What do I do with a 6yo that says they want to kill themselves?!

[KronkeyCroc]

AIBU to not know what to do or say?

DD6 having a melt down because the picture she copied out of a book is rubbish and I’m a better drawer than her. So now she wants to kill herself, trashed my room, thrown things at me and she’s off to get a knife ! (Obviously this child is in no danger and has no access to these things but still).

She’s always been emotional and had big explosive meltdowns and aggressive out bursts (mainly at me). Sometimes over big thing sometimes small. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells. School says she’s fine, never had out bursts and is a pleasure if a bit of a day dreamer.

Am I justified in talking to a GP? Do I go back to the school? I’m so worried for her. She is 6 and I feel like if I don’t help her now she will be really vulnerable by the time she’s a teenager and we won’t be able to cope.

@Phineyj

The books I recommended up thread are helpful with the guilt.

I don't feel guilty much any more, although I think DH does a bit, as it became apparent when we were going through diagnosis that the apple didn't fall very far from the tree.

I do thank my lucky stars we stopped at one DC tbh. It has all been so bloody expensive, for one thing.

Yes- the more I read about it the more I think I have it too.

It's funny though as my dd is not like that at all. She's very emotionally mature.

I'm always very alarmed by adults that downplay these comments from children suggesting they don't mean it.

They are completely overwhelmed by huge emotions. They do want things to stop. Which is just as "meaning it" as any adult. Belittling the emotions of anyone suicidal makes it very difficult for them to open up to you down the line.

I remember having a meltdown at a similar age, and saying I wanted to kill myself. My mother gave me a proper kitchen knife and told me to do it then. I remember holding it and crying but it will hurt, and she said yes it will. I never thought anything of it till I read this thread, and now I'm thinking that really wasn't a normal reaction from her!

Thank you so, so much for all your replies. I will look into all the resources. I have managed to get a pdf copy of the explosive child and already read a bit and the first chapter describes DD to a T.

I’ve no doubt in that moment she meant it but also she was saying the most shocking thing she could to see my reaction almost like my reaction is a barometer to how she should be feeling/acting. I find if I am a sea of calm she can come around more quickly than if I or her dad get frustrated or angry. I think getting upset her so much scares her. My poor baby 😢
She came back two minutes after and said she stopped to think about it and decided not to and burst into tears and we had a hug and a chat.

I just wish I knew how to help her. I will talk to a GP and her teacher and explain how emotional she gets and the out bursts. I’ll definitely write it all down. school totally brushed me off last time I brought it up but I will be more blunt this time.

I must admit stories of being reported to social services worry me a bit but that is no reason not to seek help. Thank you again for all your replies and support. It’s appreciated. This is hard and scary and I feel quite daunted.

@TallTrees78 thats awful. I’m so sorry that happened.

@kronkeycroc where did you find a pdf of the explosive child?

I found it here @Cuddlemequick

oiipdf.com/the-explosive-child-a-new-approach-for-understanding-and-parenting-easily-frustrated-chronically-i

It’s a shitty website full of ads that try to trick you into clicking on them by having download here on them. So wasn’t easiest to navigate. Happy to email you the pdf if you want to pm an email address.

Your initial description is my child to a T and usually always starts with drawing as they aren't the best at it and can recognise it. I went to the GP almost 2 years ago and had a list of everything - they referred to CAMHS. Took over a year to be seen and we then did about 4 months of work with psychology. They now feel there is something underpinning it but currently unsure if ADHD or Autism so now waiting formal tests for that. Definitely a long slow frustrating journey.
They still say about wanting to kill themselves or die however they have realised they get a reaction for saying it therefore say it far more often. I try and ignore it when I can, I quickly learnt the difference between a melt down and a tantrum and and deal with them differently!
But just to reiterate I would initially seek help from the GP and before you go they and list everything they do or don't do so they take you seriously. Social services has never once even been mentioned in our case!!

The thing is that realistically sitting in A&E right now with ambulances backed up and everyone jumpy about Covid is not going to help a stressed out small child (or their parent). DD says extreme things and then kind of forgets about them a short while later. I find that one of the hardest things to deal with, being called all the names under the sun, or even hit or spat at, and then the child being quite normal (things are not like that now though).

But with a wait of 5 hours plus for the minor injury unit round here last time we tried to use it, I can't imagine what A&E is like.

But yes of course you should go there if you feel someone's at risk of serious injury.

