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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad not to have a son

49 replies

Januaryistheworst · 08/01/2022 22:47

I had fertility struggles for years, had miracle Dd and very happy.
Deep down I always knew I’d be sad if I never had a daughter and knew almost straightaway I was having a girl
But, being a teacher, boys have always been my sort of favourites, I find them easier than girls in general and softer characters, again in general.
Aibu to feel sad that I’ll never have a boy?
How is having a boy different to having a girl?

OP posts:
Floss89 · 09/01/2022 07:04

I also have 1 of each, I find my son easier going but I do a bit more with my daughter as we have similar interests but I have found I am getting more interested in soccer etc due to my sons interest in sport. I love them both the same. I really do think its down to personality as I have friends who find their daughters easier and vice versa. Your child is your child regardless of whether they are boy or a girl.

BigButtons · 09/01/2022 07:14

I have 3 of each. My boys were and are much much easier than my girls. But I can share more with my girls and I have more in common with them because we are all women. Teenage girls are very very difficult ime.

rrhuth · 09/01/2022 07:17

But, being a teacher, boys have always been my sort of favourites, I find them easier than girls in general and softer characters, again in general.

I'm sorry to say but this is shockingly awful sexism, and complete rubbish about boys/girls.

I'm sorry if you feel your family is not complete of course, but these sexist attitudes are not good in a teacher.

PinkestMoon · 09/01/2022 07:19

I understand where you're coming from OP, your point has got a bit derailed by the 'gender isn't the point' angle but I think it's human nature to wonder what it would be like to have a son, a daughter, to desire this wonderful thing, either way - exactly because all children are a blessing

user1478172746 · 09/01/2022 07:22

They both are my treasures, Im grateful. But now I now that for my personality girls are more sutable. It's hard to cope with hyperactivity, loudness, being interested in rough games, thechnical objects instead of people, interest in violence (wars, zombies etc.) - all stereotypes, but that is a big part of my son's personality. :) I have to work harder to connect. Doughter is easier on my nerves. 😁

ZombeaArthur · 09/01/2022 07:24

You had an image in your mind of how your life would look and now that’s not going to happen. It’s Ok to feel sad about that.

MumOf21 · 09/01/2022 07:29

I had 5 Daughters in total, no Sons, Sadly lost one to cancer quite young, but I’m lucky to have been blessed with baby Grandsons, and was thrilled to learn and watch a video of my Daughters baby on 4D scan last Saturday that clearly showed it was a Boy, Due in later in June this year!

MarshaBradyo · 09/01/2022 07:29

I have two boys and a girl

The boys are pretty easy and we are close

Dd is go go etc and outward - social etc but very sweet too most of the time

Holly60 · 09/01/2022 07:31

@MrsTerryPratchett

But, being a teacher, boys have always been my sort of favourites, I find them easier than girls in general and softer characters, again in general.

I can't stand this thinking. Men go on to commit the vast majority of violent crime. And it doesn't come from nothing. They're probably 'easier' for you because you have different behaviour standards. 'Softer' my arse.

I may partially be angry because my 'difficult' (read SEN) DD was bullied by a group of boys and it was all, "really, I don't believe it, such a nice boy" until I caught them at it.

But you are doing the same as OP just in reverse.

All children are different. Some are softer and easier, some are not. Some of those softer easier children are boys, some are not.

Arguably, I would concede (as a former teacher myself) that because of gender stereotypes, which are so ingrained in us we don’t even realise they are there, when you come across a softer, easier boy (of which there are many, many) you do tend to take notice, because it jars against what society has told you to expect.

But (as a former secondary school teacher Grin) both boys and girls are on the whole just utterly gorgeous.

CaptainChannel · 09/01/2022 07:47

I have one of each. They have wildly different personalities, strengths and interests and I don't think their sex comes into it. They are both bloody lovely and I adore them with the same fierceness.

Roselilly36 · 09/01/2022 07:58

I think a lot of mums, want a boy, I have had a couple of friends that have had 4 girls in the hope of having a boy. I should imagine it’s just wanting the experience raising a different sex.

