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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad not to have a son

49 replies

Januaryistheworst · 08/01/2022 22:47

I had fertility struggles for years, had miracle Dd and very happy.
Deep down I always knew I’d be sad if I never had a daughter and knew almost straightaway I was having a girl
But, being a teacher, boys have always been my sort of favourites, I find them easier than girls in general and softer characters, again in general.
Aibu to feel sad that I’ll never have a boy?
How is having a boy different to having a girl?

OP posts:
chillidoritto · 08/01/2022 23:51

I had DD then 4 boys. I don't prefer the boys over DD! I love each child individually, not based on their sex.

DoucheCanoe · 09/01/2022 00:13

I have one of each.

There are definite personality differences in them but none of it is determined by their sex.

YANBU to have a bit of the old missing out on what you've never had but in reality i'm sure you know it's something you just have to deal and come to peace with.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2022 00:16

I feel a bit similar op, I have boys. They're wonderful but I do wonder what it would be like to have a daughter, to see what that different relationship would be like. And yeah they're all individuals etc and DS rocks a princess dress (truly) but there's still a little part of me that's a bit sad

FreeFrenchHens · 09/01/2022 00:16

Once they are here and growing up, their sheer personality takes over. Whether they are a girl or a boy is almost a detail.

You might prefer some sort of generic concept of a boy to some generic concept of a girl, but your daughter will be neither of those things. She'll be infinitely better, more lovable and more interesting than either.

Chunkymonkey13 · 09/01/2022 00:17

I get this, I was convinced I was going to have all boys and was always a bit sad at that thought.

Your feelings are valid and it’s probably not linked to the sex of the children. It’s the fact you had the possibility of having a boy taken away. It’s bigger than just having a boy vs girl.

I did end up having a boy and girl and I do think there is a difference between boys and girls generally. It’s been proven boys in general are bigger risk takers etc. No major difference from a parenting point of view other than I get to say stop touching your willy a lot more than an thought

bottleofbeer · 09/01/2022 00:18

I don't know? They are just my children.

Youngatheart00 · 09/01/2022 00:19

Be very grateful to have a child.

Some of us with infertility didn’t manage to have any 💔

SmellyOldOwls · 09/01/2022 00:30

It's human nature to ponder what could have been. I have a boy and a girl and despite the fact I secretly hoped DD would be a girl when I watch Friday Night Dinner I think aw I'd have liked DS to have a brother. They're just thoughts, they're often totally daft and if they pop into your head every now and then and go away again that is normal.

Original poster
Januaryistheworst · 09/01/2022 00:32

@Youngatheart00 I’m very sorry, I know exactly how it feels. I struggled for 10 years, many miscarriages, an emergency ectopic that almost killed me and three rounds of ivf. I’m very very grateful. I can still be sad though to have what others have much more easily
I am very grateful but have also been through hell to get here

OP posts:
KatherineofGaunt · 09/01/2022 00:33

I have one son. I'd love to have a daughter, but it's almost certain we won't (over 40 and worries for complications or health issues for various reasons).

I just constantly count my blessings I have a son. That helps.

WandaWomblesaurus73 · 09/01/2022 00:42

My daughter is the greatest gift of my life and utterly perfect.
I can't see how a son would be better.

In India they abort daughters in their obsession to have sons. Maybe because of that (I'm Indian) I wanted a daughter more than a son and she's absolutely the light of my life. We do so much together and share so many experiences as females - most of the mums of boys I know don't end up spending much time together as their kids get older.

I would trust my daughter with my life.

Original poster
Januaryistheworst · 09/01/2022 00:46

@WandaWomblesaurus73 Definitely not saying a son is better 🤷🏻‍♀️I always always wanted a daughter first and foremost and cannot believe I actually have one, I never saw that ever happening.
I’m just saying it’s sad in a way to miss out in seeing what it’s like to have a son also.
People with loads of kids are very fortunate!

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 09/01/2022 01:06

You baby's gender tells you nothing about them. Maybe time to look carefully at the internalised sexism of feeling you prefer the boys you teach.

bottleofbeer · 09/01/2022 01:10

Honestly it makes no odds.