My son has asd and the first time he said this I was terrified, guilty, confused. We found out after the meltdown when he could talk properly again that his brother's were making too much noise that he couldn't handle. His paed said it's extremely common.
My son also has meltdowns in school but to a lesser extent than at home. He has free pass to leave the room and go into the playground or walk the corridors if he's feeling overwhelmed, is allowed fidget toys and his water bottle next to him. He's very clever, he told me before he was allowed to leave quietly to regulate, he would ask to go to the bathroom and time it, so it seemed like he genuinely needed the toilet. he definitely masks at school some days. Now when he gets home, straight away he gets a drink and a snack and half an hour without 'how was your day questions'. Then on a good day he'll talk for hours about what he's been doing, and on a bad day, we just ask 'how was your day out of ten' if he can tell us why he's had a bad day (it's usually not having the ball passed to him in football, or that he got a maths question wrong) we validate his feelings and do what we can to make him feel heard.
He did try and strangle himself with his hoody cord at school on the last own clothes day, he hates own clothes day and I offered him the choice of wearing his uniform, but he chose his clothes. Sounds like a lot accumulated that day and it was a snap reaction. All hoody cords have now been removed!
Definitely ask your gp for a referral. My son didn't meet the threshold for cahms

DD also uses the bathroom for movement breaks! She went so much, the teacher was worried she had a UTI. Now she is diagnosed they tactfully send her 'to get something from the office/photocopier/SENCO'.

Day dreamer and emotional out bursts - also went straight to inattentive ADHD. Not noticed in school as girls mask in school but it makes them exhausted and prone to out bursts at home.

I am so glad I found this thread, it's been great. I have been looking for a support group about this. Does anyone know a good one?

I would also be looking into the autistic spectrum.

My DS was like this at that age. He would say 'what's the point of living anymore'. It took a while to realise that this kind of talk had triggers that could be anticipated and mitigated - mostly he was tired, hungry or overwhelmed by, say, noise or too many people. He would also have spectacular meltdowns and even now, in his 20s, is still very oppositional when the circumstances are suboptimal.

The fact you say that this only happens at home, never at school, also screams AS to me. Many children on the autistic spectrum work hard to keep it all together at school but fall apart once they're back in the safe space of home.

I don't know how easy it is to get a timely assessment anymore. My DS had an NHS assessment and ASD diagnosis some years ago, but when I talked to my GP about his younger sibling, I was told the CAMHS wait is so long, and with respect is for children who are really in crisis, that I should arrange something privately, which is not an option financially atm. (This was before Covid, so will probably be ten times worse now.)

I would talk to school as a first port of call, but also start observing and taking note of what helps and what hinders your DD, as you may be on your own dealing with this for longer than you should be.

@Momicrone no I ended up with severe mental health issues (anxiety, depression, OCD, c-PTSD) which I'm still dealing with in my twenties, but most of that was due to child abuse which hopefully won't happen to OP's child. OP seems really keen to help her and to find professional help, and if she can get her assessed for adhd and autism then so much the better, starting out with the similar profiles thankfully doesn't mean she'll end up the same way, because OP's daughter has support.

I used to say I wanted to die when I was about 7 was dragged through a custody battle with one parent turning me against the other and bribing me to say things to the court. I would keep a very close eye on her and try and find out why she feels so angry I would definitely speak to a gp they might be able to get her some talking therapy ?
I went on to get bullied at school which led to self harm and suicide attempts at age 11. I was under camhs from then on.

My son is 8 and has recently been diagnosed with ASD. He tells me every day that he wants to die/kill himself/I should kill him. He's been doing this since he was about 6. It's so hard to hear and I just reassure every time he says it, that we love him, are here for him etc.
We are awaiting CAMHS because he is in a mental health crisis at the moment, not been in school for 6 months and can't see him going back for a while.

My 7yo has been there, she has huge outbursts when she's struggling with something e.g. school work or sharing, there's a change she's not coping with etc. She's under a pead for possible ASD (taking forever) and has been doing play therapy for a year. I follow respectful or gentle parenting so calm and discussion after is best for us.

Spoke to our school Sendco when she said she wanted to die, she passed me resources and suggested some council team but we didn't qualify.

It's hard, I'm exhausted staying calm when she's melting down and don't have much left for looking up how to help.

The daydreaming and intense emotions can be a symptom of high mental capacities. I don't really understand why in this country people in education do not look into this at all.
Between 5-10% of children have high capacities and that comes not just with different ways of learning but also of processing motions and levels of energy. Good luck getting anyone into helping you if that is the case.

@cleocleo81 if you visit the websites of the autism, ADHD and PDA charities you should be able to find support groups. I found a local Facebook group on the PDA society's site. It has been a lifesaver.