To ask if any of the mums on here are the non-resident parent and if so what that's like as a mother?

[Draineddraineddrained]

When my parents split up it was my mum who left to live with her affair partner, and my sister and I lived with my dad. We saw our mum reasonably regularly when we were small, less and less often as we got older. She always said it was because my dad (who at that time was alcoholic and abusive to her) had said that if she went after custody he would make sure she never saw either of us again, would use her mental health history to discredit her etc. I've never spoken to my dad about it. Its entirely plausible that this is true given the kind of person he is, however my mum is also an unreliable witness and due to her not pursuing contact with us as teens as it waned, and waiting until we were adults before really getting involved with us again and various other factors, not least she didn't take us with her when she left, I'd be surprised if she had actually wanted any custody of us or would have ever seriously tried for it.

Recently watched The Lost Daughter and a lot of it resonated uncomfortably. My mum was never maternal, always treated us like confidantes and friends far more than children even when we were very little.

So I'm wondering - what's it like to be the mum who leaves? To see your kids rarely, or not at all, by choice? I literally can't imagine ever willingly leaving my daughters. And that brings up a lot of feelings about my now deceased mum (who as an adult i had a very close, quite dysfunctional relationship with) and how she felt about me/us. Especially in the light of more and more frequent threads on here where mum's state categorically that they are not depressed or anxious, they just think motherhood was a mistake and they don't enjoy their children. Any insights or views would be much welcomed.

I'm well aware men do this all the time and no-one bats an eye, so don't really want the thread to turn into a dissection of that inequality. It's more that, given that social context and the pressure on mums to stay and assume the responsibility, what is it like to swim against that tide and what motivates it?

My best friend is NRP. Not through choice. If you asked the children they would say it was her decision because their Dad has successfully brainwashed them.

She isn't the same person she was. She won't go out really, other than for really special occasions. She says she shouldn't be having fun as she hasn't got her children.

I hate that man with all my soul. Those poor children are missing out on a wonderful mother and support network I just hope that one day they finally see their father for what he is.

I was privy to all the court proceedings so I know I have the full story.

@Ivchangedmynameforthis

I'm NRP to my eldest child. My heart is broken. Iv not seen him in over 2 years (his choice not mine). I'm not abusive, an alcoholic or anything mentioned above. Just a normal, loving mother whos child has been poisoned by a Disney Dad. Iv had CBT, many many counselling sessions etc to get to a point where I can actually talk about it. The constant guilt, the sadness and feeling of loss is all consuming. The worst part for me is my other DC growing up without their sibling. 💐 for all who know exactly how I feel.

I really feel you. My heart breaks for my friend and I'm utterly sickened by the amount of so called professionals that can't see through it.

@Natty13 you wrote my story word for word. Children should be able to be with their mums. I can’t ever forgive my mother for not trying to get us back living with her. My father is incredible, one in a million but my relationship with my mum is irreparably damaged, I dislike her intensely and I have no proper maternal relationship

@HunterHearstHelmsley thank you. There has never been any court proceedings here as DC is old enough to have his opinion be enough. I absolutely 100% wish it could have gone to court as I am a professional well educated woman, good job, lovely home and other DC are happy, academically gifted and thriving. Any court anywhere in the world would see straight through them and see that I am in fact a very loving mother. My only crime and wrong doing was making sure he was punished by school for something he did which I found absolutely disgusting. I should point out he has been assessed by CAMHS numerous times and has a history of violence and being particularly nasty.

It’s complicated isn’t it. The pressure on mums to remain rp is huge, and the societal shame if they aren’t is immense.

I know when my brothers dd wanted to move in with him for a’levels- the college on his doorstep was outstanding, ran the course she wanted, her school had no 6th form etc, her mum said no. The mentality was very much “i won’t let him take my kids off me”. Child ended up having to get up at 6 and take two buses to go to the 6th form nearest her mum.

No background, involved dad, (mum had had the affair), genuinely child's choice.

As a mum I would feel the same. Absolutely heartbroken, if my child decided to live with their other parent. Somehow it feels much more impactful for a mum. I have an acquaintance whose child did move in with dad for a’levels- she’s rented the childs room out, and seems to have completely disconnected. Grief? Moving on? Who knows.

If it’s genuinely done in the interests of the child though, why do we still feel it’s wrong? Do we think men can’t parent? Or can’t parent as well? In a way has society created these dads who disconnect after a split- they’ll never be RP, never have that relationship, and is splitting between two homes good for the child?

Thinking about it- why doesn’t boarding school have the same stigma, to the same extent? Mum and dad will only see the child holidays and weekends, same as a nrp.

@Nomoreusernames1244

It’s complicated isn’t it. The pressure on mums to remain rp is huge, and the societal shame if they aren’t is immense.

I know when my brothers dd wanted to move in with him for a’levels- the college on his doorstep was outstanding, ran the course she wanted, her school had no 6th form etc, her mum said no. The mentality was very much “i won’t let him take my kids off me”. Child ended up having to get up at 6 and take two buses to go to the 6th form nearest her mum.

No background, involved dad, (mum had had the affair), genuinely child's choice.

As a mum I would feel the same. Absolutely heartbroken, if my child decided to live with their other parent. Somehow it feels much more impactful for a mum. I have an acquaintance whose child did move in with dad for a’levels- she’s rented the childs room out, and seems to have completely disconnected. Grief? Moving on? Who knows.

If it’s genuinely done in the interests of the child though, why do we still feel it’s wrong? Do we think men can’t parent? Or can’t parent as well? In a way has society created these dads who disconnect after a split- they’ll never be RP, never have that relationship, and is splitting between two homes good for the child?

Thinking about it- why doesn’t boarding school have the same stigma, to the same extent? Mum and dad will only see the child holidays and weekends, same as a nrp.

Very interesting point actually. It was my therapist that said to me, why shouldn't her father be the resident parent if that's what makes her happy?

He's a brilliant Dad to her, although spoils her a lot more than I'm comfortable with but she's thriving in school and is very happy and content.

I really think that it's only the mother that suffers alot of the time and sometimes we really need to put the happiness of the child above our own expectations. As heartbreaking as that is.