To ask if any of the mums on here are the non-resident parent and if so what that's like as a mother?

[Draineddraineddrained]

When my parents split up it was my mum who left to live with her affair partner, and my sister and I lived with my dad. We saw our mum reasonably regularly when we were small, less and less often as we got older. She always said it was because my dad (who at that time was alcoholic and abusive to her) had said that if she went after custody he would make sure she never saw either of us again, would use her mental health history to discredit her etc. I've never spoken to my dad about it. Its entirely plausible that this is true given the kind of person he is, however my mum is also an unreliable witness and due to her not pursuing contact with us as teens as it waned, and waiting until we were adults before really getting involved with us again and various other factors, not least she didn't take us with her when she left, I'd be surprised if she had actually wanted any custody of us or would have ever seriously tried for it.

Recently watched The Lost Daughter and a lot of it resonated uncomfortably. My mum was never maternal, always treated us like confidantes and friends far more than children even when we were very little.

So I'm wondering - what's it like to be the mum who leaves? To see your kids rarely, or not at all, by choice? I literally can't imagine ever willingly leaving my daughters. And that brings up a lot of feelings about my now deceased mum (who as an adult i had a very close, quite dysfunctional relationship with) and how she felt about me/us. Especially in the light of more and more frequent threads on here where mum's state categorically that they are not depressed or anxious, they just think motherhood was a mistake and they don't enjoy their children. Any insights or views would be much welcomed.

I'm well aware men do this all the time and no-one bats an eye, so don't really want the thread to turn into a dissection of that inequality. It's more that, given that social context and the pressure on mums to stay and assume the responsibility, what is it like to swim against that tide and what motivates it?

Yes, I was the NRP until fairly recently.

I've met quite a few nrp mums and can tell you this thread is not likely to get many replies because the pain is overwhelming and they understandably hate talking about it.

I on the other hand cannot stand the injustice of it and think it needs to be talked about far more. All this tripe that's spouted about gender equality... Well, in the world of custody it does not exist.

What's it like? Horrific, soul-destroying. And I was seeing my kids every month.

What motivated it? The father's control and narcissistic/emotional and financial abuse over many years, which destroyed me. When he saw that I was at breaking point, he then forced me into a corner by refusing to bring 2 of the children back on the agreed date, in an attempt to force me back into the abusive situation. To avoid emotionally damaging the children in a custody battle, and because I was primary (sole) breadwinner and had to stay where I was to keep earning, I let all of them remain with him and travelled to see them whenever I could.

Basically, when the abuse is not physical, it's impossible to get things across to the court. And when you have an ex who is using your child as a weapon, while playing Superdad, the only thing you can do to protect that child is to acquiesce. Fighting them just makes their abuse worse, and the children are the ones who pay the price.

I’d just like to put the other side of this case. I am a Dad. DD decided to come and live with me instead of her Mum. She is 14. It has been very hard going for everyone but her Mum is emotionally abusive to her. I always missed seeing more of her but didn’t push it as her Mum always steadfastly opposed any more than alternate weekends (and a shortened weekend at that). I promised myself I wouldn’t turn DD down if she asked to move here and she did. I realise it’s very hard for her Mum and it’s tough here for everyone too.

@NiceShrubbery that’s horrific, what a piece of work your ex is.

Yes, SockFluff, he is. Like many women, I had no knowledge of red flags 20 years ago, and by the time I realised, it was too late. My kids are emotionally OK and healthy, which is of course the most important thing. I am going to do an AMA because there's still so much not understood about these situations.

I was the NRP. We'd started off for a few years 50/50. He had kept the house and all contents, I started from scratch. It wasn't worth the fight, the threats of bankruptcy, threats of suicide for added years so I let him have it all. It also meant the kids still had the family home intact for their time there. It was financially crippling for a long time.
In the end , my financial struggle against the home they'd always known meant they chose to live there in their late teens.

They are now grown up and my relationship with them is wonderful.

At the time, the shame was devastating and I told very few people of the change.

