancelled last minute as boyfriend suddenly wanted to go on a date.

she hasn’t messaged at all to apologise and i’ve not said anything either, i’m just going to cut her off tbh. just a difficult one as she is family and we have been so close in the past, so i can’t totally cut her off but i will absolutely stop being available

Good for you!

If it were me, I’d have something to say. I wouldn’t accept going to the bother of making a meal and setting aside free time for someone who didn’t value me enough to show up or contact me. I wouldn’t just shrink away and go silent. I’d tell them it’s not on AND I’d expect an apology.

Maybe you don’t like confrontation. That’s understandable. I’m 46 now and have accepted that it needs to happen from time to time if I am to maintain my boundaries and self respect.

She did you wrong and that’s her fault. Saying so doesn’t make it yours.

I think you need to call her out on her behaviour. Just going quiet lets her off scott free, and that means nothing will change. When people behave badly it is important to tell them. It doesn't have to be a big deal, or an argument etc.

Tell you you bought food and wine and kept your evening free, and then she didn't show or even have the courtesy to send an apology.
You are hurt by her crap behaviour and won't be seeing her again until she can learn to behave like an adult.

My only concern is that the bf sounds like he is trying to cut her off from all her family and friends which is a massive red flag.

People like this (and most of us have known them) bank on others being too polite or afraid of a fall out, to confront them. Scot free indeed.
You can be polite to a fault you know.

I had a friend like this, really weird. Knew her vaguely at school but would never describe her as a friend. She popped up on Facebook shortly after I had my first born and was really chatty with me, wanted to meet up. Thought it was odd since we barely spoke at school but went along with it anyway. This went on for a few years, she’d pick me up and drop me as and when it suited her and it was usually when she was single. She was single for about a year at one point and we got quite close, as soon as she met someone she dropped me like a hot potato so I cut her off. Didn’t block or anything dramatic but stopped contacting her.

My advice is to do the same. Just stop contacting her, make yourself unavailable.

She owes you an apology for being a no-show for dinner and not even calling you or being contactable.

If you don't want a confrontation with her, just blank her from now on but let other family members know how she treated you.

"i’m so sick of it and feel like i need to gradually go no contact because everytime i feel like such an idiot for thinking they might finally stick to our plans"

Just blank her, go 'grey rock' and don't waste any more time with her. She can only use you as a back-up plan if you allow her - so stop allowing her.

You deserve better than this.

Just don't make plans with her. Tell her why, then take a break.