I have two DS’ grown up now, they are absolutely wonderful, very loving and protective of me. I don’t feel I have missed out on anything by not having a daughter. I wouldn’t change anything, I have loved every moment of being their mum.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/01/2022 08:03

Never in my life have I heard a teacher saying they prefer to teach boys, and I know many.

HelloDulling · 09/01/2022 08:10

@arethereanyleftatall

Never in my life have I heard a teacher saying they prefer to teach boys, and I know many.
Interestingly, I know two. One male, one female.

Female friend teaches at an all-boys prep, having previously been at a co-Ed. Male friend teaches at an all-girls senior school, but misses the humour of Year 7-9 boys.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 09/01/2022 08:14

Your feelings are valid and don’t take away from you DD. Just play the long game. You might get grandsons one day.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/01/2022 08:16

Pros and cons between both sexes. If you only have 1 or 2 children you always miss out on something. I will never have a boy but I have sisters.

SweetPotatoDumpling · 09/01/2022 08:33

I have two girls. I don't feel sad at all. I feel very, very grateful to have two gorgeous girls.

I would have felt equally grateful to have had two gorgeous boys. Or one gorgeous girl and one boy...or in fact any number of either, because we just have to, don't we?

arethereanyleftatall · 09/01/2022 08:39

@HelloDulling
That's interesting. Now I think about it, I only know primary state teachers of mixed schools. Then it's completely unanimous that generally girls are easier. (No, they're not treated differently before anyone picks that up)

User48751490 · 09/01/2022 08:43

I have all boys and would have been just as happy with four girls, or a mix of them. You get what you get 🤷

User48751490 · 09/01/2022 08:45

@SweetPotatoDumpling

I have two girls. I don't feel sad at all. I feel very, very grateful to have two gorgeous girls.

I would have felt equally grateful to have had two gorgeous boys. Or one gorgeous girl and one boy...or in fact any number of either, because we just have to, don't we?

That's my logic to all of this too. You get given what you are given for a reason, I think. Given what we can handle 😬 (sometimes!!😂)
User48751490 · 09/01/2022 08:57

@bottleofbeer

Honestly it makes no odds.

I had three boys and was always hearing that people were sorry for my disappointment. Then I had a girl and she has grown up to be gay without a feminine bone in her body 😁

MIL has three DC. She has two sons then a daughter. Two sons married, daughter has no desire to marry just likes her pets, has various health issues, she doesn't want children etc.

Even if you do want one of the other sex, doesn't guarantee that they fulfil all of your wishes as they grow into adulthood.

I would imagine MIL is sad she won't ever see her only daughter marry but has accepted it. Like all of us do. They are all individuals.

Tulips21 · 09/01/2022 09:25

@chillidoritto

I had DD then 4 boys. I don't prefer the boys over DD! I love each child individually, not based on their sex.
Same.
WandaWomblesaurus73 · 09/01/2022 12:25

[quote Januaryistheworst]@WandaWomblesaurus73 Definitely not saying a son is better 🤷🏻‍♀️I always always wanted a daughter first and foremost and cannot believe I actually have one, I never saw that ever happening.
I’m just saying it’s sad in a way to miss out in seeing what it’s like to have a son also.
People with loads of kids are very fortunate![/quote]
I probably worded that badly!
I know you weren't saying that having a son would be better - I was talking more about how I feel about boys vs girls - just from a subjective view of growing up in a culture that so obsessively favours boys.

I have an older sister and an older brother - my brother was cherished to the point where within that culture it was a given that he literally would get the best of everything and wasn't expected to lift a hand around the house - we were constantly told that girls were a burden. When we all grew up - it's actually my sister who looks out for my elderly mum. He's off with his career and girlfriends.

I think if I had had a boy I would have been hankering after a girl (and I'm sure my mum would have spoiled him rotten and taken him over!) so I can see how you might feel!

SmellyOldOwls · 09/01/2022 18:03

It's not really about preferring girls or boys. It's about the dynamics of your family life and knowing that a chapter is closed forever.

chillidoritto · 14/01/2022 22:56

Thinking about it, it is pretty poor to have such stereotypical views as a teacher.

Do you always give star of the week to the naughty boys and ignore the girls who do everything right but aren't "loveable rogues"?

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