Absolutely heartbreaking , my 2nd youngest teen daughter has just moved in with her dad , he lives in a fairly remote place , with a smaller school ect , if i had moved to where he lives , she would still have been living with me , but have a job , that i would have had to give up , it would also not have been a suitable place for my younger daughter , she needs the diversity and bustle of city life , where as my teen that now lives with her dad is autistic and finds city life too stressful.
So in answer to you question its heartbreaking and i feel like a failure

I can give a perspective as a resident SM. My DSCs Mum went on a decade long downward spiral (drugs, alcohol, DV) following her split from my DH and he was nearly instantly the RP. However, she then met a lovely partner and had more children and really turned her life around. I know she has regrets about missing out years with the kids but has really tried to make amends and they have welcomed her back with open arms (which their Dad and I are delighted about). I've spoken to her on many occasions about it and she acknowledges that she doesn't have the same relationship with them that she has with her younger children but that despite that she and they love each other very much. My DSC are very well adjusted, wonderful adults now who are just grateful that their Mum is in a much better place now and who love their little siblings unconditionally.

When things were very very bad with then H I planned to split. He was primary parent, we couldn't afford 2 houses. I would have had to live in a shared house.

He had an epiphany and decided he would work on our marriage.

How did I feel? Awful but staying where I was had driven me to suicidal thoughts and I was under psychiatric care.

I still sometimes struggle with my anger over how he treated me and the damage it caused between me and my DC.

One of my children decided to live with Dad at age 15. There was no fighting, no drama, me and the ex are extremely amicable. I don’t think I’d ever even raised my voice at said child to be honest as they were so easy to raise! It’s been horrid as I only see them a few times a year as they’d rather see their mates than me. I honestly think they like being spoilt by daddy. Not much I can do. My door is always open. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m a mother and the NRP. The guilt and shame I feel is all consuming.

That’s all I have the energy to say about it.

If dad sees kids once a fortnight he is amazing... If mum does not have main residency she is considered some sort of abomination... Society is far from equal and very unfair in its judgment of women. This is not fair.

niceshrubbery

RubyWho for you too.

If there were no huge problems, apart from feeling desperately, inconsolably unhappy as a mother, it must take an enormous amount of courage to walk away and be a non resident mother.
The guilt and shame projected from society would be difficult to bear I imagine.

@Toloveandtowork

But what if the "huge problems" were the husband's alcoholism and psychological abuse? Doesn't seem so brave to leave two young children when you go then.

Thanks to those who have replied. It seems in many cases the choice is out of your hands due to ex or kids making their choice. Which I suppose may be how my mum felt, that she was t strong enough to go against my dad for custody. But fundamentally I just don't understand how she could have left us in a situation she herself found intolerable. It's a hard thing to get your head around.

Lots of love to all on this thread. My mum was the NRP - she left to live with a man she was having an extra marital affair with when my youngest brother was about 8.

I look at my little DC & marvel that she ever met another person she loved more than she loved living with her own DC. To this day it baffles me. I won’t how she felt about it. She must have wanted to do it so that’s that.

I’m so sorry to everyone struggling. I’m in my 40’s now and me and my mother have a very very good relationship.

Some of these stories are just so sad and my heart goes out to you.

My aunt was the NRP. She and her husband divorced when their oldest was about 11 and both of their 2 children chose to stay with their dad. Even now, decades later she has fairly regular breakdowns about it and struggles a lot with poor mental health.

As much as I have a lot of compassion for her, I can absolutely see why her kids chose to stay with dad. She's a very emotionally immature person, she treated her kids like friends from an early age and for example leaned on them for emotional support in an inappropriate way. Even now they are adults she almost expects them to parent her in a way. It's very sad because she doesn't see it, I think she thought she would have children and they would love her as unconditionally as she loved them and that she'd get that love 100% of the time. On the other hand, their dad is a very mature person, he represented stability, boundaries and real parenting.

In a contrast to the Disney dads we hear about, he was the one who made them do their homework, go to bed on time, ferried them around their hobbies, brush their teeth every night. All she seemed to want from parenting was to have weekly crying fits because she felt fat/ugly/unloved and expect her young children to reassure her then the next day when she was in a better place (I.e. sober) everyone would get treats/fun outings/no bedtimes.

She kicked off the last Christmas we had together and I said to my mum yes, it's very draining being around her but imagine how difficult it is to be her. She has absolutely zero insight into how she affects other people. I think a lot of the mums who are NRP because of drinking or emotional abuse (NOT the ones who have shared stories here about parental alienation or fleeing control and DV) just have a similar outlook on parenthood - it's the children's job to make you feel loved and when there's any kind of the normal parenting difficulties they don't want to know because they feel rejected.

