What do I do with a 6yo that says they want to kill themselves?!

[KronkeyCroc]

AIBU to not know what to do or say?

DD6 having a melt down because the picture she copied out of a book is rubbish and I’m a better drawer than her. So now she wants to kill herself, trashed my room, thrown things at me and she’s off to get a knife ! (Obviously this child is in no danger and has no access to these things but still).

She’s always been emotional and had big explosive meltdowns and aggressive out bursts (mainly at me). Sometimes over big thing sometimes small. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells. School says she’s fine, never had out bursts and is a pleasure if a bit of a day dreamer.

Am I justified in talking to a GP? Do I go back to the school? I’m so worried for her. She is 6 and I feel like if I don’t help her now she will be really vulnerable by the time she’s a teenager and we won’t be able to cope.

I have a thread on here about my angry dd. There are some really good suggestions on there.
Just from the explosive outbursts and the day dreaming at school, my brain went straight to ADHD/ADD.

I think talk to the GP, it sounds like things are hard for her and you could both do with some support. I'm not sure at what age they'd be willing to refer to CAHMS etc though. Apparently I used to say I wanted to die at about 5 ish and I started self-harming and planning suicide in my late teens, so you're right it's something to watch. On the other hand, she could be just going through a tricky phase and be fine longterm, so don't panic yet! Also check out autism and inattentive type ADHD in young girls, I have both and was similar with the daydreamy good kid while out and about, meltdowns at home profile.

Bicycles - but you ended up ok, the teenage thing was just a phase?

Notify school and seek support from GP

I’ve been suspecting inattentive ADHD for a little while as she hits most of the symptoms in girls when I looked into it. But wasn’t sure if I was just being a bad mother that couldn’t cope with an emotional child and looking for something to blame. I was a depressed self harming teenager and it left such deep marks in me. I want to help her avoid that as much as I can.

I think I’ll contact the GP on Monday and ask for a chat. I just feel that with bloody covid times I’m just not going to get anywhere at all. I feel for her so much. I think it must be so exhausting for her to be on this constant rollercoaster of emotion.

I’ll try and find your thread cuddle thank you.

@KronkeyCroc

AIBU to not know what to do or say?

DD6 having a melt down because the picture she copied out of a book is rubbish and I’m a better drawer than her. So now she wants to kill herself, trashed my room, thrown things at me and she’s off to get a knife ! (Obviously this child is in no danger and has no access to these things but still).

She’s always been emotional and had big explosive meltdowns and aggressive out bursts (mainly at me). Sometimes over big thing sometimes small. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells. School says she’s fine, never had out bursts and is a pleasure if a bit of a day dreamer.

Am I justified in talking to a GP? Do I go back to the school? I’m so worried for her. She is 6 and I feel like if I don’t help her now she will be really vulnerable by the time she’s a teenager and we won’t be able to cope.

My ds9 is like this. He doesn't threaten suicide but he has very big emotional meltdowns totally out of proportion to the problem. He's very emotionally young. He sees a therapist and she thinks it's ADHD. It's a symptom I would never have thought about in association with this but the more I read about it and the inability to regulate emotions I more I think it's true. He is on the waiting list for an assessment.

My DD had outbursts like this during lockdown and she has now been diagnosed with ADHD. They can't regulate their emotions and so everything gets too much and they don't know what to do with the big feelings.

So yes, speak to the GP.

She is now much calmer as she understands why she feels so much and knows things will pass.

Hi OP,

My DD was 6 when the homeschooling kicked in and very long story short, she barricaded herself into her room, bit herself, found matches and lit them saying she wanted to die rather than live in that situation as well as many, many other self-harming situations that were just horrific.

When we tried to seek help from the GP, I'm afraid to tell you it went so wrong She told us the waiting list for NHS was years long so we funded privately....that counsellor chose to report us to Social Services...who interviewed the school about our family set-up, they interrogated our parents, our friends, the whole works.

An already incredibly stressful situation where we couldn't leave DD alone then meant we had no support and furthermore could trust no counsellor or the GP.

Thanks to a wonderful headteacher and supportive friends and family, we are now 'ok'. Lots of positivity, lots of confidence-boosting, lots of communication about how whatever DD tells us will be dealt with seriously and not fobbed off and an understanding that everything to her is a big deal.

Please go on personal recommendations if you seek a counsellor. We didn't and that was where we went wrong.

She has been diagnosed with anxiety. Wants to know the answer to everything. So I respond truthfully with age-appropriate answers. The plus side is that she cares so deeply for her friends, wears her heart on her sleeve and is so loving and conscientious.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Sounds very much like my ds. At one stage during lockdown he told us exactly how he was going to kill himself.

He has had a lot of play therapy at school and we are going through the process of an adhd referral.

Damn, just lost my post!

Briefly, get copies of The Explosive Child and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child and apply their advice.

Consider play therapy (we found ours via a website called The Owl Centre). Non Violent Resistance (NVR) is good too. We used New Leaf NVR.

See if the GP will refer you to a paediatrician but don't bother with CAHHMS (and don't be surprised if the GP doesn't do a lot).

We've been where you are (right down to the knife) and it is shit, my sympathies.

Our DD was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD about 9 months after we reached crisis point.

Things will get better with the right help.

No advice but lots of solidarity. You’ve described my dd7 to a T. I swing wildly between it being my terrible parenting and her having ADHD. Tried all sorts of stuff, we talk about strategies she could use to calm herself and try and analyse why she’s angry, but when she’s in the moment I cannot reason with her or calm her. Sat here eating too much chocolate after another dreadful evening wondering what the hell to do next

Can you film one of her outbursts without her realising? It could be very helpful to show assessors exactly what her reactions are like.