I had three boys and was always hearing that people were sorry for my disappointment. Then I had a girl and she has grown up to be gay without a feminine bone in her body 😁

flashbac · 09/01/2022 01:18

@Januaryistheworst

I had fertility struggles for years, had miracle Dd and very happy. Deep down I always knew I’d be sad if I never had a daughter and knew almost straightaway I was having a girl But, being a teacher, boys have always been my sort of favourites, I find them easier than girls in general and softer characters, again in general. Aibu to feel sad that I’ll never have a boy? How is having a boy different to having a girl?
Sorry but it sounds like you have some not-so-unconscious bias going on. I hope the girls in your class don't get negative vibes from your self-confessed preferences of boys and your generalisation that "boys are softer".
PixieAndProsecco · 09/01/2022 01:19

I think some of the responses are a little harsh.
It's perfectly natural to feel sad about the situation as many people feel sad about not being able to have something they see others having.

It isn't about not having a son per say, more about knowing you won't have that chance and won't get to experience that dynamic.

I have two sons, both are as different to the other as they come. I treasure my relationships with them and would never want them to be anyone else.
However, I also know that I will never have a daughter because DH and I are finished having children and I am sad about not having a daughter. I don't particularly want a daughter but I am sad that I won't get to experience a mother-daughter relationship, in whichever form that may have taken. That doesn't mean I am not grateful to have two healthy children, it doesn't mean I wish my sons were different, it simply means that part of me was curious about a daughter and knowing it won't happen feels like a loss in some way without it being a loss.

It's difficult to explain but I know what you mean OP and you are not being unreasonable, to me.

CheshireChat · 09/01/2022 01:20

It sounds a bit like you wanted a DD which you couldn't have Flowers and then got one so started wanting a DS as well. Sounds pretty normal to me.

onedayoranother · 09/01/2022 01:29

I have one of each. I definitely think there is a difference. Not a preference for one over the other but my friends who have both would say the same.
However I have found my son more difficult and that is down to personality - we have always clashed a bit. He is social, gregarious, restless and high energy. I am not.
It's normal to think 'what if', so don't beat yourself up about it.
But there are many things in life we can't have for whatever reason. My husband died unexpectedly when my kids were small. My cousin has one child who is disabled and will never be able to live independently. My sister wasn't able to have any. A friend had a fourth unexpectedly and finds it overwhelming.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2022 01:31

But, being a teacher, boys have always been my sort of favourites, I find them easier than girls in general and softer characters, again in general.

I can't stand this thinking. Men go on to commit the vast majority of violent crime. And it doesn't come from nothing. They're probably 'easier' for you because you have different behaviour standards. 'Softer' my arse.

I may partially be angry because my 'difficult' (read SEN) DD was bullied by a group of boys and it was all, "really, I don't believe it, such a nice boy" until I caught them at it.

DustyMaiden · 09/01/2022 01:35

I don’t think there is a difference based on sex. I have two girls and a boy. They are all different in every possible way.

My DH really wanted a boy. The one he got is totally different to him.

RJnomore1 · 09/01/2022 01:38

I have two daughters. I love them dearly but I always imagined having a son. I understand how you feel. I don’t want to replace the children I have and adore but I still feel now like one of the family is missing.

It sounds stupid and selfish. I know this. I was told I’d probably never carry a baby to term so I’m especially grateful for my two. But still it’s there.

FruitMelange · 09/01/2022 02:21

I have all girls and I've never hankered after a son. You get what you get. I've observed that boys seem to be a lot harder work than girls so maybe that's why

AlexaShutUp · 09/01/2022 02:28

I always imagined having a son...didn't necessarily prefer one, just sort of thought that's what I would get. After having my dd, I felt nothing other than gratitude for having a daughter. I love being mum to a girl and wouldn't change it for anything.

Duckerbizzle · 09/01/2022 06:10

I have both. Honestly, truly, my daughter is the easy going one and my son has been much more challenging right from the word go, including his terrible sleeping! Of course I love them both exactly the same, but it just isn't true that girls are difficult and boys are easy. Also with mine I've never thought that their personalities are anything to do with their sex, it's just how they are.

fiveminutebreak · 09/01/2022 06:22

I have one of each and love them both dearly but my son is definitely more emotionally complex than may daughter! It's thrown me a bit as I think there's a general view that boys are straightforward and girls are complicated...definitely not my experience as a parent.