Not the same as any of the harrowing tales above.

My dd is 13 and has decided she wants “week on, week off” 50:50 with me and her dad because she finds going back and forward more than once a week (on a weekend day) too complicated logistically. She doesn’t even get on that brilliantly with her dad, and I’m not sure this is 100% good for her but she was getting very upset by the moving back and forward when she did EOW and Wednesdays.

I miss her a lot when she’s there and I don’t feel things are quite “whole” here without her. I still have younger one 10 of 14 nights.

I am.

My ds10's father is a controlling narcissist who pushed me to a suicide attempt in 2013.

He then used said attempt to paint me as an unfit mother and generally mentally unwell woman who was not fit to have then 3yo DS.

He refused to leave our flat, and intimidated and terrified me until I had to leave for my own safety.

He got residency of DS and I git visitation.

I now have DS around 35% of the time. I'm in the middle of another court battle right now, trying to increase it to 50%.

What is it like?... soul destroying is what it's like. The constant feeling that I failed as a mother, that I failed to be there for ds, and do the one thing a mother is meant to do. All the nights he went to bed without a kiss from his mum. All the raised eyebrows and look of surprise when someone finds out I don't have custody of my own child. All the times I grit my teeth when someone tells me I'm lucky, because I can still go out when I please, and lie in when I don't have ds. I would give this up in a heartbeat, to have my boy with me.

If you can avoid being the NRP, then do. Do. It has psychologically damaged me for life.

@Natty13

The way you describe your aunt really resonates with my memories of my mother. She too treated us like her friends, over confided (told us in detail about her suicide attempts when we were 8 and 10) and over relied on us for emotional support. She was also incredibly sensitive to anything she perceived as rejection or criticism or betrayal. She was very emotionally fragile. And when she was alive I had a lot of sympathy with her, felt very responsible for her and we were very enmeshed. Now she's dead, and I am struggling to be a good parent to my girls and have healthy relationships with them I realise what a handicap it is to have no idea what that really looks like.

I'm NRP to my eldest child. My heart is broken. Iv not seen him in over 2 years (his choice not mine). I'm not abusive, an alcoholic or anything mentioned above. Just a normal, loving mother whos child has been poisoned by a Disney Dad. Iv had CBT, many many counselling sessions etc to get to a point where I can actually talk about it. The constant guilt, the sadness and feeling of loss is all consuming. The worst part for me is my other DC growing up without their sibling. 💐 for all who know exactly how I feel.

My exh and I share 50:50 care except that he chose a trendy house near our city & he is also very lenient & less disciplined than I am. I live in a remote village. As a consequence my dcs choose to live more at his than at mine.

I won’t lie, it did hurt at first, but now I make a lot of effort to see my eldest in particular, by suggesting lunch dates, dinners here, offering lifts. I just have to work that little bit harder. They were/are also at boarding schools which meant even less time together! The time in the car has been invaluable. I find myself offering lifts a lot, to stay engaged, and also using social media to check in (non invasively!) where appropriate, or suggesting things to do together. One of them recognises now that my house is tidier and more ordered than my ex’s, and that the bedrooms here are larger with more space for get-together with friends, and seems to be starting to prefer it. Time will tell…

A friend of a friend left her DH and two young daughters to move to the US with a man.

My friend was horrified she chose to do that. But life is not usually as simple as choice A or B, I find.

I was raised by my Dad and now I've ended up being the NRP with my eldest daughter, it's like history repeating itself.

Except I have a great relationship with DD's dad.
She just prefers to be with him because she's an only child there and can do whatever she wants and I have two more younger children and rules at my house.
I see her every Sunday. Her choice. She has a busy schedule during the week!

I hate it, the guilt eats me up every second of every day. Everyone tells me, as long as she is happy that's all that matters. And she is very happy. It's only me that's hurting.

The worst is I spent the first 5 years of her life working all the hours under the sun to keep a roof over our heads when I split with her Dad. He never paid a penny towards her but within that time their relationship grew because I was never there.
I feel very bitter about that.

I would say that our 50:50 arrangement is more like 90:10 😬

It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. In my case it was incited by PND and PTSD. But like @RubyWho I just can't talk too much about it.