My son did this at a similar age and has also been diagnosed with ADHD. He can’t regulate his emotions easily, goes from calm to explosive in a heartbeat. We realised when he said this sort of thing, that he didn’t really mean it literally - it was just the most terrible thing he could think of to say which explained how awful he was feeling. He was trying to express himself but doesn’t have the emotional awareness to do so effectively.

It was awful, I cried, and it was the main trigger for us seeing our GP although the signs had been there for a while. Anyway it’s much better now we all understand ADHD more and whilst not easy, it is much more manageable.

He still can’t calm himself in the moment. It all happens so fast that strategies and awareness are impossible. Once the rage starts we have to go through the whole cycle. He’s still only 9 though so I hope it will come with age and experience.

If you do see your GP, write everything down first. I found that helpful as it was impossible to remember it all.

I remember being suicidal at 3.

Masking is common in girls.

Your post screams adhd to me but best to get a proper assessment.

Read this and also look up Russell Barkley talk about adhd on YouTube. Emotional dysregulation is a core adhd trait according to him.

www.adhdawarenessmonth.org/wp-content/uploads/Barkley-emotional-regulation-v2.pdf

Also - DS never did this at school. He saves the worst outbursts for DH and I but it’s because he feels safe and secure enough to do so. Hard to take it that way in the moment but it’s actually a sign of the strength of your relationship she feels able to express herself in that way.

A good book is ‘Scattered Minds’ by Gabor Mate

There are also good books by Dr Sami Timini

And, ‘Simplicity Parenting’ is good though I don’t remember the author’s name.

My DD is part way through bring diagnosed with ADHD (it's pretty clear cut, on SEN register, school doing ECHP and she's being moved to a special school as she can't cope with mainstream- currently in 1 hr a day, just need it formalising). School reported she said something similar two days ago.
We know that she doesn't 'mean' it as such, but very interesting to read everyone else's similar experiences.
OP. Definitely a trip to the GP.

She's 5, btw.

So glad I've found this thread. my just turned 7 year old also says he wants to Kill himself when he is having a meltdown. his meltdowns can last up to a couple of hours.

he also calls him self names such as saying he is an idiot or stupid.
I never even considered adhd. I'm always blaming myself and what I could have done to cause it.
he is so well behaved at school that although I've thought about speaking to them on quite a few occasions I think they will not believe me but I may see what they say and possibly try see the doctor.

@plokijuh

Hi OP,

My DD was 6 when the homeschooling kicked in and very long story short, she barricaded herself into her room, bit herself, found matches and lit them saying she wanted to die rather than live in that situation as well as many, many other self-harming situations that were just horrific.

When we tried to seek help from the GP, I'm afraid to tell you it went so wrong She told us the waiting list for NHS was years long so we funded privately....that counsellor chose to report us to Social Services...who interviewed the school about our family set-up, they interrogated our parents, our friends, the whole works.

An already incredibly stressful situation where we couldn't leave DD alone then meant we had no support and furthermore could trust no counsellor or the GP.

Thanks to a wonderful headteacher and supportive friends and family, we are now 'ok'. Lots of positivity, lots of confidence-boosting, lots of communication about how whatever DD tells us will be dealt with seriously and not fobbed off and an understanding that everything to her is a big deal.

Please go on personal recommendations if you seek a counsellor. We didn't and that was where we went wrong.

She has been diagnosed with anxiety. Wants to know the answer to everything. So I respond truthfully with age-appropriate answers. The plus side is that she cares so deeply for her friends, wears her heart on her sleeve and is so loving and conscientious.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

This happened to a friend of mine.

It scared the shit out of me. It means that parents won’t seek help for their children not only psychologically. But also medically.

It’s frightening.

@bagelsandcheese

So glad I've found this thread. my just turned 7 year old also says he wants to Kill himself when he is having a meltdown. his meltdowns can last up to a couple of hours. he also calls him self names such as saying he is an idiot or stupid. I never even considered adhd. I'm always blaming myself and what I could have done to cause it. he is so well behaved at school that although I've thought about speaking to them on quite a few occasions I think they will not believe me but I may see what they say and possibly try see the doctor.

This is so familiar. The guilt is horrible isn't it? I blame myself so much for his behaviour but I am torn as he's a good at school so I know he can control it at times. Now I have looked into adhd the guilt has eased somewhat but I do constantly go over the mistakes I made when we was younger.

We deal with it so much better now. I used to follow Ds and try and reason with him, wanted to talk to him, got angry with him. This made it escalate worse and he started hitting himself in the head and became so distressed, it's so upsetting.

Plokijih, that is awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

We also were reported to Social Services after DD made a disclosure at a holiday club. However, in our case it was moderately positive (although very stressful at the time) as it meant the school and GP took us more seriously and Social Services referred us to Mencap locally who have the contract to help parents of ASD kids. I never would have thought to contact them.

The books I recommended up thread are helpful with the guilt.

I don't feel guilty much any more, although I think DH does a bit, as it became apparent when we were going through diagnosis that the apple didn't fall very far from the tree.

I do thank my lucky stars we stopped at one DC tbh. It has all been so bloody expensive, for one thing.

My child has expressed such thoughts and self harmed and taken overdoses on non prescription medications. From the start
, If you check with NHS, the advice is to take your child to A&E. Never ignore these comments from a child because you think there's something causing these comments. It is important to respond appropriately to suicide ideation.